Should I try to be friends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
Should I try to be friends?
I am still sort of in love with my alcoholic xboyfriend (by sort of i mean definitely. ha). I know he has his things to work out but i have mine too. I still plan on moving to Philadelphia, and we both live in atlanta. I am wondering if we could be friends after i move there. when he lived in another state, we talked every day and i was emotionally connected and wanted him to be here and be my boyfriend. im not sure how he felt. although when he moved back we did start dating again.
i am not sure if i want to or can move on, i do know i need to work on myself and work a program a bit more dilligently. there is a part of me that hopes we will get back together if i can work on myself.
i guess im just confused as to where we will be in the next few months. and i guess i just want to have my foot in the door and keep some hope we might still be able to get back together.
as i write this, i remember all the confusion he brought into my life- about how much he loved me but couldnt be with me (i guess because i had a huge problem with him drinking). and how he said he wasnt sure if wed get back together , and how i was needier than most girls.i guess part of me would like to get my own life and be happy, and hope that i could be less needy.
i guess moving to a city and needing to not feel alone probably doesnt count for my efforts in being less needy =) haha.
i guess im just scared of losing him altogether (although i guess this would happen whether we were friends or not- and id definitely not want to know if we were friends). maybe this is the reason he wants to be friends with me so much???
i am not sure if i want to or can move on, i do know i need to work on myself and work a program a bit more dilligently. there is a part of me that hopes we will get back together if i can work on myself.
i guess im just confused as to where we will be in the next few months. and i guess i just want to have my foot in the door and keep some hope we might still be able to get back together.
as i write this, i remember all the confusion he brought into my life- about how much he loved me but couldnt be with me (i guess because i had a huge problem with him drinking). and how he said he wasnt sure if wed get back together , and how i was needier than most girls.i guess part of me would like to get my own life and be happy, and hope that i could be less needy.
i guess moving to a city and needing to not feel alone probably doesnt count for my efforts in being less needy =) haha.
i guess im just scared of losing him altogether (although i guess this would happen whether we were friends or not- and id definitely not want to know if we were friends). maybe this is the reason he wants to be friends with me so much???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
What are YOUR motives for being friends?
be honest with yourself.
I am friends with my "exes" except one, however in most of these processes of becoming friends there was a period of separation at least a year, not all, but most times.
It happens but it's so confusing for the first year or so after the break up I'd have to REALLY REALLY check my motives and see if I am setting myself up for more heartbreak and see if I (or them) have a hidden agenda.
The "hidden agenda" is "the rule" I'd say not the exception by the way.
be honest with yourself.
I am friends with my "exes" except one, however in most of these processes of becoming friends there was a period of separation at least a year, not all, but most times.
It happens but it's so confusing for the first year or so after the break up I'd have to REALLY REALLY check my motives and see if I am setting myself up for more heartbreak and see if I (or them) have a hidden agenda.
The "hidden agenda" is "the rule" I'd say not the exception by the way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If I wanted to change my life, I would not continue the behaviors and relationships that had caused me problems in the past. I would not try to continue a friendship with someone who has caused me such problems. I would instead concentrate on working on my issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Being the dyed in the wool addict that I am (alcohol, drugs, dysfunctional men, sex, etc etc etc), to be 'friends' with an ex (the 'drug' of my choice at the time) is like being a 'little bit pregnant'. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I dunno, genrs........if someone was addicted to heroin (and only felt good about themselves when taking it) would you advise them that it was safe to 'just take a little bit sometimes' so they felt good?
Do you think being friends with him is going to help you to grow out of your neediness? Or will it be your little dose of heroin every day, keeping you from growing up? Only you really know the answer, not for me to guess.
I do know you're still totally flipped over this guy. "Being friends" will keep you from finding someone who really, truly loves you, imho. Are you content to chase a fantasy forever?
Hard words, sorry ------- but you know I mean the best. You might be so much happier if you could wean yourself off this guy.
Do you think being friends with him is going to help you to grow out of your neediness? Or will it be your little dose of heroin every day, keeping you from growing up? Only you really know the answer, not for me to guess.
I do know you're still totally flipped over this guy. "Being friends" will keep you from finding someone who really, truly loves you, imho. Are you content to chase a fantasy forever?
Hard words, sorry ------- but you know I mean the best. You might be so much happier if you could wean yourself off this guy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s impossible to move on and swim away from the wreckage of our unhealthy past and relationships when we are desperately holding onto that sinking ship.
In the beginning of the ending it has to be all or nothing for many of us. Nothing says that some day you can’t be friends, someday when you are living on healthier grounds for yourself. Work on your codependency, focus on moving forward because if you continue to look back you’ll lose your direction of moving forward.
