This weekend he wound up in restraints
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless 
I have contacted his physician and therapist. I apologize for seeking medical information. I am new to this so still lerarning. Again i apologize
What I was trying to say, and obviously did not say correctly, is that all we are able to give you is our personal experience. When it comes to medical issues SoberRecovery is not able to help. If anybody on SR _does_ give you medical advice it's only out of a desire to be helpful, and you should _only_ get medical advice from a doctor.
Am I making sense with that?
Mike
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Originally Posted by baileyboop
I believe this the same medication that they put my stbxah on while he was in a treatment center. he did take it for approx. 60 days after leaving treatment. I am pretty sure he did not drink during that time....But it was at least 4 months after he stopped taking the campral before he relapsed again.
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
No need to apologize. You did _exactly_ the right thing by asking for help.
What I was trying to say, and obviously did not say correctly, is that all we are able to give you is our personal experience. When it comes to medical issues SoberRecovery is not able to help. If anybody on SR _does_ give you medical advice it's only out of a desire to be helpful, and you should _only_ get medical advice from a doctor.
Am I making sense with that?
Mike
What I was trying to say, and obviously did not say correctly, is that all we are able to give you is our personal experience. When it comes to medical issues SoberRecovery is not able to help. If anybody on SR _does_ give you medical advice it's only out of a desire to be helpful, and you should _only_ get medical advice from a doctor.
Am I making sense with that?
Mike
This site is doing wonders for me since I joined. I feel as though I have a place in the world again that I am not all alone. For that i am thankful.
8
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Originally Posted by Seeking Wisdom
Your husband should NOT be taking Zoloft if he is drinking heavily. It has been associated with violent acts when taken with excessive amounts of alcohol.
My husband took Zoloft several years ago and started behaving strangely... and eventually verbally threatened to use a gun if I left with our kids- ... and then went to his office and started beating his head against a wall while screaming profanities and the police had to be called. He had never acted like that before - and later couldn't even remember the episode that had terrified everyone around him...including the police. He stopped taking Zoloft and the aggression disappeared. A few years later he tried taking another antidepressant and as soon as it started to build up in his system, he behaved more aggressively once again. He then switched to another antidepressant and calmed down, but within a few weeks he started to develop jaundice... fortunately it eventually went away when he stopped taking that antidepressant.
There was a case in 1998 of a famous comedian that was shot by his alcoholic wife who then committed suicide while taking Zoloft. Zoloft was implicated as a possible trigger to this event.
When an active alcoholic starts taking antidepressants, it could pose some very serious side effects...including increasing the effects of alcohol, making the depression worse, possible increase suicidal thoughts and aggressive behaviors. My husband never really felt any improvement from depression because of the medications .... only increased negative side effects. Alcohol and anti-depressants just don't mix and the manufacturers usually warn against taking them with excessive alcohol consumption.
My husband took Zoloft several years ago and started behaving strangely... and eventually verbally threatened to use a gun if I left with our kids- ... and then went to his office and started beating his head against a wall while screaming profanities and the police had to be called. He had never acted like that before - and later couldn't even remember the episode that had terrified everyone around him...including the police. He stopped taking Zoloft and the aggression disappeared. A few years later he tried taking another antidepressant and as soon as it started to build up in his system, he behaved more aggressively once again. He then switched to another antidepressant and calmed down, but within a few weeks he started to develop jaundice... fortunately it eventually went away when he stopped taking that antidepressant.
There was a case in 1998 of a famous comedian that was shot by his alcoholic wife who then committed suicide while taking Zoloft. Zoloft was implicated as a possible trigger to this event.
When an active alcoholic starts taking antidepressants, it could pose some very serious side effects...including increasing the effects of alcohol, making the depression worse, possible increase suicidal thoughts and aggressive behaviors. My husband never really felt any improvement from depression because of the medications .... only increased negative side effects. Alcohol and anti-depressants just don't mix and the manufacturers usually warn against taking them with excessive alcohol consumption.
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
In going through this thread one thing really stands out for me- so much is about him- what he's doing, what you think he hopes to do, how he is, what he did, what he's taking, how can it help him. . . IMHO the bigger question should be what can you do for YOU? You say your AH would not knowingly hurt you- he already has and will continue to do so if you let him.
I see that you like coming to this site- and you get the support you need. I also found so much support- once I opened up- from family, friends, a great counselor, al-anon. I'm concerned your focus is so much on him- I hope you can begin to focus on yourself. There is NOTHING you can do for your AH. He is an adult. He will do what he wants to do regardless of the effect on you. Can you understand that all the advice you get for him will not do him a lick of good? You are the only person you can help. (((Take care.)))
