genrs123

I did bring forth a lot of unnecessary negativity and unhappiness to my relations with AXBF.

I was never happy with any decision, and always made everything about alcohol (before i knew he was still using cocaine, and likely has a problem with opiates). I treated him like someone who... wasn't an alcoholic, even though i know he was.

I resented him, I made him feel bad, and i was generally unhappy with anything he was doing that was good compared to the things that werent. i was obsessed with him, would track him down (ofcourse he didnt have a cell phone until AFTER we broke up this time), question him, i blew things out of proportion, i gave him grief about -everything-, and i dont know if i thanked him or expressed appreciation for the things that were good. All i did was bitch and nag it seems like.

but "because i loved him", we were together off an on 8 years and in between this time i never found anyone i liked as much (as a person) or even in a healthy relationship sort of way. i finally, when i found out he was still doing cocaine i realized he was truly truly facing an addiction problem that i dont see him coming out of any time soon. hes been doing this since he was in middle school, his parents are Alcoholics / addicts, and his TWIN brother is also a cocaine addict (who sells drugs)!!!!!!

anyway, especially now that i know that we wont be together probably ever (which is devastating to me), i wish i had been more -Loving- and -encouraging- instead of -angry- -sad- resentful-.

There is one thing that makes me feel better sometimes
and that is that i did those things because in my head it is what i thought someone who loved him would do, and because i was hurting and depressed. and in that regard, i dont regret it. i dont care if he thinks i am a bad girlfriend because i did care for his wellbeing and no one would want to see their love one destroy their life, especially when they knew them at a time when they wouldn't have wanted that for themselves or cared about themselves. i know he doesnt see it like that- he just thinks im an annoying nag- another obstacle to get through his day, but for all its worth one day i hope he looks back and remembers that i cared about him and that this brought out the ABSOLUTE WORST in me.

The other thing i did was write a list of things id like to do incase i am ever in a healthy relationship ever (although right now thats hard to imagine since im completely still in love with my ex).

i know if i still feel this way in a few steps, if i still feel this way (thats what my sponsor said) i can make amends. i think that will help.

Stubborn1

I did all those things too. If or when he gets clean he will realize that. Your sponsor is so right. Love isn't easy, addiction sucks and the two don't mix. Stay strong.

prodigal

Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself. You're only human. And you were dealing with an addict. I often made my AH feel bad, unworthy, and shamed him. My primary motivation was to vent all the pent-up hurt feelings I had over how many times he had let me down. I also thought I could whip him into shape by telling him what his problems were.

Ultimately, I ended up not knowing what my own problems were. He continued to drink. Neither one of us were healthy enough to make any fruitful contributions to a relationship. Heck, what we had wasn't even a relationship; it was a war zone! There was plenty of quiet on the front, particularly since he is an isolator. But the undercurrent of anger was always there.

So I got help for myself. I got his business off my side of the street. Yeah, I could be a royal pain at times. So could he. Finger pointing got us nowhere. The only way I got better was to work a program. And I had to start by forgiving myself for making bad choices, saying wrong things, and taking inappropriate actions.

It's okay to own your part of a failed relationship; just try not to be so hard on yourself.

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

LaTeeDa posted this originally, hope you find it as helpful as I did.

GiveLove

For me, relationships -- even ones that ended badly -- have been crucial learning experiences for me.

They have helped me to choose what kind of person I want to be, going forward in my life.

I hope this one has done that for you.....hugs, genrs!

GL