susanfsu1

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Hello...I am very new to forums and AA and recovery. My boyfirend of 5 months has been sober for 4 years. We fell in love over the summer and it has been the most rewarding relationship of my life.

But now I am afraid I have screwed up my relationship. My guy is extremely busy with nursing school, being a single Dad, AA and a part time job not to mention trying to maintain a relationship with me. We have not seen each other much at all lately. It has really brought me down. Although I know how busy he is, i thought he would do anything to see me the past two weekends. When he didn't, I had a slight attitude in my voice. I didn't make any nasty comments or anything, but he knew. Saturday he hung up on me, told me he needed time and I haven't heard from him since. I believe that he is truly in love with me, like he said. I pushed too hard and now I am afraid I have lost him. I have sent a few text messages and today I left a voice message apologizing for my selfishness. I should have never put my desires above his responsibilities. I don't want to lose him. He is what I have been looking for my entire life.

Please help me. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday. There were only 2 people there and it wasn't very helpful. I was disappointed.

I want to be there for him but he has now shut me out. What do I do?

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

I can't offer any advice beyond suggesting that if you think Al-Anon would help, there are other meetings out there. Being a double winner I can attest to the fact that Al-Anon meeting attendance can be somewhat spotty, I have attended a fair number of meetings where I and another were the only participants, you would never see this in an AA group. This is for you, of course, not for him. In the interim, you will find a lot of support here.

Stubborn1

Maybe you are a bit too clingy?

Kimmieh

He probably has a hard time with yet another "responsibility" and added pressure. Don't stress yourself too much (although I can totally relate!). I don't think you have pushed too hard and you are only human (and in love!). I can see both sides here and I think you just need to sit down and have an honest talk about the shape and form you want your relationship to take.

I find it interesting that you are beating yourself up. I would, too, but I know plenty of other women who would not look at themselves only to see who is at fault. Of course you can expect some degree of attention and if he cannot give that because of his hectic life, he can communicate it to you. Of course you shouldn't be snappy about it, nor should he leave you hanging like this.

It takes two to make a relationship work and that is no different for relationships with (recovering) addicts. You should not have to walk on egg shells and he should not feel pressured.

denny57

I would try to find some other meetings. Try 6 before deciding if Al Anon is a good fit.

Today, if someone were to tell me they needed time away from me, I would respect that.

Have you considered individual counseling? I'm in the camp that doesn't believe I can know someone well enough in 5 months to know they are everything I am looking for.

I would watch actions - someone hanging up on me is not what today I would consider a sign of maturity or recovery.

Today I examine my motives and actions - I don't go looking for what is "wrong" with me.

Keep posting!

susanfsu1

Thank you all so much for your replies. I know that he must have felt added pressure. I just didn't see it at the time. I was looking at a chance to spend time together as a reprieve from everyday responsibilities and chaos.

I will try another Al-Anon meeting. Unfortuneately, patience is not my virtue. I want to go now, full steam ahead, but I have to wait for a meeting that I can attend.

Callie

IF you are struggling this much, this early on, maybe it's time to re-evaluate things. The brand new, butterfly love should not be painful. I'm sorry and I dont mean to minimize things for you.

kj3880

If you don't want to wait for alanon, or if you can't find enough people in your area to relate to at alanon, then try an open AA meeting. At least there you can hear about the steps and how people work them. It might help you to understand him a bit too. I don't think you did anything much to upset someone, though. Maybe he's not ready for a big-time relationship at this time. That can be a very painful thing to accept if you want one and he doesn't. I'm sorry you are hurting now. I'm saying the serenity prayer for both of us:

God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

KJ

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us sorry that you are going through this....

As stated above please try 6 meetings before giving up on Al-Anon-It can be very rewarding.

If he wants time then I would give it to him...

Try to keep yourself busy and not worry about what or why he wants space-concentrate on yourself-Do things that you like to do...come here to SR-Read some stickies at the top of this forum-but whatever you do try to let him be for now and let
him contact you!

Please keep posting!! We are here for you

susanfsu1

Thank you all so much. I have been wanting to try an open AA meeting but have been afraid. From what I know about AA, we can all benefit from the program. I have learned so much already. Afterall alcohol is only mentioned in the first step.

I am afraid that if I tell him I went to a meeting, that he will think I am stepping on his territory since I am not a drinker. I planned on going to a meeting outside of his usual realm.

