peaceteach

(Gobsmacked-I just love that-LOL)

Lucy, all the "signs" are aligning here, and your hard work through loving intent is reaching a climax. I find it so interesting that twice today it is the words of the children that are motivating the adults.

I had to let go of my good friend, my sister-in-law, to help the children. She has yet to find recovery, is in jail yet again, but her boys are doing fine and turning into responsible, happy, loving adult men. Keep on keeping on, little Brit

LucyA

I feel like I'm getting somewhere now, my mum actually phoned social services today, with a little bit of convincing from me. She told them about why Joe wanted to stay with them tonight, and she told me if I can find an al anon meeting close enough she'll come with me. She has no idea how much that means to me, but she will soon.
And the social worker, told me stuff off the record about how to get more help for Joe.
I'd felt this week was going nowhere, but here comes Firday evening and it's all happening.

Bernadette

"Is it wrong that I don't like my brother any more? I'm mixed up, I love him as my brother but I can't accept what he's doing."

Of course not! This disease just rips all the "normal" to shreds. I love all my alcoholic/addict brothers but one of them I cannot tolerate at all - not for one second - I just can't handle his drinking/belligerent attitude/know-it-allness. Agh completely aggravating.

And I have to protect myself and my children from the drama and bad example of their drunk uncle.
Sux.
But reality.

Don't let guilt creep in. It's a useless and paralyzing emotion.
Although I have to say (with admiration) you seem unstoppable now!

It is sad to me, but I guess in civilized countries that try to live by the LAW, that police have to get involved at those times and on that level which can be quite traumatic for young children. But so be it.

Good Luck Lucy-- one day at a time!
Peace,
B.

LucyA

One day at a time is all I can do at the moment (I'd be pulling my hair out if I had to think past that)

Sophia57

You're doing brilliantly, Lucy, it'll all come together soon.
Hang in there hun
N
xxx

LucyA

Thanks N, and everyone else who's encouraged and supported me.

We're planning to go for a PPO tomorrow evening if everything goes as it usually does.
Joe's safe at my mums tonight, he's been there all weekend and his dad wouldn't allow him home today because he was watching soccer in the pub.

LucyA

Well, as far as the PPO my plans were foiled tonight by Joe himself. He was round here playing with my two boys and they were plotting between them for Joe to stay over here on Friday evening. He asked me if he could and I said he could stay over whenever he wanted if it was ok with his dad. So he asked could he stay tonight cos his dads been in the pub all day and he'll be horrible to him if he goes home. I couldn't say no to that could I? But I insisted he called his dad to check it was ok. Of course it was. Dad would drop his school uniform off at my house in a few minutes.

Well, he did, he left it on the doorstep.

Joe was pretty uncomfortable with this, he comes to my house and up to now we never really discussed his dads problems, he just comes here and has fun, no pressure, no reminders.

So, a little later his dad phones him again and asks if he's coming home, Joe said no, he's playing with his cousins and staying tonight.

About an hour later his dad turns up here, with the dobie and tells Joe to go home, Joe said no I'm not coming tonight, I'm playing with my cousins and staying here, I'll see you tomorrow. His dad said well, I may go out tomorrow so we'll see. (by this time I'm fuming, but not showing it, I asked my bro to leave and let the kids get to bed please as they all have school tomorrow) so he left.

He must have walked in the door and picked the phone up and called me, asked me whats going on, I tell him nothing, joe asked could he stay I said if its ok with dad etc, then he starts on about you'll all get your way soon and you'll get Joe taken away from me, poor me blah blah. I said, if you want help show me and I'll be there, but for now these kids need sorting out, then said bye.

I haven't heard from him for about an hour, but I'll be unplugging the phone when I go to bed just in case. And also phoning the social services to cover my back.

I just found out tonight Joe is really ticklish, the four of us had a mega tickling session. It's so good to see him laugh.

LucyA

It's just after 9.30pm here in Manchester, and again I have Joe sleeping here.
He stayed here last night and I took him to school this morning, after school he went home and lasted about 30 minutes before he phoned me crying saying his dad was being mean and horrible. I asked him if he could get here and he came right away, and asked if he could stay here again.

I gave all 3 kids tea and was pondering what to do when Joes dad phoned and asked if he was here, I told him he was and that he wanted to stay again and asked if it was ok. His dad said 'he can stay there all the f-ing time for all I care' so I just said I'd call round for his school uniform in a few minutes.

When I arrived at his house he said Joe winds him up by saying 'the wrong things' I didn't want to get in a discussion/argument so I didn't respond, I just petted the dog while my brother got Joes stuff together then I left.

