NYC_Chick

My last day at my firm was yesterday and I start my new job on Monday. I'm freaking out. On top of that, I can't get my xabf out of my head. I'm having one of those "I'll feel better if I contact him" days. I know that is not true, but I can't seem to shake it. I also don't know why I would start now. I haven't initiated contact with him in a very long time. I think part of it is because he texted on Monday with a nasty tone and his birthday is Saturday.

I guess all I can think about right now is what his tone in his last email was, which makes me think he's doing great, despite the fact that he claims he's not. Then that makes me feel like I am a wreck. Maybe I'm just feeding into that.

I'm not sure if it's just life changes coming at me rapidly or what it is. I'm just miserable and filled with anxiety today.

Thanks for reading.

nowinsituation

Hey NYC - I wonder if you miss sharing those big life changes with someone special. He was your "someone special" for a long time. You are not a wreck!! I feel the same way a lot of the time, I just miss having someone there to talk to. Sounds like you have extra time to think about it all right now if you are not working this week. Change your scenery -- go for a walk, shopping, or something. You will be less miserable and anxious.

Angelus

You won't feel better if you contact him. It's normal to gravitate to the familiar in moments of stress and doubt, but when the familiar is pain and chaos and hurt, then don't. Run the other way. Call everyone except him. Fill your day with meaningful things you enjoy and let the urge pass.

good_luck

I've found that whenever I'm stressed about other things, I tend to freak out about my ex. The best I can figure is that I was so used to stressing about him that my brain just kind of automatically goes there when it's in that state.

It still happens, but now that I am aware of it, it is easier to see the process a little more objectively and not act on the feelings. If I just wait them out, and deal with the ACTUAL source of stress, they eventually kind of fade out.

NYC_Chick

NoWin: It took me a long time to find this job and he was with me for a better part of it. I guess that's hard because I would have loved to call him and tell him about it, but can't. I'm also sure that if I did share this with him it would turn into how everyone else in life gets what they want except for him. I think today I just wish he was sober and could come give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be ok.

Angelus: I'm waiting for it to get late enough in AZ so I can call my friends. GOD this is hard today.

On the change of scenery note, I'm going to get a massage this afternoon, then on to therapy from there. The massage was a gift to him last b-day that he forgot about, so I'm using the credit myself. I'll try not to think about it during and hop I can relax. If not, I can go and cry my eyes our in therapy.

NYC_Chick

WOW! Thanks! This makes sense to me. I worried about him all the time to the point where most, if not all, of my anxiety was connected to him. I would start to panic when the phone rang on a daily basis. Without worrying about his life, I really have to worry about my own and what is going on in it. Since I don't want to do that, maybe he's just creeping up.

Pajarito

A massage and a good cry sound great. Then I'd take a nap, have a great dinner, and dessert- chocolate, and a good book. Keep taking care of yourself NYC. You're doing great! It's normal to feel that pull, but when you do think about what you can do for you.

ToughChoices

Maybe he is doing great.
Let's just imagine that for a second.... what might it look like?

He's keeping himself to "two drinks" with friends - not using alcohol to cope with life's troubles.
He's enjoying his work.
He's going to counseling.
He's learning about himself.

That does sound great - Wait!!!
That sounds like what you're doing!

If he's doing it, too, then more power to him, but I find it unlikely.

Cut yourself some slack, NYC. This is a stressful time, and it's hard not feel like a mess when everything starts changing.

You are not wreck - I'm proud of you.
Have a good one.
-TC

angelfromheaven

Hey there,
Not knowing what's happening makes one always anxious and in need of someone to share - The trick is just to find the right person and not use this as "Excuse" to call him.

You will have so much to do and I am sure all the new things will make you forget him anyhow much quicker.

Perhaps you could use the transition days to write down things, feelings, successes etc. about your Old job, and then what you want to achieve with your new Work. It somehow may help you to close a chapter of your life and open another.

All the best for Monday and your new job!!!!

lexusgirl

Sometimes when I am going through a lot of unknown changes and I am dealing with a lot of fear, I tend to want to gravitate more towards my xabf. I want to call him and hope that he will comfort me like he once did. But when playing the tape all the way through, I know it will just end up with him asking me a lot of questions that don't even relate to what I am dealing with at the time.

