just choosing not to even though it really, really bothers me.
LAS,
I would love to say there's some kind of chart or calculator we could plug people into, and it would spit out a little slip that said "Problem Drinker" or "No Problem." But it just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. The ONLY important thing is what I've copied above.
If his drinking is a problem for YOU, if it's making your life unhappy, then you have a right to do something about it -- that's the whole formula there. Also, you're suffering verbal and physical abuse at his hands, and that also is something you don't have to accept. Ever.
So many folks try to justify their position by tracking or labeling someone 'alcoholic' or getting others to agree with them or a dozen other things..........but really,
you have the right to live a happy life in your home, and you have as much right to set boundaries around drinking as you would if he were raising livestock in your dining room. If you are unhappy, you need no justification but that.
I hope you two can find common ground on this - working out differences to win-win is what marriage is all about - but if he won't even admit that your feelings matter, I think he's got a ways to go yet.
Good luck with this and take care of yourself.