Parts of one of his letters
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Parts of one of his letters
I have just stumbled and now I will stay on my feet and I feel so strongly about this recovery, this time I don't think recovery happens overnight for anyone do you but I do feel its my turn now as I've waited long enough I feel that God has blessed me in many ways many times you and kids. Now I'm needing his hellp for my addiction.
I do believe God is really with me and tellilg me something and when I get out I will continue to recover with you and I swear, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for the pain I have caused you from the start all I can do is ask for your forgiveness I know you don't have to forgive me, but I at least asked that's what God says to do, right.
I know I have you and the kids in my life as God has blessed me with you guys. We will make it I promise I feel it more than ever. I want to thank you more than ever for not giving up on me it shows me a lot your a very strong and loving person I think that is a lot of what I fell in love with.
I feel as if God has called upon me not to preach but to change my life and follow his word and I want to very much and will. I really feel he is in my life and he has called on me to. I know he will help me with t his and save my relationship with you. I know I do believe.
Those were just different parts but he seems to affected and touched by God. I don't know I can't tell if he means it or not.
I do believe God is really with me and tellilg me something and when I get out I will continue to recover with you and I swear, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for the pain I have caused you from the start all I can do is ask for your forgiveness I know you don't have to forgive me, but I at least asked that's what God says to do, right.
I know I have you and the kids in my life as God has blessed me with you guys. We will make it I promise I feel it more than ever. I want to thank you more than ever for not giving up on me it shows me a lot your a very strong and loving person I think that is a lot of what I fell in love with.
I feel as if God has called upon me not to preach but to change my life and follow his word and I want to very much and will. I really feel he is in my life and he has called on me to. I know he will help me with t his and save my relationship with you. I know I do believe.
Those were just different parts but he seems to affected and touched by God. I don't know I can't tell if he means it or not.
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You can never tell if words are true until the actions match. Allow him to prove that he means it through action. What's the hurry to take him in to your home? Why do you not want to wait and see if what he says is true? What are you afraid of?
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I got a very similar letter from my xabf about how God has healed him and made him see the wrongness in what he had done. Then, when I don't respond to him the way he wants me to, he forgets God and starts treating my badly again. I think when my xabf wrote things like this he meant them, then he realized I don't forget so quickly and it was back to the same old thing.
My ex also told me that he prayed to God to take away his addiction, which God did, and now he can drink socially, but just 2 drinks out with friends, never alcohol in the house, and never drink alone. I'm not saying your xabf will do that, but just be prepared.
My ex also told me that he prayed to God to take away his addiction, which God did, and now he can drink socially, but just 2 drinks out with friends, never alcohol in the house, and never drink alone. I'm not saying your xabf will do that, but just be prepared.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
It looks like a good sincere start when he wrote it. It looks like God is his higher power but unsure if he is relating that to a 12 step program.
Hopefully he will put certain positive changes into his life - a plan when released as Denny puts it. That will be essential to maintaining sobriety. I am assuming AA since he mentioned God removing his desire to drink, a key step. See if he is working the other steps, does he accept that he cannot drink (that would actually come before asking God to remove his desire to drink), does he have a sponsor etc.
We alcoholics will also never be able to drink just 2 etc.. as NYC mentioned. That is usually an indication of someone who needs to go out and do a little more "research" in their life to prove whether or not they are alcoholic. I ended up in the hospital to detox last time I did that hence the "ism" in alcoholism - "incredibly short memory".
The Big Book does mention what we try to become normal drinkers such as only drinking with friends, never in the house, only 2. If he succeeds in doing so then more power to him, he is a stronger person than I am and has done something that I cannot do. I have to surrender to alcohol.
Either way it sounds hopeful that he realizes recovery is a process and not a switch that you can just turn on. But I agree with the others - see what he intends to keep his sobriety, that will be the true test.
