whatnow2

So, yesterday morning AH and I got on the subject of his health. He went to work and I e-mailed an article of the effects of alcohol on a man's body, particullary how it can lead to diabetes and also the more "personal" effects it can have. He e-mails me back on how it was an interesting read. Ok so far so good.

When he gets home, he's either "working" in the garage or basement. I used to "pop in on him" to see what he was doing, but stopped weeks ago. So it's a nice peaceful evening until he starts making some pizza. Looks for the parmesan cheese and says he knows we had some. I told him someone must have thrown it out, whoever had the lasagna yesterday. So he says well it must have been him. He must have "blacked out due to his pancreas or something(referring to the article on alcohol.) I said that's not funny, ...and then the poop hit the fan. He got enraged and said "you just don't stop. Don't you know what sarcasm is." and on and on. So I got up and walked away. I realize at this point, due to his slurring and demeanor, that he is heavily under the influence.

I was prepared to leave it at that and went to bed. He went in basement and continued yelling and talking to himself. He later comes upstairs as I'm laying in bed and says this...

"I hate your f-ing guts."
"I'm done with you."
"I should have left your stupid a$$ years ago."
"You make me want to vomit."
"You should get on your knees and thank me for not leaving your dumb a$$ 5 years ago."
"You're a greedy f-ing pig"
"You belong in Hell"
"_________ can't choose who was banging her mother. Get a saddle." to understand this past one...AH has a bad relationship with second daughter. She's 17, a very bright(straight A's) young lady, who isn't intimidated by her AF's crap. She rarely speaks to him and when he speaks to her she rarely answers. Because of their relationship, AH said a couple of weeks ago that we should test her. I said for drugs are you crazy? He said no, to see if she's his. I have never and would never cheat on my husband. He's EXTREMELY jealous, but that's a whole other thread.
"You made me drink, b!tch!"
There's more but I don't remember it all. He ended his speech by saying...
"It's all true, those are the facts."
So at this point he leaves for the basement again and I come here to read. I come upon the "sticky" about alcohol being a classic 3 act play. WOW! Sometimes I think this stuff is written spefically about us. I printed it and left it downstairs for him and go back to bed. I hear him ripping it up and he tells me I should google "emotional abuse" to learn what I am doing to him.

He leaves room agian(he threatened to leave our home several times) and I try to get some sleep. Then the texts start..."Don't you see where this is going? Can't we just stop this?" I don't reply. He comes to bed later and tries to put his arm around me. I say are you kidding? I belong in Hell, remember? He passes out seconds later and I get up for the day.

I know, boundaries. I am trying to get to a point financially where I could survive for a couple of months without his paycheck. I'm working on it. I know what I should do...

I will still hope and pray that he can overcome this disease. The side of him I just showed you is his absolute worst. There is also the side of him that has provided a very comfortable living for his family(although we misspent a lot), taken his kids fishing, played with them, he's given his socks to a homeless man he saw on the street and he held my father's hand when he was dying.

So I guess I'm really not asking anything, just wanted to vent. Maybe let some others know they are not alone.

I have gone to 1 alanon meeting, which caused another chaotic scene with AH. I plan on going again when he is no longer in our home. I am going to counseling and doing TONS of reading.

Thanks for listening

Laan

Hi there,
It's not my husband, but my dad....but you know, it's like someone from my own family wrote this!!!!! I had to make sure it wasn't.
This is so much the same!
Why do we allow it? Why do we sit with it. Yes, because we can't afford to get out, but also because deep down we wish that they would come right again, hey.

denny57

I am really, really, really, glad I don't have to listen to that crap any longer.

I'm sorry you do.

Take care of yourself.

LaTeeDa

What do you hope to accomplish by emailing him articles and printing out information from SR? Once I finally stopped trying to change and control him, it was such a huge relief. I started looking at my own life and making choices for my own good. Are you living the way you want to live? It doesn't sound like it. What can you do to change YOUR life, regardless of the choices he makes?

L

hadenoughnow

My STBX did this sort of thing.
Once.
He no longer lives here.

