My new boyfriend's ex is an alcoholic
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My new boyfriend's ex is an alcoholic
Hi,
I'm new here, and would appreciate some advice while I'm catching up in the forums. I don't know much about alcoholics, but my new lover was in a 10-year relationship with a woman who is in and out of rehab. He says that she started as a "normal" drinker and over the course of their relationship progressed to about a liter of vodka a day.
We have a long-distance relationship (I'm an expat in Asia, he's in the States) but I plan to return this summer and live with him for 6 months until he finishes his graduate work. Plans are to return here if things work out between us.
Mark asked "Bonnie" to move out last November, after multiple relapses. At the time, he said he hoped the shock would be the "hitting bottom" that she needed, that she'd sober up and that they'd reconcile. She moved to a tiny apartment, but left most of her stuff with him. And proceeded to continue drinking. She says he's a "trigger" whatever that means. He thinks he is, too. He said "it's completely over" early last summer, before he met me. But he let her keep her things at the condo, with the thought that he'd sell when he graduates and then she'd move. He continued to be friends with her, to give her rides, to attend AA meetings with her.
So now I'm on the scene, she knows he's seeing someone, I'll be there in 10 days for a 2 week visit and I WILL turn around if her stuff is not OUT. Each time they've set a date to split up stuff and move her (he's helping!), she gets drunk. He's a "nice guy." I'd have had her **** on the curb, for her picking up enjoyment.
I guess I foresee that she will continue to manipulate him as long as she can. But I wonder if there's any way that I can support HIM, and I guess I also worry a little bit if this is normal, how much he still lets her jerk him around. Full Disclosure: I am 100% sure that their "romantic" relationship is DEAD. And he's crazy about me. (As he should be.)
Thanks.
I'm new here, and would appreciate some advice while I'm catching up in the forums. I don't know much about alcoholics, but my new lover was in a 10-year relationship with a woman who is in and out of rehab. He says that she started as a "normal" drinker and over the course of their relationship progressed to about a liter of vodka a day.
We have a long-distance relationship (I'm an expat in Asia, he's in the States) but I plan to return this summer and live with him for 6 months until he finishes his graduate work. Plans are to return here if things work out between us.
Mark asked "Bonnie" to move out last November, after multiple relapses. At the time, he said he hoped the shock would be the "hitting bottom" that she needed, that she'd sober up and that they'd reconcile. She moved to a tiny apartment, but left most of her stuff with him. And proceeded to continue drinking. She says he's a "trigger" whatever that means. He thinks he is, too. He said "it's completely over" early last summer, before he met me. But he let her keep her things at the condo, with the thought that he'd sell when he graduates and then she'd move. He continued to be friends with her, to give her rides, to attend AA meetings with her.
So now I'm on the scene, she knows he's seeing someone, I'll be there in 10 days for a 2 week visit and I WILL turn around if her stuff is not OUT. Each time they've set a date to split up stuff and move her (he's helping!), she gets drunk. He's a "nice guy." I'd have had her **** on the curb, for her picking up enjoyment.
I guess I foresee that she will continue to manipulate him as long as she can. But I wonder if there's any way that I can support HIM, and I guess I also worry a little bit if this is normal, how much he still lets her jerk him around. Full Disclosure: I am 100% sure that their "romantic" relationship is DEAD. And he's crazy about me. (As he should be.)
Thanks.
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My opinion may not be what you want to hear.....
You are in for a world of pain.
This guy is NOT done with her....not by a long shot. And even if he was, its way too soon for him to be in a relationship with someone else....he hasnt even begun to heal the pain of 10 years of alcoholism.
Healthy men do not have the kinda drama hanging around them....Please run the other way.
You are in for a world of pain.
This guy is NOT done with her....not by a long shot. And even if he was, its way too soon for him to be in a relationship with someone else....he hasnt even begun to heal the pain of 10 years of alcoholism.
Healthy men do not have the kinda drama hanging around them....Please run the other way.
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Welcome. I hope you find what you are need in here.
Its unclear from what you wrote how much time you have actually spent with your BF. Have you met face to face? You say you are in love with him but you also don't seem to have taken very much time to get to know him before you fell in love.
He's been out of his past relationship for about 3 months. Sort of out it at any rate. From where I sit, Miss Pink is right that he hasn't had time to deal with his issues and isn't likely to be ready for a heathly relationship. It is of course up to you, but why get into a realtionship with someone who seems to have a continuing relationship with someone else?
