Does anyone else feel this way?
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Does anyone else feel this way?
Ok I'm going to be totally honest here. As most of you know it's been 3 1/2 months since I kicked out xabf. However, I'm still hurt and sad about all of the crap that went on during our 2 year relationship. Not only is he an alcoholic but he also dabbles in crack.
So the point of my post is...I want him to FAIL. I want him to experience unhappiness and to NEVER find anyone else like me. He is currently living with another "victim" and I find myself wishing the worst on him. I know that feeling like this isn't healthy at all but I can't seem to "want the best" for him at all.
I was doing so well and then for about the last 2 weeks it seems I am consumed with what he's doing, whether or not he's still drinking, is he still sneaking and smoking crack, does he really love this new girl, does he still think about me? Blah, Blah. I hate having him in my thoughts but I loved this man with all my being.
So be honest - does anyone else feel this vindictive???
So the point of my post is...I want him to FAIL. I want him to experience unhappiness and to NEVER find anyone else like me. He is currently living with another "victim" and I find myself wishing the worst on him. I know that feeling like this isn't healthy at all but I can't seem to "want the best" for him at all.
I was doing so well and then for about the last 2 weeks it seems I am consumed with what he's doing, whether or not he's still drinking, is he still sneaking and smoking crack, does he really love this new girl, does he still think about me? Blah, Blah. I hate having him in my thoughts but I loved this man with all my being.
So be honest - does anyone else feel this vindictive???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
lov,
Normal, happy people don't drink and smoke crack. They do it, for the most part, to self-medicate because they cannot face life sober.
That said, sometimes I do wish my AH is miserable and that he's kicking his own arse daily for losing me and the children. Some days, I hope he drinks himself to death because I hurt so much. On RARE days, I hope he gets it together and he's happy.
I have a feeling my H is involved with someone else and we've been apart a month. That's what he usually does....falls head over heels for someone else and then realizes it's me he really "loves." His love for me hurts though.
Love is not supposed to hurt. And the new victim? Well, she was you a couple of years ago, hon. I honestly believe the last woman my H was with was a fantastic person and I'd probably be peas in a pod friends with her under different circumstances. In a couple of years (hopefully sooner) she is going to be damaged from loving an addict, just like you were. It really doesn't matter who is prettier or skinnier or has more money. All an addict needs is one enabler to keep drinking/drugging.
I'm trudging along, trying desperately to move on and I keep getting tripped up on the journey. While I may have loved my AH too much, there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I'm working on what I can and I believe I will come out of this mess like a shining star, SOMEDAY....just not today. I did start a journal last night and will be writing letters to my HP as needed. I am also going to start journaling the incidents of abuse as I remember them so I can reread them when I feel weak.
I feel like I've rambled but I know where you're coming from. Some days it's all I can do to fight back tears and some days I feel like I wish he were dead. As time wears on, it will get better....right?
Hugs,
Sunny
Normal, happy people don't drink and smoke crack. They do it, for the most part, to self-medicate because they cannot face life sober.
That said, sometimes I do wish my AH is miserable and that he's kicking his own arse daily for losing me and the children. Some days, I hope he drinks himself to death because I hurt so much. On RARE days, I hope he gets it together and he's happy.
I have a feeling my H is involved with someone else and we've been apart a month. That's what he usually does....falls head over heels for someone else and then realizes it's me he really "loves." His love for me hurts though.
Love is not supposed to hurt. And the new victim? Well, she was you a couple of years ago, hon. I honestly believe the last woman my H was with was a fantastic person and I'd probably be peas in a pod friends with her under different circumstances. In a couple of years (hopefully sooner) she is going to be damaged from loving an addict, just like you were. It really doesn't matter who is prettier or skinnier or has more money. All an addict needs is one enabler to keep drinking/drugging.I'm trudging along, trying desperately to move on and I keep getting tripped up on the journey. While I may have loved my AH too much, there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I'm working on what I can and I believe I will come out of this mess like a shining star, SOMEDAY....just not today. I did start a journal last night and will be writing letters to my HP as needed. I am also going to start journaling the incidents of abuse as I remember them so I can reread them when I feel weak.
I feel like I've rambled but I know where you're coming from. Some days it's all I can do to fight back tears and some days I feel like I wish he were dead. As time wears on, it will get better....right?