Peace and love.

Mair

Hi Susan, the first thing i did was educate myself. "Under the influence" and "codependant no more" will give you an insight into alcoholism, and codependancy.

And of course read the stickies here at SR. nice to meet you.

Gill

TTOSBT

Hi Susan,
Welcome!!!
Just from an alcoholics view (I am one), I think going to an AA meeting or two would be a good step. But yes, do not go to any of his meetings and you don't need to tell him right away that you are going. If it comes up, let him know that you are going to better understand him and the program. There is nothing about that that is overstepping his boundaries, as long as you don't show up at his meetings. The other thing I would offer is that you have apologized and said your peace. Now do not call or text anymore. The ball is in his court now. When he is ready, he will call. Do not initiate drama, he will not appreciate it.

By the way, I think it is wonderful that you are trying to be so supportive!

susanfsu1

Hi everyone. I am not doing well today. I want to call him or text him so bad. I want to share my week with him, what I have learned about myself, what I got on my exam. I want to know how he is doing, how his week has been. He is my best friend and I don't understand. I am trying to remember that he said he needed time to think. I have reached out to him already earlier this week, but I want to work on things together. How do I let him know that?

Please help me...I am so lost today!

Lilyflower

Hi Susan,

Welcome to SR, have you read the stickies? I would suggest one in particular to you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

The information in this may help you to understand your behaviours and why it is so important to respect another person's right to space.

I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from, I have been in the same situation although the A was not in recovery! I think I may have been in a worse state - I have been that person who followed him around, called him 50 times a night, threw myself on the floor and begged him to stay, whilst crying hysterically.

I have learnt through recovery of myself (reading codependant no more, beyond codependancy, posting here, reading stickies, counselling) that I was acting obsessively and in a very unhealthy way, that only led me to feel (and sometimes actually be) physically ill.

In my opinion, the best way to show someone how much I care about them and us together, is firstly to respect them and their wishes.

Have you arranged any counselling for yourself? Try to fill up your hours with things you enjoy doing so that your mind is not constantly wondering onto what he is doing etc.


Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ago

(posted on your other thread, but thought it belonged here)

((((((hugs)))))))

Oh...ow......ow...ow....ow...

((((((more hugs)))))))

It appears you have done what you can.....I don't know what to say except hang in there and take care of yourself.

Maybe take a few days, breathe, take a hike, go to a movie, go hang out with some friends, catch some meetings, get some support, then after some time has passed, take the time to write out a well thought out email?

My last relationship she would pull away and "disappear" emotionally, as well as physically (not answer the phone etc.) and it drove me NUTS and I would "push" to try to find out what was going on, and I have to say it didn't work once....not one time.

Please bear in mind that this advice is from someone who just got done completely "doing it wrong" whatever else was going on that relationship so take it for what it's worth and maybe listen to women who have more success then I have had, I see some well thought out answers with experience and recovery here.

But, for me, as a man, I run from clingy, but I crumple to well written emails if that makes sense.

denny57

I'm not clear on that - are you suggesting sending a well written email, even though he has asked for no contact at this time?

Ago

After a period of time, yes, I suggested she take some space, go for a hike, go to some meetings etc. and then after a period of time had passed, yes, I feel it's OK to send an email asking for clarification. Are they broken up? what's going on?

I don't feel "taking some space" then leaving another human being hanging indefinitely is cool, if he wants to break up, he should "man up" and put it on the table, and if not, two lines in an email won't kill him. (Hi, still love you, need more time, don't worry I'll be here) or even (uncertain if I want to continue this relationship, sorry to leave you hanging)

I also stated I am not a therapist, and that this was just my opinion and that I have strange, outdated ideas about respecting other people that have gotten me in trouble in the past.

susanfsu1

You are right...he has chosen not to be that friendly ear. If he cared he would contact me and ask how my exam was.

By the way, I got a 91. I ROCK!

I have learned that I am definitely co dependent. I have learned that I have to take care of me. I feel that me and my life would greatly benefit from working the 12 steps. I have gone to 2 Al Anon meetings this week and have also found a CoDA meeting that I can try next week.

Peace and Love.

denny57

Yes, you do - congratulations!

GiveLove

Susan, what's your major? I take it from your screen name that you're at FSU, right?

I dream of 91's !