Its unclear from what you wrote how much time you have actually spent with your BF. Have you met face to face? You say you are in love with him but you also don't seem to have taken very much time to get to know him before you fell in love.
He's been out of his past relationship for about 3 months. Sort of out it at any rate. From where I sit, Miss Pink is right that he hasn't had time to deal with his issues and isn't likely to be ready for a heathly relationship. It is of course up to you, but why get into a realtionship with someone who seems to have a continuing relationship with someone else?
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Another, so sorry to hear your troubles, but like Miss Pink i'd say run in the other direction my friend. Your boyfriend is still on the rollercoaster and beleive me it's a long ride. My advice for what it's worth is to let him go, let him deal with his problems and get over his relationship with his xag. He is in a way an addict himself, he is an enabler, he will find it difficult to cut all ties with his ex, after 10 years of drama the crazy alcohlic behaviour is normal for him.
It doesnt mean that he is still in love with her, but he needs to get to a place in his head where he will not want any contact with her at all, it's the only way. Read all you can here we codependants seem to have our own traits and battle with detachment big style.
Mairxx
It doesnt mean that he is still in love with her, but he needs to get to a place in his head where he will not want any contact with her at all, it's the only way. Read all you can here we codependants seem to have our own traits and battle with detachment big style.
Mairxx
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We've spent a little over a month together, over the past six months. I've been aware since the beginning that he wasn't quite "done" with her, but as I said, it's not a romance thing. It's a 10 years of everything revolving around her drinking thing. (And a geek guy oblivious thing ... his take on her belongings was, "it's just stuff and I'm almost never here.")
I'm very amicable with my ex, so I understand SOME of it. But I also know that, this guy is not perfect, and obviously he let his reality get so far from normal that his "Acceptable-O-Meter" needs major recalibration.
He's a doll. I am The Queen of Boundaries. I just don't have any experience in dealing with this. And I do love him, but I WILL walk away if it becomes a thing. I feel like, he's had a tough last few years, but he's trying to deal with things.
I'm very amicable with my ex, so I understand SOME of it. But I also know that, this guy is not perfect, and obviously he let his reality get so far from normal that his "Acceptable-O-Meter" needs major recalibration.
He's a doll. I am The Queen of Boundaries. I just don't have any experience in dealing with this. And I do love him, but I WILL walk away if it becomes a thing. I feel like, he's had a tough last few years, but he's trying to deal with things.
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I should say that I am listening to the "run away!" advice, and know that it comes from experience. But is an enabler as difficult to be in a relationship with as an alcoholic? We - he - will be removed from Ms. Drama as soon as he graduates.
But if I need to say, "Her or me ... choose wisely and choose now" ... I'll do it.
But if I need to say, "Her or me ... choose wisely and choose now" ... I'll do it.
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Well, personally I know I could not feel real love for someone with such limited contact. I also know that I, some one who left a relationship with an A about 8 months ago, am not ready to even think of beginning another relationship because I amy working on my own issues, some of which involve why I was in a relationship with an A.
As I read you words (and of course they are few at this point), I see a man who is liekly to be copendent at the least, is still to some degree enabling his A, and is displaying what for me would be red flags that would make me run the other way.
Good luck to you. Just remember that if you stay in this relationship with him you will be including her to some degree or another.
As I read you words (and of course they are few at this point), I see a man who is liekly to be copendent at the least, is still to some degree enabling his A, and is displaying what for me would be red flags that would make me run the other way.
Good luck to you. Just remember that if you stay in this relationship with him you will be including her to some degree or another.
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some thoughts
I have an xabf. But at times I don't want him to be that. I loved him so very much. He had been in the "process" of separating from his wife, he did move out. He said so many nice things, he seemed OK. He wasn't drinking any more. he was "normal"
But he was NOT OK. I still loved him. he told me things he just had to do
to be nice. "I just have to spend my birthday evening with her because we always did that". I spent the night alone thinking I'd done the right thing and anxious because I didnt know if he was "going back". I loved him. He'd say "She (xwife)needs me because the roads are icy and I have a truck. I loved him. I came 2nd when I needed a ride because it was icy. I loved him.
he decided to go back to the wife and focus on his recovery. I still loved him
I accepted so many things because I loved him.
You may have to travel this road until you realize that you are just not going to get what you need.