Hugs,
Sunny
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 57
Hi
I can say that I feel the exact same way, so many times I wished my ex dead or to be miserable. And it is a yr now and I still feel so much anger and pain and resentmet towards him. So I know how you feel, while your ex is with someone, my ex is on a dating site as I write his picking up several women at one time and soon there will be a new victim in his life as well...... But one thing that sunflowerintx wrote really hit home for me and I really believe this to be true.......
"Normal, happy people don't drink and smoke crack. They do it, for the most part, to self-medicate because they cannot face life sober"
So see they are not happy, they have a hole in their sole that needs to be filled and they really don't care who fills it.......I also do my best to look forward instead of looking back because we really all do deserve to be happy and have real love in our life..... hugs
I can say that I feel the exact same way, so many times I wished my ex dead or to be miserable. And it is a yr now and I still feel so much anger and pain and resentmet towards him. So I know how you feel, while your ex is with someone, my ex is on a dating site as I write his picking up several women at one time and soon there will be a new victim in his life as well...... But one thing that sunflowerintx wrote really hit home for me and I really believe this to be true.......
"Normal, happy people don't drink and smoke crack. They do it, for the most part, to self-medicate because they cannot face life sober"
So see they are not happy, they have a hole in their sole that needs to be filled and they really don't care who fills it.......I also do my best to look forward instead of looking back because we really all do deserve to be happy and have real love in our life..... hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Hey there lovtolaff! I'm right behind you, I left my AH almost 2 months ago, within a week he was introducing his new girlfriend to my friends (this is someone he an affair with 15 years ago, so God only knows how long it's been going on).
Do I wish him happiness! Most of the time no bloody way, I've found myself fantasying how miserable I think he should be, finding him on park bench so I could kick him and tell to him to go to hell, all kinds of terrible things. At the beginning these type of thoughts would be almost hourly. The hurt I felt was indescribable. Especially the feelings of betrayal with the OW.
Now, well it's better. I've realized I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be used, manipulated, lied to and ripped off. I'm also taking responsibility for those actions, I can't blame him for everything, I did participate. But and there's always a but isn't there, I'm doing something about it, I'm taking control of my life, my feelings, my surroundings and me in general. I'm taking responsibility now for ME.
What he is doing has nothing to do with me anymore. I made my decision not to be involved with someone like him. I'm deserve much more than that. He made his decision to live his life the way he wants too. It's not my life but he's entitled to live his life the way he sees fit - which is drunk and being dishonest.
I've also been working on acceptance - of what we really had and NOT the fantasy. When you start writing things down and realizing what really unhealthy and unnormal behaviors we both had it's quite an eye opener. I also ask myself why would I want this type of person in my life? what makes me think I don't deserve any better?
I believe that in time I will be in a place where I can wish him well and hope for the best for him. I'd also like to believe I can forgive him the same way I am learning to forgive myself. I come first though, his stuff can wait.
I'll learn to forgive and let go totally, I'm just making a point of never forgetting.
Stay strong!
Do I wish him happiness! Most of the time no bloody way, I've found myself fantasying how miserable I think he should be, finding him on park bench so I could kick him and tell to him to go to hell, all kinds of terrible things. At the beginning these type of thoughts would be almost hourly. The hurt I felt was indescribable. Especially the feelings of betrayal with the OW.
Now, well it's better. I've realized I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be used, manipulated, lied to and ripped off. I'm also taking responsibility for those actions, I can't blame him for everything, I did participate. But and there's always a but isn't there, I'm doing something about it, I'm taking control of my life, my feelings, my surroundings and me in general. I'm taking responsibility now for ME.
What he is doing has nothing to do with me anymore. I made my decision not to be involved with someone like him. I'm deserve much more than that. He made his decision to live his life the way he wants too. It's not my life but he's entitled to live his life the way he sees fit - which is drunk and being dishonest.
I've also been working on acceptance - of what we really had and NOT the fantasy. When you start writing things down and realizing what really unhealthy and unnormal behaviors we both had it's quite an eye opener. I also ask myself why would I want this type of person in my life? what makes me think I don't deserve any better?
I believe that in time I will be in a place where I can wish him well and hope for the best for him. I'd also like to believe I can forgive him the same way I am learning to forgive myself. I come first though, his stuff can wait.
I'll learn to forgive and let go totally, I'm just making a point of never forgetting.
Stay strong!
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Thank you both for replying....and being honest.
I know he's not happy...never will be. Hell, he couldn't have been all that happy with me either b/c he drank and drugged regularly.
