Feeling hopeless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Auckland
Posts: 8
Feeling hopeless
Hello, I'm new to this site. I'm a 32 year old woman who is 22 weeks pregnant to an alcoholic/drug addict. I've supported him to the point of stupidity with his addictions only to find out that after a relapse he is leaving me for another woman. I love him and believe he loved me, he proposed when he was sober but I told him to wait untill things were more stable. He told me it is my rejection that has led him to relapse. I am completely lost as to what to do, I have attended alanon and have a private counselor but nothing helps. I need to start looking after myself but I can't even manage the simple things. Please any advice would be appreciated, I need to move on for the sake of my unborn child and my existing daughter. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi LizzieBee,
Welcome to the forum - I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.
The beauty of being here is that we can see so many examples of people who have started out in situations that were just horrible, and we've watched them slowly work through problems, tiny step by tiny step, to become happy again. I know you can too.
Being in love with alcoholics is never an easy thing - there is often a lot of chaos and madness and it's hard to not become hopelessly confused sometimes. Blaming you for his relapse is a classic maneuver that all alcoholics do. You rejected them, they lost a job, it's raining outside, their team lost, it's Tuesday.........endless excuses and ways to make it seem like YOU did it.
Although it does not seem like it, binding yourself to an active alcoholic through marriage was likely a very smart thing to avoid - kudos to you for not strapping yourself to him as he descends into this progressive disease. The first thing we often try to remember is that we didn't CAUSE their alcoholism, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. We can only focus on ourselves, and control our own lives and futures......but that sometimes means pushing through some pain to a new way of thinking. That's where this forum can be of great help.
As much as it hurts, small steps in the right direction every day (even if it's just one little step) will help you regain control of your own happiness. You cannot change his mind about you by remaining depressed and lost, though that at one time was my first instinct ("he'll see how much pain I'm in and then he'll save me") It sounds as though he is choosing to abandon the three of you and take the easy way out. While that's a shame, it does not have to be the end of the world. It should give you something to think about, though: do you really want to be with someone who would do such a thing? Is that what a good man does?
Are you dependent on him financially? Do you live together? Do you have a plan for supporting the baby? Do you have family nearby who are willing to support you? There are several new mothers or almost-new-mothers here who share your experience almost exactly. Hopefully they will stop in and offer you some specific support and advice.
I'd suggest too reading through the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. That's a collection of a lot of wisdom regarding alcoholism and its affect on our lives. That could be your "one small step" today - just educating yourself some more.
Mostly, I'm glad you found us. There is a LOT of help here. Please keep posting.
Hugs,
GL
Welcome to the forum - I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.
The beauty of being here is that we can see so many examples of people who have started out in situations that were just horrible, and we've watched them slowly work through problems, tiny step by tiny step, to become happy again. I know you can too.
Being in love with alcoholics is never an easy thing - there is often a lot of chaos and madness and it's hard to not become hopelessly confused sometimes. Blaming you for his relapse is a classic maneuver that all alcoholics do. You rejected them, they lost a job, it's raining outside, their team lost, it's Tuesday.........endless excuses and ways to make it seem like YOU did it.
Although it does not seem like it, binding yourself to an active alcoholic through marriage was likely a very smart thing to avoid - kudos to you for not strapping yourself to him as he descends into this progressive disease. The first thing we often try to remember is that we didn't CAUSE their alcoholism, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. We can only focus on ourselves, and control our own lives and futures......but that sometimes means pushing through some pain to a new way of thinking. That's where this forum can be of great help.
As much as it hurts, small steps in the right direction every day (even if it's just one little step) will help you regain control of your own happiness. You cannot change his mind about you by remaining depressed and lost, though that at one time was my first instinct ("he'll see how much pain I'm in and then he'll save me") It sounds as though he is choosing to abandon the three of you and take the easy way out. While that's a shame, it does not have to be the end of the world. It should give you something to think about, though: do you really want to be with someone who would do such a thing? Is that what a good man does?
Are you dependent on him financially? Do you live together? Do you have a plan for supporting the baby? Do you have family nearby who are willing to support you? There are several new mothers or almost-new-mothers here who share your experience almost exactly. Hopefully they will stop in and offer you some specific support and advice.
