Parts of one of his letters
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
I'm afraid if I say to him that I want him to stay elsewhere, even for a month, that he won't be ok with that, and that he will stay at his mom's and start drinking again right away.
Think about it.................
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
I'm not a Christian now, I was at one time, but I think it's appropriate wisdom for the situation- "Trust God, but keep your gunpowder dry". Good Luck, having witnessed and participated in a fair amount of addiction agony from both sides, I hope this has a happy outcome for you and your loved ones.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Sometimes I wish I would have saved all the letters my ex wrote me during his year in the penitentiary on a PV. I clung to every word he wrote, to every promise he made, I believed him, I had to believe him.
I married that man right after he got out.
It didn't take long at all till it was the same old, same old, only worse.
I got my head beat into walls. I got thrown down the basement steps. I got body-slammed onto the hard floor. I got pummeled, spit on, beat on till I would lose consciousness.
He sure found God, didn't he?
Well, he's 6' under now, died last year of AIDS he contracted while sharing needles. That was a long slow death over 20 years.
My now 30 year old daughter doesn't remember a lot of that time period. How could a child from 3-8 years of age even begin to process what it's like to live with a lying sick addicted alcoholic abuser?
Her life is testament to the scars that were left on her soul.
She 'finds God' too every time she's in jail. Two weeks ago she left her 12 year old daughter in charge of the rest of the kids and she and all her church friends went out and got drunk as all get-out till 2 in the morning.
She's expected to go back to jail again next month as she hasn't completed even half of her community service. Again, she'll pay more lip service to finding 'God'.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Today I won't sell myself short. I will not have an active addict/alcoholic in my life, period.
I love my oldest daughter, but I have let go and let God. She's seen me find recovery and stick it out for the long haul. She knows where the help is.
She knows it would take a MINIMUM of 1 year completely clean/sober before I ever thought about becoming a part of her life again.
For now, I pray for her.
I married that man right after he got out.
It didn't take long at all till it was the same old, same old, only worse.
I got my head beat into walls. I got thrown down the basement steps. I got body-slammed onto the hard floor. I got pummeled, spit on, beat on till I would lose consciousness.
He sure found God, didn't he?
Well, he's 6' under now, died last year of AIDS he contracted while sharing needles. That was a long slow death over 20 years.
My now 30 year old daughter doesn't remember a lot of that time period. How could a child from 3-8 years of age even begin to process what it's like to live with a lying sick addicted alcoholic abuser?
Her life is testament to the scars that were left on her soul.
She 'finds God' too every time she's in jail. Two weeks ago she left her 12 year old daughter in charge of the rest of the kids and she and all her church friends went out and got drunk as all get-out till 2 in the morning.
She's expected to go back to jail again next month as she hasn't completed even half of her community service. Again, she'll pay more lip service to finding 'God'.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Today I won't sell myself short. I will not have an active addict/alcoholic in my life, period.
I love my oldest daughter, but I have let go and let God. She's seen me find recovery and stick it out for the long haul. She knows where the help is.
She knows it would take a MINIMUM of 1 year completely clean/sober before I ever thought about becoming a part of her life again.
For now, I pray for her.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Don't let him rush you into making decisions about coming home.
My AH wanted to know right away if he could come back. He also found God in all his letters to friends and family. I felt scared he said if I didn't take him back it was all over. He is now in jail for the second time in 1 year.
Looking back,I have FINALLY opened my eyes to all the lies and manipulation he fed me over the years,I just wanted so much to be a family,him to be well.I was living my dream of how our life could be. After 24 years... Dam thats a long time........ I learned no one in this world will be exactly who I want them to be. Being a single parent now is tough,but I feel stronger every day. I can raise these kids by myself,all he brought to our lives was heartache and sorrow.I hope one day he finds sobriety but I truly doubt that will happen. He has had more help than most,and chose not to take it.
Take care of you,wait and see if he is serious,actions speak miles above words.Remember they are master manipulators,Make decisions based on your true gut feeling.DO NOT give him all the power in YOUR choices.
My AH wanted to know right away if he could come back. He also found God in all his letters to friends and family. I felt scared he said if I didn't take him back it was all over. He is now in jail for the second time in 1 year.
Looking back,I have FINALLY opened my eyes to all the lies and manipulation he fed me over the years,I just wanted so much to be a family,him to be well.I was living my dream of how our life could be. After 24 years... Dam thats a long time........ I learned no one in this world will be exactly who I want them to be. Being a single parent now is tough,but I feel stronger every day. I can raise these kids by myself,all he brought to our lives was heartache and sorrow.I hope one day he finds sobriety but I truly doubt that will happen. He has had more help than most,and chose not to take it.
Take care of you,wait and see if he is serious,actions speak miles above words.Remember they are master manipulators,Make decisions based on your true gut feeling.DO NOT give him all the power in YOUR choices.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Aweda,
24 years IS a very long time. <<<Hugs>>> to you. Thank you for the post, it helps bring me back to reality, because I too like to live in my little dream world of how it will be IF he stays sober, and how our life COULD be, IF he stays sober, and what a great man he is, IF he is sober.
I'm back to working on me today, my focus is not entirely him, just for today. I worked out on the treadmill last night, and that felt so good, and tonight I am getting my hair done. So I am excited.
He is still on my mind, but not like he was. I know that I have to be ok regardless of what Chris does/doesn't do. I wrote him a letter and told him that I am not going to visit for awhile, at least until his mom has come to terms with all that has happened. I told him that it brings up a lot of feelings I would like to get past and hinders my own recovery, which is all true.
Thanks for everyone's advice/tough love, it seems that I have re-adjusted my focus.
:ghug
24 years IS a very long time. <<<Hugs>>> to you. Thank you for the post, it helps bring me back to reality, because I too like to live in my little dream world of how it will be IF he stays sober, and how our life COULD be, IF he stays sober, and what a great man he is, IF he is sober.
I'm back to working on me today, my focus is not entirely him, just for today. I worked out on the treadmill last night, and that felt so good, and tonight I am getting my hair done. So I am excited.
He is still on my mind, but not like he was. I know that I have to be ok regardless of what Chris does/doesn't do. I wrote him a letter and told him that I am not going to visit for awhile, at least until his mom has come to terms with all that has happened. I told him that it brings up a lot of feelings I would like to get past and hinders my own recovery, which is all true.
Thanks for everyone's advice/tough love, it seems that I have re-adjusted my focus.
:ghug
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think it was either LTD or Denny who said:
"When I spend my time thinking of what was, I'm living in the past. When I spend my time thinking of what might be, I'm living in the future. If I'm engaging in this kind of thinking, I'm not living in the present."
(I'm paraphrasing from memory, so forgive me if I've misquoted someone).
Living in a dream world is another way to avoid living life in the present. So why, SoConfused, do people prefer to live in a dream world? Could it be because the present is so awful, they're afraid to take a look a reality?
Just some questions for you to ponder.
"When I spend my time thinking of what was, I'm living in the past. When I spend my time thinking of what might be, I'm living in the future. If I'm engaging in this kind of thinking, I'm not living in the present."
(I'm paraphrasing from memory, so forgive me if I've misquoted someone).
Living in a dream world is another way to avoid living life in the present. So why, SoConfused, do people prefer to live in a dream world? Could it be because the present is so awful, they're afraid to take a look a reality?
Just some questions for you to ponder.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Living in a dream world is another way to avoid living life in the present. So why, SoConfused, do people prefer to live in a dream world? Could it be because the present is so awful, they're afraid to take a look a reality?
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