And sunflower - I didn't see you as rambling AT ALL. I understood and feel everything you wrote. I am just so tired of feeling this sadness/hurt/anger and the "wondering" about him. I'm pretty sure he will NEVER change and I guess I'm mad at myself for not realizing that. You see, I always have these weird fantasies that he somehow has or is getting it ALL together and will live happily ever after WITHOUT ME. Grrrrr!!!
And sunflower you are right about love not supposed to hurt. But boy did it ever!! I don't want that kind of love anymore but yet I'm still thinking about him and how I "miss" him sometimes! It's a neverending battle in my mind and my heart.
Oh I certainly hope so. Sooner rather than later.
I know he's not happy...never will be. Hell, he couldn't have been all that happy with me either b/c he drank and drugged regularly.
And sunflower - I didn't see you as rambling AT ALL. I understood and feel everything you wrote. I am just so tired of feeling this sadness/hurt/anger and the "wondering" about him. I'm pretty sure he will NEVER change and I guess I'm mad at myself for not realizing that. You see, I always have these weird fantasies that he somehow has or is getting it ALL together and will live happily ever after WITHOUT ME. Grrrrr!!!
And sunflower you are right about love not supposed to hurt. But boy did it ever!! I don't want that kind of love anymore but yet I'm still thinking about him and how I "miss" him sometimes! It's a neverending battle in my mind and my heart.
As time wears on, it will get better....right?
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I've realized I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be used, manipulated, lied to and ripped off.
I've also been working on acceptance - of what we really had and NOT the fantasy.
I got caught up in a devlishy handsome, charming, dishonest man. One that took me on the ride of my life and that just pi$$es me off.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yep, I felt like that in the early days after my breakup. And I was more mad at me than at him, I could tell, because when I got to the point where I forgave myself for making human mistakes (like staying with a handsome, manipulative alcoholic) the vindictiveness faded away.
Also, for me anyway, that anger served as a shield, like body armor, protecting me from any possibility that I'd end up with someone like him again. It was useful. Is your anger useful? Does it protect you? Maybe you should be grateful for it.......I know I was.
Now I just don't give a sh**.
I know he'll never be happy. I know that if he met someone like me, he's screw her over too. He's doing what he's always done, and while it's a shame, I can't waste any time on him.
Wishing that, when it's time, you'll get to this place of "Who the Heck Cares?" It's a huuuuge relief.
Also, for me anyway, that anger served as a shield, like body armor, protecting me from any possibility that I'd end up with someone like him again. It was useful. Is your anger useful? Does it protect you? Maybe you should be grateful for it.......I know I was.
Now I just don't give a sh**.
I know he'll never be happy. I know that if he met someone like me, he's screw her over too. He's doing what he's always done, and while it's a shame, I can't waste any time on him.Wishing that, when it's time, you'll get to this place of "Who the Heck Cares?"
It's a huuuuge relief.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
At least you had the courage to leave after only 2 years, I stayed 24! Yep 24 years, half my life. I had plenty of red flags, my inner voice had permanent laryngitis because I chose to ignore it. But that was yesterday, today thank you is a new life for me and for you too!
Stay strong and keep posting, the sharing helps us all!
Stay strong and keep posting, the sharing helps us all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
Yup ... ditto here ...
OMG i'm sooo glad you posted this thread! This is exactly how I'm feeling ...
I was with my ex for what would have been 2 years this month. He has been out of our (my) home since July and I haven't talked to him for about 3 weeks now. I found out 3 weeks ago that he had a new girlfriend - it tore me apart.
I wrestle every day with wanting him to get better and then worrying that IF he gets better then it really WAS me ... or at least the combination of US that was wrong and horrible and ugly.
It was so perfect in the beginning ... or at least my needs for comfort, love, connection with him were being met ... and every day I my head and heart fight to tease out the real from the fantasy, the "what is" from the "what could/might/should have been" ...
I have to remind myself over and over that I am NOT the only one he stole from, lied to, talked bad about ... and that these are character flaws because he's in so much pain and is too afraid to deal with his own problems. That is why he hides his true self from people, that is why he numbs out with drugs and alcohol, that is why he hangs around with people who do all these things - so that he will feel like what he's doing is okay.
Whenever I think of his girlfriend, I think that either she is a kind person like me ... who will surely end up just where I am down the line ... and that he's using her and taking all her money and energy etc and eventually he'll treat her just like me ... OR ... she's just like HIM and a liar and thief and drug user and they will contribute to each other's destruction in one way or another. It doesn't take all the pain away, but it certainly helps me to get a grip on what is REAL ... and that reality is that I decided that I could not tolerate his lies and stealing and complete lack of respect for me ... and I chose to leave. Nothing has changed - he's still (as far as I know) not working, still using drugs, still lying and still not seeking any help for any of his problems. He is still NOT thinking about how his actions affected me ... he NEVER put me or our relationship first ... not EVER ... and taking up with a new girlfriend after begging me for another chance just proves that he is still thinking only of his immediate needs ... So ... he's still not where I need him to be ...
