DESIGNER

I just need to vent. I am moving now on Saturday and I have a week to do it in. Paying a little more money to do that but oh well it needs to be done. The exabf and the ex roommate are moving on saturday(into the same place) and I asked the exabf if possibly while he has all the guys over if he could help with moving some of the heavier items that my girlfriends and I can't move. My new place is literally 1 minute away....same apartment complex....no stairs. He said yeah he could possibly do that but he is not sure b/c said may not have enough time.
He just sounded annoyed and I asked him why he was acting like it was such a huge inconvenience. Told him if it wasn't for him doing this that we would not be moving and after all I have been through with him why can't he just help me with this stuff? He says that he is just sick of this and wants it to be over....meaning our relationship.

I am so mad right now and hurt. I have literally been so inconvenienced so many times through this relationship and I ask him for a favor and he treats me like I have no importance and that I am nothing to him.

What happened.....How is it possible for someone to at one point care so much about you to basically worrying all about himself and not me.

I have thought about moving guys but I priced them and man they are expensive....plus my girlfriends are going to help and so I just need help with the big items.


Just him being that way right now makes me think how happy I am to be getting out of this selfish relationship. He only thinks of himself and that has been like that most of our relationship....not just with me only....his family and his friends also. God I am so mad that I ever fell for him.

I hope that I can see more light soon.......a little is peaking its way through.

Barbara52

I'm not surprsied that he doesn't want to help you. Unfortunate but that's just the way it is.

As for help with heavy stuff, consider asking at the local high school or something like that if any teens might want to earn a few bucks. If you know any teens, even better. Or put an add up in your local store or something along those line. Or check craigs list.

prodigal

He's doing what A's do. I would suggest, as Barb said, that you find someone else to help you move the heavy items. A's are self-serving and extraordinarily selfish. There's nothing in it for him to help you move your stuff. Since he has inconvenienced you so many times during the relationship, this latest behavior should not surprise you. He's being consistent; consistently selfish, that is.

Be very, very glad you are getting this man out of your life.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you are hurting. It would be a good idea to find help elsewhere (even a resident in the apartment complex could help you...ask around).

A's are very selfish. It feels really good to be able to say, "ok...whatever" when they act like that. I truly think they do some of the things they do specifically to upset the other person. If you do get upset, it's like they won. I think they get some kind of perverse thrill out of messing with other people's emotions. It makes them feel powerful. I try not to give my A son the satisfaction of knowing whether or not I'm upset with his antics. "Whatever" is my favorite attitude when it comes to him.

FormerDoormat

This type of behavior is how I used to invite drama into my life. I'd ask my partner to do me a favor. He'd say yes (albiet somewhat begrugingly). Even though he'd initially been agreeable, I just couldn't leave well enough alone. I didn't like the way that he responded, so I'd unleash my fury on him. And while he was initially agreeable, after my little tirade he'd be angry (and rightfully so) and was no longer willing to help me out. Then, of course, I'd claim that my inability to get the task accomplished was all his fault.

Learning to see the part I routinely played in the problem was a huge breakthrough for me.

DESIGNER

Well that is the thing he said that he could do it at first and then went on to say that maybe he could do it.....if they have enough time. I just look at it as I have done a hell of a lot for this apartment....Between him and the roommate I was always the one to pay the bills, take the trash out and just clean up after them. The exroommate basically said a while back that he considered me more of a friend then the ex....b/c of his drinking and said that he would never live with either of us b/c we are both important to him. Well he turned his back on that statement and is moving in with the ex. i just think that they could cut me a freaking break and once they are done with moving a few items then they can be done with me and don't ever have to see me again.

Grhhh I am sorry.....I know that I probably should not have reacted the way I did but jeez can't he just have a little compassion?

As far as finding others to help......I do have that but it is just the fact that there are some heavier items and I know that they can do it .....have done it before and i don't see why it is such a huge deal.

I just want a little respect and I think that I deserve at least that.

LaTeeDa

You're talking about an active alcoholic, right?

Barbara52

You certainly do deserve respect but you already know you aren't going to get it from him.

DESIGNER

Yeah I guess I am. It is just so hard being on the recieving end of this. I just think so differently then him. If the tables where turned I would want to help that person out....I would feel that that is the least that I could do for them.

I have actually in the past hour a husband of one of my friends to help me. He is the perfect example of how a husband should be. He offered to help me as I was talking with my friend on the phone.

LaTeeDa

I find I get much better results when I ask for help from sane people.