I will chime in and say that I doubt the articles had much to do with his behavior, you are working on yourself and seeking information and that is disrupting the status quo. Mine went crazy too went I tried to help myself and our son, it threatened his addiction.

LaTeeDa

Just to clarify, I didn't mean to imply that seeking information was a bad thing. Shoving it in his face will not do anything to change him, though. I know because I tried it, too.

L

whatnow2

Thank you for taking the time to listen. It means a lot to have somewhere to go to be able to share this with people who have been there.

This was his latest e-mail and my latest reply...

"How can I touch you after saying awful things? Simple, I don't mean any of it and that's not the way I feel. It's more complicated than the ramblings of a drunk. Whether it was my own fault or not, the last several years have been very hurtful not knowing how you feel or just feeling unloved. True, it hasn't been all roses but it has been very comforting to feel loved again. Not saying you didn't care before, I just didn't feel it. Please don't stop"

He's blamed his drinking on not feeling loved (due to the fact that I refused to speak to him after he lied about drinking, it's an endless circle)

This was my reply...

"You say you don't mean it, but then you try to justify why you feel that way. The ramblings of a drunk are VERY hurtful. I hurt very badly right now. I never went to sleep last night. I don't ever want to hear the ramblings of a drunk ever again. I'll always love you, but I can't allow you to constantly hurt me. If you made any attempt to ensure I didn't have to be subjected to the ramblings of a drunk, it would be much easier to show how I feel and not be afraid of getting hurt some more. I know you can't make any changes because of what I want. You have to want to. I hope and pray you do. I love you. I'm trying very hard to make changes within myself. When is the last time I swore at you? I try not to make judgements and understand how you feel. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I am trying to be a better person."

It's true that our marriage has never been wonderful and may still not be after he stops drinking, but I'd like the chance to find out. AH had a horrendous childhood. One I can't imagine and the complete opposite of mine. I told him once after he went on a 2 week binge that I was going to save his life. I know that's not for me to do, but I do have what I feel is compassion for someone I know is in a lot of pain. I know I can't let his pain hurt the rest of us.

Thank you again for all of your replies!

Bernadette

"I know, boundaries. I am trying to get to a point financially where I could survive for a couple of months without his paycheck. I'm working on it. I know what I should do..."

Yes! Whatnow2 - keep that plan foremost in your mind.

"I will still hope and pray that he can overcome this disease."

Y'know what??? Pray for yourself for a while! Seriously. You can't help anyone until you can help yourself. If you're mailing him articles and leaving things around for him to read then you are just engaging in some very, very unhealthy behavior that will ultimately harm YOU and have NO EFFECT on his drinking. Believe it. NO EFFECT!!!

Geeez, my heart goes out to you to have to hear him say those foul things.

And PLEASE don't you use alcohol as an excuse for that kind of speech, y'know what I'm saying?

If it's unacceptable from a person who is a teetotaler (and that kind of vicious attack falls squarely in the NOT OK/RED FLAG column) then it is unacceptable from an alcoholic too.

I admire your daughter's ability to disengage - I wish I had been that self-posseessed as a teenager with my A father - I would probably be a lot less screwy today!

Peace-
B.

LaTeeDa

Allow me to translate.


"You were getting in the way of my drinking and I was really angry. Now I realize that I went over the line and I'm backpeddling frantically because I'm worried that you might stop putting up with my crap."

"It's not my fault, it's the alcohol."


"It's not my fault, it's yours."

"I have no intention of doing anything differently, and I expect you to continue loving me regardless of what I do or say."

I must share that I endured years of verbal vomit from my AH and before I knew it, I was spewing hatred right back at him in my own defense. I never thought I would sink so low. I detested the person I had become. I hope you don't get as sick as I did.

L

Shivaya

Whatnow2, sounds like you are doing the right things to begin to take care of yourself in this mess. Alanon, counseling and reading are all great things.

