Stubborn1

Ah just got out of the hospital two days ago. I am sick but I went to work and he stayed home and sat his butt on the couch. Now I understand he needs to recover but don't you think he should at least make phone calls to save things from getting shut off?
He needs his prescriptions which costs fourty dollars and I'm rather pissed I have to take that out and purchase them for him. That's our bill money. I told him I would NOT buy the percocet. I do not think they are nessasary, he seems to me like he's faking much more of the pain just to get them. An addict is an addict is an addict. I'm far from stupid.
I fllipped yesturday because he did NOT go to a meeting. He didn't call anyone for a ride. I should not have to tell him what he should do. Today he did call but he has no ride back. I can not fit him in the small car we have so now it's like a quilt trip of "I guess I'll just walk back"..........WHY don't I feel sorry for him.
If anything I have been avoiding him, telling him everything he says is BS, I even told him last night all he does is quack. I am not going to be his mother. My stress level is sooooooooo high I went to the ER for chest pains and pressure and they think it could be stress related. I can't stop having a nasty attitude towards him.
I told him he had to pack his stuff and leave because he did nothing. So of course he starts making calls and got this ride.
I've turned into one big bitch ball. He needs to stop with the victim card, find a job and use all the effort it took him to get drunk into finding a job. I'm NOT doing things for him. One day down and it's not working for me.
Suggestions from anyone who's recovering alcoholic came back into the home?
If you have only negative things to say then please do not repsond. Just need suppot. Thank you

lizw

I don't think this is negative but I think you are probably being very harsh on yourself, rather than on him.

He's an adult and if you are sick you ought to be putting your own health first and your own $$$ responsibilities. He may not like it but too bad.

The only people we have control over is ourselves and when I acceped that 'his problems' became far less important and I felt no responsibility for them.

Give yourself a break and treat yourself like you are important.

GiveLove

Good luck, stubborn.

FormerDoormat

Richard played the manipulator card because I always played the victim card. When I stopped playing the victim, my life improved dramatically. My favorite way of playing victim: inviting trouble back into my life.

prodigal

I found that dealing with my AH made me frustrated. The frustration turned to annoyance. The annoyance, coupled with the frustration turned to sarcasm. Then I got angry. Oh, yeah, VERY ANGRY.

I also found that my anger wasn't doing much in the way of getting him to straighten up. He usually shut up and avoided me. He left me alone. But then I was alone with a gut full of anger.

I think I had the right to be angry and disgusted with AH. But I was killing myself while he was zoned out in laa-laa land. Venting and letting off steam only helped so much.

I had deeply-rooted anger. And AH was just one of many targets I aimed it at.

prodigal

I hope you don't take any of the ES&H shared here with you as negative. I'm not sure what type of support you are in need of. I certainly can understand that an A can drive anyone up the wall. I've been there myself.

I guess the only thing I can say that could be construed as "support" is, if this man is giving you so much stress that you have to go to the E.R., it would be best for your own health and sanity to tell him to make other living arrangements. If it's not working, then it's not working.

Separate living arrangements would probably be best for all parties concerned.

Stubborn1

We've had seperate living arrangements for six or so years. He just came back home. He is sober, He said the meeting went really well and came home with a huge list of hand written numbers. He really is trying. I do have alot of stress just from what he got us in financially and now that he's sober with no job it's all piling up if you know what I mean.
I think I am going to make an appointment with a counselor. Its so hard to just put a stranger that you're married to back in the home. I know he doesn't mean any wrong and I know he wants to help......but at this point I am so high strung from everything.
Once we both have full time jobs things will be much better. We own three cars and two broke so we are down with a small sports car that fits barely four and there are five of us. It's just a bunch of little things piling up on me.
Him going to a meeting on his own was a step in the right direction. I need actions from him.
I haven't had much negative feed back.......there are a few who seem to get their rocks off with negativity but I have an ignore button for that We are not seperating again....we are both commited. I'm allowing him time to try to make things right.
They will not happen over-night.

Freedom, I appreciate you taking the time to post. I do not feel like a victim. I'm glad he's back, I just wish he'd take more inititive. I have to understand this is all new to him as well.