Yes, I still miss him ... Yes, I still love him ...
and YES ... I absolutely have more days where I want him to fail, to be unhappy, to struggle ... and I can admit that I'm still hoping that ONE DAY he will see all that I did for him and how much I loved him and at least, I might get an apology ... one day. But I also know that I may never get that ... and I have to work at accepting that.
It really hit home with me to remember that he's using drugs and lying and all of those things BECAUSE as someone else said, he's not happy with himself ... this new girlfriend is a distraction and/or a means to an end for him.
I have these very same thoughts ... and I have to consciously try to stop myself or distract myself ... but when I can't ... I think about the reality and what is most likely, based on my experiences with him, going to happen. Yes, right now, everything is probably awesome with his new gf ... it probably was with you in the beginning ... but you can bet your bottom dollar that perfection will wear off as soon as she starts asking for him to give back to the relationship - that is when it all started slipping for me - I was the "perfect girlfriend" until I got so tired of giving and giving and working my butt off all day and coming home to a messy house and him asleep on the couch ... and when I started asking him to contribute, suddenly I wasn't such a great gf afterall ... now I was a naggy, controlling, crazy person and he started avoiding me ...
It's a cycle that they are destined to repeat over and over until they deal with their stuff ... and if they are mooching off someone else, they aren't likely ready to deal with their stuff ... they're just looking for another "enabler".
It all sounds easy enough to say ... but believe you me ... convincing your head and heart to believe it is a whole other ball of wax .... as much as I tell myself that he's not ready to change and that this is all just the same cycle just different people ... I still question myself every day ...
"what if I really was too demanding and naggy and drove him to treating me that way"
"what if he really wasn't addicted and I made too much of a big deal about it and now he's found someone who accepts it and he'll be happy"
"what if he never really loved me, but he really loves her and will change for her"
"what if she's prettier, skinnier, nicer, cooler (insert word here) than me and he's wondering why he ever wasted 2 years with me"
"what if it really was all my fault"
the list of "what ifs" goes on and on ...
If you ever want to PM me to talk ... feel free I find talking with others who are feeling the same at least helps us to feel a little less crazy ... cuz if everyone else thinks the same thing ... then we can't ALL be crazy, right??
*hugz*
I was with my ex for what would have been 2 years this month. He has been out of our (my) home since July and I haven't talked to him for about 3 weeks now. I found out 3 weeks ago that he had a new girlfriend - it tore me apart.
I wrestle every day with wanting him to get better and then worrying that IF he gets better then it really WAS me ... or at least the combination of US that was wrong and horrible and ugly.
It was so perfect in the beginning ... or at least my needs for comfort, love, connection with him were being met ... and every day I my head and heart fight to tease out the real from the fantasy, the "what is" from the "what could/might/should have been" ...
I have to remind myself over and over that I am NOT the only one he stole from, lied to, talked bad about ... and that these are character flaws because he's in so much pain and is too afraid to deal with his own problems. That is why he hides his true self from people, that is why he numbs out with drugs and alcohol, that is why he hangs around with people who do all these things - so that he will feel like what he's doing is okay.
Whenever I think of his girlfriend, I think that either she is a kind person like me ... who will surely end up just where I am down the line ... and that he's using her and taking all her money and energy etc and eventually he'll treat her just like me ... OR ... she's just like HIM and a liar and thief and drug user and they will contribute to each other's destruction in one way or another. It doesn't take all the pain away, but it certainly helps me to get a grip on what is REAL ... and that reality is that I decided that I could not tolerate his lies and stealing and complete lack of respect for me ... and I chose to leave. Nothing has changed - he's still (as far as I know) not working, still using drugs, still lying and still not seeking any help for any of his problems. He is still NOT thinking about how his actions affected me ... he NEVER put me or our relationship first ... not EVER ... and taking up with a new girlfriend after begging me for another chance just proves that he is still thinking only of his immediate needs ... So ... he's still not where I need him to be ...
Yes, I still miss him ... Yes, I still love him ...
and YES ... I absolutely have more days where I want him to fail, to be unhappy, to struggle ... and I can admit that I'm still hoping that ONE DAY he will see all that I did for him and how much I loved him and at least, I might get an apology ... one day. But I also know that I may never get that ... and I have to work at accepting that.
