Shivaya

LaTeeDa, the above really made me sad....I feel that my ah and I are at this point, we are to start marriage counseling soon...only time will tell...

Shivaya

mallowcup

It seems like you are facing lots of unfamiliar new changes. You are walking it out and its scarey. By calling him it brings it back to him, it makes it about him not you. At least its familiar that way. He'll either support you and that will feel good however shortlived or he'll blow you off, put you down and make you feel scared and nervous which will give you that extra kicker of courage to prove him wrong. Good, bad or ugly, we can turn what ever they give us into what we need.
It is normal to be scared. I think most change is for the better. You are probably on the threshold of something wonderful. You are taking those steps into a life that is not familiar to him. It is truly a new life and you are realizing he is not in it. From here on out, it will all be unfamiliar to him.

peaceteach

I like that, Mallowcup. It is true--the things that you experience from here on out don't include him and he will not know about. Good. That makes it all-about-you from this day forward, creating new memories, healthy, good ones that don't include a negative alcoholic film all over them. I hope you make them great ones, NYC Chick. I'm totally rooting for you!

DESIGNER

NYC chick....How are you feeling. I hope that you were able to do something nice for yourself. You are doing so well...you just hit a rough spot today....but hopefully tommorrow will be better for you.

Just keep on moving forward and so will I. I know what you must be feeling right now....such pain....I am there right along with you but if you don't give up and give in then neither will I. We have come to far(new jobs and such) that we can't go back now.

I know that you yearn to talk with him. I deal with this all day long but just remember the bad times and how they made you feel. I think that my bad times right now are by far more bearable then what I was feeling a few months ago. A few months ago I did not know how to get out and move forward...now I am out and moving forward and it feels great.

Sunnier days are coming for me and you both.....hang in there....you're not alone.

Freedom1990

Wow, could I ever relate to searching for some sort of closure. When I walked away from the abusive addict/alkie hubby, there was no formal 'goodbye' or any sort of anticipated ritual, for lack of a better word.

I kept hoping for some magic moment that closure had arrived.

Instead, over the years, and with me not really even realizing it, I was getting closure in tiny increments.

Last year when my mom sent me his obituary, I broke down and cried. That was the final closure, and so sad to me because I had found recovery, but he never ever did.

It was then that I realized I had turned him over to God at some point in my life, and even though I had occasional thoughts of him over the years, it was more along the lines of wondering if he was 'okay', and then the thought passed.

NYC_Chick

I think this has a lot to do with it as well. I'm taking steps to better my life and my career and every step I take is further away from him. He knew what I did before on a daily basis, but this new job is far more involved and actually much closer to what I have been working toward. He won't even know the side of me that does this. It's so sad to me.

LTD: I can relate to this completely. He was my best friend. Even if I didn't get what I needed out of him much of the time, he was the first person I would call if something good or bad happened. When I got my job offer, he was still, after all this time, the first person I wanted to call. I didn't and now 3 weeks later he doesn't even know that I left my firm and I am heading to another.

I'm not sure how much better I am doing now. I went this afternoon for the massage and was able to block him out for a few minutes. When I realized I blocked him out, it was nice, but another reminder of him slipping away out of my life.

After the massage, I went to therapy and cried my eyes out and did more on the train (clearly I have no shame in public crying. Besides, it's NY and you can get away with public outbursts, thank God). So my therapist and I reviewed everything I had done to make the relationship work. I stayed and stayed more even after learning I had been lied to for 3 years. When she verbalized the list, it made it even more clear to me that there was nothing else I could have done. Of course, I made my fair share of mistakes, but I tried to correct them and even that didn't work. I think I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm going to try really hard tomorrow to just take a deep breath and turn him and this relationship over to God.

On a lighter note CONGRATS Rosie and Designer I pray we are all successful in our new roles!!!

bigredme

Toughchoices post was dead on the money. i wish you serenity (lots) and good luck with the new position!

DESIGNER

Gosh every thought your thinking right now is the same as mine. I think that that is why I got so upset the other day. I was so preoccupied with everything around me that I realized that I had not thought about him almost all day. He didn't know about my new job and yet all my coworkers did. It felt weird and strange and I got to wondering about what may be new in his life that I don't know about. Its just hard after so many yrs of knowing every little thing to all of a sudden knowing absolutely nothing.

mallowcup

Even the things that are warped have a sense of "normal". At a time like this, we realize that it is what is familiar to us as a couple, like relatives, holidays, friends, neighbors create the bubble we have lived in with them. New life choices forces us to walk in a different direction and its scarey to see so much of it in the rear view mirror.
Good healthy things are happening and we hadn't aniticpated how much we wouldnt bring along with us. It is very scarey and very amancipating as well. As he doesnt know these new people, they dont know him either. It is scarey to be an individual because for so long we have been associated with the alcoholics in our lives.
I was so pleasantly suprised that people liked me, they didn't even mention my fat butt or any of the things my ex used to keep me insecure.
I was reminded like a fresh wind that people are friendly and nice, they are sober and ambitious. They liked me, they invited me to things. Thats when those 2am monotone depressed phone calls became something I wanted to avoid. He became an embarrassment.
It is also when I realized how far I had come and he was still picking up on old coversations as if they happened last night. It will get better and better.

NYC_Chick

I've been thinking a lot this morning about all of this. I think I've been able to figure a couple of more things out.

I want him to love me more than he loves alcohol. I want him to come tell me that I am more important than a substance. I know I am, but it hurts to know that he doesn't think I am. I want him to be sober so he can know every detail of my life again. I don't want him to be a stranger to my new world. I want to take him with me. I want to call my best friend and tell him I'm scared and nervous. I want him to hug me and tell me nothing else matters to him but me.

I know I have no control over his choices. I know that I am powerless over his disease. I just wish I wasn't.

I think I have been resistant to giving this over to God because I am scared that if I finally hand it over God will surly take him away from me forever. I think now I have no choice but to surrender completely to that and let the chips fall where they may. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone I have been with, but the ball is in his court and I have to accept (again) that he will likely pick alcohol.

LaTeeDa

Here is something special from the archives for you NYC.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

L

NYC_Chick

LTD: WOW! I don't even know what to say except thank you! You always get my eyes going, but in a good way : ) I appreciate that!

DESIGNER

Wow LaTeeDa....that is a great post about the bridge. I think that would make a great stickey at the top of the page. thank you.

NYC_Chick

I second the sticky! Do we need to ask someone to do that?

DesertEyes

Just PM a Mod to do it. I went ahead and stickied it at the end of "Classic Reading."

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Mike

carolineb

NYC girlfriend~

Oh......can I relate. I too have thought all of the thoughts that you typed above. It is so hard. It seems such a logical choice.

I am here to tell you, that based on what you have said about xabf....if you are feeling this about him, he undoubtedly felt it about you too. I am sure you were soooo loved by him.

You are speaking from a non-addicted persons point of view. It's NOT that he chooses alcohol over you.....he doesn't have a choice. The alcohol is choosing HIM. It's so hard to fathom that if you truly loved someone, you would give up a substance in order to be with that person. But....the difference between you and him is that he is sick. He has an addiction. The addiction has him. I'm sure he would choose you - he just can't.

Keep moving forward. I am struggling too. Day at a time. Put in it your hp's hands.

lexusgirl

Thanks for this caroline...I needed to hear this today...

lexusgirl

sorry post on wrong post again