In the beginning of the ending it has to be all or nothing for many of us. Nothing says that some day you can’t be friends, someday when you are living on healthier grounds for yourself. Work on your codependency, focus on moving forward because if you continue to look back you’ll lose your direction of moving forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
i feel like im a sinking ship and i just want to feel like theres land one day. i dont have much hope in getting over this person. having not dated and dated other people in between id always feel guilty about it, or think that i didnt like them. i only liked this other person.
i feel like if i was the problem maybe if i work on myself and re enter this situation differently.
i guess i just feel like i dont think theres anyoen else so i am willing to hold on to this hope.
i feel like if i was the problem maybe if i work on myself and re enter this situation differently.
i guess i just feel like i dont think theres anyoen else so i am willing to hold on to this hope.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by genrs123 
i feel like im a sinking ship and i just want to feel like theres land one day. i dont have much hope in getting over this person. having not dated and dated other people in between id always feel guilty about it, or think that i didnt like them. i only liked this other person.
i feel like if i was the problem maybe if i work on myself and re enter this situation differently.
i guess i just feel like i dont think theres anyoen else so i am willing to hold on to this hope.
i feel like if i was the problem maybe if i work on myself and re enter this situation differently.
i guess i just feel like i dont think theres anyoen else so i am willing to hold on to this hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 5
I broke up with my boyfriend, I could not be with him and his drinking either, one month ago. I said I couldn't be friends, I cut things off completly. He hit rock bottom, got help, told his family and friends that he was an alcoholic. Is your ex doing anything like that? You will be moving to a great City. . I know it is hard. I am needy and so is my ex. So much that we are now back to communicating. I say we can be friends only because I want more. Someone told me a little bit of pain now is better than a life time of misery. Anyway, I am in the same boat. Philly is a great town I live there, you will meet so many people. There are a lot of social groups to join which I have done in the past, try those. Good luck!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi genrs!!
I am friends with ex's but after A LOT of time and after I can hear they are with someone else and not feel a thing.
So I would say YES you may be able to be friends and continue caring for this person remotely... but as you say, from a safer emotional place.. from a distance and without expectations
Right now you do not seem in that place
If I were you I would tell him
"I care about you but I need some space to have more solid grounds for myself, and to offer you much more, in a friendship, in the future. I look forward to it. Meanwhile I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours and I appreciate if you do not contact me for a few months. You are a motivation for me to be a better person and I am grateful for that, you are in my thoughts"
And then go out and live your life and use him as a motivation to get better yourself :> perhaps when you do you won't see the use of contacting him anymore. Perhaps he will be better too. there is hope... for now you need to do your homework! otherwise the "space" of a romantic person is still occupied in your heart and you are still in love with a fantasy. perhaps you'll meet a sober, sporty hunk there and you won't give him a chance because you are still in love with someone that existed in the past, and then, if that happens i will be very mad at you!
I am friends with ex's but after A LOT of time and after I can hear they are with someone else and not feel a thing.
So I would say YES you may be able to be friends and continue caring for this person remotely... but as you say, from a safer emotional place.. from a distance and without expectations
Right now you do not seem in that place
If I were you I would tell him
"I care about you but I need some space to have more solid grounds for myself, and to offer you much more, in a friendship, in the future. I look forward to it. Meanwhile I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours and I appreciate if you do not contact me for a few months. You are a motivation for me to be a better person and I am grateful for that, you are in my thoughts"
And then go out and live your life and use him as a motivation to get better yourself :> perhaps when you do you won't see the use of contacting him anymore. Perhaps he will be better too. there is hope... for now you need to do your homework! otherwise the "space" of a romantic person is still occupied in your heart and you are still in love with a fantasy. perhaps you'll meet a sober, sporty hunk there and you won't give him a chance because you are still in love with someone that existed in the past, and then, if that happens i will be very mad at you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
one of the times i went to see my stbxah, and he told me why do you want me im not that great and im not the only guy in the world
when he first told me that i was still trapped in that cycle and i was like well your the only one i want and your the only one i married, ah how stupid i was
now fast forward to now and i think about that statement i wish i could rewind and go back and say you know what your right, theres tons of guys out there, but it took finally getting past it and cutting all contact and not letting him hurt me anymore to realize hes not the only guy in the world, and now i dont even want to date, theres just too much i want to do for myself and my son to include a man in that right now
your holding yourself back with the thinking that hes the only man for you, i know the feeling but its just not right, ive dated other guys during our seperations, and i never really liked them, they usually turned out to be addicts also, i could never really feel anything for them , it was just always a rebound thing, but now i realize that it was me, i chose guys i knew i would never fall for because i couldnt let go of my stbxah, every relationship i tried to have was doomed because i was still hung up on my ex
now that i would be capable of actually being in a relationship, i dont want one, go figure lol
whether you believe it or not you will get past this and get back on soild ground, if i did then anyone can, cause i went through h*ll cause of my stbxah
maybe moving to a new enviroment and cutting contact will be just what you need to move on
when he first told me that i was still trapped in that cycle and i was like well your the only one i want and your the only one i married, ah how stupid i was
now fast forward to now and i think about that statement i wish i could rewind and go back and say you know what your right, theres tons of guys out there, but it took finally getting past it and cutting all contact and not letting him hurt me anymore to realize hes not the only guy in the world, and now i dont even want to date, theres just too much i want to do for myself and my son to include a man in that right now
your holding yourself back with the thinking that hes the only man for you, i know the feeling but its just not right, ive dated other guys during our seperations, and i never really liked them, they usually turned out to be addicts also, i could never really feel anything for them , it was just always a rebound thing, but now i realize that it was me, i chose guys i knew i would never fall for because i couldnt let go of my stbxah, every relationship i tried to have was doomed because i was still hung up on my ex
now that i would be capable of actually being in a relationship, i dont want one, go figure lol
whether you believe it or not you will get past this and get back on soild ground, if i did then anyone can, cause i went through h*ll cause of my stbxah
maybe moving to a new enviroment and cutting contact will be just what you need to move on
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
