jjwc

Hi Everyone,

I broke it off with my ABF last week. I admit, it was far from graceful, and since then have attempted to talk to him in a civilized manner about the situation. Not to get back together, but make ammends for my side of things. He wasn't having it, said we could be friends eventually, but is still pissed. I said I understand, so instead sent him an email thanking him for all he has opened my eyes to and apologizing for hurting him. He responded with a text message saying he would pick up his stuff in the am. We had a short text exchange, I apologized for amking him hate me, he said it was done, no sense wishing for what whas never there. I said never there? WTF? He said that the last year meant nothing anymore and I don't deserve his thoughts and feelings because when he gave them to me they weren't good enough. Fair enough, I apologized for the hurt and said that I won't even bother him with a hello if I see him, and that was that.

So this morning, right as I was getting in my car, he pulled up got his stuff from the porch, and I drove away without saying a word or looking at him. It was heartbreaking. He looked good, and I thought my god he isn't mine anymore. My problem with all of this is we have known each other for 15 years, have a lot of the same friends, and go to the same places. His home bar is my home bar. When we decided to start this relationship he asked "What happens if this doesn't work out?" We both agreed to remain friends no matter what. That is not happening at this point. I was way too nasty for that when I called him out (and I shouldn't have been, I know).

My question is how do I go out, and move on with my life, if we can't even be civil and say hello? I want to go out on Friday with some friends from work and I am scared to death to see him, and in all likelyhood I will. I don't know how to deal with the social strangeness of it all. Everyone knows him well, everyone knows me well, and I am so scared and nervous about it! I woke up thinking, no way am I going out on Friday, I can't deal. Then I saw him, and once the initial adrenaline went away I thought, F that I'm going out! He isn't going to dictate where I go! I just don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want.

Thanks! I'm so happy to have found this forum!

tommyk

I broke it off with my ABF last week.

Why did you do that?

(I don't need to know... but you need to tell yourself. And keep telling yourself.)

nowinsituation

Keep the focus on YOU. If you want to go out with your friends - go out. Go to the place you want to go. Be careful of your motives. I have been in a similar situation. I have to be very careful to think through my motives. The decision to go out or not, and where to go is now all of a sudden a MAJOR decision. Am I going out because I want to run into him; and on the other hand, am I staying home only because I don't want to run into him? It will get easier with time. Accept that he is hurt, accept that he needs space; that is his to deal with. All the other people will take their cues from you. You can take the high road, mind your own business, and have fun. You can't control what happens from there.

jjwc

I broke it off because I was tired of the roller coaster, walking on eggshells, the lack of communication, and to take care of myself. I was going CRAZY!

I don't want to run into him, and I am thinking about staying home to not run into him and not face the town folk. They know that how he is (they've known him forever too), and I don't think they will judge me, its just going to be very uncomfortable. Thank you, it is comforting to hear some advice on how to manage this. I can't control what happens from there, and the codie in me HATES that, but you are right. I can only control myself. UHHHGGG! This stinks.

genrs123

you know i really feel for you even though i was the one who had my heart broken who the other person keeps telling "we should be friends".

well, anyway, i can only speak from my experience but if youre not ready to see him- dont. as they say in recovery, you have to change your playmates and your play pin. my ex and i shared a very small strip of culture in my city- bars, restaurants, social gatherings, art galleries, etc. and we both work right here too, i live here, and we both have our friends that live here. my co op- which i practically live at like it is my kitchen, is across from where he works.

i should probably thank him for the money i save going elsewhere, going there less frequently, and going out when im not going to run into him- the morning perhaps.

when things are less emotionally intense, it gets easier but maybe the next thing now is to find other places to go that can give you a sense of comfort and identity with out him.

jjwc

Thanks genrs123. I feel for you too. I feel terrible about doing that to him. I hurt him so bad. The first two days, I thought about all the ways he hurt me, and felt relief that it was over. Then, I woke up Sunday at 4am, crying, and regretting the way I handled the situation. I did NOT follow my usual path. The rage that occured in me during this relationship still has me stunned. I cannot believe the way I raged a couple of times. I am not a yeller, I'm one to talk things out for better or worse. I know I need to give him space, and I have been trying to talk to him so I feel like there is some closure. I guess I took care of that when I flipped out. I feel like a pile of poo.

genrs123

well you know what jjwc. you said yourself that this isnt your usual path. you and your XBF know how you usually behave. the few instances (if there are more) probably dont compare to all the kindness that you gave forth. and the nice ways youve handled things in the past. so dont worry. he wont forget that either. this one time does not speak for much longer amounts of time.

denny57

Why does he get to go out and you choose to stay at home? If you're running into each other it shows he intends to keep going out.

Forcing myself through preconceived unpleasant experiences only makes me more confident and wiser to the fact that it's never as traumatic as I think it's going to be.

I vote for going out and having a good time.

Barbara52

That's my vote too.

Perhaps plan out what you will say and do if the scenarios you fear happen so if they do, you are prepared and don't just react.