Why can't he tell me why he drinks?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Great great post, and crystal clear eloquent answer.
thank you once again
thank you once again
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
If he is an alcoholic he can not tell you why he drinks until he is able to admit to himself he is an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic and I can tell you why I drank! I drank because I am an alcoholic!
I quit drinking almost 2 years ago..... why?
Because I was at the point where no one was willing to do anything to help me with anything!!!
I had reached the point where it was me and my bottle against the world!!!
Once no one was enabling me in any way I had a choice, stop drinking or die drinking!
I am an alcoholic and I can tell you why I drank! I drank because I am an alcoholic!
I quit drinking almost 2 years ago..... why?
Because I was at the point where no one was willing to do anything to help me with anything!!!
I had reached the point where it was me and my bottle against the world!!!
Once no one was enabling me in any way I had a choice, stop drinking or die drinking!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
So my question is... if I chose to stay with him through these next 4 years while he is in prison, then am I enabling him by sticking with him?
I don't think staying with him while he is away in jail is "doing for him something he can or should be doing for himself" (my understanding of enabling).
But you might want to ask yourself... what is it you want from YOUR life? Can you live with a man who may not stay sober when he gets out of jail? Can you maintain boundaries, live with lies, tolerate broken promises?
Because if all he is doing is going to jail, I don't see much sobriety when he gets home... but that is not a prediction, because we can never predict where addiction/alcoholism will take us.
I love the analogy between drinking and our codependence with the drunks.... as much as they want to stop, they can't. As much as we wish to stop caring SO INTENSELY about their lives, we can't.
12-step programs can help both sets of folks. I know Alanon saved my life. If you do decide to stay around for four years, you might consider attending some Alanon meetings. If you decide to not wait, you might want to attend some Alanon meetings so you can figure out if maybe there is something about alcoholics that draws you in.... I've discovered, the fastest way for me to identify an alcoholic male in the room - if I am attracted to him, he probably drinks too much.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Washington State
Posts: 51
22 years ago when my AH found sobriety the first time things were different for us. We were young, poor and I was willing to go through anything to save my marriage. That was best for me at that time. Fast forward 20 years and a relapse..2 teenage boys, a high paying career and a happy marriage. This time I would have stayed married, not living together, because the vows do mean everything to me to. The issue this time was that the drinking brought along it's other close friends of cheating and lying.
Those close friends broke my wedding vows and I could not, for my own sake, be married anymore. I care about my husband and hate this disease. I have seen him spiral downward but know I cannot save him. But I also have a disease to so I have to take care of my own recovery for the sake of our children so hopefully we can break this cycle.I think every situation is different and only you know what is best for you, your heart and your situation. "One day at a time" sometimes "1 minute at a time" and "Let Go and Let God" have gotten me through many a difficult day when I wasn't sure I could even get out of bed.
Those close friends broke my wedding vows and I could not, for my own sake, be married anymore. I care about my husband and hate this disease. I have seen him spiral downward but know I cannot save him. But I also have a disease to so I have to take care of my own recovery for the sake of our children so hopefully we can break this cycle.I think every situation is different and only you know what is best for you, your heart and your situation. "One day at a time" sometimes "1 minute at a time" and "Let Go and Let God" have gotten me through many a difficult day when I wasn't sure I could even get out of bed.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I would not put my life on hold for 4 years for a man who would trade a good life with a loving woman for 4 years in prison just so he could get wasted.
In a way, codependent partners get wasted, too. They waste their lives waiting for addicts to get their act together. I wasted 25 years of my life waiting for my alcoholic boyfriend to get his act together. And you know what? He NEVER did. He drank himself to death one year ago.
My needs and wants were never at the forefront of his agenda. Drinking was. I would take the 4-year prison term as a gift--one where I could focus on myself and spend some time in a recovery program figuring out why I danced the alcoholic-codie dance in the first place, so I never end up in a similar situation again.
In a way, codependent partners get wasted, too. They waste their lives waiting for addicts to get their act together. I wasted 25 years of my life waiting for my alcoholic boyfriend to get his act together. And you know what? He NEVER did. He drank himself to death one year ago.
My needs and wants were never at the forefront of his agenda. Drinking was. I would take the 4-year prison term as a gift--one where I could focus on myself and spend some time in a recovery program figuring out why I danced the alcoholic-codie dance in the first place, so I never end up in a similar situation again.
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