Fill him in or let it go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Fill him in or let it go?
Met ABF back several months back - he was sober at the time - we dated, not serious, fell out of touch. during that time he started drinking - when I came back into the picture he was in a bad way for well over a month....was not at all the person I knew from months prior......during that time, I was mostly around as a friend....and he is now almost 2 months sober.
He recalls very little of the time he was drinking......just a vague recollection of bits and pieces of things from about a 6 week period....nothing is complete or in order, and HUGE chunks are missing.
During this time, he said some really sweet things, but also said and did some disturbing things. And told some whopper lies. Lots of them.
Sometimes now when we talk something he said/did during that time comes up and he seems shocked that he said/did these things. And mostly, in comparison, they are the minor things. He will initially ask - did that really happen? But he knows I am telling the truth.
So....question now is....do I tell him some of the more disturbing things he said/did.....so he realizes exactly how bad he was (and how much I went through sticking by his side).....or do I just keep it to myself. Would it benefit him in any way to know? I personally don't feel the need to dump it on him, I took it for what it was then and can easily let it go on my end...but I do wonder if it would be beneficial to him....or do more harm than good?
He recalls very little of the time he was drinking......just a vague recollection of bits and pieces of things from about a 6 week period....nothing is complete or in order, and HUGE chunks are missing.
During this time, he said some really sweet things, but also said and did some disturbing things. And told some whopper lies. Lots of them.
Sometimes now when we talk something he said/did during that time comes up and he seems shocked that he said/did these things. And mostly, in comparison, they are the minor things. He will initially ask - did that really happen? But he knows I am telling the truth.
So....question now is....do I tell him some of the more disturbing things he said/did.....so he realizes exactly how bad he was (and how much I went through sticking by his side).....or do I just keep it to myself. Would it benefit him in any way to know? I personally don't feel the need to dump it on him, I took it for what it was then and can easily let it go on my end...but I do wonder if it would be beneficial to him....or do more harm than good?
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
If he was shocked at the seemingly minor things, I wouldn't tell him the disturbing things.
I'm in recovery from an alcohol addiction. I had blackouts. I SHUDDER at the thought of what I said and/or did during those times that I have no memory of. It literally turns my stomach when I think of the possibilities and the people affected.
If he caused you no true harm, and you are honestly ok with keeping it to yourself, I think that's what you should do. No real benefit can come from telling him something horrible he did or said. Now, if he needs to undo a wrong he did, or if he caused you true trauma or harm, and you need something from him in return to be able to heal or move forward, then tell him. Otherwise... I don't see how it could possibly help him.
Just my two cents. I hope you don't mind me answering.
I'm in recovery from an alcohol addiction. I had blackouts. I SHUDDER at the thought of what I said and/or did during those times that I have no memory of. It literally turns my stomach when I think of the possibilities and the people affected.
If he caused you no true harm, and you are honestly ok with keeping it to yourself, I think that's what you should do. No real benefit can come from telling him something horrible he did or said. Now, if he needs to undo a wrong he did, or if he caused you true trauma or harm, and you need something from him in return to be able to heal or move forward, then tell him. Otherwise... I don't see how it could possibly help him.
Just my two cents. I hope you don't mind me answering.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
it depends definitely
If he stays sober, and works the steps, he's going to come to you one day doing a "ninth step"
I'd let him have it right between the eyes then, don't let him off easy.
If he mentions doing any sort of "amends" with you, and he opens up the subject at all, I'd let him have it right between the eyes.
The ninth step is ""Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
that means things like "Hey, I slept with your wife" are not helpful. Or maybe if you are Gavin Newsome's best friends wife and you have a press conference saying how you n Gavin were "doing the dirty" for the last 1.5 years is just not very helpful stuff. It doesn't mean allowing people to skate for their own behavior, drunk or sober. The rule is you don't hurt other people to make yourself feel better for any reason. Cosigning someone else's bullsh1t doesn't fall under this category in my opinion.
I am a male recovering alcoholic, and as such, I will lie to myself and "minimize" my behavior, these are traits common to both males and alcoholics, and anyone who lets me get away with this behavior is not my friend.
This doesn't mean I allow people to run over and give me their opinion or advice, because frankly I don't care for people who do that, to me that indicates a certain level of "unevolved" however, if I open Pandora's Box with an amends or even just shooting my mouth off, I expect and deserve to have someone tell me "the truth".
The most frightening words anyone in my world can say to me are "Do you want my opinion?" because that means I'm about to get truths revealed to me I'd rather not know about, and I always say yes if it's from someone I respect, because as a recovering alcoholic I need the truth in order to recover, and my view of what happened isn't always necessarily the "correct" one.
So, if he opens Pandora's Box with any sort of "amends" or he brings it up at all, you'd be doing him a disservice by withholding the truth in my opinion.
If he stays sober, and works the steps, he's going to come to you one day doing a "ninth step"
I'd let him have it right between the eyes then, don't let him off easy.
If he mentions doing any sort of "amends" with you, and he opens up the subject at all, I'd let him have it right between the eyes.
The ninth step is ""Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
that means things like "Hey, I slept with your wife" are not helpful. Or maybe if you are Gavin Newsome's best friends wife and you have a press conference saying how you n Gavin were "doing the dirty" for the last 1.5 years is just not very helpful stuff. It doesn't mean allowing people to skate for their own behavior, drunk or sober. The rule is you don't hurt other people to make yourself feel better for any reason. Cosigning someone else's bullsh1t doesn't fall under this category in my opinion.
