bookwyrm

Ago, thanks for the laugh on a wet n windy Friday morning!

venusinlibra

Call me crazy, but if you haven't seen someone in two weeks, I think it's perfectly normal to be disappointed if you don't. I understand people need space...if so stay single. Being in relationship is a give and take. Sometimes I think AA'ers use the "space issue" as an excuse and to avoid any type of responsibility. If someone wants to be with you, they will be, and they will make time.

venusinlibra

Let me add, your ex boyfriend is incredibly immature. He lets you know he's single via MySpace!!! He needs to grow up. Life is too precious and you're too wonderful of a woman to put up with those mind games.

susanfsu1

I went to see my counselor for the first time in several months. I'm not really sure if she does me any good or not. I wish she would give me assignments and things to work on...she just kind of goes along with what I am saying...anyway.

I am not sure what point I reached last night. But I do know that a lot of this was my fault. These are the demons I face in life and I have definitely been having one of my meltdowns. I thought the world was collapsing around me. I'm broke, my ex hubby wants custody of my son just out of spite and to control me, I hate my job and am kind of stuck in it, and I am in love with a man that has completely turned his life around for the better but has little time for me because he is so busy being responsible.

I got clingy and started feeling desperate. And as much as he was doing every thing in his power to show me he loved me, (the phone calls, the beautiful things he told me everyday and the incredibly special feeling he gave me) I wanted more. I copped an attitude and he snapped. Now I am left with the fact that my selfish and weak meltdown may have cost me the most important man in my life.

I have cried and cried and haven't been able to get my mind off of him. I realized last night that I have acted ridiculously and pathetically. No wonder he wanted some space. I wouldn't want to be around that crap either especially if I was so close to a brand new start for myself as he is with his nursing degree.

I never want to act that way again. I never want to be seen as needy or desperate again. I am so much stronger than the way I have allowed myself to act in the last few weeks.

I have spoken with him a few times and things went ok. We have been able to talk and communicate fairly well. He accepted my apology and because he is an RA knows that everyone has their ups and downs. He also told me that he is getting close to his sober anniversary and he starts feeling weird this time of year. He is an amazing person who has shown me how a 12 step program can change your life and for that I will be forever greatful.

Thank you for letting me share.

Love and Peace.

venusinlibra

I hope you're able to attend Alanon meetings. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and in relationships we get cranky. If you haven't seen your man in two weeks, it's ok to be bummed out. If he is that responsible, that together, he should be able to talk with you as an adult about the relationship.

Announcing your relationship is over via MySpace is very high school, very immature, and not very compassionate. It's not your fault, he just wasn't ready to deal with a normal relationship.

In my opinion, if addicts expect us and everyone else to forgive them for their "past" they need to step up to the plate and do the same.

My guy has been sober 2 years but still is VERY intolerate of others shortcomings. It's still all about him, his recovery, etc. etc.

I wish you only the best, do something nice for yourself, and focus on what you want for your future. It will work out.

denny57

I didn't get my first "assignment" for over 2 years. Looking back I think it was her recognizing off the bat that I'm a task/result oriented person. I liked busy work because it kept my mind occupied. I was frustrated, too. At that point, though, I had pretty much resigned myself to "going with the flow" because god knows nothing else I tried had worked.

I think it's great to accept responsibility for my part in anything. Is there really "fault" in this? I'm not so sure. When I look through a dark lens, it's hard to see things straight. For instance, a man who breaks up with you on a website has not completely turned his life around for the better or acted responsibly. He would appear to be a work in progress, too

I believe everything works out the way it should. I can relate to the "copped an attitude." This is something I've really made progress on in therapy. It was my defense against expected disappointment and hurt.

What strikes me in this paragraph is that you apologized and he made an excuse.

I'm glad you checked in. Keep posting!

((( )))

prodigal

Thanks for pointing that out Denny. It raised something in me, as well, that wanted to respond but I was at a loss for words (now THAT'S a rarity!!).

