LucyA

Thanks, my mum's struggling at the moment, I think because we've all focussed on Joe so intensely the last few days she's realising some of the things she's been doing for my brother. She cried and cried yesterday. She's been my brothers biggest enabler. We all told her that's the past and to concentrate on now and whats going to happen, not sure if that's the right thing to say but it helped me when I did that. She feels she's done some damage and she feels guilty, but we all (the rest of the family) want to help her get through this rough patch, hopefully by concentrating on Joe with her we can help. We told her she did what she thought was right at the time and no one blames her for that, but we have to look forward now.

I swear I can feel my shoulders growing broader!

Hugs to you all for being there for me :ghug3

I'm just going to ramble on about it all on this thread when stuff happens if that's ok

Bernadette

hey LucyA-
I think your words to your mom were very wise indeed:

"We all told her that's the past and to concentrate on now and whats going to happen, not sure if that's the right thing to say but it helped me when I did that."


"We told her she did what she thought was right at the time and no one blames her for that, but we have to look forward now."

Blaming and shaming are 2 of the biggest uglies that rear their heads in co-dependent/alcoholic situations. These words you chose to use with your mom are great because they take the shame away and put the focus on the here and now and freedom of choice from this moment forward.

Brilliant.

Thank you for posting. Your struggles and these step by step lessons you are sharing are inspiring.
Peace,
B,

Barbara52

Lucy, this sound so very hopeful for all involved! I'll keep you all in my prayers.

GiveLove

Lucy,
Please keep us posted on your progress. I like how you are building a support system, and also hope you are documenting everything you see, keeping a log, saving voice mails and/or emails, everything you can in a file. Documentation can be a very impressive weapon.

Good luck -- sending you luck and support!

LucyA

I'm feeling a bit anxious this morning, first day after the easter break and the social services offices reopen. I just know it's all going to hit the fan with my brother very soon. Joe's still with his other Aunt till Saturday and I'm pleased he's out of it for now. As soon as he finds out I've made another refferral against him my brother is going to go to work on my mum and dad to turn them against me. I know he will, he did that last time, and he almost had them convinced I was wrong. I think we're all stronger now though, I really hope so because we all need to stick together.
I have a file of evidence to help us, dates and times my brothers left Joe alone, things he's said to me, things he's done all going back to around November last year (that was when I made the first refferral) also times Joes been at my house and not been able to contact his dad.
I know I can cope with whatever my brother throws at me over this, but I'm not sure about my mum and dad, please keep them in your thoughts today and send them a bit of your strength, it's going to be so hard for them.
Thanks Luce

Sophia57

I'll keep them in my thoughts, Lucy. It's really hard on parents to stand against their sons or daughters and devastating if they feel like they're abandoning them.

We have a spilt in our family and it has made life so hard for my mother, but it's a different situation to yours, where your mum is actually helping your brother (tho it doesnt seem like that to her) by going against him.
I'll keep you in my thoughts too - it's hard for you on all sides. Sending your family lots of positive thoughts and encouragement.

You're a brave person
Hugs
N
x

LucyA

Oh what a day, in between redecorating the house, assembling a new kitchen table and going to work, I've been speaking to social workers, or rather I've been leaving messages with receptionists for social workers.
I finally got to speak to a real live one at four pm ish today. She'd read the refferral I made about my bro and nephew and she's been to see my bro today (nephew's away till the weekend) To be fair to her she gave me a pretty detailed report on the visit, but the two key points in my opinion, nephew being left alone and being neglected, she wouldn't discuss although she said she's discussed them with my bro.
I did the same thing in November, refferred my bro, but I heard nothing back from that so she updated me on that too, my bro had about a million appointments and services offered to him then and he showed for just one appointment. All this time he's been telling my mum he was going to the appointments and meetings.
Apparently another person has also raised concerns to this department about my brother in the past too.
She's going to see Joe on Tuesday next week and talk to him. My only worry is that he gets back on Saturday and his dad will have till Tuesday to work on him and coach him.
That's my update for now, The SW said I'm welcome to phone her Tuesday to see how it went (I wasn't going to wait to be invited anyway) and if I don't think it went well you can be sure she's going to know about it.

Lilyflower

Lucy, I am so glad you and your family are taking these steps. Joe is a very lucky fella to have you for his aunt. I am sure the SW will be able to realise if Joe is being coerced. I will keep you all in my thoughts, good luck, thanks for the update.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

lexusgirl

You go girl!! Like I said before your nephew is blessed to have such a kind and loving Auntie.


Good luck with the SW. I have dealt with similiar issues regarding my son's A Dad when he had him during his visitation weekends. For me CPS (Child Protective Services) was not a help to me whatsoever. They basically stated that unless he had fresh bruises they wouldn't get involved. It's been a nasty court battle ever since.