I'd suggest too reading through the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. That's a collection of a lot of wisdom regarding alcoholism and its affect on our lives. That could be your "one small step" today - just educating yourself some more.
Mostly, I'm glad you found us. There is a LOT of help here. Please keep posting.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Auckland
Posts: 8
Thanks for your reply.
In reply to your questions, yes I am financially independent although we were living together I had been advised not to combine our finances, despite this he still manged to drain me somewhat, but financially I will cope thankfully.
In regards to family and friends this isn't easy, my family doesn't live in the same city and my friends seem to have deserted me. the only support I am getting at the moment is from his best friend, although I am grateful as I need someone I don't trust him entirely. My daughter is 4 and thankfully for her another mans, she has severe special needs and requires a lot of time and physical strength, which is going to be extremely hard as the pregnancy progresses. My daughter's father is wonderful and we share parenting but he is doing all is possible.
I have only been with my boyfriend for 8 months we I hadn't been together long before we got pregnant, when I met him I didn't realise the extent of his alcohol/drug abuse. I thought he was just a party boy at the time this wasn't really a problem as I was just having fun, then I got pregnant and he promised me to stick by me. It didn't take me long to realise he is an alcoholic and has a drug problem, I confronted him eventually he got help and for a short time he was ok, then he relapsed, tried to stop again and the cycle continues. Everytime he didn't get his way he would drink blaming everyone but himself. He is divorced already and has three kids whom live with their Mum is another city, he sees them rarely. He believes his twin daughters aged 8 hate him (another excuse to drink), his son aged 6 on the other hand adores his Dad and did live with him for a few months until he treated him so badly his Mother took him back.
I wish I had taken notice of all the signs at the beginning but he was so charming and I was terribly lonely and vulnerable. I have self esteem issues and have an unhealthy relationship with drugs and alcohol myself, he is probably not the best person for me.
I don't cope well with pregnancy the hormones seem to push me over the top, he also blames my mood swings for his drinking.
I am really scared as I just can't see a way to handle this pregnancy/baby without him and its hurts to realise it is more important for him to drink than be with me. He has left me was someone who shares his lifestyle and won't nag him. He claims he still loves me and maybe he does in his own way. I know it is a disease but it still doesn't numb the pain.
Thanks again for your reply I will look at the suggested posts.
In reply to your questions, yes I am financially independent although we were living together I had been advised not to combine our finances, despite this he still manged to drain me somewhat, but financially I will cope thankfully.
In regards to family and friends this isn't easy, my family doesn't live in the same city and my friends seem to have deserted me. the only support I am getting at the moment is from his best friend, although I am grateful as I need someone I don't trust him entirely. My daughter is 4 and thankfully for her another mans, she has severe special needs and requires a lot of time and physical strength, which is going to be extremely hard as the pregnancy progresses. My daughter's father is wonderful and we share parenting but he is doing all is possible.
I have only been with my boyfriend for 8 months we I hadn't been together long before we got pregnant, when I met him I didn't realise the extent of his alcohol/drug abuse. I thought he was just a party boy at the time this wasn't really a problem as I was just having fun, then I got pregnant and he promised me to stick by me. It didn't take me long to realise he is an alcoholic and has a drug problem, I confronted him eventually he got help and for a short time he was ok, then he relapsed, tried to stop again and the cycle continues. Everytime he didn't get his way he would drink blaming everyone but himself. He is divorced already and has three kids whom live with their Mum is another city, he sees them rarely. He believes his twin daughters aged 8 hate him (another excuse to drink), his son aged 6 on the other hand adores his Dad and did live with him for a few months until he treated him so badly his Mother took him back.
I wish I had taken notice of all the signs at the beginning but he was so charming and I was terribly lonely and vulnerable. I have self esteem issues and have an unhealthy relationship with drugs and alcohol myself, he is probably not the best person for me.
I don't cope well with pregnancy the hormones seem to push me over the top, he also blames my mood swings for his drinking.
I am really scared as I just can't see a way to handle this pregnancy/baby without him and its hurts to realise it is more important for him to drink than be with me. He has left me was someone who shares his lifestyle and won't nag him. He claims he still loves me and maybe he does in his own way. I know it is a disease but it still doesn't numb the pain.