It really hit home with me to remember that he's using drugs and lying and all of those things BECAUSE as someone else said, he's not happy with himself ... this new girlfriend is a distraction and/or a means to an end for him.
Originally Posted by lovtolaff 
I was doing so well and then for about the last 2 weeks it seems I am consumed with what he's doing, whether or not he's still drinking, is he still sneaking and smoking crack, does he really love this new girl, does he still think about me? Blah, Blah. I hate having him in my thoughts but I loved this man with all my being.
It's a cycle that they are destined to repeat over and over until they deal with their stuff ... and if they are mooching off someone else, they aren't likely ready to deal with their stuff ... they're just looking for another "enabler".
It all sounds easy enough to say ... but believe you me ... convincing your head and heart to believe it is a whole other ball of wax .... as much as I tell myself that he's not ready to change and that this is all just the same cycle just different people ... I still question myself every day ...
"what if I really was too demanding and naggy and drove him to treating me that way"
"what if he really wasn't addicted and I made too much of a big deal about it and now he's found someone who accepts it and he'll be happy"
"what if he never really loved me, but he really loves her and will change for her"
"what if she's prettier, skinnier, nicer, cooler (insert word here) than me and he's wondering why he ever wasted 2 years with me"
"what if it really was all my fault"
the list of "what ifs" goes on and on ...
If you ever want to PM me to talk ... feel free
I find talking with others who are feeling the same at least helps us to feel a little less crazy ... cuz if everyone else thinks the same thing ... then we can't ALL be crazy, right?? *hugz*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Yep, I felt like that in the early days after my breakup. And I was more mad at me than at him, I could tell, because when I got to the point where I forgave myself for making human mistakes (like staying with a handsome, manipulative alcoholic) the vindictiveness faded away.
That was my experience too. Once I was able to truly forgive myself, all those vindictive and hateful thoughts faded away.
Kitkatt
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 20
Yep - a "fantasy" or "what could have been" - I know it well. In my mind, "if only" he would stop this or stop that we would have been perfect together. Now I look back and see that that is not true. His morals, ethics and general personality was way too out there for me - even when sober.
I got caught up in a devlishy handsome, charming, dishonest man. One that took me on the ride of my life and that just pi$$es me off.
__________________
My Ah is also a charmer...he can wrap people around his finger in minutes and they hang on every word. I also am angry at myself for putting up with his ways for so long..and i have pictured him driving off a cliff...getting dui's and in jail and laughing at him when he calls me to bail him out...all sorts of things...for the time it makes me feel better i guess.
I too wanted to believe in the fantasy..that if we can just overcome this and that..all will be fine..hanging on to hope. Cinderella sold us a bill of good people LOL!
That is no prince charming that will make us happy..we are responsible for our own happiness..and making ourselves whole as people and if we are lucky enough to find someone to share the journey of life with us that puts a smile on our face and we long to be with..we are truly blessed.
Just my 2cents
Peace
I got caught up in a devlishy handsome, charming, dishonest man. One that took me on the ride of my life and that just pi$$es me off.
__________________
My Ah is also a charmer...he can wrap people around his finger in minutes and they hang on every word. I also am angry at myself for putting up with his ways for so long..and i have pictured him driving off a cliff...getting dui's and in jail and laughing at him when he calls me to bail him out...all sorts of things...for the time it makes me feel better i guess.
I too wanted to believe in the fantasy..that if we can just overcome this and that..all will be fine..hanging on to hope. Cinderella sold us a bill of good people LOL!
That is no prince charming that will make us happy..we are responsible for our own happiness..and making ourselves whole as people and if we are lucky enough to find someone to share the journey of life with us that puts a smile on our face and we long to be with..we are truly blessed.
Just my 2cents
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I've been married to two A's. I can honestly report that neither of them were happy people. They also alienated the people with whom they came in contact and did a marvelous job of making others miserable.
I remember the anger, and it was HUGE. I wished both of them would just DIE. I would argue with them while driving my car. Yeah, I'm sure I looked completely nuts to other drivers, but it helped me to release my hostility. I still remained frustrated, because all the words I said would never actually be heard by them.
Then I realized even if I had the opportunity to speak directly to them, they wouldn't really hear what I was saying anyway.
Anger is part of the grieving process. Under that anger is a lot of hurt. You have to work through it to get through it.
