Why can't he tell me why he drinks?
 

Is that such a hard question??

I just want to understand why is it that he is willing to drink when he knows drinking will result in the loss of his freedom. He isn't going to be able to live with me in the new home we just bought. He loved working in the yard and garden, he had a motorcycle that he loved to ride, he had a good job that he was respected in.

And when I ask him what is it about beer that is so great that he is willing to sacrafice all that he had to drink it, he can't answer me.

Why can't he answer me?? He just says I don't know.

How do I help him figure it out?? Without being an enabler??? Or better question is; can I help him figure it out?

Please give me some advice, some insight...

I just want to understand this thing called alcoholism.

PS I live in a rural area where the nearest al anon meeting is 45 miles away.

Thanks,
Karen

Do you or can you get a copy of the AA big book? You may find it helpful and this isn't a direct quote but in one part of the book it says, the drinker themsleves don't know why they do it, in light of what outcomes the drinking causes. I.e. keep getting drunk at work, so get fired.

But ask the drinker why they keep getting drunk at work and they may say they don't like the boss, but really it's they don't know how not to drink and/or deal with lifes problems. Most people who don't like their boss will get a new job or find away to deal with it. Not alcoholics, in away we capitalise on that kind of thing so we can drink over it.

So to make a long story short, they (we) drink because we are alcoholics.

Does that make sense?

He drinks because he wants to. His choice. You'll drive yourself crazy with this. What might help more is trying to figure out why it's so important to get into his head. What's in your head? If you knew why he drank what would it change?

I can relate to your pain here Karen, I think its like asking what is the meaning of life ??
is there ever a straight answer or one we can understand. All we do know is that it is an illness that needs to be treated

Only if he begins his journey and then probably only on the edges. His alcoholism is his problem to deal with when he is ready to do so.

What you can do is figure out either how to live with him as he is or how to leave him. What you can do is read and learn how not to enable, how to detach with love and how to improve your life regardless of whether he is drinking or not, whether you stay with him or not.

You have some great responses to your ?'s. lizw said it all in a nut shell. WE are alcoholics! That is what we do-drink. I chaired an AA mtg tonight that had a relapser return after a short time out. He said "I do not know why I started to drink again, I just did." You will not be able to help him figure out, or understand why. All you can do is work on yourself. AlAnon is a great support system for family and friends of alcoholics. Some AA & AlAnon mtgs are held at same time next door to each other. Maybe the two of you could try it out if it is available. It couldn't hurt and maybe it will help. Best wishes to you.

Oh, my. If I knew the answer to your question, I could solve the pain of millions of people, alcoholics and those who love them alike.

The A in my life is someone I love dearly. She and I have been together for almost 18 years, through thick and thin. Yes, I've enabled her. Yes, she's promised to stop many times. Yes, I've delivered ultimatums and not seen them through. There are many reasons why most of us in this forum are codependents. You may as well ask yourself why you stay with an alcoholic when you're lied to, manipulated, and love is given so sweetly and then just as quickly taken away.

There are no easy answers as much as we wish there were. Just moments ago my AP (alcoholic partner) peeked into the spare bedroom that I moved into a month ago, asking if I'm okay. I was reading this forum but switched to another site as I heard her approach. She came in, rubbed my shoulders, told me she missed me, and we started talking about finances. We both know that we're in a financial mess that we'll only dig out of by selling our house. Then come the hard decisions.

My AP said, "So, we sell the house and buy a condo together?" I answered, somewhat reluctantly because I knew where my answer would lead us, "That's your choice." "So, you're setting me up for failure? Just go ahead and go to your Alanon meetings. They're all about Jesus you know!" And I now know, thanks to this forum, that she's quacking. She's had a lot of beer tonight, and it's not the right time for a serious discussion. I just said that the odds of her successful recovery are very slim.

I gave her the summer to enjoy the visit with her brother. I know she's trying hard to keep her sh*t together with him here. But, in my heart of hearts, I know that if she was serious about stopping drinking, she'd either stop now, or at least put some effort into investigating recovery programs, have something lined up for September, do something to show she's serious.

I'm terribly sad, and I wish like hell that I knew the answer to "why does an alcoholic drink when he/she knows what's to lose" and I'm at a total loss. We're losing everything we've worked so long and hard for. I'm losing complete respect for her, and she's setting herself up for the worst run of her life. I know if I leave her she'll head for the streets and the hardest time of drinking and drugs the human body can bear, and then some. And I cannot control it. I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, and I definitely cannot control it. Doesn't mean that I'm not sad. Very, very sad.

Years ago when I was an active alcoholic...
I considered my brain was satuarated with alcohol
and so....I continued to drink despite wanting to quit.

I have no scientific education...it was just a deep feeling.

In '89 I read a book...."Under The Influence" that convinced me
I had simplified something I knew nothing about...:)
I used that info...committed to God and AA....never drank again.

There is interesting research being done on the brain and addiction.
Here is an article you and your husband may have missed.

How We Get Addicted - TIME

When I said...'I don't know why I drink" I did not evade or lie.
Once I had that figured out...I did quit.

Blessings to both of you...:hug:

Why Don't They JUST QUIT? authors Joe Herzanek, David Hicks, and Tracey Lawrence

here is a book that may answer your question.

