New here, insight please...... :)

Old 12-09-2008, 07:25 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
going back to the original post.....let's say for a minute the topic wasn't drinking, instead cigarette smoking. husband recently quits smoking which is a tough addiction to kick for sure and now he's saying to his wife who shares his living space with him, look i really can't tolerate you (or anyone) smoking around me in my own home. is that an unreasonable request????

for myself as a recovering crack addict i sure as heck cannot be around ANYBODY smoking crack!!! i sure can't have my other half bringing home a sack of sh!t and doing lines on the coffee table and not have a rather STRONG reaction, both aversion and craving. and i cannot continue in a relationship with someone who is lapping my drug of choice!!! just can't do it. self preservation pure and simple. my other half and i were at odds over this for a while as our recovery journies had different STARTING points and took slightly differing paths. i established boundaries and had a couple occasions to need to ENFORCE them, which i did rather poorly unless pitching a wall eyed fit and tossing clothes in an overnight bag and stomping off in a huff counts as textbook. but i made the point clear.......you can do whatever the hell you want, but do NOT bring that crap anywhere near me. if you do bring that stuff home, i will leave and i will seek other residence because i AM that serious. if you want to continue our relationship as it is, then you need to respect that. if not, i'm outta here.

i think anytime we so staunchly defend our "right" to drink or other indulge, and minimize how often or how much, to the point of deliberately & repeatedly drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic we may want to look at ourselves a little deeper. if it was OKRA would it be that big a deal? back when he was drinking, what was your most fervent hope? that he would quit? and that you would do anything in your power to help him if you could?
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post, Anvilhead.

I was very fortunate in that I left my EXAH as soon as I got out of rehab for my own safety/sanity/recovery, and my home has been alcohol-free ever since.

I honestly don't know how other alcoholics do it early in sobriety with a spouse who drinks, even if it is social drinking.
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Cubile75 View Post
Light bulb moment number two... Could it be that I am trying to control her??
I don't see where you are trying to control her at all. I commend you for knowing when you are not feeling spiritually fit enough to be in the same room as her when she is drinking.

At 12 weeks I would have been a goner had someone else in the house been drinking, and that's the God's honest truth.

If she gets upset about you leaving the room, that's on her, not you. You continue to do what you need to do for your own recovery. :ghug
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Old 12-10-2008, 05:34 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

back when he was drinking, what was your most fervent hope? that he would quit? and that you would do anything in your power to help him if you could?
But that is a question I have... She really was upset about my problem drinking. But...The way my recovery has affected her life now... "It's all about you and your recovery", It's (recovery) always the elephant in the room (at least for now, it's bigger than the drinking/pill popping elephant - mostly because I hid it so much).

She misses the drinking together, candles, music, fire... the romantic stuff. Before the downward spiral... She still only had one or maybe two, I had always lost count.

I think she forgets, at those times, how much I needed to quit. How much I have to lose if I relapse... That maybe she doesn't have to do "everything in her power..." That I'll just learn to "suck it up". I am in a monitoring program and the "stick" is losing my job - and that possibility keeps me from picking up. She has no idea how hard it can be.... I need some "carrots".

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Old 12-10-2008, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post

I don't see where you are trying to control her at all. I commend you for knowing when you are not feeling spiritually fit enough to be in the same room as her when she is drinking.
Thanx Freedom - Most of the time I don't think it's a control thing. But Sunday night it was, partly. I was really looking forward to having her home and I was resentful when she poured herself one. I felt marginalized - yea, I was trying to control - but that plan failed.

I got lots of work to do on this issue. Sorry to be dominating this thread.

Mark
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Old 12-10-2008, 07:25 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

i guess my point is it's about being on the same team....working together in a cooperative supportive fashion for the benefit of both. requires some concessions and compromises...

it only works when both of us grab and oar and row. kinda like what they say in the program: it works if you WORK it.........
Thanx Anvilhead - Maybe as my recovery moves ahead, she will start hers. But, time takes time... I liked what you said and how you said it

I bet those enchiladas were awesome !!

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Old 12-10-2008, 09:00 AM
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Isn't it amazing how so many ideas of "romance" center around alcohol? If I could not have a good time if alcohol was not included, even one drink, then I'd take a good look at myself. Good luck with all!
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