I too, had printed out all kinds of literature on the effects of alcohol on the body, stages of alcoholism, etc. You name it, I read it an printed it out. I thought about showing my AH, but I knew for sure that he would not be happy about it. So I just keep it in a safe place, for me to refer back to if I need to.

In my case, he does not want to get it. He wants to remain in denial. And I can't do anything about it. But I can become as knowledgeable as I can, for myself, in learning how I can best deal with this.

I see you mentioned boundaries. I would highly recommend making some. Nobody deserves to be talked to the way he did to you. Don't allow him to do that anymore, please!

You said "the ramblings of a drunk are very hurtful". Yes, they can be, if you let them be. I think "ramblings" is a very appropriate word. There is no truth, no purpose to the bad things they say. It's really not about you, it's really about them and how horribly they feel about themselves. So let it go in one ear and out the other, or don't even let it in your ear!

Please take good care of yourself!

Shivaya

FormerDoormat

I wouldn't allow hateful words like that to go in one ear and out the other. I also wouldn't blame them on the alcohol. They weren't just ramblings of a drunk. He was angry and drunk--and speaking his truth.

I think back on all the times I've said something hateful in anger. I may have regretted it later, but I was always speaking the truth and expressing feelings that I normally kept to myself.

So now that you know what he really thinks, what do you plan to do about it? Alanon and SR helped begin to question why I claimed to love someone who says hateful things like this to me:

"I hate your f-ing guts."
"I'm done with you."
"I should have left your stupid a$$ years ago."
"You make me want to vomit."
"You should get on your knees and thank me for not leaving your dumb a$$ 5 years ago."
"You're a greedy f-ing pig"
"You belong in Hell"

It's hard to find something lovable in the words above.

Miss Pink

Alcoholism never gets better, always gets worse.....

until someone changes. Let that someone be you. Let go....let god.

Ragazza Miele

Could someone please direct me to this "sticky" whatnow is talking about. Thank you

laurie6781

What you are living, based on your description is ABUSE. Pure and simple ABUSE. Call your nearest DV shelter. They can help you, not only with counseling, a place to stay in an emergency (his verbal can escalate to physical in a nano second) and help you to relocate to new living accomadations. Domestic Violence shelters these days are much much more than just a 'shelter.' Their services are phenomenal!!!!

Every time you respond to him in any way, positive or negative, it will get worse. what you have reported are just the rambling and denials of an alcoholic. It is progressive and it will get worse. Until he himself reaches his bottom this will continue and it will get worse.

Please, check out Alanon for your own sanity, and give the local DV shelter a call and see what they can do for you and your children.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

whatnow2

Click on the "sticky" that says Classic Reading and the link is about half way down.

whatnow2

LaTeeDa,

Ah called on way home last night (after stopping at a coworkers to drink) and he wanted to know "where we were at". It was about a 45 minute conversation that I listened to without my "rose colored glasses."

Everything he said translated to "I'm not going to stop drinking" plain and simple.

I started to let go of my delusion and saw things for what they really are. I was so sad. The entire time I was on the phone, my 6yo son kept running past me waving with a big smile on his face and then he sat down next to me and held my hand with a big fake smile and said, "I'm doing this so you won't be sad." For a moment it touched my heart what a loving son I have and then it hit me. OMG my 6yo son is "rescuing" me. This should not be the responsibility of my 6yo, to try and save his mom. I really screwed up. I cried a lot last night. Of course when AH came home he told me everything will be ok...I know everything will be ok with my kids and I when I make it that way. I have to be MUCH more aware of what my children are witnessing.

Thank you

LaTeeDa

I know exactly what you are feeling. My son (8 at the time) felt the need to be my rescuer, too. My daughter (12 at the time) hated me for everything that happened. It took over a year of counseling with a counselor who specialized in addiction issues, but they are pretty much back to being "regular" kids, now. And I am pretty much a "regular" mom these days, too (if there is such a thing, lol). If the well-being of your children motivates you more than your own well-being, then so be it. Whatever motivates you to change your life doesn't matter, it's changing your life that matters. Make sure you buckle up, the ride can get bumpy. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

L