He is unavailable and no matter how much you want that to be different it isnt. Love doesn't change him, it can become a chain for you as you ignore your own needs. But I love him - is a denial mechanism so you don't have to face the pain of separation. Sure you'll think he will change. Please read more post in these groups and you may recognize yourself and perhaps see some common patterns. Sure, each circumstance is unique but there are patterns. Don't be fooled (as I was) that things are different for you because he really "isn't exactly like that"
My hurt is fresh, only a couple of weeks since separation which he initiated.
But I lived with excuses for over 9 months I gave up many things for him because I loved him. It hurts really badly at the moment.
If you can give yourself some space, think about your needs and what YOU want. Once you start down the slippery slope of accepting his excuses its hard to come back and its a world of pain to get out.
I agree with Miss Pink here.
It maybe a gift that you are separated by geography. Take the time for yourself if he really wants to be with you let him deal with his past first.
V
But he was NOT OK. I still loved him. he told me things he just had to do
to be nice. "I just have to spend my birthday evening with her because we always did that". I spent the night alone thinking I'd done the right thing and anxious because I didnt know if he was "going back". I loved him. He'd say "She (xwife)needs me because the roads are icy and I have a truck. I loved him. I came 2nd when I needed a ride because it was icy. I loved him.
he decided to go back to the wife and focus on his recovery. I still loved him
I accepted so many things because I loved him.
You may have to travel this road until you realize that you are just not going to get what you need.
He is unavailable and no matter how much you want that to be different it isnt. Love doesn't change him, it can become a chain for you as you ignore your own needs. But I love him - is a denial mechanism so you don't have to face the pain of separation. Sure you'll think he will change. Please read more post in these groups and you may recognize yourself and perhaps see some common patterns. Sure, each circumstance is unique but there are patterns. Don't be fooled (as I was) that things are different for you because he really "isn't exactly like that"
My hurt is fresh, only a couple of weeks since separation which he initiated.
But I lived with excuses for over 9 months I gave up many things for him because I loved him. It hurts really badly at the moment.
If you can give yourself some space, think about your needs and what YOU want. Once you start down the slippery slope of accepting his excuses its hard to come back and its a world of pain to get out.
I agree with Miss Pink here.
It maybe a gift that you are separated by geography. Take the time for yourself if he really wants to be with you let him deal with his past first.
V
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Thank you. I think he's trying to put his life back together. I have no intention of making any sacrifices with my life, and I am (perhaps too) good at putting myself first. The things I've asked of him, he's done. This next visit is a test. If her stuff is there, ANY of her stuff, I won't stay. And I won't move in with him for a trial run, and he can graduate and then he can come to me or not, que sera. I've never suffered a shortage of gentleman callers, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
He was in therapy for about six months after she moved out. I haven't asked him the sort of insights he got, but perhaps it's time for that. I'm thinking seriously about saying something along the lines of, "I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. And if I'm in a relationship with you, and you're in a relationship with her, while she's drinking ... then I'm in a relationship with an active alcoholic."
She's going back into rehab next week. I don't know her, but I wish her well, for his sake and for hers. But as I've told him, it's not my problem, and it's really not his, either.
He was in therapy for about six months after she moved out. I haven't asked him the sort of insights he got, but perhaps it's time for that. I'm thinking seriously about saying something along the lines of, "I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. And if I'm in a relationship with you, and you're in a relationship with her, while she's drinking ... then I'm in a relationship with an active alcoholic."
She's going back into rehab next week. I don't know her, but I wish her well, for his sake and for hers. But as I've told him, it's not my problem, and it's really not his, either.
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Another (()) i really really feel for you, you ask is an enabler as difficult to be in a relationship with as an alcoholic? My answer would be yes. You see as long as the enabler is still enabling the alcoholic we are as ill and crazy as they are.(that is me if I were still with my xab). Ive separated from my a about 2 months ago, my heart left the relationship about 6 months, it takes time, and help. Has your boyfriend had any councelling or been to Alonon? mabye he would benefit from a site like this.
I'll be honest with you, if i were to start a relationship with anyone at this time, im afraid that person would be wasting his time, I would use him to boost my self confidence, lonliness, he would be a stepping stone to make me feel better, (sounds like an alcoholic doesnt it!!) for that reason i am working on my issues before i let myself love again and hurt someone's feelings.