Play the tape all the way through...pretend if you were to call him what do you think he'd say? Would he comfort you or want to know about your new job? I'm thinking not. Then you'd be only more hurt and disappointed as he didn't meet that need for you.

I want to believe after awhile with no contact with xabf, maybe he has changed, why don't I call him to find out. In the end it's always always the same. They haven't changed, if anything they are only worse off then when we left them.

Awesome that your getting a massage today! I had that on my to do list to make an appt for one. They are so relaxing and really do help your mind and body feel better!

Hang in there girl, you're making progress whether you know it or not!

DESIGNER

Hey NYC CHICK....Ok so you are in the same situation that I am in. I am starting a really good job and there is a lot of other exciting things happening right now and I want to share it with the ex soooo bad. That is what I am used to. So did you read my post about WHY I LOVED SOBERRECOVERY.com?
I was feeling sad yesterday also. Remember this will pass. Today I am feeling a lot better. I know it is hard....believe me....but remember the crap that you went through with him. I don't want to ever go through something like that again. I keep on thinking about some of the bad times and I cringe b/c now I see how not normal it is. Just hang in there.

DESIGNER

Yep know exactly how you feel. I think that we all wished that this would happen. I actually have gotten to the point where I will be sitting on the couch and feeling sad and I imagine him walking through the door and saying Hey I love you so much and I am going to seek the help I need so that we can be together again. WOW what a feeling and then I remember that it is not real. He is not there at the door and may never be at my door ever again. Hard pill to swallow for sure and it is sad but I have to accept that that is the way it is. Over time these feelings will go away and I hope that eventually one day i will find someone new that I can share my life with.

warrens

NYC

This may not be a reply you wish to hear. I simply throw it out as a possibility. Feel free to reject it.

You are obviously a very selective woman. You have great talents and you know it. So, in a moment of insanity, did you happen upon a worthless man? Were you that deceived? I think not. That MAY be part of an existential issue that you need to resolve. You most likely fell in love with a wonderful man. A Porsche. But somewhere along the line he developed a a bad cylinder. Not of your doing. Sitting at the curb, he is still a Porsche. That's what you see. But there is something critically wrong. That cylinder evades repair. He's tried, you've tried. You know what it is like to drive that car when it performed and it is hard to get rid of that memory. You hope that one day you will turn the key and the magic might return.

Closure is a very misused and overused term. But sometimes it is valid. It is easy to get rid of a beater. But a Porsche? Not so easy. You know what it could be. If only the right mechanic appeared. So it sits in your emotional garage. Gorgeous, but flawed. Can it be fixed? In the garage you will never know. It may be time to work on it or let it go. Your upcoming trip demands good wheels, NYC.

My analogy may be silly. I apologize if it is. If decisions were easy and cut and dried, we'd have no need for courts and attorneys. In this case you are plaintiff, defendant, attorney, jury, and judge. A formidable task. But court is in session and it justifies your anxiety. You have many amicus briefs to sort through. The verdict however, will be yours alone.

Best to you,

warren

NYC_Chick

Thank you all so much! This really helps!

Ok, so I'm going to play the tape all the way through...

I reach out to him (we haven't spoken since January, so I guess I would email or text)
He would respond "I'm happy about your new job" then "I don't understand why you are doing this to me. I am not an alcoholic and I can control my drinking. I'm miserable and upset without you." Not getting the response he wants, he would then say "It hurts me to know that I may never see you again."

One of the reasons I know this is how the tape would play through is because I remember once being very stressed out about not getting a job I really wanted. I went to his house, put on some of his clothes, and started to cry and tell him how upset I was. The shirt I was wearing was of one of the jazz bands he formed that was doing really well, then fell apart for several reasons. Anyway, he looked at the shirt said it brought back bad memories and that was upsetting. He then went into a deep funk. I said I couldn't believe he was unable to focus on one of my problems for even an hour. He said nothing. I went and changed into a different shirt and spent the rest of the night trying to make him feel better.

