The elephant is getting stinky
JoieDeVivre
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 4
The elephant is getting stinky
Hi,
I actually joined awhile ago but never posted. My husband is an alcoholic. He's always been a drinker but for the past few years has steadily gotten worse. He goes through a 30 pack of beer every couple days. He's a very functional alcoholic. Doesn't get mean or abusive or fall-down drunk.
It's really starting to affect him physically. He's usually sleeping in the family room soon after dinner or goes off to bed early. But then is up in the middle of the night. He says he just can't sleep through the night. I think it's because he's got to have another drink. He drives a lot for his job and drinks during the day. I see him leave in the morning with a plastic grocery bag with a few cans in it. Lately he's been complaining of numbness in his hands.
Last May he was in an accident while on his motorcycle. He was with a woman he was having an affair with. The affair is over, but he's looking at DWI and a felony charge for injuring someone while DWI (the other woman). He has yet to go to court (except for initial indictment, which they did without even telling him or his lawyer). The jurisdiction where this happened is understaffed seemingly very disorganized. Husband has a lawyer and they have yet to receive any disocovery from the prosecutor, which is one reason it keeps getting postponed. It's unbelievable that it's been 9 months and nothing has happened. To make matters worse (could get they any worse?), the other woman had no health insurance and racked up over $100,000 in medical bills. I'm worried that may be declared his responsibility.
After getting over his affair, and trying to get our relationship back on track, I'm at the point where I can not ignore the elephant in the room -- his drinking problem. Although the DWI and whatever it may bring is anguishing, there is one part of me realizes he will at least be getting some sort of help with his problem. He broke the law and has to pay the consequences. Although if it's jail for any amount of time, I'll have to sell our home because I can't afford it on my own.
We have a 14 year old daughter. This is taking it's toll on her. I can see her respect for her father fading away. She can be very snippy with him. A few weeks ago the two of them had a big blow-up. She does well in school but a recent progress report showed she as an E in one class. He was on her about that and she said he had no right to lecture her about responsibility and right from wrong. I tried to tell him it was because of the drinking but he didn't hear me. He turned it around to "everything is all my fault because I drink."
She was obviously very depressed at dinner tonight and when he asked her what was wrong she began crying. She said why can't you get help? If you don't stop drinking you're going to get another DWI and then you'll be in even worse trouble than you are now. His reaction? He thanked her for being honest. She left the table. He got up, put his dishes in the sink, then got himself another beer.
Me? I just don't know what to do. I know I'm falling into depression. I feel like my hands are bound with concrete. But I'm so filled with despair and hopelessness. I love him but I'm so overwhelmed at the mess he's made. He's been to an AA meeting or two but I think it was just for show. He has made no attempt to stop drinking. However, I know he's doing to need professional assistance to do that at this point.
I wanted to keep this short, but it's a rather messy situation. Like I said, I joined months ago, but have done a pretty good job at ignoring the elephant in the room, but it's getting pretty stinky and taking it's toll on me and my daughter...
Thanks
I actually joined awhile ago but never posted. My husband is an alcoholic. He's always been a drinker but for the past few years has steadily gotten worse. He goes through a 30 pack of beer every couple days. He's a very functional alcoholic. Doesn't get mean or abusive or fall-down drunk.
It's really starting to affect him physically. He's usually sleeping in the family room soon after dinner or goes off to bed early. But then is up in the middle of the night. He says he just can't sleep through the night. I think it's because he's got to have another drink. He drives a lot for his job and drinks during the day. I see him leave in the morning with a plastic grocery bag with a few cans in it. Lately he's been complaining of numbness in his hands.
Last May he was in an accident while on his motorcycle. He was with a woman he was having an affair with. The affair is over, but he's looking at DWI and a felony charge for injuring someone while DWI (the other woman). He has yet to go to court (except for initial indictment, which they did without even telling him or his lawyer). The jurisdiction where this happened is understaffed seemingly very disorganized. Husband has a lawyer and they have yet to receive any disocovery from the prosecutor, which is one reason it keeps getting postponed. It's unbelievable that it's been 9 months and nothing has happened. To make matters worse (could get they any worse?), the other woman had no health insurance and racked up over $100,000 in medical bills. I'm worried that may be declared his responsibility.