Hopefully he will put certain positive changes into his life - a plan when released as Denny puts it. That will be essential to maintaining sobriety. I am assuming AA since he mentioned God removing his desire to drink, a key step. See if he is working the other steps, does he accept that he cannot drink (that would actually come before asking God to remove his desire to drink), does he have a sponsor etc.
We alcoholics will also never be able to drink just 2 etc.. as NYC mentioned. That is usually an indication of someone who needs to go out and do a little more "research" in their life to prove whether or not they are alcoholic. I ended up in the hospital to detox last time I did that hence the "ism" in alcoholism - "incredibly short memory".
The Big Book does mention what we try to become normal drinkers such as only drinking with friends, never in the house, only 2. If he succeeds in doing so then more power to him, he is a stronger person than I am and has done something that I cannot do. I have to surrender to alcohol.
Either way it sounds hopeful that he realizes recovery is a process and not a switch that you can just turn on. But I agree with the others - see what he intends to keep his sobriety, that will be the true test.
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
What's the hurry to take him in to your home? Why do you not want to wait and see if what he says is true? What are you afraid of?
He says he has a plan to attend 3 AA meetings a week, plus Church, plus Celebrate Recovery. He says that he knows he can't handle one or two now, and that he should have listened to me before when I said that. He said he is going to ask this old guy that does the AA meetings in jail to be his sponsor, but they told him it is better to have 2 sponsors.
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Location: California
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
I'm afraid if I say to him that I want him to stay elsewhere, even for a month, that he won't be ok with that, and that he will stay at his mom's and start drinking again right away..
Get some starch in your spine woman!!! C'mon.....I don't mean to be so harsh, but you need to step back for a moment and listen to yourself.
What is it that you're willing to accept from this man? Is nothing enough for you? And if so, why?
What you DO speaks so loudly, I cannot hear a word you are saying.
Love yourself first.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I'm afraid if I say to him that I want him to stay elsewhere, even for a month, that he won't be ok with that, and that he will stay at his mom's and start drinking again right away.
Good luck with whatever you decide ((( )))
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Are we reading the same letter? I don't see a person who's been "touched by God." I see one person who will stop at nothing to manipulate others and another person who's having difficulty seeing reality.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I'm afraid if I say to him that I want him to stay elsewhere, even for a month, that he won't be ok with that, and that he will stay at his mom's and start drinking again right away.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
In the past (long before I knew anything real about this disease), I thought I could control everything -- or anything -- if I just found the right answer to a given situation. I now understand that is my way of avoiding my own feelings of fear, abandonment, disappointment -- which are HUGE. But avoiding my own feelings does not bring me any closer to reality. It fuses me to dysfunction.
Focusing on HIM is an easy way to NOT focus on YOU.
Working steps in Al-anon is the only thing that every truly made things clearer to me -- about myself, I mean.
Your children have NO SAY. They are at your mercy.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I have just stumbled and now I will stay on my feet and I feel so strongly about this recovery, this time I don't think recovery happens overnight for anyone do you but I do feel its my turn now as I've waited long enough I feel that God has blessed me in many ways many times you and kids. Now I'm needing his hellp for my addiction.
I do believe God is really with me and tellilg me something and when I get out I will continue to recover with you and I swear, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for the pain I have caused you from the start all I can do is ask for your forgiveness I know you don't have to forgive me, but I at least asked that's what God says to do, right.
I know I have you and the kids in my life as God has blessed me with you guys. We will make it I promise I feel it more than ever. I want to thank you more than ever for not giving up on me it shows me a lot your a very strong and loving person I think that is a lot of what I fell in love with.
I feel as if God has called upon me not to preach but to change my life and follow his word and I want to very much and will. I really feel he is in my life and he has called on me to. I know he will help me with t his and save my relationship with you. I know I do believe.
Those were just different parts but he seems to affected and touched by God. I don't know I can't tell if he means it or not.
I do believe God is really with me and tellilg me something and when I get out I will continue to recover with you and I swear, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for the pain I have caused you from the start all I can do is ask for your forgiveness I know you don't have to forgive me, but I at least asked that's what God says to do, right.