LucyA

Yeah, I know what you mean. It did my head in a bit, no offence to anyone, but it feels like she's going to go in favour of my lying manipulative alcoholic brother over my parents, my aunt, myself and this other mystery person (who was actually some proffessional he's been involved with but she wouldn't tell me more)
The ball's rolling now anyway, and I'm going to keep it rolling until things change for the better one way or another.

Barbara52

Unfortunately, As are expert manipulators and can seem so very sincere and wonderful to those who don't know them. Heck, I'd be willing to bet most of could say that about the As in our lives.

lexusgirl

Absolutely!! My son's A Father is a prime example of that. He really charmed so many people within the court system, most of them women. He is handsome, and charming. I have set back and watched him lie and manipulate his way through the court system, as well other professionals involved in our case ie- GAL's, cops, therapists etc etc.

I can say this about him as I have a very long history with him, although we have been apart for a very long time.

LucyA

I've a long history with my brother, 38 years, and the last 5 months of his life with his son take up most of my diary pages. Times and dates of every little incident, Aunty Lucy's kicking butt big time.
I'm going to ring back tomorrow and tell her I'm not happy with her waiting till Tuesday, and also with her alerting my brother today when she knew Joe wasn't there.

GiveLove

I would too. If she has any experience with alcoholics at all (she must, mustn't she?) she will know that this is not a good idea. Perhaps she'll do the right and decent thing.

LucyA

I'm not sure, she did seem to focus on my brother needing help, and compared alcoholism to her liking chocolate so I'm guessing she doesn't have much experience.

LucyA

I had an interesting night last night, 10.30 pm my mum phoned me to tell me my brother had just phoned her. He hasn't spoken to her or my dad for a few weeks, but tonight he was trying to play on her sympathy for him because he's had a visit from the social worker and he asked her if she knew who might have called them, I was so proud of her when she said she'd told him yes she knew and she knew it was going to happen, and also that she was in full agreement. Go mum! she's come a long way in a short time.
She was a bit worried about me, my brother lives within 2 minutes walk of my house and she wanted to warn me in case he turned up here. He didn't but I told her if he did turn up and was abusive I would call the police.

I went to bed soon after and was woken by the phone at 12.30am, my brother. He asked me if I'd been the one to phone, so I told him yes I had. Then the rant started, every other word was an f word, I told him I wasn't listening to that, told him that me and 3 others had agreed he wasnt looking after Joe and that there was someone else who I didnt know who'd raised concerns, and also that I'd been to work it was late and if he wanted to talk constructively about it I would do so any time during the day but that I was going back to sleep now. His response to that was 'Oh!' so I hung up.

I wonder what today will bring cos I'm more than ready for it.

Bernadette

Wow Lucy- things are heating up - but that's when things start to move isn't it?

Good on you for staying strong. And hanging up the phone and going back to sleep!!! Well done.

You sound like you're ready for anything!

You & Joe are in my prayers that things will move swiftly in a positive direction...

Peace,
B.

LucyA

Well, it turns out the woman I was led to believe is a social worker isnt a social worker, neither is the 'duty social worker' I spoke to on Sunday, so I haven't actually spoken to a real live one yet. Nevermind, I have a meeting tomorrow with the woman I've been speaking to, she didn't get all the information I gave on Sunday so we're going to discuss all the concerns tomorrow, my Aunt is coming with me (we played one of our trump cards today and told them that I work in Adult services and my aunt works in childrens services, now they're listening :bounce )

It's so frustrating having to follow all the procedures and do things by the book, but we need to do this right first time.
I'm off to colour my hair now, can't think where all this grey is coming from

peaceteach

Oh, Lucy, good for you. Keep that lovely sense of humor. And now you have your aunt to help as well. Things sound like they are (slowly) going in the right direction for Joe, thank goodness. And thank you!

LucyA

Quick update, Joe spent last week in Wales with his other Aunt, he should have arrived back hime on Saturday but his dad decided to leave him there for an extra cople of days so that he could go to Scotland to see a woman he's met on the net.

So he's home for Tuesday and Wednesday, then he's being packed off to Wales again so his dad can go back to Scotland to a party with this woman. Originally my mum had agreed to have Joe stay with her for the coming weekend, but now my brother isn't talking to any of his family and isn't allowing Joe to, he wasnt allowed out to play with my kids yesterday evening.

It's just all so sad, my parents are really upset, mostly because they aren't getting to see their Grandson, but also because of the way my brother is treating them.
I'm upset because my brother seems to be using the kids to punish his family and also because I know that social services are giving him one last chance to work with 'the family' to look after Joe, it's pointless me telling him but he's going to blow it by behaving like this.

BUT, I've learned from my friends here, and I'm thinking maybe this is how it's meant to be, I know one way or another these times will pass, and perhaps these bad times are what's needed to get some good times for the little one.

I would so love for my brother to turn himself around, give Joe the love he craves and be happy with his son. But I really don't think that will happen.