After getting over his affair, and trying to get our relationship back on track, I'm at the point where I can not ignore the elephant in the room -- his drinking problem. Although the DWI and whatever it may bring is anguishing, there is one part of me realizes he will at least be getting some sort of help with his problem. He broke the law and has to pay the consequences. Although if it's jail for any amount of time, I'll have to sell our home because I can't afford it on my own.
We have a 14 year old daughter. This is taking it's toll on her. I can see her respect for her father fading away. She can be very snippy with him. A few weeks ago the two of them had a big blow-up. She does well in school but a recent progress report showed she as an E in one class. He was on her about that and she said he had no right to lecture her about responsibility and right from wrong. I tried to tell him it was because of the drinking but he didn't hear me. He turned it around to "everything is all my fault because I drink."
She was obviously very depressed at dinner tonight and when he asked her what was wrong she began crying. She said why can't you get help? If you don't stop drinking you're going to get another DWI and then you'll be in even worse trouble than you are now. His reaction? He thanked her for being honest. She left the table. He got up, put his dishes in the sink, then got himself another beer.
Me? I just don't know what to do. I know I'm falling into depression. I feel like my hands are bound with concrete. But I'm so filled with despair and hopelessness. I love him but I'm so overwhelmed at the mess he's made. He's been to an AA meeting or two but I think it was just for show. He has made no attempt to stop drinking. However, I know he's doing to need professional assistance to do that at this point.
I wanted to keep this short, but it's a rather messy situation. Like I said, I joined months ago, but have done a pretty good job at ignoring the elephant in the room, but it's getting pretty stinky and taking it's toll on me and my daughter...
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'm so glad you posted. Reading your story,I was struck by many similarities in our "stories";things I had forgotten.........probably tried to put out of my mind. Especially the parts involving your daughter. We are going thru another "round" of this "responsibility talk" now,too between exAH and son. It is heartbreaking and oh,so frustrating.
Reading and posting here has helped me so much,and let me figure things out at my own pace. I hope you will stick around with us;lots of great people who are gracious enough to share their own experience,strength,and hope.
*hugs to you*
Reading and posting here has helped me so much,and let me figure things out at my own pace. I hope you will stick around with us;lots of great people who are gracious enough to share their own experience,strength,and hope.
*hugs to you*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Taking care of your kids is sometimes the motivator we need to say "NO MORE" to alchohol. This is a VERY serious situation, in case you aren't realizing that yourself. It's easier sometimes for us to bury our heads in the sand than to admit that sh*t-- WHAT am I waiting for? For things to get worse, I guess was the way I thought back then. But to have our own teenagers witness the drunkenness, for them to feel the digust and shame that we do, is not right. That was my catalyst to change, truly. I couldn't do it for me, but I SURE COULD for my kids. I knew exactly when that point hit, and I acted fairly immediately (the next morning when he was sober). I had given several verbal warnings before that, but that last night was IT for me. I think it is time to have a talk with your daughter, let her know YOU aren't going to allow YOUR daughter to be put through any more of her father's abuse, and make a plan.
I wouldn't hesitate. The timing is just critical in the life of a budding teenage girl.
I'm not usually this blunt, Mixed Up. And I am NOT saying that you aren't doing the best you can. I am saying that I remember being the mother who let it go on and on because I was so confused by the whole madness. But the "Do it for the Kids" moment really helped me act, and act swiftly to make it STOP. It woke me up to how ridiculous my life had become and how much worse it could get, so I jumped ship. Life has been so much more joyous for my daughter since. Not without its ups and downs with knowing her father is an alcoholic and sometimes relapses. But staying away from it and being allowed to enjoy life in spite of it was my gift to my girl, and she's blossoming still.
I wouldn't hesitate. The timing is just critical in the life of a budding teenage girl.
I'm not usually this blunt, Mixed Up. And I am NOT saying that you aren't doing the best you can. I am saying that I remember being the mother who let it go on and on because I was so confused by the whole madness. But the "Do it for the Kids" moment really helped me act, and act swiftly to make it STOP. It woke me up to how ridiculous my life had become and how much worse it could get, so I jumped ship. Life has been so much more joyous for my daughter since. Not without its ups and downs with knowing her father is an alcoholic and sometimes relapses. But staying away from it and being allowed to enjoy life in spite of it was my gift to my girl, and she's blossoming still.