I know I have you and the kids in my life as God has blessed me with you guys. We will make it I promise I feel it more than ever. I want to thank you more than ever for not giving up on me it shows me a lot your a very strong and loving person I think that is a lot of what I fell in love with.
I feel as if God has called upon me not to preach but to change my life and follow his word and I want to very much and will. I really feel he is in my life and he has called on me to. I know he will help me with t his and save my relationship with you. I know I do believe.
Those were just different parts but he seems to affected and touched by God. I don't know I can't tell if he means it or not.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
In the past (long before I knew anything real about this disease), I thought I could control everything -- or anything -- if I just found the right answer to a given situation. I now understand that is my way of avoiding my own feelings of fear, abandonment, disappointment -- which are HUGE. But avoiding my own feelings does not bring me any closer to reality. It fuses me to dysfunction.
Focusing on HIM is an easy way to NOT focus on YOU.
Working steps in Al-anon is the only thing that every truly made things clearer to me -- about myself, I mean.
Focusing on HIM is an easy way to NOT focus on YOU.
Working steps in Al-anon is the only thing that every truly made things clearer to me -- about myself, I mean.
Well I did attend my first Al-anon meeting, however it was just me and the lady that does these meetings there, and she wasn't going to be back until next Monday. I guess I need to learn more about the steps and try to work them. I was journalizing as a way of trying to do my "moral inventory" and dig deeper inside of myself and my childhood issues. I am trying, some days are better than others.
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
sailorjohn,
I understand about actions matching words. And it SEEMS that he has finally gotten past denial.....he told me that the alcohol had so much power over him. He says there is no way for me to understand, but he has NEVER admitted that to me, ever. (about the alcohol controlling him)
I understand about actions matching words. And it SEEMS that he has finally gotten past denial.....he told me that the alcohol had so much power over him. He says there is no way for me to understand, but he has NEVER admitted that to me, ever. (about the alcohol controlling him)
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Until he gets out of jail, he can't show you and actions/lack of actions that he has changed. He can't drink while in jail. It won't be until he gets out that he really has to make affirmative choice not to drink.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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And it SEEMS that he has finally gotten past denial.....he told me that the alcohol had so much power over him. He says there is no way for me to understand, but he has NEVER admitted that to me, ever. (about the alcohol controlling him)
He may 'think' he has found a Higher Power. He may 'think" he has it under control, however, there should be NO hurry on your part to let him return to the home. This is just his very first teeny little baby step and he has a LONG WAY to go.
See what he does about his own recovery (actions) what type of help is he getting (other than you, for you CANNOT HELP him), is he willing to get into a sober living house? Is he going to a therapist? Is he going to AA and has a sponsor? Just exactly what his actions will be when he gets out and then maybe just maybe you might be able to make some kind of decision.
In the meantime, please, please, go to Alanon. Work on you and your addiction to him.
I know you are confused. Please take this time for you. Attend alanon, get a sponsor, learn about YOU and what YOU want in your life. Learn how to set the boundaries YOU want.
Based on what he said, decision making is a long long way away yet.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Confused,
One thing that stuck out to me here was the comment about forgiveness. My STBXAW emailed me a while back and said "the only thing we can offer each other at this point if forgiveness so we can start to heal". When I replied to her I told that my healing wasn't based on her forgiveness her response was "I was under the impression from different things that had been preached in church that forgiveness is the first step to healing. If you don't feel you need my forgiveness or that I need yours then that is ok too"
I don't need her forgiveness, she was seeking that out to make herself feel better - it had nothing to do with us and healing. Many people know what God tells us and what God wants but living is a lot harder than saying.
As proof - I had filed for a no-fauly divorce from my wife, even though SHE has the alcohol issue. Her response was to counterclaim that I was abusive and she wants everything I've got. Lucky for me, I've got nothing to give right now. :-)
I can't say if your situation is real or sincere - but please make sure to take care of and protect yourself first.