I see that you like coming to this site- and you get the support you need. I also found so much support- once I opened up- from family, friends, a great counselor, al-anon. I'm concerned your focus is so much on him- I hope you can begin to focus on yourself. There is NOTHING you can do for your AH. He is an adult. He will do what he wants to do regardless of the effect on you. Can you understand that all the advice you get for him will not do him a lick of good? You are the only person you can help. (((Take care.)))
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Originally Posted by Rella927
Welcome Sad glad you are here with us! A lot of great advice above....
This really caught my eye
This does not excuse his behavior and the abuse to you! I was pretty physically
abused from my XA and will tell you this that I would say the same thing as you did
in your post-Made up excuses left and right for him! He began to abuse my poor
animals as well throwing one into a wall-Pushing me into walls, doors, cars...grabbing
my wrists, bruises and hitting me with cars-pulling me down on the ground,
trapping me in a car at 130 mph...I cannot even begin to tell that it starts with
bruises and then turns into broken body parts which I will not get into!
Please make sure you keep yourself safe as it sounds as if it may escalate!
IMHO I would stop being so Concerned with his drinking and start putting the focus
on yourself!
I too live in NJ and know there are a lot of ways to get help for YOU-
Al-Anon maybe a good start-even if you just go to listen!
Keep safe!
This really caught my eye
This does not excuse his behavior and the abuse to you! I was pretty physically
abused from my XA and will tell you this that I would say the same thing as you did
in your post-Made up excuses left and right for him! He began to abuse my poor
animals as well throwing one into a wall-Pushing me into walls, doors, cars...grabbing
my wrists, bruises and hitting me with cars-pulling me down on the ground,
trapping me in a car at 130 mph...I cannot even begin to tell that it starts with
bruises and then turns into broken body parts which I will not get into!
Please make sure you keep yourself safe as it sounds as if it may escalate!
IMHO I would stop being so Concerned with his drinking and start putting the focus
on yourself!
I too live in NJ and know there are a lot of ways to get help for YOU-
Al-Anon maybe a good start-even if you just go to listen!
Keep safe!
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Originally Posted by baileyboop
I believe this the same medication that they put my stbxah on while he was in a treatment center. he did take it for approx. 60 days after leaving treatment. I am pretty sure he did not drink during that time....But it was at least 4 months after he stopped taking the campral before he relapsed again.
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
In my head I get that 110% - I totally understand he is the only one that can help himself. I am trying each and everyday to make it more about me and less about him, but I know it will take me a while. that is why I came to this site. i hope with each passing day it is more about me and less about him as i have all but forgotten who I am and who i was. I miss the person I used to be and I want that person back. That is my first goal and getting I feel may help him as well should he see I am no longer codependent. I just know it is going to take some time. For me it has always been easier said then done. I want my life back as well. I know I deserve that much. But he is my husband and I married him for better or worse and i really want to try to save my marriage
Strange, you say your FIRST goal is to help yourself??? - Yet all the posts you responded to were posts regarding HIM, even when you responded to Rella's post about possible abuse within your relationship, you spoke, not about YOU and YOUR issues but about HIM again.
Sounds like you are confused over what helping YOU means. You seem to only hear/read what doesn't ''rock your boat''. Getting your A sober may make life better for you, but that is not what we mean about concentrating on YOU!!!
Are you attending Al-anon? Here on F&F at SR, we are mostly concerned with how you are coping with things, how are you making positive steps for YOU? There are support groups out there for the A.
I admire your commitment to your marriage, it is comendable, but please don't make yourself a martyr to it!! Why don't you make a post that revolves around YOU and doesn't speak about HIM?
Hoping you find serenity and peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
In my head I get that 110% - I totally understand he is the only one that can help himself. I am trying each and everyday to make it more about me and less about him, but I know it will take me a while. that is why I came to this site. i hope with each passing day it is more about me and less about him as i have all but forgotten who I am and who i was. I miss the person I used to be and I want that person back. That is my first goal and getting I feel may help him as well should he see I am no longer codependent. I just know it is going to take some time. For me it has always been easier said then done. I want my life back as well. I know I deserve that much. But he is my husband and I married him for better or worse and i really want to try to save my marriage
I really wanted to save my marriage too. Unfortunately it's not meant to be. Through all of this I realize now that I also lost myself and am now trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself. Nothing I did or said could change my STBXAH. He has a mind of his own. He's chosen to wallow in his addiction, and I can no longer live with that. All I can do is take care of me and let him live his life the way he wants to. A hard lesson, but I know I'm going to be ok.
