AnotherAnais

FD, I've been pretty clear that I'm seeking information and experience... which I will use to help me interpret my own experience, and to draw my own conclusions from. It's just an article, another opinion. Opinions vary here, and outside this forum.

(and that is a cute dog)

denny57

I say go for it.

I happen to agree with a lot of that article. Yet, I also believe in what I call true co-dependency, which is involvement and enmeshment with an addict, alcoholic or otherwise. It says a lot about ME that I stayed with an alcoholic for 18 years. It says a lot, in my opinion, about your new boyfriend, that he stayed with an alcoholic for so many years (a woman who is still enmeshed in his life, as he is in hers).

My humble opinion, reading the scant details you have provided, is that this guy, and perhaps you, do not want to ever be alone.

I have learned in my journey that many, many times those who were not enmeshed in my situation could very clearly see what was going on. It has been proven time and time again. I have finally learned that lesson, but it didn't come overnight.

What I think is important is that if I have learned that lesson, for me, I share what I have learned. If someone learns from it, as I did from others, fantastic. It's why I'm here.

I truly hope everything works out for the the both of you.

NYC_Chick

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy :chatter

It seems like you want to hear what we have to say as long as it doesn't conflict with your thoughts that what your bf is doing with his ex is normal. Of course a great bf would want to do something nice for us like he did for you, BUT is he doing something nice for HER or is he still hung up on her?

Ser

There seems like there's a lot of communication disconnect in this thread. I think most of us who are replying to Anais are coming from a place within codependent relationships, or have struggled with that and have left those relationships. Anais sounds to me like she comes from a much healthier place in her relationships, and I don't see a reason to doubt that in how she presents herself. If she says that she's fully comfortable moving in with a boyfriend on a trial basis, and also comfortable with ending that relationship if/when it doesn't work out, I don't see why we should doubt that either, even if it's not what some of us would do/be comfortable with. It's great that we can warn her of our own experiences of getting entangled wiht others and the pitfalls of a codependent personality hopelessly enmeshed with an alcoholic, but we don't need to project our experiences on to someone who does not seem like a codependent.

denny57

Good points; but the original post was about the boyfriend. I am addressing my comments to that - and from what I'm told, he was in a co-dependent relationship.

Ser

I agree Denny, it does sound like he was in a codependent relationship, but he's not the one posting, and much of the advice here seems like it would be more helpful to him than to Anais. And I guess I was also taking into consideration that she said he had been separated for over a year, in therapy for 6 months, and in communication with xag recently 1 to 2 times per month (having unfortunately been her storage spot too). Anais' threshold for a new relationship may be sooner than some posters here, but I thought some posters' judgment of him not being ready for another relationship was somewhat subjective. At what point do any of you who are out of your relationships with an alcoholic consider yourselves far enough along in your recovery for a new relationship?

denny57

I don't want to hijack the thread - perhaps that's a good question for another thread?

I try not to give advice; I share experience.

p.s. He CHOSE to be her storage spot.

LaTeeDa

I do not think there is any set time to go by. It is quite an individual thing. One year is mentioned a lot. I believe that is probably a fair guideline for those who want some kind of idea to go by. I also think many situational factors play in to it as well. Things such as who did the leaving, how long the relationship was, how long the problems existed, are there children involved, the list could go on and on. For me, the biggest factor was changing my beliefs about what a relationship is, what love means, and accepting the role I played in the whole mess of the dysfunction.

L

tryingtofly

I think the key there is "out of your relationships" by continuing to keep 'Bonnie's' stuff at his place (it seems to not upset her), the BF wasn't really, fully out of the relationtionship.

steve11694

Much of psychiatry is based on concepts developed more than 18 years ago by such people as Sigmund Freud, Jung, etc.

Apparently many follow and base their lives upon writings more then 18 years old; the old and new testaments.

AnotherAnais

Thanks Denny, and thanks for the thought and time that everyone puts into their responses. I wanted to make the point about "old scripture" but didn't want to offend anyone, or be accused of only hearing what I want to hear.

It's true that I don't want to be alone. Who does? Like most people, I'm happier when I love and am loved. But BOTH parts are crucial to me. When my best friend was ill from AIDS, he lived with me for a few years. (I owned a building, he rented an apartment in it.) We loved each other. A lot of people assumed I was taking care of him, but our friendship was more than reciprocal. My best friend here is a charming fashionista who lives on nicotine, rugby players and shopping. Like the character in Absolutely Fabulous, she was last seen eating in 1974. But I take a bowl of chicken and dumplings over, and she eats! My own food tastes better when I share it with some who appreciates it. She NEVER cooks for me ... but when a designer item in my size goes 90% off, it shows up at my door. My relationships work.

There's little worse than being lonely when you're with another person. I am far, far happier being single than in an unhappy romantic relationship. But whether the boyfriend works or doesn't work, I won't be alone. I've told him, very simply, that I won't argue about this and I won't be upset. But I won't continue in the relationship if he chooses to continue in their relationship, and, to paraphrase the New Testament, "by his works I shall know him."

We shall see. I'll be there in five days. Yikes!

PaperDolls

I'm happy to hear you say that!

I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted!

FormerDoormat

I agree. It was excruciatingly lonely loving a person who was emotionally unavailable to me. Since my boyfriend's death, I've lived alone for nearly a year, and I haven't experienced loneliness once during that time.

I hope for your sake that when your boyfriend stops storing his ex girlfriend's furniture, this will mark the end of his emotional attachment to her and a real comitment to you.

Life with a partner who can't be fully engaged in a relationship is no life for anyone.

AnotherAnais

FD, I'm sorry about your boyfriend's death, glad that you are not lonely.

I realized, just today, that a guy I was seeing last year (not an alcoholic, ex not an alcoholic) was another science geek. He doesn't cook, and the first time I visited him, his cupboards were full of German canned goods. "What's this?" "Oh, Simone used to cook." Simone was German, Simone moved out two years before I visited. He was in NO way involved with Simone. I said, "Honey, that's weird." He said, "Is it? OK, I will tell the housekeeper to clean the cupboards." So I know M's relationship with B is not normal, but this may be why it falls within my boundaries.... J was just so befuddled, in an absent-minded professor sort of way. M shares some of those tendencies.

Anyway, B's stuff is gone and she's in a 7-day residential rehab, followed by "intensive outpatient," whatever that means. He seems very excited that I'll be there. He said today, "Happiness going is like light bulbs burning out, one by one. I didn't realize how dark it had gotten until the lights were back on."