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Next on my list... Need advice!

Old 12-29-2008, 12:03 PM
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Next on my list... Need advice!

Hello! I was sitting here trying to figure out what to do about my living arrangement and then thought, oh yeah, I'll ask the group! You all are helping me so much.

So, quick recap, I left on Christmas and have been staying with my mother. The reason I left my house, was because we have two children together, but he also has 2 older boys who live in the house as well and they have already been through a divorce once, I didn't want to make them have to move or disrupt their life with school and what have you.

I was starting to get into specific reasons with my husband, about why I left, and then I realized that its just giving him things to dispute and point out that he can forgive me so why can't I forgive him. Finally I told him yesterday that I don't have bad feelings towards him, I am just unhappy and trying to follow how I feel. He said, "Ok, I can live with that". I think he is being nice for now so that I will think he is sooooo great so why am I leaving.

So my question is, I found an apartment and can pick up the keys tomorrow. I mean, this is really happening quickly and I know its not in my hands becauase of how smoothly its going. So, the question is, do I tell my husband that I found this apartment first, or just go and pick up the keys and then tell him?

I already let him know that I want him to stay in the house and that I will get a place for myself and little ones...so should I just go through with it?

I worry that if I sign the paperwork before telling him, it might rock the boat and things have been going so smoothly so far.

What do you think?
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:07 PM
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Why do you need to tell him anything? You are taking the actions you want to take for yourself and your kids. You don't need his approval, permission or whatever. Just do it. You are under no obligation to explain step by step to him what is going on in your life.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:07 PM
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What would telling him accomplish?
Is there something he could say that would change your mind?

He's probably going to be upset (at least a little) about the big-changeroo one way or the other. What's the easiest thing for you to do?

-TC
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:17 PM
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This is something you've thought long and hard about, tiredlady, and you're doing it for YOU - your happiness, your health. I don't see that telling him beforehand accomplishes anything but stirs up another hornet's nest of drama.

Just curious: Why do YOU think you should tell him? What are you hoping his reaction would be? These are things I always ask myself.

You are not dying nor flying to Neptune - you are simply taking up another dwelling, something you feel is best for you. It is only as permanent as you wish it to be.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:21 PM
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You're right. I don't know why I would be telling him first. I already told him the other day that I was going to look at places and that I had found one I like. So why would I beat a dead horse? I'm just getting anxiety over everything, which is typical of what I do. Stress stress stress.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:34 PM
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Deep breath, now
Old habits are hard to break.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:41 PM
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It does take time and work to undo old behaviors and attitudes. I too would stress over everything.

I think a combination of getting older, and working on those behaviors/attitudes have finally gotten me to a point that 99% of the crap in my life isn't worth taking up space in my head.

Things will work out the way they are supposed to, I sure can't please everyone all the time, and my primary focus today is on me and my recovery.

:ghug :ghug
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:56 PM
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not much i can add to what others have said.....you have thought it out, made the decision, and found an apt. from here on out, you are your own woman.

i understand exactly why you feel the need to discuss it with him......old habits like givelove said. i always felt like i should keep xah informed but it was so futile....can't reason with the unreasonable. it was always like trying to talk with a tantruming child trying to get their own way.

good for you, tiredlady. pretty soon, you'll have to change your name to "superlady"

hugs to you and just keep marching forward.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:25 PM
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haha thanks embraced2000! I don't know about superlady but I'm trying to be strong here. I come to work and seem like this "put together" person. I own my own company and have 10 employees...but go home to a mess. Most of the time I want to curl up and give up, but somehow this week I had the strength in me to pull this off. You know when it comes from somewhere else, you have to listen.

The best part about it, he's really trying to convince me that he doesn't have a drinking problem and that I made him think I was O.K. with it. I ignored it because what was the point in fighting about it.

ugh, I go in waves of feeling good and then feeling terrible.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:30 PM
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i know, i know.....those damned ole waves of emotion. catch a good wave and take a baby step while your at it.

when the wave of yuck happens, just let yourself feel it, but take no actions on it.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:56 PM
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good advice. I am taking my step son out to eat tonight and he is so upset, which makes me want to change my mind... but I can't!
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