I hope that in time i will find the love of my life, and who knows maby in time your boyfriend will be in a much better position to have a healthy relationship with you.
Mair xxxx
I'll be honest with you, if i were to start a relationship with anyone at this time, im afraid that person would be wasting his time, I would use him to boost my self confidence, lonliness, he would be a stepping stone to make me feel better, (sounds like an alcoholic doesnt it!!) for that reason i am working on my issues before i let myself love again and hurt someone's feelings.
I hope that in time i will find the love of my life, and who knows maby in time your boyfriend will be in a much better position to have a healthy relationship with you.
Mair xxxx
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No, no I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. She moved out the previous November, in 2006. They have not been living together for more than a year.
Last edited by AnotherAnais; 03-02-2008 at 06:28 AM. Reason: Bad grammar. BAD!
Its_me_jen
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I'm not sure any of this has to do with the fact that his ex is an alcoholic. He's still attached to someone he loved/loves. Simple as that. May he's just not ready to let go of her. I'd be careful if I were you.
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Interesting, PaperDolls. I'm not a particularly jealous person, so I don't mind the attachment so much as (what I see as) his allowing himself to be manipulated. And that seems to be alcohol-related, which gives it an "excuse."
He has lived for a long time in a very unhealthy relationship.
He has lived for a long time in a very unhealthy relationship.
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Hi,
He obviously isn't dne with her and you'll be sucked into the drama. My humble opinion don't waste your precious time.
Ngaire
He obviously isn't dne with her and you'll be sucked into the drama. My humble opinion don't waste your precious time.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by AnotherAnais 
Hi,
I'm new here, and would appreciate some advice while I'm catching up in the forums. I don't know much about alcoholics, but my new lover was in a 10-year relationship with a woman who is in and out of rehab. He says that she started as a "normal" drinker and over the course of their relationship progressed to about a liter of vodka a day.
We have a long-distance relationship (I'm an expat in Asia, he's in the States) but I plan to return this summer and live with him for 6 months until he finishes his graduate work. Plans are to return here if things work out between us.
Mark asked "Bonnie" to move out last November, after multiple relapses. At the time, he said he hoped the shock would be the "hitting bottom" that she needed, that she'd sober up and that they'd reconcile. She moved to a tiny apartment, but left most of her stuff with him. And proceeded to continue drinking. She says he's a "trigger" whatever that means. He thinks he is, too. He said "it's completely over" early last summer, before he met me. But he let her keep her things at the condo, with the thought that he'd sell when he graduates and then she'd move. He continued to be friends with her, to give her rides, to attend AA meetings with her.
So now I'm on the scene, she knows he's seeing someone, I'll be there in 10 days for a 2 week visit and I WILL turn around if her stuff is not OUT. Each time they've set a date to split up stuff and move her (he's helping!), she gets drunk. He's a "nice guy." I'd have had her **** on the curb, for her picking up enjoyment.
I guess I foresee that she will continue to manipulate him as long as she can. But I wonder if there's any way that I can support HIM, and I guess I also worry a little bit if this is normal, how much he still lets her jerk him around. Full Disclosure: I am 100% sure that their "romantic" relationship is DEAD. And he's crazy about me. (As he should be.)
Thanks.
I'm new here, and would appreciate some advice while I'm catching up in the forums. I don't know much about alcoholics, but my new lover was in a 10-year relationship with a woman who is in and out of rehab. He says that she started as a "normal" drinker and over the course of their relationship progressed to about a liter of vodka a day.
We have a long-distance relationship (I'm an expat in Asia, he's in the States) but I plan to return this summer and live with him for 6 months until he finishes his graduate work. Plans are to return here if things work out between us.
Mark asked "Bonnie" to move out last November, after multiple relapses. At the time, he said he hoped the shock would be the "hitting bottom" that she needed, that she'd sober up and that they'd reconcile. She moved to a tiny apartment, but left most of her stuff with him. And proceeded to continue drinking. She says he's a "trigger" whatever that means. He thinks he is, too. He said "it's completely over" early last summer, before he met me. But he let her keep her things at the condo, with the thought that he'd sell when he graduates and then she'd move. He continued to be friends with her, to give her rides, to attend AA meetings with her.
So now I'm on the scene, she knows he's seeing someone, I'll be there in 10 days for a 2 week visit and I WILL turn around if her stuff is not OUT. Each time they've set a date to split up stuff and move her (he's helping!), she gets drunk. He's a "nice guy." I'd have had her **** on the curb, for her picking up enjoyment.
