Having a hard day...

Old 01-30-2008, 10:30 AM
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Having a hard day...

My kids are in school and a girl friend calls me that happened to talk with AH yesterday. He left us 10 ten days ago and he goes on to tell her that he had left me and my four children because he just couldn't live with me anymore, not in my prison. He loved me but just didn't want to be with me and it had little to do with all his drinking. Why can't he see that his disease is leading him to make these horrible choices? Why does it hurt more to think that he actually fell out of love with me after 16 years, rather than the truth that he can't accept his disease and get the help he so seriously needs. Only 10 months ago he was in rehab trying to save himself and be productive in our family. I have stuck with him through years and years of abuse and neglect and now he just walks out on me and my kids. He has surrounded hisself with divorced/single friends that live in bars and party all night. These people don't care about him or love him. They don't want what is best for him. I don't know where he is living, he has only called about the kids once. He wants to come visit with them tonight but I just can't stomach being here. Hopefully my dad can come and sit with them as they visit.
Boy, I need my ALanon meeting tonight. HELP!
Thanks,
Melissa
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:52 AM
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(((Melissa))) I know you're hurting right now. He can't see that his drinking is causing him to make all the wrong choices. When someone is in the grips of active alcoholism, it's all about the alcohol. Nothing comes before that. Hope your dad can some and you can get to your meeting. Giant hugs to you.
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:17 AM
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Melissa Sorry that you are hurting right now. Please know that it is not about you, it is about him-

I hope that your Dad can be there when he comes-not being around would probably be a good choice for you right now.

your not alone!
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:25 AM
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I am sorry you are in pain. Being away sounds like it would be helpful for you.

You might want to consider asking your friends/neighbors/whoever not to pass on the info about your AH. I know I would not find it helpful to hear the lies he is saying and would also just be hurt by it.
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:27 AM
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I am so sorry that you are hurting, I hope you can get to your meeting.

It is just the disease and not him- you know that right. I am still living at the house until I get into my new place April 1 - he is still drinking and making me nuts - came ome last night and asked me if I am ok cause I seem down:wtf2
did not say anything but fine cause i know better than to fight with a drunk -

Let me see - I am moving, losing the life I had hoped for ( but I know a better one is around the corner) - money is tight as you cannot seem to pay your share of anything - your checks all go to your fun and entertainment, your stumbling aroiund this house everyday calling me vile and vulgar names cause you think what, and I seem down

:atv this is me and he can eat my dust...

hang in there i know it is hard but we will make it through - I trust these people, they have shared thier journey - the good and the bad - they have walked many miles ahead of me.. and they made it
so will we

shakarris
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:29 AM
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melissa, sorry you are hurting now. But maybe look at this way. This is his HP working on him, he has to walk alone for a while. You need to work on your self in Alanon, And when your two paths cross again you will be in a better place and see things a whole lot different. Nothing changes if Nothing changes. You will find the strength to go on and be much better for it. Take care of your self.
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:46 AM
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(((Melissa))) I'm so sorry; sounds so much like "my story" (married 27yr/2children). My exAH said and did pretty much the same thing;eventually divorced me,OW,etc. That all happened over the past few years. Something is "happening" in him lately,it feels to me,where he is starting to get a glimpse of the reality of the situation. His "fun life" doesn't looks like it is feeling nearly as fun and some of the "ladies" might not be quite so attentive,etc. Things just are not panning out to be the way he thought they would be,etc.

For me,getting out of his way has been helpful for us both. I am trying to work on me and get recovery for myself......my self-esteem,etc really took a hit,but now I am starting to see thigs more clearly (I think ) Also,I am no longer able to be his "reason".

Have you ever read the Getting Them Sober books? They have helped me soooooo much. You can read "preview" chapters at: Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications Reading and learning about alcoholism,posting here,(meetings,therapists,etc are often helpful to some) have really helped me. I'm getting healthier and that in turn helps my kids (young adults) and ultimately,probably is the most helpful thing for exAH,too. (Like Toby Rice Drews of GTS says; "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic"). Ex and I do not discuss his drinking,etc at all any more. He has actually stopped drinking around us,now that we quit noticing and realized that "alcoholics drink". It's like he wonders if we notice or will say something,somedays.

We are going on with our day,etc and all of the sudden,he is being left behind. We don't beg him to visit,join us,etc. We include him in the invitation, but the dynamics are different. No matter what happens in the future,I think it a better way.

I understand so much the feelings you describe;I still feel that way some days,I will not lie. But learning that it is not so much personal,but rather what addiciton does (by reading story after story and hearing the same sorts of things) in some ways makes it easiers......somewhat more difficult to know it is beyond my ability to change him. But that is also when I learned to quit wasting energy on the wrong thing,and put itinto getting help and health for myself.

Hope you feel better,soon and keep posting.

hugs to you
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Old 01-30-2008, 01:52 PM
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He left us 10 ten days ago and he goes on to tell her that he had left me and my four children because he just couldn't live with me anymore, not in my prison.
I have to admit that I created a prison-like environment for my AB. At first I demanded a no-drinking environment in my home. And to enforce that policy, I policed his brief case, dresser drawers, coat pockets, closet, and more. When that didn't satisfy me, I tried to enforce a no-drinking rule outside my home as well. In short, I tried to police his life.

