hollygoheavy

Hi,
I have been dating a man for about 8 months who I was aware was a alcoholic from day one. He has just completed his first year in the program which I am VERY proud of. Not knowing much about alcoholism in the beggining I naturally asked "him" if the fact that I had a glass or 2 of wine would be a problem and he assured me that he was 100% ok with this.. There has been a few times over the past few months that my drinking has been an "issue" with him and we discussed this at great lengths, he admits that my drinking scares him to death because I am most probably in his eyes "going down that slippery slope" into alcoholism... I can assure you that I am a responsible drinker who very much enjoys a social glass or 2 with dinner, friends, etc and that I am in no way a alcoholic. Last night I purchased a small bottle of wine to enjoy with dinner and I immediately felt his "disaproval" I suggested that I not drink the wine as I felt that he was uncomfortable with my choice, ths lead to the same old conversation... anyhow he insisted that I have a glass and we proceeded to have a lovely evening..
This morning he was very upset and gave me an ultimatum, either I choose him or the wine............ He cannot accept that I drink, period.
The choice would seem simple as I love this man very much, however I am having a really difficult time with this, I feel I have not lost my right to drink, and at age 46 I feel like he is treating me like a child. I would be happy to not drink around him if this is making his recovery difficult however he is convinced that I would find other ways to drink behind his back....??
any advice would be appriciated.....

cassandra2

I kinda see a red flag here. If he is in true recovery he should be honest enough withyou by saying that your drinking maybe compromising his sobriety. In my opinion maybe it isnt so much you but he is projecting onto to you what your drinking makes him feel like. Instead of being honest and saying that it makes him feel like wanting to drink he is turning it around on you. Instead of taking the responsibility for his inability to control his drinking he (sounds to me) like he is holding you responsible for it.

So I guess this is the choice you have to make. Do you want to feel that your drinking will be monitored in this relationship and babysat? Would it be ok for you to not drink around him? These are things you should be asking yourself for you NOT HIM. Is he even being honest with himself about all of this?

Just from reading your post it would seem to me that he has a problem not the other way around. So if its his problem and you have no control over how he thinks/feels/his recovery what are you gonna do for YOU????

cassandra2

Oh sorry Welcome to SR......Glad to have you..

Good luck....

LucyA

Hi welcome to SR

For what it's worth I personally wouldn't entertain drinking with an alcoholic.
I smoke and I'm trying to stop, it makes it ten times harder for me if someone lights up where I can smell their smoke, that doesn't mean they shouldn't smoke in front of me or near me, just that I can understand a bit how hard it is if I'm trying to ditch an addiction and someone does the very thing I'm craving right there in front of me.

If his drinking was an issue what would you want him to do about it?

GiveLove

Hollygoheavy,

I'm so glad you found us. And wow, what a tough situation.

At 46 (like me), if I was absolutely, positively sure that he was wrong about his assessment of me -- and I would ask others to be sure that it's not a common perception -- then I'd have a hard choice on my hands.

But first, I'd really make a strong effort to see things from his perspective. If you really have nothing to hide, then it is all for the good. What is it exactly that triggers him to think you're becoming an alcoholic? Does your behavior change in a way that you're not aware of, in a way that might be setting off red flags for him? Where is his comfort zone? Is it one glass of wine, one drink? Is there something from his OWN history that is telling him, "oh, this is how I ended up the way I was" and he can't see past it? Is he being 100% candid with you? Or is there something in your behavior that's triggering his own cravings to drink, and he doesn't admit it?

I'm not playing devil's advocate - I'm suggesting that there may yet be common ground that you two can find if you love each other enough to really shine a bright light on the situation, without resentments, without anger.

I also know that, if my husband were to develop alcoholic tendencies and asked me to stop drinking, I would be able to do so in a heartbeat, and my life would not be one jot less because of it. I'm NOT SUGGESTING YOU DO THIS ---- but could you if you wanted to? I know that alcohol just isn't that damned important to me. Does your BF think it's important to you?

I think it's our member dgillz whose signature line reads, "to a man holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Maybe he is truly so jaded by his own experience that he is triggered by your drinking, but doesn't want to frighten you by saying so. Can you talk about that? From what you say, I can't help but think that there might yet be a compromise of some sort that gives you both the comfort and security you need.

I personally wouldn't look at it as being treated like a child. I'd look at it as his own personal triggers, and him trying to manipulate his environment (as we all do) so that he feels safe again. There's no good or bad about it.....it just...."is". You need to do what's best for you.

Hugs,
GL

hollygoheavy

Thank-you.
With all due respect Lucy my boyfriend has up until recently encouraged my "wine", infact he has surprised me with a bottle here and there, also, he was buying booze for his under-age daughter until I strongly suggested he stop (which he did). I would have not drank around him from day one except fo the fact that he gave me every reason to believe that he was perfectly fine with this...

hollygoheavy

Thank you GL,
My drinking is moderate, on average 3 times a week, my "mood" is not altered (although I am probably more relaxed..) He will be the first to admit that he has not ever heard me slur a word.... He has never seen me sloppy, only happy.
Before I met "him" I did drink more, but then I was much more socially active!!!

GiveLove

Good luck with your choices, holly.

frstnm

I am in my first year or so and would find it difficult to have alcohol in my house and be around someone who drank even socially. No offense to you or him. Im just a drunk who still has moments of struggle. I still consider myself new to sobriety.