The comfort zone that may be in place is that we, as codies, feel better when we make amends - even if we do not need to. But we have that natural reaction to take the blame, carry the guilt, smooth things over. I realize I have frequently done that myself. And my motive was that I wanted (1) to smooth things over, and (2) get the other person to like me again; to be satisifed with me; to feel I had pleased him or her; that I had behaved "appropriately" in their eyes.

It wasn't until I came to grips with what I was doing that I was able to understand that my "comfort zone" was based on my codependency. And that "comfort zone" finally became uncomfortable.

laurie6781

Denny and Prodigal I'm don't believe it was an 'excuse' but rather a statement of fact.

I know for myself and many others our anniversary of recovery from alcoholism is a quite reflective time that has the tendency to bring up the "shoulda, woulda, couldas" and can cause great consternation. I still get 'whippy' for about a week before and after and as you know I have been sober and clean a long time now.

It use to be much worse, so he may have been focusing on his anniversary.

Guess I am just not as quick to 'judge' as I used to be. lol

That being said, I can also share that having had to learn to 'stand on my own two feet' in recovery and take care of 'my responsibilities' I do not tolerate 'clingy' gentlemen that want to know what I am doing, why I can't do what they want ALL THE TIME, call 20 times a day, etc etc

I do believe it is hard for anyone who has not recovered from addiction to truly understand the way an addict thinks things through, how they treat their responsibilities, etc

J M H O

Love and hugs,

nowwhat

I went through a similar breakup last winter--sudden, shocking, and very hurtful. It happened when I asked for what I needed, maybe clumsily, for sure emotionally, but ultimately honestly.

My BF and I ended up reconciling, and have stayed together with a LOT more communication and openness, but it only happened because both of us started seeing therapists.

IMO, if a relationship is to succeed, there has to be room for both partners to be imperfect. My suspicion, even though I don't know you or your guy, is that your gut was telling you something was wrong when you didn't see each other for two weekends--and that's why you reacted with sarcasm (a defense mechanism when you are hurting).

It's been a very good thing for me to learn to trust my gut, forgive myself for being human, and learn to communicate my truth--even when it's scary to do so.

This terrible hurt you are experiencing can either damage you or be used as a huge wake up call to learn more about yourself and ways to take good care of yourself. You are worth it.

When my BF and I got back together, he couldn't believe the difference in my thinking and behavior, which was largely due to seeing a therapist, coming to SR, and reading a LOT of recovery literature. Oh, and also learning to pray (not natural for me, non-traditional-religious person). He entered therapy as a result of many of our discussions and we have been steadily improving our relationship ever since.

Even if we hadn't reconciled, I believe the principles I learned would have helped me to find a better way of being.

Hugs and peace be with you as you go through this painful time.

gns

I know I was uncomfortable when my now XABF only wanted to spend saturday nights with me after 3 years while we were talking about marriage and planning on living together.

I told hime what I wanted and needed, and he had a lot of excuses, which I happily belived (because at least it want me and lack of loving me!).

Turns out I should have listened to his actions not his excuses - he really did not want to live together or share that much space with me.

My advice would be to really think about what you want and your needs and see if you are getting that. Maybe the reasons why you are not getting what you and and need are less important than the fact that you are not getting them!

denny57

That wasn't a judgement. I pointed out that she apologized and he made an excuse. If he apologized to her for hanging up on her and breaking up with her on a website, I didn't see it there.

The reason I recognize this is because I've done it myself. Today, when I've had a dust up with someone, I say "I'm sorry, too" I don't say yeah I was PMSing that day. Oh, poor me.

I've come to understand that everyone has significant, difficult times in their lives they could use as an excuse being pissy. There's a way to explain that and say "I'm sorry," too.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

venusinlibra

With Alanon and AA aside, if I want to spend time with someone I do. If I love and respect someone, I call. If I'm not feeling it anymore, I let the person know in a loving and compassionate way.

If you're TRULY in recovery, don't use addiction as an excuse to act like a douche bag. Treat people with the same respect you want as well.

I'm sorry your boyfriend hurt you, he has alot of growing up to do. It's not your fault and don't let someone else make you feel bad about yourself. He probably wasn't ready for a relationship and still lacks the tools to communicate with women on an adult level.