And, P.S. - my exAH had his big mug plastered on just about every Internet dating site on the planet before we were even formally separated!!
I remember the anger, and it was HUGE. I wished both of them would just DIE. I would argue with them while driving my car. Yeah, I'm sure I looked completely nuts to other drivers, but it helped me to release my hostility. I still remained frustrated, because all the words I said would never actually be heard by them.
Then I realized even if I had the opportunity to speak directly to them, they wouldn't really hear what I was saying anyway.
Anger is part of the grieving process. Under that anger is a lot of hurt. You have to work through it to get through it.
And, P.S. - my exAH had his big mug plastered on just about every Internet dating site on the planet before we were even formally separated!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
im glad to know im not the only one wtih feelings like these, i have honestly sit and thought i really wish my AH would just die then my problems would be solved, i would never have to worry about him trying to get visitation with my son, i wouldnt have to worry about him trying to come back when he hits bottom, wouldnt have to go through a divorce , but i know how just utterly wrong that is , and if he were to die it would tear me apart and i couldnt live through that no matter how bad he is
i sit and wonder all the time why his girlfriend now is so much better than me, it drives me nuts even though i know he will sooner or later treat her the way he did me
i sit and wonder all the time why his girlfriend now is so much better than me, it drives me nuts even though i know he will sooner or later treat her the way he did me
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,694
Originally Posted by veryrestless722
i sit and wonder all the time why his girlfriend now is so much better than me, it drives me nuts even though i know he will sooner or later treat her the way he did me
Not at all.
Right now she's getting what she needs from him -
you've already figured out that he can't give you what you need
I'd say that's a realization to be proud of.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
toughchoices-- thanks, i know that in my head, but my heart hasnt caught up with that knowledge yet, specially when during one of the few times ive seen my AH since he left he told me "how good she was to him" and that hes "finally happy" , course i know that it was just his way of hurting me, it just nags at me, but those two things he said gave me even more strength to stay away from him
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
and the fight between head and heart continues ...
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Right now she's getting what she needs from him -
you've already figured out that he can't give you what you need
you've already figured out that he can't give you what you need
can anyone else identify with this train of thought??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by lovesmenot74
Interesting that when I read this, my first reaction was ... ahh ... good point ... but my next thought was ... what if my ex's new girlfriend is giving him what HE needs ... and I guess that is one of my fears ... that I gave him so much and it still wasn't enough ... and now someone else is somehow going to give him the one thing that I didn't ... and he'll live happily ever after ....
can anyone else identify with this train of thought??
can anyone else identify with this train of thought??
when he said he was finally happy to me, i was like so you've been just so unhappy for the last 7 years, then why did you keep coming back to me, he had no answer except i thought it would work, hes such an idiot
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
ugh ...
Originally Posted by veryrestless722
i live that train of thought every day, my biggest secret fear is that he will get sober and never want me again, that he will be sober and have this great life and remarry and have many children, and i wont be apart of any of that, and i shouldnt even worry about that or even think it, cause i cant go back to him no matter what and will probably not happen, he is one of the type people that more likely than not he wont ever change
when he said he was finally happy to me, i was like so you've been just so unhappy for the last 7 years, then why did you keep coming back to me, he had no answer except i thought it would work, hes such an idiot
when he said he was finally happy to me, i was like so you've been just so unhappy for the last 7 years, then why did you keep coming back to me, he had no answer except i thought it would work, hes such an idiot
My secret fear is similar to yours ... that he'll get his sh*t together and he'll go on and live the life that I knew WE could have together with someone else!!
I would have done anything to make our relationship better - I wanted to go to therapy, I scoured the Internet for different ways to communicate with him ... he always said "we just have to work on things" and yet HE never worked on anything ... nothing EVER changed for him ... if he did try something different, it didn't last - or it involved him just completely avoiding me and shutting me out so we wouldn't fight ... rather than oh ... I dunno ... getting off his lazy a$$ and helping OUT by getting a job, being honest, trying to communicate, being respectful ... so my biggest fear really does come back to ME not being enough for him to WANT to make it work ... because it seems to me that he didn't value our relationship or me enough to TRY to get his stuff in order ...
Of course, now that I realize his drug use is more serious than what I thought (this whole time he was telling me he wasn't using drugs at all) things seem a little more clear and some of his behaviours seem to make more sense ... but for me, it still comes down to our relationship not being important enough for him ... and it scares me that one day he might find someone who IS important enough for him and i'll still be here trying to heal from loving him so much and not being enough of a reason for him to want a better life ...
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