Mark75

Holly

I am so glad you posted your question. My wife and I are 51 yo. I am a recovering alcoholic. I was in rehab for two months and have been home for a little more than a month. My rehab stay was the result of an intervention of sorts because of my career. I am grateful it happened, but there are consequences. I am not terribly worried about relapse because I am being monitored. I am, though, worried about my emotional well being and have had recurring issues with shame, guilt, sadness... AA and SR is helping a great deal. So is my wife. We are souimates and still very much in love. I have posted about issues in regards to the topic you started... please check them out if you want.

She is non-A and enjoys a nightly white wine spritzer just before bed. For whatever reason, and I can never predict, some nights I am fine with it, but some nights when I hear those ice cubes drop in the glass, well, I am off to another room or to bed.

Speaking only for myself....

Sometimes, I feel like the naughty boy who has to stand in the corner and can't do what the grown ups can. Sometimes, I get angry at my disease and wonder why can't I just have one with my wife of 22 years at the end of day? Sometimes I have had a bad day with worry about all the consequences of my disease and I am into some self pity. I am not spiritually fit on those nights and I don't want to see her enjoy her wine when I feel so sh*tty...

On the nights I am fine with it - I have been successful at working my recovery, I've been to an AA meeting, had a good day at work, whatever. In other words I have good spiritual fitness.

Twice, she has NOT poured herself one. She resented it, it was obvious.

It will be an evolving process. Maybe we will meet somewhere in the middle, my improving recovery and spiritual fitness and her losing some resentment, over the sh*tstorm of my intervention, rehab and resentment over the changes (mostly, but NOT all, positive...) in her life my recovery brings.

Mark

equinessa

When my RAH came home from rehab I continued my glass of wine which lasts from commencement of the cooking to the dinner table and I rarely pour another unless there are others joining us. I had read that his sobriety is his responsibility, so I just continued with same old. But then I heard another prespective, "why make it harder, if it is difficult for him anyway and you don't mind a jot?". So I asked him if it bothered him if I drank. He confirms what Cubile 75 just said, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Given that I don't want to ask every evening how the mood barometer is I just decided to go with a beautiful mango/lime juice instead. And it's yummy. We haven't been out to parties together yet............he won't go if there is drink there and if it is my friends I go alone. Fortunately much our our social life is bound up with the horses so a "daytime" social life, and less alcohol related.

denny57

If I give in to one ultimatum by someone, I open the door for more to be issued. I've learned healthy relationships don't include "choose me or else" ultimatums.

If someone thinks I'm going to drink behind his back, that isn't about drinking, it's about trust, or mistrust in this case. I don't want to be involved with anyone who doesn't trust me, either.

Stubborn1

I respect my husband enough not to drink in front of him or come home smelling of alcohol. I think it's totally disrespectful. The fact that you are making excuses and he felt the need to give you an ultimatum sounds as if there is more of a problem on your part.
Three times a week isn't social or "relaxing". It sounds more like a habit which is addiction. You may not be an alcoholic but if you do not know rather to choose your husband or wine then there is a HUGE issue.
I for one would not lose my husband over a few glasses of wine and would quit. It's a want not a need. Anything that causes someone else grief or harm makes for a toxic relationship.
Look at yourself and ask why you really can not quit drinking. If you can not stop then maybe you should let him go find someone that he can recover with? If you are a recovering crack head you don't hang out with crack smokers. If you are an alcoholic you can't live with a drinker.........it just doesn't work.
Don't ruin a good thing for alcohol. Good luck and be wise on your choices.

Barbara52

Personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship that involved either person giving the other ultimatims. Now, I have no problem with someone saying I cannot be in a relationship because of X but that is not the same as saying you have to do X or I leave.

Mark75

It seems that most non-A spouses that post here on SR of newly recovering alcoholics tend to give up or limit their own drinking. Many posts that I've read echo equinessa's, they did not give it up immediately after their spouses began recovery, but did, eventually, at some point, quit drinking at home.

I am not going to ask my wife give up her nightly drink. I already started to discuss that and she got very defensive... She said things like..."I wasn't the one who f*cked up!" "I am not an alcoholic, you're the one with the problem!" I don't need that kind of argument in my life right now, I've got other major crap to deal with. And, besides, other than those kinds of discussions, we get along very well...

I wish she would quit or at least not drink every night. But actually, the resentment she feels and I feel from her, now, when she doesn't pour herself one, is harder for me, than the drink.

Remember though, I really betrayed her with my drinking and pills. The trouble I got myself into effects her greatly too. Not to mention the toll my disease took on our relationship. Her resentment will take time to ease. Time takes time...

denny57

Habit is not addiction. Addiction is addiction.

Stubborn1

I think it depends on what the topic is and why there is an ultimatum. An addict has that right.

Barbara52

Sorry. I don't see anyone having the "right" to control me and that is what an ultimatim is, an attempt at control.

It is perfectly reasonable for someone to request that their partner not drink if that is a problem. But to change that request to don't drink or else is attempting to control the other partner. Not a healthy thing to do.

A recovering A has the right to determine that being in a relationship with someone who drink is not going to work for them. A very reasonable thing to do and request. And taking action of some sort if the other will not comply with that request is healthy self protection. But laying down an ultimatim takes that request and healthy need a step too far as I see it.

Barbara52

That's a pretty broad brush there. I sometimes will have a drink or 2-3 times a week. I do not have a habit or an addiction. I enjoy a glass of wine or a drink.

Stubborn1

Which is why I think you would take a side on this topic. Have you lived with an alcoholic? Have you been one? What I'm saying is he has a right to say he doesn't want to live with a drinker or it's over.
She has a right to say I'm not quitting and move on.
Call it ultimatum or choice. Everyone has a right to be happy.

Maybe you are misunderstanding what I meant.

We may have to agree to disagree on this one.