I am a male recovering alcoholic, and as such, I will lie to myself and "minimize" my behavior, these are traits common to both males and alcoholics, and anyone who lets me get away with this behavior is not my friend.
This doesn't mean I allow people to run over and give me their opinion or advice, because frankly I don't care for people who do that, to me that indicates a certain level of "unevolved" however, if I open Pandora's Box with an amends or even just shooting my mouth off, I expect and deserve to have someone tell me "the truth".
The most frightening words anyone in my world can say to me are "Do you want my opinion?" because that means I'm about to get truths revealed to me I'd rather not know about, and I always say yes if it's from someone I respect, because as a recovering alcoholic I need the truth in order to recover, and my view of what happened isn't always necessarily the "correct" one.
So, if he opens Pandora's Box with any sort of "amends" or he brings it up at all, you'd be doing him a disservice by withholding the truth in my opinion.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
mmmm, I agree with all points.
I would go with Ago and say if you are alright to let it go, then let it go. I would tell him if and when he asked me for my honest opinion on his behaviour back when.. and not before. Until he is ready to face and deal with his side of the street.
It is his behaviour, his recovery, his life.
just my opinion
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I would go with Ago and say if you are alright to let it go, then let it go. I would tell him if and when he asked me for my honest opinion on his behaviour back when.. and not before. Until he is ready to face and deal with his side of the street.
It is his behaviour, his recovery, his life.
just my opinion
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I'm going to come at this from the 'alkie side' being one myself, rofl.
If he continues to work his recovery and reaches his 4th step, he will probably be asking a lot of folks what he did. I know I had to, and many years later still have 'gaps' in my past life.
Until asked, I wouldn't say much. He is attempting to 'digest' and awful lot of information right now and hopefully put some of that information into action.
I'm more concerned about YOU. What are your motives, so to speak in being 'his friend'? Check your own motives and the answers will come.
I only ask, because by checking your own motives now, you may be saving yourself great heartache and pain.
I would hope that should he reach his 9th step and come to you to make amends, he will already have spoken with you on his fourth, so that he knows what he is making amends for. It is your right to ask him what he is making amends for and if he does not know all of it, then fill him in on the 'gaps'.
My personal opinion is if and when he asks, tell him.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
If he continues to work his recovery and reaches his 4th step, he will probably be asking a lot of folks what he did. I know I had to, and many years later still have 'gaps' in my past life.
Until asked, I wouldn't say much. He is attempting to 'digest' and awful lot of information right now and hopefully put some of that information into action.
I'm more concerned about YOU. What are your motives, so to speak in being 'his friend'? Check your own motives and the answers will come.
I only ask, because by checking your own motives now, you may be saving yourself great heartache and pain.
I would hope that should he reach his 9th step and come to you to make amends, he will already have spoken with you on his fourth, so that he knows what he is making amends for. It is your right to ask him what he is making amends for and if he does not know all of it, then fill him in on the 'gaps'.
My personal opinion is if and when he asks, tell him.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl 
(and how much I went through sticking by his side).....
By the end I did feel like a martyr. Then I went to Al Anon and got off the cross.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Well, interestingly......
On xmas eve, at his family's house, I said something totally off the cuff that I honestly did not mean as anything - as I said it, it did not occur to me he would not know what I was talking about.
His brother had this little "Ms Wonderful Doll" - you push a button and she says dumb stuff like - lets not stop for directions, maybe you will find a shortcut.....or no, please let me take out the trash, i can use the exercise.....it was cute, but dumb. anyway, he is fiddling with it, and says - yeah, this is what men want to hear, and I, joking along, said - yup, perfect for you, plus she is blonde
OK - back during his drinking binge, he several times told me how he has always wanted to "be with" a real blonde, just once, blah blah, kept going on about blondes.
So, the words shot out of my mouth, as a joke - but he stared at me like - huh, i don't even like blondes what are you talking about.
Hoo-boy.
so I kind of just brushed it off....and he said - what, I said that? I said yes, didn't matter. He says - I really said a lot during that month didnt I? I didn't answer immediately, and he said - in a few weeks, we are going to sit down, because I need you to tell me everything that happened.
Who knows if it will actually happen - I am not going to mention it - but if he does ask directly, I will give him the cliff notes version I guess.
On xmas eve, at his family's house, I said something totally off the cuff that I honestly did not mean as anything - as I said it, it did not occur to me he would not know what I was talking about.
His brother had this little "Ms Wonderful Doll" - you push a button and she says dumb stuff like - lets not stop for directions, maybe you will find a shortcut.....or no, please let me take out the trash, i can use the exercise.....it was cute, but dumb. anyway, he is fiddling with it, and says - yeah, this is what men want to hear, and I, joking along, said - yup, perfect for you, plus she is blonde
OK - back during his drinking binge, he several times told me how he has always wanted to "be with" a real blonde, just once, blah blah, kept going on about blondes.
So, the words shot out of my mouth, as a joke - but he stared at me like - huh, i don't even like blondes what are you talking about.
Hoo-boy.
so I kind of just brushed it off....and he said - what, I said that? I said yes, didn't matter. He says - I really said a lot during that month didnt I? I didn't answer immediately, and he said - in a few weeks, we are going to sit down, because I need you to tell me everything that happened.
Who knows if it will actually happen - I am not going to mention it - but if he does ask directly, I will give him the cliff notes version I guess.
Last edited by JerseyGirl; 12-29-2008 at 09:21 PM. Reason: typo
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