Pajarito

You state it very well. My therapist compared me to Sleeping Beauty. . .hee-hee.

cmc

LTD,
This thread is very thought provoking and helpful. I think it's great that you have become so aware of what you are best suited for!
I had a similar 'aha' moment about deciding not to work for awhile. Without my recovery program in place it's very unlikely that I would have had the courage needed to make needed changes in my life.
Sounds like 'wisdom to know the difference' to me!
It's pretty obvious that many codependent people are drawn to situations where there are opportunities to feed that drive....however, once I know better I do have choices to adapt or seek something better. It will be interesting to see where you land!

hope2bhappy

I've been caretaking and enabling MY bozos for 21 years. I will be eligible for retirement in about 4 more. No... too late for me. But that's okay.

Jazzman

I'm in a similar position, but I've been so brutalized by my current employer and their philosophy of hand holding the user community to the most ridiculous extent, that I've developed a certain "angst" in my old age that has actually served me well! LOL!!!

Some folks are afraid to call me because I have in the past.... ripped into them and made them feel stupid.... But for good reason TBH, they really ARE stupid. I use to be so nice, very customer focused, very polite and patient... oh well. I guess I'll get over it. LOL!!!

Just because I sometimes deal with stupid people doesn't mean I need a new careerer. I would be hard pressed to find a career where I never have to deal with idiots. But I can still hope

Three more years and I can change careers if I so choose. I'm thinking working in a music store repairing guitars and amps... Or maybe that charter fishing business in the keys?!?! I very much look forward to figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up

LaTeeDa

Hey Jazz, good to see you around. I have some more thoughts to add, but dang it just got called to a meeting. I'll be back later to add some more. Thanks for popping by.

L

hmbld

Great thread LTD!

I am going through thoughts of a career change, but for almost the exact opposite reasons. I don't feel that my job allows me to help people enough. I find it to be completely meaningless in the grand scheme of life. I suppose I am wanting to embrace the co-dependent in me and use it for something meaningful.

I'd really like to go into the medical field. An area where my efforts show tangible results. What I'd REALLY like to do is be a zooligist and tend to animals, but not in the veterinary sense. Ahhh, to rewind the clock and do it all over again. A whole new path, different life altogether and such.

LaTeeDa

A few more thoughts on this. I suppose it has become apparent to me that I need to change "jobs." And I will either by my own choice or by being forced to. Consolidation and centralization at the state level is in the future. But since I work in government, I could actually be collecting Social Security before that happens, LOL. But lately I've been thinking that I don't just need a new "job," I need a new direction. This career was right for me for a time in my life, but it doesn't feel right to me anymore.

I'm hanging in there right now because I don't really know what that direction is. As Jazz said, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I am eligible for full retirement in 10 years, but I think if I stayed that long my soul would shrivel up and die. In five years I would be eligible for partial retirement, and that may be doable, I just don't know yet.

And it's really not dealing with "stupid" people that is killing my spirit. (I put that in quotes because I don't really believe they are stupid. As I stated before, it's not people who don't know what to do that irks me, it's people who refuse to learn, or even follow simple directions.) It's the general philosophy of the organization. I feel like a crew member on a sinking ship and that feeling troubles me more than any annoying person ever could.

Thanks to everyone who participated so far in this thread. It really helps me to clarify what I'm thinking and feeling when I have so many friends to bounce it off. And, you're right, cmc, it will be interesting to see where I land!

L

DesertEyes

When I enabled my wife I did it out of a need to control her, and force her to meet _my_ expectations of our marriage. She did _not_ want our marriage to be the way I imagined it and dug her heels in. I increased my sick behavior and it quickly spiraled out of control.

When I do stuff for the people at work I have no interest in controling them, and I allow them to be however helpless they choose to be. I have no expectations of them. They _want_ me to do for them what they could do for themselves and approve of my efforts to the point of _paying_ me for it. Neither party is "forcing" the other one.

The difference is in _me_, and how I project onto other people my needs and expectations. I _could_ expect those people to grow up and take responsibility, and start to manipulate and control events to force them to do so. But then I would be doing exactly what I did in my marriage.

I think that's a whole separate issue, regardless of whether the other people are intentionally helpless or not.

Sounds to me like standard transition from start-up to corporate. Fairly common in hi-tech.

That sounds quite healthy to me.

Getting back to your original question:

From what you've told me, it sounds like you are discussing two entirely different jobs. It's just an accident that it's the same company. It sounds to me like the way the company started was totally healthy, and the new version of the company is the unhealthy one. My impression is that you did _not_ choose your _career_ due to co-de traits, but if you choose to stay in the current situation that certainly sounds un-healthy to me.

I don't think _any_ profession is codependent. I think a codependent person can make a mess of _any_ profession. The disease of co-dependency lies within _me_, and not in the job, or the relationship.

Mike

PaperDolls

I'm going to respond to this -- I just don't have time right now but it's a great thread.

I used to work in the IT field "helping" other's with their problems. I'm now an Executive Assistant. Point being, I can see both sides of this.

I consider myself codie for sure -- but I think your job is your job and so long as you don't bring it home you're good.

I'll be back..........probably tomorrow.

LaTeeDa

I know you're right and I think I knew that would be the consensus when I started this thread.

I know I need a change, and it's not because there is something wrong with my career choice. I have changed, the job has changed, and we just don't match anymore. It is sort of eerie how that parallels my marriage, though.

L

PaperDolls

Ok, I made it back.

DesertEyes is always right on spot!