I guess I foresee that she will continue to manipulate him as long as she can. But I wonder if there's any way that I can support HIM, and I guess I also worry a little bit if this is normal, how much he still lets her jerk him around. Full Disclosure: I am 100% sure that their "romantic" relationship is DEAD. And he's crazy about me. (As he should be.)
Thanks.
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Love won't change the unhealthiness of the situation, don't give your power away because you are in love with someone.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by AnotherAnais
Thank you for your honesty. The thing is ... I'm in love with him.
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I think the fact that he still caters to her (in any way, shape or form) is a serious red flag. Codependents have as much trouble leaving their drug of choice (the alcoholic), as the alcoholic has leaving theirs (the bottle). He has made attempts at removing her from his life and moving on (by connecting with you). Yet, he continues to concern himself with her well-being and recovery. That's what codependents do -- they take care of other people and try to fix their problems. He takes her to AA meetings (even though he is not the alcoholic). Trust me... he is way too involved with her. He does not need to do this. She can catch rides with any of the other AA members -- my RAH gives rides to others all the time.
Her stuff may be out of his apartment when you arrive, but this attachment is much stronger than mere tangible items. Until he is ready for the no-contact commitment, she will always be the third person in your relationship.
I predict that you are convinced your situation is different. Your BF is different. You are stronger than the rest of us at resisting this "call of the siren." Not so, my friend. You have already stated that you are "in love with him." It's just a matter of time before you will be posting on this board every day, just like the rest of us. We all share one thing in common... we have a connection to someone who is (or has been) involved with alcohol.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Our words and warnings may sting, or even offend you. This is not our intention. If you insist on pursuing this relationship, then be sure to read the other posts and the stickies. Keep posting. I think you will find that we are going to be your new best friends.
Her stuff may be out of his apartment when you arrive, but this attachment is much stronger than mere tangible items. Until he is ready for the no-contact commitment, she will always be the third person in your relationship.
I predict that you are convinced your situation is different. Your BF is different. You are stronger than the rest of us at resisting this "call of the siren." Not so, my friend. You have already stated that you are "in love with him." It's just a matter of time before you will be posting on this board every day, just like the rest of us. We all share one thing in common... we have a connection to someone who is (or has been) involved with alcohol.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Our words and warnings may sting, or even offend you. This is not our intention. If you insist on pursuing this relationship, then be sure to read the other posts and the stickies. Keep posting. I think you will find that we are going to be your new best friends.
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Thank you. I'm not remotely offended. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't seeking knowledge and wisdom.
He stopped attending AA meetings with her about five months ago, when, he said, that the people in AA were treating them as a couple who still needed to be fixed. He tells me, and I like this analogy, that I am seeing things through a keyhole. On this, because of the geographic situation, he is correct. But I am already beginning to pull back. Because I am NOT an alcoholic, and my lover is NOT an alcoholic, yet I'm on a message board for alcoholics and the people who love them. This is a huge red flag for me. It will resolve, and soon, or I'll end the relationship.
You guys seem very nice but I don't want you to be my new best friends, I hope that's taken in the spirit in which it's intended. Which is a spirit of deep gratitude, for your time and your advice.
He stopped attending AA meetings with her about five months ago, when, he said, that the people in AA were treating them as a couple who still needed to be fixed. He tells me, and I like this analogy, that I am seeing things through a keyhole. On this, because of the geographic situation, he is correct. But I am already beginning to pull back. Because I am NOT an alcoholic, and my lover is NOT an alcoholic, yet I'm on a message board for alcoholics and the people who love them. This is a huge red flag for me. It will resolve, and soon, or I'll end the relationship.
You guys seem very nice but I don't want you to be my new best friends, I hope that's taken in the spirit in which it's intended. Which is a spirit of deep gratitude, for your time and your advice.
Its_me_jen
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Originally Posted by AnotherAnais
But I am already beginning to pull back. Because I am NOT an alcoholic, and my lover is NOT an alcoholic, yet I'm on a message board for alcoholics and the people who love them.
To me, either he's ready to move on or not.
If he's spending so much energy on her how could he possibly be ready to be in love with and move in with a new girlfriend? I'm convinced this has nothing to do with her problems.
But, that's just me.
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