Wow, good question... maybe it would change the thoughts/concerns that maybe I am doing something to cause the drinking. His drinking almost feels like a slap in the face towards me. If I can be reassured that it is out of my control, or it isn't caused by anything I have done, then I think I will set free of all those "maybe if I do this or maybe if I do that" thoughts that haunt me. It is like, if I can help him... I want to help him. But, if there really isn't anything I can do, then I just have to live and let live.

I love my husband and I want this rollercoaster ride to be over. I guess it is just that one of the ways I cope with stressful situations is I try to learn all I can about whatever is causing me stress... so I can be equipped to deal with it to the best of my ability.

Karen

(((HUGS)))

I understand your sadness. I understand your concerns for her and I can see where you are coming from.

Thanks,
Karen

Thank you for the article. Your comment "Once I had that figured out... I did quit." Gives me hope for my husband.

I appreciate the response,
Karen

I can tell you why I drank.

The first drink was always a choice. The second and any subsequent, I had absolutely no control over.

Alcoholism is a disease of the body and an obsession of the mind. I have a body that can't drink, and I have a mind that can't leave it alone.

In making the decision whether or not to take the first drink, I was convinced that this time would be different. I would set all sorts of limits one way or another. The moment the alcohol was in my system, all the limits were out the window and forgotten.

I'm told that women who have children have some sort of brain chemistry thing (maybe it has to do with the hormones - something like that) where they forget the pain of childbirth. I guess this is how so many women want to have more kids after their first childbirth experience - which (reportedly) is one of the most painful experiences one can have.

Drinking is the same with me. I forget what the last one was like. And I'm not necessarily talking about a blackout or anything like that. I might recall all the events of the previous session. But my mind forgets.

Every time will be different. I was convinced that my lack of control was due to not trying hard enough. I tried a million different tactics. None of them worked.

It was only until I accepted that I have a bona-fide disease and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it (save not picking up that first drink), that things were able to change.

I guess he can't tell you why he drinks any more than I can tell you (or myself) why I eat myself into oblivion. Once I figure it out though, I'll no longer need to torture myself and I'll find something better and healthier to do with my time.

I think he just doesn't have the answer now. And he may never find the answer, despite all his efforts.

Wise words shared with me from former member of this forum:

"He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it."

We tend to take alcoholism personally, when in fact, it really has nothing to do with us at all.

And, of course, there are the three C's:

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

L

If he is an alcoholic he can not tell you why he drinks until he is able to admit to himself he is an alcoholic.

I am an alcoholic and I can tell you why I drank! I drank because I am an alcoholic!

I quit drinking almost 2 years ago..... why?

Because I was at the point where no one was willing to do anything to help me with anything!!!

I had reached the point where it was me and my bottle against the world!!!

Once no one was enabling me in any way I had a choice, stop drinking or die drinking!

Why can't many of us tell you why we're so obsessed with making our loved ones stop drinking?

It does no good, because they have to want it themselves. It kills us inside to be so wrapped up in them, but we won't stop. We want them to answer the question, "Why can't you want what I WANT you to want????" (this home, this way of living) We go through an enormous amount of mistreatment, disrespect, financial upheaval, and emotional torment, but many of us still won't step away.

If someone were to ask us why can't we let our alcoholic loved ones make their own choices, take care of ourselves, and set boundaries and stick to them, we say, "Well, I just can't." The equivalent of "I don't know," in many ways.

Alcoholism is sad business, to be sure. There are a lot of unanswerable questions. I wish you luck focusing on your own life and finding a way forward, regardless of the choices your husband makes for HIMSELF.

Hugs,
GL

" Don?t analyze the loved one's drinking or drug use. Don't try to figure it out or look for underlying causes. There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This "paralysis by analysis" is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself. " from The Counseling Center Blog

I truly thank each and everyone of you for your post. We are four years into this relationship. I have never been around alcoholics before. I come from a non-drinking family... so this is so out of my realm of understanding.

So basically what ya'll are saying is that there isn't anything I can do to help him? I have to let him fall flat on his face and wallow around in his discomfort until he decides that he doesn't like where he is at. This may sound bad, but I am so tired of this and so angry at him... that isn't going to be too much of a problem.

The biggest exception is that he is begging me not to leave him. He is telling me that without me his life has no meaning. He is always loving towards me, whether he is drunk or sober... and all in all we are very compatable. But, and this is a big BUT... his butt is in prison because he keeps drinking and driving. The state is through giving him chances.

So my question is... if I chose to stay with him through these next 4 years while he is in prison, then am I enabling him by sticking with him?

Am I going to have to walk away from him in order for him to hit rock bottom?

I have set boundaries and stood by them, even when it pissed him off.
(It was my phone call to his parole officer that initated the revocation process :( )
I have refused to feel sorry for him.
I only send enough money to the jail for him to buy paper, envelops and stamps.

But I love my husband, and I believe in honoring marriage vows. And in those vows I said for better or worse. I just don't think I could file for divorce and leave him.

But if I stay with him.... will he never get better? Do I have to leave, if I am what is keeping him from bottoming out?

This is so heartbreaking.

Karen