The stress I feel is getting used to someone else parenting with me all of a sudden.
The economy in general
Our truck and van not working
My job is part time
Him having no job yet
so no income at all.
Him not having health insurance
Mortgage behind
Finding another place to live after being here ten years.
Him healing physically
Me getting better from being sick.
Christmas around the corner
My birthday next week
Things are starting to get shut off. (yikes)

I don't know how it is in any other state but we honestly do not have a job section here anymore. WTH is going on?

I don't know what to expect. I think tomorrow I will look for Al-anon meetings here now that he can watch the kids. I need some insight on making this comfortable for the both of is.

Thank you for replying. I really needed you all. xoxox

denny57

Maybe he's getting conflicting messages.

Stubborn1

Why because I talk to him in simple form and not make a million demands....No, I'm pretty sure he understands.

FormerDoormat

When I was committed to craziness, my life was crazy. When I was committed to misery, my life was miserable. When I was committed to recovery, my sanity and serenity were restored.

I got what I asked for. And I reckon so did you.

Learning how

Stubborn, In my case, I left the house with the boys for 3 nights because well because my AH was a verbally abusive alcoholic who was"on fire" as they say. He wouldn't leave the house at first, and I couldn't come back while he was drinking. After a very long tearful talk, in a Dennys parking lot of all places, my older son pointed out that if AH really ment all the things he was saying he would leave the house and let the three of us go home.
He did leave and lived in the travel trailer for about a month. At first he would not go to AA....I got an attorney.

The attorney was helpful...
My AH has been in AA for 4+ years. I think I let him come home too soon but that what it is.

Not sure if this is helpful but I think that sticking to boundaries and taking care of myself was the only answer for me at that time.
The A can go to AA or he can drink, I have the choice to live with drinking or not.
Take care.

Stubborn1

FD, your life is not my life. I really wish you would quit referring to it as such. I'm sorry your life was horrible. We are both commited to recovery......recovery doesn't just happen. If it did for you then congrats......I believe we will have to work a recovery program. Take care.

Stubborn1

Thank you. He would leave if I asked him. There is no need for that just yet. We just have to get through this rough patch. It's the very beginning. I could be letting him back to early. Not sure just yet. If it is and I ask him to go then he will. It's not to that point yet. I hope that doesn't have to happen.:ghug3

FormerDoormat

You asked for suggestions from anyone who's had a recovering alcoholic in their home. I find most folks aren't open to suggestions even when they ask. So I shared my experience. I am referring to my life.

Stubborn1

then I took it the wrong way. I apologize

FormerDoormat

No problemo.

Live

WOW, you really do have alot of stress in your life. Anything you can do to reduce it is bound to be a step in the next right direction.

My thinking and methods may sound cold-hearted but they are not.

I am very good at ignoring and becoming deaf when I want to.
I can find other things to do.
I remove myself from situations that are over stressing me.
I try not to take on some else's responsibilities.
Sometimes I have to examine and decide how it will affect ME.
Such as I don't want to live with the utilities off.
I think walking is good excercise.
I often say to others and to myself, sweep your own side of the street.
AND I am sorry you are having that problem and then just letting it go because it is not my problem.

Best wishes and peace,
Tena

vegibean

LOL!!!! I don't think you're wrong at all!! I have to tell you that I have a GF that's going through this with her husband. Mind you I'm in recovery as well but I've always been a hard worker, always been on top of my bills, etc. One of the reasons why I never got the whole "my life is unmanageble" thing is because though I drank the entire time, I still worked, paid bills, did laundry, took the trash out, blah, blah, blah.........see? I was fiiiiinnnnnnnnne!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!

You know, I have a crick in my neck from sleeping on the couch last night. Maybe I ought to call everyone I know and complain that I need a better couch. Maybe I should have gotten off the couch and gone to BED!!!!!

I feel for ya!! I think he's just being LAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stubborn1

Thanks Vegi That's exactly the way he thought. You are a trip. He's starting to learn that I'm not who I used to be and I don't need another child in my home.
I think Monday he'll make some moves towards easing things up. He'd better or he's gonig to be one lonely sober person. lol

vegibean

Amen to that Sister!!!!!!