Thanks again for your reply I will look at the suggested posts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Hang in there.........
Hugs to you! Do something special for yourself even if it is take a nice warm bath or read something nice and inspiring! Your daughter is lucky to have you and this baby will be blessed too! Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
ive been in your shoes somewhat, my xah left me when i was two months pregnant, and of course everything is my fault, you cant take what he blames you for personally, ive learned that the hard way, my xah probably blames me when it rains, i mean really, the guy thinks i cause every bad thing in the world to happen to him, he refuses to take blame for his own actions and im tired of hearing im to blame, i joke to my best friend all the time that i go outside and do magic dances to send storms up her way since everything in the world is my fault lol
its tough to go through your pregnancy alone it was a very hard time for me but i made it through it with absolutely no help from my xah, the times he did call all it did was stress me out, he never helped with money and never bought one single baby item, he chose his other women and alcohol over his wife and son and still continues to choose them
ive now had my baby and hes 3 weeks old and despite all the problems and stress, we are doing ok and getting better day by day, my xah saw the baby twice and it didnt change anything so dont think after the baby that the father will suddenly change and want to be a father, its been over a week and no call from my xah even asking how the baby is, hes got a new girlfriend and is wrapped up in that, why, because she enables him, buys him alcohol and whatever else he wants and i wont do that for him, my xah is a very cruel and delusional person now, thats the progression of his alcoholism and ive finally learned nothing i do or say will change him and me and my son are better off without him
i am the only one who takes care of my son and its hard sometimes, my mom will help some but she works alot so im left doing it, its very hard and i want to go find my xah sometimes and just beat the hell out of him and ask him how he can have a son and not care about him, but it would do no good, but im still the luckiest woman alive because i have my son and i love him so much, and my xah really has nothing , if he loses this girl then he is SOL cause his mama dont want him living with her and i sure aint taking him back, hes dug his own grave and doesnt even realize it yet
hang in there it will get easier:ghug3
its tough to go through your pregnancy alone it was a very hard time for me but i made it through it with absolutely no help from my xah, the times he did call all it did was stress me out, he never helped with money and never bought one single baby item, he chose his other women and alcohol over his wife and son and still continues to choose them
ive now had my baby and hes 3 weeks old and despite all the problems and stress, we are doing ok and getting better day by day, my xah saw the baby twice and it didnt change anything so dont think after the baby that the father will suddenly change and want to be a father, its been over a week and no call from my xah even asking how the baby is, hes got a new girlfriend and is wrapped up in that, why, because she enables him, buys him alcohol and whatever else he wants and i wont do that for him, my xah is a very cruel and delusional person now, thats the progression of his alcoholism and ive finally learned nothing i do or say will change him and me and my son are better off without him
i am the only one who takes care of my son and its hard sometimes, my mom will help some but she works alot so im left doing it, its very hard and i want to go find my xah sometimes and just beat the hell out of him and ask him how he can have a son and not care about him, but it would do no good, but im still the luckiest woman alive because i have my son and i love him so much, and my xah really has nothing , if he loses this girl then he is SOL cause his mama dont want him living with her and i sure aint taking him back, hes dug his own grave and doesnt even realize it yet
hang in there it will get easier:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Just a few days ago some one posted a great link about relationships and alcoholics ummm...
It's called "Addictions, Lies and Relationships" below is the link. I read just about everything on this site and thought it really helped.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Hugs....
It's called "Addictions, Lies and Relationships" below is the link. I read just about everything on this site and thought it really helped.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Hugs....
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
My kids father ran around on me the entire times I was pregnant.
It hurts. But, I got over it. Loving an alcoholic means living in pain all the time. I had to get away from the pain.
Listen, you're worth a whole heck of a lot to that new baby your'e going to have. Take care of the both of you. The child you have will be a blessing to you.
It hurts. But, I got over it. Loving an alcoholic means living in pain all the time. I had to get away from the pain.
Listen, you're worth a whole heck of a lot to that new baby your'e going to have. Take care of the both of you. The child you have will be a blessing to you.
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