thehopefulwife

Hi

I'm wondering if anyone is willing to share some of the boundaries you have set with your alcoholic family member. I'm having trouble articulating what I want to say, without being demanding or controlling. (I know every situation is different, and that each person has set their own limits for their relationships, I'm just trying to get a clearer handle on the actual language.) Thanks.

Hope

waiting551

Whatever you feel will help YOU to say is what needs to be said..... I told my AH it was gonna be a no alcohol environment and he had to attend AA at least once a week.. I also told him to ask himself if he can be truly happy wo drinking and not to tell me what he thought just to ask himself this because the minute I found a beer bottle in his work truck he was back out the door... It was a little harsh but it let him know I wasnt looking for any lies or smooth talking... You just need to put your foot down and follow through on ur demands do not let him talk you back out of something... I did that for 5 years and I just now have the strengths to look him in the eyes and he knows I am serious.... It is all up to you in and only you know what bothers you the most so tell him... Hope this helps a lil bit

Stubborn1

I had to show him I was dead serious about my boundaries. I set them in stone, not soft clay. He was to stay away from my medications, when he broke that......I had him arrested.
When he laid his hands on me........I had him arrested.
When he came back begging..........I had him arrested for going against the restraining order.
Fast forward to this recovery.............No alcohol in my home and that was respected (he used to drink out of our home)
No talking under his breath at me (disrespectful and the kids don't like it)
No yelling or argueing while the kids are home.
Meetings every night or he will be packed and his things waiting outside and he KNOWS I am serious. I've had to toss him before and I did NOT let him back.
When you make a boundary you stick to it no matter what. If you can't then do not even say a word because you lose ground and he will not respect you.
Ask him to sit and talk. Look him dead in the eyes, you can even have your paper with you and say "here is what I expect, these are my boundaries and if you cross them even in the slightest there will be consequences"
It honestly depends what he is doing that you can not accept.
With my husband it's his actions. He has issues following through so now he knows he has a 100% of being homeless if he doesn't go to meetings, disrepects me, swears at me or doesn't find a job pretty soon.
I'm very firm because he knows my tone when I am dead serious. There is no yelling or screaming, it's like talking to a child.......this is how it is, no if's.....ands........or buts....and it's not open for discussion.

Ago

here's a thread about nothing but Boundaries and examples thereof

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1937530

lizw

I no longer live with alcoholism so most of my interactions are with friends etc... I apply my own boundaries in any situation I feel threatened.
I.e. if someone is starting to get what I would deem abusive, I leave the situation. That may mean I go home or I leave the room.

Pre Al Anon in situations like this I would demand the person stop with the behaviour, abuse and hence the situation would escalate and end up in an argument.

My boundaries keep myself safe rather than tell other people how they should live. They also encourage me to be responsible for myself and my own well being, rather than laying it at the feet of another.

cassandra2

Dont really know if this will help just a suggestion.

Start out small with boundaries. My mother is an alcoholic and would regularly hold me responsible for her crappy life. One day I told her that she was my mother and that I loved her but I could no longer accept this treatment and not to call me anymore.

For me that was a huge step but small enough to where I knew I could hold to it. I just decided that if I saw her number on the phone that I would not answer the call. It took quite a few months but she got the message.

With my exabf I decided that my first boundary would be not to conversate with him. I would answer yes no questions (as I have to because we see each other everyday for our daughter) and I would not participate in anything else. Another boundary was that I would ONLY communicate with him via text messages when he had our daughter and ONLY if it was about our daughter. I dont return his calls.

You need to look at what is hurting you the most. In my case listening to hurtful words from my mother and listening to the ex talk about how great everything is in his life and how he is gonna do this and that.

When you decide what hurts you then start to look at ways you can avoid getting hurt. If that means not participating in conversations then do so. If it means not anwering your phone then do so. If it means turning your back on a family member then do so. People only treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you good or bad. When people get the message that you will not ALLOW them to treat you a certain way it will stop.

Start out slow. Dont put to much on yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back when you follow through with keeping up your boundaries.

Good luck....

Latte

My father is an alcoholic and he lives in Mexico and I live in Alaska so it really isn't very difficult but I stick to them and he has respected them. He is still active. No drinking in my house, for any reason (he takes a small amount of Ativan when here to help with withdrawls give to him by his Dr.) and he is not allowed to call here when drunk. If he does call I will not answer. My DH has answered a few times and can keep the conversation short.

sailorjohn

Well, I told her I wouldn't tolerate infidelity. If you think about how messed up that truly is, do any of us really want to be involved with someone that we feel we have to tell that such-and-such is inappropriate behavior?

The last time it came up, I didn't beat her over the head with it, simply said that it appeared that we wanted different things in the relationship, and that I was okay with that, but it wasn't what I wanted.

I guess if I have made one mistake over the past few years, it was to take the first drink. Instead of walking away and not looking back, I kept inviting her back in my life, expecting a different outcome, a very good definition of insanity.

So, she got busted again for the umpteenth time last night, and I sent her a text message and started walking. God help me, I must be making some progress, she stopped by the house today, unable to get in because I had changed the lock overnight, she knocked and rang the doorbell for maybe 20 minutes, I didn't answer. Could hear her talking, calling me baby, all that alcoholic s**t. Haven't returned her phone calls, or responded to her text messages or emails.

And I don't have to, I have a choice. Insanity or recovery.