Last edited by peaceteach; 02-29-2008 at 06:13 PM. Reason: to add a pillow to my post :)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
We are not supposed to interfere or try to fix their messes. But most times, their messes affect everyone else around them, so it is very hard to follow this "rule." I struggled with this constantly -- especially the fear of losing my home, if anything ever happened to him. My husband is an alcoholic. It is what it is. I was standing in the middle of it with my eyes wide open. For this reason, I have had to accept my share of the blame and responsibility for how my life was. He would not have had this power over me (and my life), if I had not given it to him. Your post has helped me see this.
Welcome to the group. Keep posting.
Welcome to the group. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
That was my catalyst to change, truly. I couldn't do it for me, but I SURE COULD for my kids.
I was with exAH 30yr and I am starting not to know this man at all.......behavior and thinking that is completely foreign to the man he was years ago before the drinking really got going. It still shocks me sometimes.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Your title brought out some thoughts in me.
The elephant is getting stinky
The elephant in the room has always been stinky.
We just may have always been cleaning up after it before.
Your taking notice that there is a stink is saying that you are seeing what is what and not in a denial.
Motorcycle ins. in most areas don't allow PIP(personal injury protection)for the operator but you can get PIP for a passenger. If no PIP, you set yourself up for being sued for any and all damages. He could be in for a world of hurt coming down on him. He is lucky to be alive. They both are.
You need look out for "you" and your daughter's needs. He will need deal with his drinking issues. His choices would be to seek solutions or continue doing what he is doing.
Your best choice would be to gear up and put more thought towards your needs at this time.. He can join you in finding solutions or he can continue as is...that is his choice....you need make your choices for you and your daughter.
Al Anon meetings are a great source of answers and support. Give them some thought.
The elephant is getting stinky
The elephant in the room has always been stinky.
We just may have always been cleaning up after it before.
Your taking notice that there is a stink is saying that you are seeing what is what and not in a denial.
Motorcycle ins. in most areas don't allow PIP(personal injury protection)for the operator but you can get PIP for a passenger. If no PIP, you set yourself up for being sued for any and all damages. He could be in for a world of hurt coming down on him. He is lucky to be alive. They both are.
You need look out for "you" and your daughter's needs. He will need deal with his drinking issues. His choices would be to seek solutions or continue doing what he is doing.
Your best choice would be to gear up and put more thought towards your needs at this time.. He can join you in finding solutions or he can continue as is...that is his choice....you need make your choices for you and your daughter.
Al Anon meetings are a great source of answers and support. Give them some thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and Welcome! I'm sorry you are going through so much.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. It was very difficult for me and my two sisters. My father was abusive physically and emotionally. I can honestly say the emotional is worse. This was the main reason my mom packed us up and moved us 2000 miles away. It was difficult as we lived pay check to pay check with her, but all three of us are so thankful she got us away from him and into a happier life.
I hope you find some peace here!
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. It was very difficult for me and my two sisters. My father was abusive physically and emotionally. I can honestly say the emotional is worse. This was the main reason my mom packed us up and moved us 2000 miles away. It was difficult as we lived pay check to pay check with her, but all three of us are so thankful she got us away from him and into a happier life.
I hope you find some peace here!
JoieDeVivre
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 4
Hope everyone is having a good morning. The sun is shining here. It's good to see it, it's been a dismal winter...
Thanks for the replies. I have not given him any warnings. I thought he would have to face his problem because of the DWI. I thought that was going to solve the problem. But the court dates keep getting postponed, and he's not doing a thing. If anything it's made him drink more because I know he's worried sick.
I think my first step is to talk with him, and start giving him those warnings. It's hard to do and I'll have to work up my courage. I realize that a few words from me is not going to make him stop drinking but up until now all I've made are a few comments here and there.
I know the elephant has always stunk, but I've chosen to turn my head and not smell it. But I'm beginning to realize I can't ignore it any longer, especially with our daughter. She's a great kid and of course I love her more than anything.
Peace, I don't mind your bluntness. You are so right about being confused by the whole madness. Sometimes I just want to scream, HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME! But for our daughter to be feeling disgust and shame for her father breaks my heart. He refuses to see that her sometimes sh!tty attitude toward him is his fault.
Yes, other woman could be covered under PIP. But the amount will not cover her entire medical expenses and it's only awarded if he is not found not at fault of the accident. Right now that isn't looking too favorable. They say traffic slowed down and they were tapped in the rear by a tractor trailer. Unfortunately, no one saw it and accident reconstruction is vague.