Reality is so difficult to face.

It's funny, I still do want to see the Porsche he was when I met him. God that was a long time ago. What is hard about that is not only is there a few spark plugs burned out, but the transmission is busted and the axel is bent. I can't fix it, but I still want to keep it even though the storage fees are enormous.

I don't know how to get closure with him. Some days I feel like I can get it on my own. Other days I feel like I want to see him one last time and say goodbye. I think the later would be worse, but I'm not sure how to keep moving forward on my own. I guess this is why he keeps coming up.

Shivaya

NYC Chickadee!! I would not contact someone who was "nasty" to me, via text msg. or otherwise.....I know you are strong enough not to put yourself in this situation....

Congratulations on the new job! Good things are coming to you!

I'm sure you have great friends and family.....why not call one of them when you get the urge to call exabf?

I wish you sunshine and happiness throughout the rest of your day!


:HONYnewyear025firew

Shivaya

lexusgirl

I too feel this way. I have good and bad days. But you are moving forward on your own. Everyday that you go to work you're moving forward on your own, getting your new job, you did that on your own.

It's a grieving process, and you will work through it in your own time. Nowhere is it written that you must get over him in your mind immediately or today. There seems to be a sense of urgency to get over him quickly, but it will slowly happen over time. Each day you are without him and moving forward with your life is making progress. It may not be easy and I know each day can bring more sadness without them, but as we move on without them we begin to add new things to our lives, and I think we do become stronger without them.

Be gentle with yourself...I don't think you give yourself enough credit, as you're truly a strong person. You deserve SO much better and someday I have no doubt you will find it.

For me praying helps a lot. :ghug3

NYC_Chick

Shivaya: You always make me laugh with "Chickadee"

LaTeeDa

I remember a few months after I decided to proceed with divorce I was garage-saling and came across something that, to me, was a great find. It was something my ex would have also appreciated just as much as I did. No one else I knew would have had the same appreciation for that silly item that he and I did. I wanted so badly to call and share with him.

I remember feeling at that moment that I had lost my best friend. And it was true. In our 20 years together, we were just that--best friends. We both did things that eventually damaged that friendship to the point that it could not be repaired, but that didn't mean it never was. I cried so hard that day. And this was after being separated from him for more than a year. Grieving doesn't have a time limit.

If our relationships with A's were all 100% bad with no good, it would be much easier. The good is what keeps us involved, sometimes beyond the point that is healthy for us. It's sad that we have to give up the goods parts because the bad parts get to be so bad. But it doesn't mean the goods parts never existed. I can look back now and appreciate the good, and be at peace with knowing I did the right thing. It took a long time and many tears to get to this place, though. And still, I sometimes cry. It's okay to mourn the losses, it honors them.

L

RosieM

Hey, guys, I'm starting a new job a week from Monday, too! Only it's my old job from three years ago but I'm so excited they want me back! Just quit the one I've had for a couple of years to get ready to head on out of here.

I'm different from you all in that I still have my stbxah living with me - in the basement, but still around - so I get to not just play the tape all the way through, but live it all the way through, and it doesn't turn out the way you fantasize. He's still weird and distant and doesn't react the way you would expect a loving person or even a living person would react.

It's like living with a tree. To his friends he's all upset that I'm leaving and asking for people to give him their shifts so he doesn't have to see me leave - but to me, distant, non-communicative, self centered as ever.

Ladies, we are truly walking into a new life. Someday this will all seem far, far away.

hbb

I had these days many a day! But you know what, after an hour or two i was ALWAYS glad i DIDN'T contact him. Sometimes we go with our heart too quickly and the brain catches up when it's too late.

You will have those moments, let them pass. Believe me, my ex and i broke up in July and never spoke a single word and i think it's really helped and saved my sanity! As they say, this too shall pass

I did the playing the tape all the way through only after i only would play half of it for so many months!! What if the conversation ended with "I'm happy about your new job" and nothing else. Would that make you feel better that you contacted him? That was always my fear, that i would get up the gonads to contact my exabf and then hang up totally regretting making contact because it didn't go the way i planned in my head! Just a thought that i remembered after my original post lol.