I'm so glad you're here- I learn a lot from your posts and hope you'll continue to share. Take care!
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My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Do you have some very supportive friends that you are confiding in? When my life partnership with my XAW/SO was ended in a traumatic way by her, I reached out to family, friends, and coworkers. Many people, even strangers, stepped forward to help me -- it was miraculous. Is there a reason you've been reluctant to share this with your family? It was not easy for me to reach out to others. I experienced a lot of shame about what happened. People who knew us and heard me express feeling shame immediately told me I had nothing to feel ashamed about. It was so helpful to hear that, and feel their support. Never, ever do you deserve to be assaulted or hurt by your husband.
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Originally Posted by Lilyflower
I hate to be the party popper on all this, but it seems like everyone is doing something to help except your AH.
It WILL NOT MATTER how much medication he takes, whether you force him to stay in your home, how much counselling he has, he will NOT stop drinking until HE WANTS TO.
Yeah ok, so he began drinking heavy when his dad died of alcoholism? So he began drinking to numb the pain, he is not drinking now because of any of that, now he is drinking because he is ADDICTED. He needs alcohol to make him feel ''normal'', but then he also wants the ''high'' he cannot control it and drinks more and more. This is what alcoholics do.
You cannot force sobriety on an alcoholic. They have got to WANT it, and if he is drinking 4-5 pints of vodka a week, I'm guessing he doesn't.
Stop taking on the responsibility of his problem, that is what is affecting your mood. You are making it YOUR responsibility to heal him, so when he is not drinking YOU feel a ''high'' because you feel you have done your job well, when he is drunk YOU feel a ''low'' because deep down you are making his drinking your responsibility when it IS NOT.
You say you know he wants a different life than this? Where exactly is that coming from.. you? because all you have typed is telling ME that what he wants is to keep drinking, despite the consequences he knows of which is death.
My exabf's mum died of alcoholism which threw my exabf into drinking heavily. As sad as it was for him, he KNEW that drinking heavily lead to death, he had seen it happen with his own eyes, and so had I. Yet he continued drinking. At some point, the excuses do no good. He has to take on the responsibilitiy of what he is doing FOR HIMSELF, you cannot do that for him.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It WILL NOT MATTER how much medication he takes, whether you force him to stay in your home, how much counselling he has, he will NOT stop drinking until HE WANTS TO.
Yeah ok, so he began drinking heavy when his dad died of alcoholism? So he began drinking to numb the pain, he is not drinking now because of any of that, now he is drinking because he is ADDICTED. He needs alcohol to make him feel ''normal'', but then he also wants the ''high'' he cannot control it and drinks more and more. This is what alcoholics do.
You cannot force sobriety on an alcoholic. They have got to WANT it, and if he is drinking 4-5 pints of vodka a week, I'm guessing he doesn't.
Stop taking on the responsibility of his problem, that is what is affecting your mood. You are making it YOUR responsibility to heal him, so when he is not drinking YOU feel a ''high'' because you feel you have done your job well, when he is drunk YOU feel a ''low'' because deep down you are making his drinking your responsibility when it IS NOT.
You say you know he wants a different life than this? Where exactly is that coming from.. you? because all you have typed is telling ME that what he wants is to keep drinking, despite the consequences he knows of which is death.
My exabf's mum died of alcoholism which threw my exabf into drinking heavily. As sad as it was for him, he KNEW that drinking heavily lead to death, he had seen it happen with his own eyes, and so had I. Yet he continued drinking. At some point, the excuses do no good. He has to take on the responsibilitiy of what he is doing FOR HIMSELF, you cannot do that for him.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He has his appointment today and as well and I am sure will tell her about everything that has happened. I know for fact that sober he is never and would never be violent. I am making an attempt to learn to live my life and he is learning to slowly deal with all his million issues that he has. All we can do is try. He is no saint and I will never claim that he is. EVER. I belive in recovery for ME and for ME we just both have to want it bad enough. I am still kind of new here so I am learning as I go along.
Will keep you posted and let you know should the violence ever happen again. I will call the police and will press charges and he knows that. For the most part he understands that I usually mean what I say. or at least I try to. I don't preach to him anymore about stopping. I am trying not to argue anymore. This is his thing and I have my co dependency issues to work on. I am working full time, spending time with friends and family - reglardless of the condition he is in. that is a choice I made and am forcing my self to stick to. I will slowly regain my life. Is it wrong to just hope he wants to as well. He has not been sober for 4 days in months!!! So this is a positive for me.