One thing that stuck out to me here was the comment about forgiveness. My STBXAW emailed me a while back and said "the only thing we can offer each other at this point if forgiveness so we can start to heal". When I replied to her I told that my healing wasn't based on her forgiveness her response was "I was under the impression from different things that had been preached in church that forgiveness is the first step to healing. If you don't feel you need my forgiveness or that I need yours then that is ok too"
I don't need her forgiveness, she was seeking that out to make herself feel better - it had nothing to do with us and healing. Many people know what God tells us and what God wants but living is a lot harder than saying.
As proof - I had filed for a no-fauly divorce from my wife, even though SHE has the alcohol issue. Her response was to counterclaim that I was abusive and she wants everything I've got. Lucky for me, I've got nothing to give right now. :-)
I can't say if your situation is real or sincere - but please make sure to take care of and protect yourself first.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
I agree with protecting yourself. You both have 1 thing that should take # 1 in your lives - Recovery.
His # 1 priority has to be recovery, it cannot be winning back your trust, forgiveness or anything else. I say this for a couple of reasons, 1. If he screws up (like I have a couple of times) and has a drink and recovery isnt his 1st priority, it gives him an excuse to say **** it and then go back to drinking full time. If recovery is his 1st priority then he can attack any situation with meetings, sponsor help and a stronger program. Also, if he fails to regain trust or if your relationship ends, then there is another excuse to drink.
2. If he screws up and your own recovery isnt your priority - then you may possibly become so distracted with his issue that you lose track of yourself and your recovery from his addiction. This may end up setting you back, creating resentments and causing depression etc...
If you both stay focused on the # 1 priority, recovery from the alcoholism that has affected you both, then everything else will fall into place as God intends. That is part of living life on life's terms and not focusing on the maybes, what ifs and anything else that might trip you up.
Sorry for rambling, I just came from my noon meeting and didn't get a chance to speak.
No matter what, I wish the best for you in this difficult situation and keep on moving forward!
His # 1 priority has to be recovery, it cannot be winning back your trust, forgiveness or anything else. I say this for a couple of reasons, 1. If he screws up (like I have a couple of times) and has a drink and recovery isnt his 1st priority, it gives him an excuse to say **** it and then go back to drinking full time. If recovery is his 1st priority then he can attack any situation with meetings, sponsor help and a stronger program. Also, if he fails to regain trust or if your relationship ends, then there is another excuse to drink.
2. If he screws up and your own recovery isnt your priority - then you may possibly become so distracted with his issue that you lose track of yourself and your recovery from his addiction. This may end up setting you back, creating resentments and causing depression etc...
If you both stay focused on the # 1 priority, recovery from the alcoholism that has affected you both, then everything else will fall into place as God intends. That is part of living life on life's terms and not focusing on the maybes, what ifs and anything else that might trip you up.
Sorry for rambling, I just came from my noon meeting and didn't get a chance to speak.
No matter what, I wish the best for you in this difficult situation and keep on moving forward!
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
JMO - No one but him could know what he really means in that letter. Only time and actions will tell. My AH was never in jail, but he wrote me a similar letter from his first stint in rehab many years ago and was sober for over 14 years, was a changed man and no relapsed. Unfortunately, 5 years go he relapsed and his second stint in rehab and the things he said were just manipulation. Either way, I wouldn't rush taking him back into your home. If he truly wants sobriety and believes that you and your kids are a gift from God, he will stay sober even if you don't allow him to live at home and do what he needs to do for "him" with the hope that one day you all can have a future and live as a family. After the first time my AH went to rehab and wrote me that letter, we "dated" for a year before getting back together (did not live together). He stayed sober 14 years. Second stint in rehab, came right back home to a loving wife, stayed sober 98 days and has been drunk for the past 7 months again. Just my honest opinion here. I wish you the best of luck. It's hard, but have faith. Faith makes things possible ... not easy.
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