L

nowinsituation

Designer -- Back in the old days when we used to recruit friends to help us move, we would offer them all the beer they could drink. Hmmm -- that kind of says something about the friends we had???? Seriously, I hear what you are saying. How can they "pretend" the don't even care that we are gone; or are the pretending, or do they just not care? But -- why do we care anymore?? Someday we will get far enough along that it won't bother us. We'll never understand, but we really won't care anymore!

aztchr

Someone kept telling me my exabf was an ex for a reason.
When dealing with an active A, there is no rationalizing or reasoning.
Take care of yourself without his help. He's an ex for a reason.

shakarris

Hugs to you Designer.. I know it is hard - my STBX moved out of our place last Sat ... YEAH - yup he moved into the other side of our duplex BOOO
I am leaving here next month for my own space so only have one month next to him.

He had asked one of his buddies to come and help him move his bed, couch etc. My things have been down in the basement in the TV room. He tells me he will have his things out by Sat afternoon and then I can get somebody or hire movers or whatever to move my stuff up from the basement HUH you and your friend cannot just bring up my couch once yours is out.. NOPE he says he does not care how I do it but he is not going to be a part of helping me. okey dokey jerk, So when I saw his friend i just casually asked if he would help me bring up my couch while he was here - no problem

I spent two hours helping move over there - (cause I wanted to make sure none of my stuff went) they moved his furniture and then they moved up mine. Guess his buddy laid the guilt trip on him. Dont know dont care if he had not done it I would have...

It is just what they do.. it sucks and they should be ashamed of themselves but they are active in thier addiction .. and care not bit what we think or feel.

Hang in there ... it won't be long now

shakarris

DESIGNER

The exabf is going to help me.....was all along going to help me on next thursday with some stuff but it was just the moving of the big stuff that he was being a jerk about....which they are going to do on saturday.(still not very nice about it.....kind of like FINE WE WILL DO IT) I guess this post is really not about him not helping me it is just his attitude about doing it........acting like I am just the biggest inconvenience to him.
That is the thing that urks me the most about him right now....is that every conversation, every interaction, every question he seems sooooo cold toward me like we never loved each other at all. I have asked him why he is treating me so cold and he said b/c that is how he deals with things( this was his idea to breakup and not try anymore.......what is he upset about.... what is he dealing with?

I am guessing that he is acting cold to me so that he does not have to face the fact that he knows deep down what he is doing is not right..........I just wish this was not the case....... I would prefer our last couple of days together to be better then this. I am so confused..............I do get my new apartment today at 11:00 .......so excited. After tommorrow will not have to deal with any of this.

shakarris

Do not let his attitude suck you into these feelings although I know its hard. If his attitude & general being was different you would not be headed where you are

enjoy your new place and your serenity there

shakarris

LaTeeDa

The question is not why you are such a big inconvenience to him--it's obvious. (To me, at least) You get in the way of his drinking. That's a huge inconvenience for an alcoholic.

The question is why do you want so much for him to be happy and nice about it. Why does it mean so much to you?

L

denny57

This thinking process got me into more trouble than I can recall over the years. Today, it's "he's acting cold" end of story. I don't want to figure out the whys of someone's treatment of me, if I don't like it, I move on.

I can not guess anyone else's motivations - it's hard enough sometimes figuring out my own.

DESIGNER

I guess I would just like to see a little compassion in his voice and in his eyes. I have been there for him and he has always told me that I know him better then anyone ever has. We just used to be so close.......and it just breaks my heart. This is the first time for someone to treat me like this. I have a ton of friends that I have had since I was little and I have never lost anyone like this.

I think that maybe he is being like this for my sake somewhat....so it will be easier on me to move on. He keeps saying....." Have you ever thought that maybe I am doing this to protect you?" I just don't know if that is truly the reason though which bothers me. I guess this whole relationship has been a guessing game with him so I shouldn't be that shocked.

Well gotta go....feeling pretty good today.....but yet I haven't seen or talked with him today. He is coming home soon to pack up things and I am packing right now........god this sucks but at the same time I am kind of excited. Only 1.5 hrs till I can go and get the keys for my new place!!!!!!!!

denny57

See my previous post.

It isn't about HIM. So you knew HIM better than anyone. Guess he didn't know YOU all that well or he'd know you don't want to be treated this way.

I heard this crap from AH all the time - and that's what it was. It's manipulation, hooking, whatever one wants to call it. Bottom line - it was MY believing it, accepting it, etc. that needed examining. Why on god's green earth did I want that for my life?

I'd suggest stop worrying about why he is doing what he is doing; his reasons for it; anything that has to do with HIM. Everything changed for me when I made it about ME.

Miss Pink

Id like to see Home Depot start selling some delicious chocolate truffles....but they dont.

hardware stores dont sell sweets, and alcoholics dont provide compassion, empathy, love.....and on and on and on.

To expect them too is to develop a great deal of self inflicted pain.

Go to the proper venue for the love and compassion (and moving assistance) you need.

To expect, is to suffer.