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Originally Posted by SailorKaren
My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Do you have some very supportive friends that you are confiding in? When my life partnership with my XAW/SO was ended in a traumatic way by her, I reached out to family, friends, and coworkers. Many people, even strangers, stepped forward to help me -- it was miraculous. Is there a reason you've been reluctant to share this with your family? It was not easy for me to reach out to others. I experienced a lot of shame about what happened. People who knew us and heard me express feeling shame immediately told me I had nothing to feel ashamed about. It was so helpful to hear that, and feel their support. Never, ever do you deserve to be assaulted or hurt by your husband.
It never happened like this before so i was shocked. My family is not even aware of the alcohlism that is going on. I hide it very well or at least try to. I am not ready for them to know. I feel a lot of shame. I came from a good home with good parents and did not see any of this no abuse of alcohlism in growing up. So it was all new to me. But not anymore. I know eventaully I have to tell them, I am just not ready yet. Some days I feel I have the courage the tell them so i don't have to deal with it on my own all the time and some days I am so embarrassed and ashamed I can't even look my self in the mirror. You are right no one should ever be abused mentally, verbally or physically by the man that is there to protect them or by anyone for that matter. It won't happen again I hope and if it does he is going straight to jail. that i am not afraid to do.
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
And I also understand where you are coming from. Believe me- taking the focus off him is very hard. But once you start realizing that you are doing it- focusing too much on him and not enough on yourself, I think you start to grow in more positive ways. One of the results of that can be that it impacts him positively as well. Now- I don't mean to say focus on yourself and he'll decide to be everything you wanted him to be- not at all. It's just that it will allow him to make his own decisions, mistakes and positive steps- while you do the same for yourself.
I really wanted to save my marriage too. Unfortunately it's not meant to be. Through all of this I realize now that I also lost myself and am now trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself. Nothing I did or said could change my STBXAH. He has a mind of his own. He's chosen to wallow in his addiction, and I can no longer live with that. All I can do is take care of me and let him live his life the way he wants to. A hard lesson, but I know I'm going to be ok.
I'm so glad you're here- I learn a lot from your posts and hope you'll continue to share. Take care!
I really wanted to save my marriage too. Unfortunately it's not meant to be. Through all of this I realize now that I also lost myself and am now trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself. Nothing I did or said could change my STBXAH. He has a mind of his own. He's chosen to wallow in his addiction, and I can no longer live with that. All I can do is take care of me and let him live his life the way he wants to. A hard lesson, but I know I'm going to be ok.
I'm so glad you're here- I learn a lot from your posts and hope you'll continue to share. Take care!
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Originally Posted by Lilyflower
:codiepolice
Strange, you say your FIRST goal is to help yourself??? - Yet all the posts you responded to were posts regarding HIM, even when you responded to Rella's post about possible abuse within your relationship, you spoke, not about YOU and YOUR issues but about HIM again.
Sounds like you are confused over what helping YOU means. You seem to only hear/read what doesn't ''rock your boat''. Getting your A sober may make life better for you, but that is not what we mean about concentrating on YOU!!!
Are you attending Al-anon? Here on F&F at SR, we are mostly concerned with how you are coping with things, how are you making positive steps for YOU? There are support groups out there for the A.
I admire your commitment to your marriage, it is comendable, but please don't make yourself a martyr to it!! Why don't you make a post that revolves around YOU and doesn't speak about HIM?
Hoping you find serenity and peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Strange, you say your FIRST goal is to help yourself??? - Yet all the posts you responded to were posts regarding HIM, even when you responded to Rella's post about possible abuse within your relationship, you spoke, not about YOU and YOUR issues but about HIM again.
Sounds like you are confused over what helping YOU means. You seem to only hear/read what doesn't ''rock your boat''. Getting your A sober may make life better for you, but that is not what we mean about concentrating on YOU!!!
Are you attending Al-anon? Here on F&F at SR, we are mostly concerned with how you are coping with things, how are you making positive steps for YOU? There are support groups out there for the A.
I admire your commitment to your marriage, it is comendable, but please don't make yourself a martyr to it!! Why don't you make a post that revolves around YOU and doesn't speak about HIM?
Hoping you find serenity and peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am trying but it has not been about me for so long that I have forgetten how to make it about me. Just give me some time I am hopping to make positive changes for me. I want to change, I just need help learning how to do that. I don't want to be a matry anymore. I have been for so long. I just need a little more time. I know the difference between right and wrong and what to do and what not to do is the actual doing it that is hard for me.