M.U.M.
Thanks for the replies. I have not given him any warnings. I thought he would have to face his problem because of the DWI. I thought that was going to solve the problem. But the court dates keep getting postponed, and he's not doing a thing. If anything it's made him drink more because I know he's worried sick.
I think my first step is to talk with him, and start giving him those warnings. It's hard to do and I'll have to work up my courage. I realize that a few words from me is not going to make him stop drinking but up until now all I've made are a few comments here and there.
I know the elephant has always stunk, but I've chosen to turn my head and not smell it. But I'm beginning to realize I can't ignore it any longer, especially with our daughter. She's a great kid and of course I love her more than anything.
Peace, I don't mind your bluntness. You are so right about being confused by the whole madness. Sometimes I just want to scream, HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME! But for our daughter to be feeling disgust and shame for her father breaks my heart. He refuses to see that her sometimes sh!tty attitude toward him is his fault.
Yes, other woman could be covered under PIP. But the amount will not cover her entire medical expenses and it's only awarded if he is not found not at fault of the accident. Right now that isn't looking too favorable. They say traffic slowed down and they were tapped in the rear by a tractor trailer. Unfortunately, no one saw it and accident reconstruction is vague.
M.U.M.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
When the elephant turds got too large to ignore, to sticky to wipe off my shoe, and began infecting my soul, I got help in Al-anon.
Amazingly, thru boudary enforcement, that stinky elephant learned to poo outside my cirle of life.
Good luck!
Amazingly, thru boudary enforcement, that stinky elephant learned to poo outside my cirle of life.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by MixedUpMess
But the court dates keep getting postponed, and he's not doing a thing. If anything it's made him drink more because I know he's worried sick.
He drank.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
When my doctor told me I needed a hysterectomy and I had to decide whether I would move forward with the procedure, a very good friend said to me:
"I don't know anyone who ever benefitted from waiting."
I've decided I can apply these words to my life with my AH as well. I knew what I had to do a long time ago, but I waited. And I did not benefit from it! Am on the right path now, but I keep thinking about how I would now be on the other side of all this pain if I had just acted earlier.
"I don't know anyone who ever benefitted from waiting."
I've decided I can apply these words to my life with my AH as well. I knew what I had to do a long time ago, but I waited. And I did not benefit from it! Am on the right path now, but I keep thinking about how I would now be on the other side of all this pain if I had just acted earlier.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by MixedUpMess
I think my first step is to talk with him, and start giving him those warnings. It's hard to do and I'll have to work up my courage. I realize that a few words from me is not going to make him stop drinking but up until now all I've made are a few comments here and there.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
My best that I can share with you is Alanon meets for you mom...maybe take your daughter with you...there is also alateen meetings...the best part is you can do this right away...if you are ready...and work on what decisions to make after that...having something concrete and constructive to do seems to help me sometimes. Also...there are several people here who have sought recovery through therapy alone or with alanon...coda ect...you have choices...just keep reaching out for support...we are always here...the sticky posts are full of great information....just post if you have any questions...I know you can find some tools that will help you if you are ready.
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics...so your comments about your daughter caught my eye.
My mom chose to stay with my dad...but a really great thing happened...she extended the hand of her aa recovery to me...she brought me to alanon meetings...for that I will always be grateful...I choose to never live with an alcoholic/addict. Mom chose to stay with one...we each made our own decisions.
As an adult, I am now involved with adult children of alcoholics...another great recovery group...so there are many options for your daughter.
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics...so your comments about your daughter caught my eye.
My mom chose to stay with my dad...but a really great thing happened...she extended the hand of her aa recovery to me...she brought me to alanon meetings...for that I will always be grateful...I choose to never live with an alcoholic/addict. Mom chose to stay with one...we each made our own decisions.
As an adult, I am now involved with adult children of alcoholics...another great recovery group...so there are many options for your daughter.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The elephant may be getting stinky, but the codie is mighty stinky, too. When I let my partner routinely crap on me he began to mistake me for an out house.
I set the standards for the way people treat me. When I accept alcoholism, infidelity, and possible financial ruin I send out a clear message to others that it's OK if they sh*t on me.
I set the standards for the way people treat me. When I accept alcoholism, infidelity, and possible financial ruin I send out a clear message to others that it's OK if they sh*t on me.
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