This is the fifth night in a row Joe hasn't wanted to go home and I don't know what to do for the moment.
I would have him stay with me for as long as he needs to, but as soon as his dad decides he wants him home theres not a lot I can do to keep him here. That's why I need social services to act and do something to make it official, but for some reason they aren't doing very much except believe all the lies my brother is telling them.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day.

peaceteach

It may work out that Joe makes the request to live with you, Lucy. Wouldn't that be the best? If it was HIS idea (and one you are already supporting). Keep us posted and bless you for being there for Joe and your boys. I think you are wonderful!

Barbara52

Lucy, have you talked to an attorney about the situation? Perhaps there is some way to prod more decisive action out of the social services folks?

LucyA

Thank you

I don't know about your laws regarding residency etc, but even if Joe asked to live with me it would have to be court ordered to stop his dad moving him out whenever he felt like it, otherwise he can demand Joe goes home whenever he wants.
Joe's already mentioned it in a jokey way, I'm not sure if he was testing the water, but until I know it's going to be at least semi permanent and his dad cant uproot him just as he's settled, I'm not going to promise him anything, except that his beds here when he needs it.

LucyA

Funny you should say that, my cousin is a solicitor, and his wife is a family law solicitor and they've been advising me (but we dont want to go the legal route unless we really need to)

God help the ones who don't have the knowledge of the system behind them.

I'm going to see what happens tomorrow after school, but in the morning I'll be talking to social services again and taking more advice from my cousin.
I've been trying to do it all by the book (I even got a copy of the procedures) but it's just not working. I need the PPO now, but it means getting Joe to stay at home for a while and I'm not prepared to put him through that even for the right result if he doesn't want to.

LucyA

My brother must have known I was 'talking' about him, he just phoned me, bear in mind it's almost 10.30pm here. He wanted to speak to Joe. Obviously I told him Joe is in bed and has been for over an hour. So then he starts chatting about cable TV, then neatly slips in a question about what days I work. Apparently he was going to ask me to babysit on Friday night, I really can't believe this guy.

LucyA

Quicky little update.

I've just had a conversation with the lady from the family centre my brother is supposed to be attending with Joe (parenting advice, family mediation that kind of place) she's received a message about another conversation i had with someone else this morning about Joe not wanting to stay at home with his dad. The advice I've been given is

keep Joe with me, if he wants to stay here

if he wants to stay and his dad objects in a way where I fear for Joes safety call the police

if i do the above and Joe is removed on a PPO he will definately come to me

social services will support any application I make for a residency order

and finally to seek legal advice re the above.

It looks like I can finally move and actually do something if Joe wants it.
This was more or less my plan anyway, but it's reassuring to know social services are backing me too.

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps to share about this here.

Barbara52

I'm glad to see things are moving in the direction you hoped for.

Pajarito

Hi Lucy- just went through this thread and see you've been through a lot- and you sound like a very strong and wonderful aunt. It sounds like things are starting to fall into place too. (((Good luck!)))

LucyA

Well, Joe agreed, he wants to stay with me, he told his dad himself he doesn't feel safe at home when dad has been drinking.
I spoke to his dad, or rather tried to, and he just shrugged and walked away.
He has phoned this evening to ask if Joe was ok and if he could speak to him, but Joe said he'd rather not do tonight.
I'm proud of Joe for finally having the strength to say how he feels.
Tomorrow I'm starting the residency application (not sure if you have the same but if it's granted it gives me equal parental responsibility with my brother for Joe and allows him to stay with me untill he is 16)

Barbara52

Lucy, its wonderful that you are doing this and that Joe has a place where he feels safe and wanted. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Bernadette

Hey Lucy - Wow so this is a good change of events!! So because your brother isn't resisting you can file for this residency application?

Your patience and persistence may have paid off in the least traumatic "transfer of power" for young Joe! Bless you- I hope it goes smoothly and you get it all legal so you can relax (just a bit!!!).

You're pretty inspiring you know? ;-)
Peace,
B.

LucyA

I can do it even if he does resist, although it means involving the police if i dont think its safe for him to be around Joe. Social services are aware that Joe is with me, they're happy now and tell me Joe is not a concern to them as long as he's here.

One snag is I found my cousin (the solicitor) can't help me out as he's represented my brother for something else in the past, so now can't act against him in court. But social services have offered me one instead.

I'm going to keep posting on here, I like to keep it all together so I can see myself how far I've come with this. But apart from that I'd like other people to read it and see that you can get results, even though I know I'm far from finished with this, if it encourages someone else it's all been worth it.
When it's all over I'll post a photo of Joe and my kids, not yet though.

I'm happy and sad tonight, happy because I know Joe is in bed and feels safe, sad because my brother doesn't seem bothered much. If it was one of my children I'd be beating the door down to get to him now. I just hope this goes some way to helping him make better choices, but I'm not holding my breath.