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless
How is he doing with the drinking now? Is he working a program or in recovery or is he still using?
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I really understand feeling ashamed -- I'm an expert at it! -- and it is soo OK to feel what you are feeling. You can take pride in all the many good things you are doing around this. I know you will find the right time to talk to your family, and you can take more pride in that when you do. Blessings to you,
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Reach out to your family SadandHopeless, there is nothing for you to feel ashamed of at all!! They probably know you are going through something, mine did.
This is his disease, all you have done is try to get your life back together, why should you feel badly about that?
I understand it is hard, making changes is never easy. I know from my experience and from what I have learnt in recovery so far that looking to myself and caring for myself first and foremost is the healthy thing to do. At first I thought it was selfish behaviour, but I soon realised that no one else out there was loking out for me, and to be honest, it wasn't their job to. I am an adult.
I used this realisation toward my ex, he was an adult and needed to take responsibility for himself. It wasn't my job to find him a AA group, or make sure he attended counselling. It wasn't my job to teach him how to take responsibilities either! It especially wasn't my job to get him sober.
All the time I spent doing those things for him, took me to a very low place where I was so miserable and felt exhausted, used lonely and unloved. i took his consequences away and enabled him.
i hope you talk to your family and keep progressing in YOUR recovery. Now that your AH has his tablets and is detoxing, he needs to take responsibility for his sobriety, that is not your job. I hope he gets into a recovery programme though as few make it without one. My exabf quit for weeks at a time, but always went back to it. Something would happen, go wrong, a party, a birthday, sometimes nothing at all would happen. he would always find a reason to drink again. I spent a year living on that roller coaster ride, before I finally knew I was done with it.
love and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is his disease, all you have done is try to get your life back together, why should you feel badly about that?
I understand it is hard, making changes is never easy. I know from my experience and from what I have learnt in recovery so far that looking to myself and caring for myself first and foremost is the healthy thing to do. At first I thought it was selfish behaviour, but I soon realised that no one else out there was loking out for me, and to be honest, it wasn't their job to. I am an adult.
I used this realisation toward my ex, he was an adult and needed to take responsibility for himself. It wasn't my job to find him a AA group, or make sure he attended counselling. It wasn't my job to teach him how to take responsibilities either! It especially wasn't my job to get him sober.
All the time I spent doing those things for him, took me to a very low place where I was so miserable and felt exhausted, used lonely and unloved. i took his consequences away and enabled him.
i hope you talk to your family and keep progressing in YOUR recovery. Now that your AH has his tablets and is detoxing, he needs to take responsibility for his sobriety, that is not your job. I hope he gets into a recovery programme though as few make it without one. My exabf quit for weeks at a time, but always went back to it. Something would happen, go wrong, a party, a birthday, sometimes nothing at all would happen. he would always find a reason to drink again. I spent a year living on that roller coaster ride, before I finally knew I was done with it.
love and serenity to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Originally Posted by respektingme
My AH was prescribed Campral and Naltrexone. Taken together they have proven pretty good results. The biggest problem is compliance. My AH has to take them 3 times through the day. And when he wants to drink, he just doesn't take them. The Naltrexone now comes in an injectable, which is what I was hoping my AH would go get.
But, unfortunately, he confided in his sponsor that he was seeing a shrink (professional abuse doctor with a PhD) and his sponsor told him that was all bunk and that the only thing that will work is to quit cold turkey.
I do agree with his sponsor in that the meds won't work if he doesn't want to quit, and I'm convinced my AH does not want to quit. So, he's probably right. But it's just to easy to stop taking the pills. If my AH was interested in helping sustain through the temptations, I"d like for him to try the injectable, but now it's very doubtful that he will based on what his sponsor has told him.
But, unfortunately, he confided in his sponsor that he was seeing a shrink (professional abuse doctor with a PhD) and his sponsor told him that was all bunk and that the only thing that will work is to quit cold turkey.
I do agree with his sponsor in that the meds won't work if he doesn't want to quit, and I'm convinced my AH does not want to quit. So, he's probably right. But it's just to easy to stop taking the pills. If my AH was interested in helping sustain through the temptations, I"d like for him to try the injectable, but now it's very doubtful that he will based on what his sponsor has told him.
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Originally Posted by SailorKaren
I really understand feeling ashamed -- I'm an expert at it! -- and it is soo OK to feel what you are feeling. You can take pride in all the many good things you are doing around this. I know you will find the right time to talk to your family, and you can take more pride in that when you do. Blessings to you,
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