Perhaps your husband didn't just up and leave you and your children, perhaps he felt driven away. Alanon helped me realize that alcohol didn't destroy my relationship. My actions and choices did. It's not fair to place all the blame for a failed relationship on one party. It takes two to tango.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
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Old 01-30-2008, 02:22 PM
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Hunny they HAVE to re-write the history with us.......they just CAN NOT admit that they are at fault.....why??? Cuz thats what alcoholics do....plain and simple. Don't let it phase you one bit you owe no one any explanations. Live for yourself and the kids and let him be. Time will tell him where his prison really is......an it ain't you.

Stay strong
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Old 01-30-2008, 02:49 PM
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Janitw - Why do you suppose they have to do that - make themselves look better.. I know nobody know what goes on inside anothers mind but if I hear one more time how he gave me 25000 to go and I still am here (61 days left ) - I will scream - hell he cannot even pay his damn cell phone bill never mind come up with that kind of money.. then i get mad and try to defend instead of just walking away..

i know it does not matter, but I guess somewhere in me it still does or I would not get so mad..plus I hate that he does all this at the bar or the neighbours, I have never been one to air crap in public but that is just me I guess

shakarris
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Old 01-30-2008, 04:28 PM
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What can I say that will make you not take his words personally? Nothing....you'll need to get there on your own and hopefully with the right support and knowledge..... you will.

Whatever it takes.....just keep reminding yourself.....this is HIS addiction, not mine.....the only way he is in a good place is if he is in active recovery (every damn day) and wants to believe it, live it, love it, etc.

Otherwise, render anything he says, null and void.

I have also gained a lot of wisdom/insight from the Getting Them Sober books. You really need to try and gain a detached, almost scientific look at this disease and try to detach your emotions as much as possible. As an example, the book says.....try to envision the alcholic/alcholism as a circle. You keep one foot in and one foot out. The foot that is inside the circle is intellectual.....knows the facts, knows not to engage, etc. That is the foot that is in the circle with the A. The foot that is outside of the circle is the emotional foot. That foot is bothered by the A behavior/words, emotional, wants to help, cry, etc.

But...this foot is OUTSIDE the circle. Able to run and hide and not show itself to the A inside the circle.

Arm yourself with as much information and detachment as possible. I know this is easier said than done. My experience is with xabf, so much easier. I can run....no ties, no kids, no finances......just emotions. Much easier...I know.
Hang in there....and keep in mind, that the author of the books...Toby....is available for phone consultations if need be and $$ allows. Check out her website, getting them sober....dot com.
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Old 01-30-2008, 04:58 PM
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Shakarris........its called self preservation hunny. They have to justify why they leave. Lord knows it can't be their fault. Then they couldn't live it down. My XAH abandoned and betrayed me and his children and "his" story is: "Yup.....she took me for every thing I worked 22 yrs for..." Forget the fact that he ABANDONED everything he worked 22 yrs for. Oh noooo that would be too much for him to admit to. Someone just might think he lost his mind or something....lol And to top it off someone might just believe he cheated on his family....now just how would THAT look.....

Yup....they have issues but then so do we - if we put up with it.
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Old 01-30-2008, 04:59 PM
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Just a note Shakarris......it doesn't matter who leaves who they have their version and we have the TRUTH......go figure. Consider the source and forget it....
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Old 01-30-2008, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
IIt's not fair to place all the blame for a failed relationship on one party. It takes two to tango.

It may take two to tango, but it only takes one to walk off the dance floor.

Each situation is different.
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Old 01-30-2008, 07:23 PM
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thanks janitw - that makes sense to me - I know not to take it personal but i do have to find a way to not let him push the buttons he does still now how to push - most he knows i will just walk away but I am still learning and everyday is a nerw adventure ... guess I am meant to take it -

thank you again I appreciate your time

shakarris
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Old 01-30-2008, 08:55 PM
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Went to my meeting...

and I feel better. AH came to visit with my three boys (thank you daddy for supervising) and they were so excited to just be in his presence. My daughter chose to be away, she is having a much harder time. Keep in mind, AH left for work ten days ago, while they were at school and he never came home. She is 11 and she is so angry. I can't say I blame her at all. I am 39 and I can't figure it out either. I do know the meetings are helping me and she will be going to her second Alateen meeting next week so hopefully she will begin to learn to deal with her anger and abandonment issues too. We have a long road ahead.
I still have to pinch myself. This all seems like such a nightmare.
Thanks for the wonderful encouraging and understanding words.
Melissa
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Old 01-31-2008, 02:23 AM
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Melissa,
My oldest is also angry with his father. The younger one just asks if she will see her Daddy again. My oldest child has been heartbroken too many times. I worry about both of my kids and try to explain as best I can that Dad is very ill and cannot be here with us. It sucks,these poor kids having to deal with this. Take care and love them with all your heart.
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Old 01-31-2008, 06:30 AM
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Melissa - I am glad things are better today. one day at a time

keep strong

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