I just wanted to say: since I've worked on both sides of this I wanted to add something. Often times I have a problem that I'm capable of fixing but since I'm loaded with other duties I just don't have time to do it. In that sense, it's IT's job. Also, since our IT staff know that I have an IT background and can generally fix my own problem they don't "come to my aid" very quickly. I still enjoy the IT stuff ....... I read so many technical nerd blogs it's ridiculous! When I started working in IT I was excited for the same reasons you are (or were?) LaTeeDa. I've on held one IT position and the 2nd year I wondered if I just wasn't a people person. I was short on patience ..... it was always the same guy (or girl) asking the same question. I'd explain it in detail ....... three days later, same question. That kind of stuff drove me crazy.

Anyway, I don't know if I contributed much to this but I wanted to reply because I was having a similar conversation with a co-worker just this afternoon and it's a great thread.

I wonder if you should ask your therapist if that line of work is a bit codie? I've always wanted to be a therapist or counselor (I thought about nursing, I think I'd be good at it, but I cannot stand to see people in pain. Heck, I feel bad when I step on an ant) so I could solve all their problems. Talk about Codie with a capital "c".

I've not done much, or lets be honest, any steps towards becoming a non-codie. I think I'm the type of codie that latches onto one person and gives them ALL of me. I don't end up with anything more for anyone else, and of course and especially myself. *sigh*

You'll make the right decision if there's one to be made. It sounds to me like you enjoy your job. Of course there are parts of any job you won't like. As far as it hindering your recovery. My personal opinion, for what it's work, I think it will only be a problem if you let it be.

I wish you all the luck!

hugs,
PD

sketscher

LOL, LTD I get it! I am the same way sometimes and it is annoying. I don't consider myself exceptionally smart so when others seem less capable than me I am particularly annoyed. Unfortunately I think you're going to find those people at any job and I bet regardless of your position you'll be the dependable one and others play helpless. It happens EVERYWHERE. ahhhhhh now you got me started. Some people set a very low standard for themselves and thus no one expects much of them. We pick up the slack. At least you get a pay off for your efforts. You say you're paid well and you deserve it.

Do they offer training where you work? ie workshops to help you get along and understand others and manage your time. Sometimes it does help to remember that others simply "operate" in a different mode. You're never going to change them, no matter where you work, all you can do is change how you react to their antics.

cagefree

I too work in IT support. Recovering from codependency has changed how I am at work as well as how I am outside of work. I work less hours and am less reactive and less likely to bite someone's head off because they weren't trained properly. I'm happier and upper management noticed I've kind of "come into my own". Getting a sense of self worth helps. I think I can make any job codependent based on my approach - but I have to admit - I am REALLY good at helping others and I do feel a draw towards that kind of profession. These days I am less likely to take crap positions and will pass up better paying jobs in order to work in a position that allows me to take care of my needs.

Good thread!

LaTeeDa

I just want to say, as I did in the original post, that I know this is a trigger for me. In my marriage, my husband feigned helplessness to get me to do what he didn't want to do. I was not forcing him. If anything, he was trying to force me to rescue him. It was one of the steps in our sick dance. That's why when someone feigns helplessness at work, it triggers me. I used to be okay with it because it made me feel needed (as it did in my marriage) Now, it just makes me feel like I'm dancing the sick dance. And when I react in a healthy way--by showing them how to help themselves, it doesn't go over well. This is why I feel I am in an unhealthy environment. In a sense, I am paid to be a rescuer.

I've changed a lot in the past couple of years. When people change, it's kind of like going on a diet. Certain things just don't "fit" any more. I think that's where I'm at. My rescuer outfit doesn't fit anymore, in fact it's quite uncomfortable.

L

LaTeeDa

This would absolutely be the way to go if it were just a handful of needy people getting on my nerves. I feel confident that I can deal with difficult people when I come across them. What I cannot abide is the more troubling and deep aspect of the culture and attitude of the organization as a whole. This intentional helplessness is not limited to a few people with low self worth. It is fostered and encouraged from the top down. I suppose I could be "trained" to support that, but I really don't want to.

L

Jazzman

Ok so I was a little hard on some of my co-workers and words like "stupid" and "idiot" are indeed harsh.... for most of my co-workers that is LOL!!

My employer breeds dysfunction in the work place. I don't "fit in" either. My efforts to teach these folks how to trouble shoot communications circuits all by themselves,(which they are paid to do and are presumably qualified to do so by the way) mostly is a waist of time. Why? because they know that they can call me and get the answer easier than looking it up in the manual. Because their supervisors do not make demonstrating proficiencies of their abilities part of the performance appraisal process. Because they are allowed to take the path of least resistance and nobody holds them accountable.

Wow... I fell better now getting that off my chest! LOL!! Thanks LTD!!!
But on the other side of the coin if those folks actually did waht they were paid to do... they might not need me?!?!?

MsPINKAcres

for me personally, my codependent nature comes out EVERYWHERE - at work, at home, at the grocery store, at Wal-Mart, geez even at the car wash - when I'm cleaning my vehicle and I'm done but still have time left on the machine - I look around to see who could I motion to pull in so they could use the rest of the time!! eek!!

Sometimes this is a good thing, like helping another person by sharing a coupon for something I don't need - maybe not so good if I'm flagging down people off a major hwy to try to get them to pull into the car wash. :bounce

I have found that's when that wonderful word "BALANCE" comes into play for me.
I need balance in everything I do to keep my codependent nature at a level of healthy compassion for my fellow mankind (and animal kind).

I have 2 jobs, 1- Civil Service (ha ha ha) of course I serve the public and the other is tax professional - which is a customer service position too. I like my jobs, I just have to remind myself no matter how bad the "sob" story is - it is still ok to use balance to take care of myself.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

LaTeeDa

Glad you feel better! This thread has been very cathartic for me as well.

L

sketscher

LTD, here's a quote for you

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. -Mark Twain