LaTeeDa

Well, great minds obviously think alike, lol. I have offered to do this, and at one time we did put together an actual training program. It was well received by the people who actually signed up for it, but percentage-wise, there was little interest. As I said, I'm figuring out that most of our staff doesn't want to learn, they just want someone to come and fix it when it doesn't work. I can't tell you how many times I have showed up at someone's desk all ready to show them a tip that will solve their problem and prevent it happening again, only to have them get up and walk away saying "I'm going on break, it's all yours." Grrrrrrrrrr.

But, I am thinking along the lines of volunteering. Maybe teaching computing classes for the local DV folks. A way to use my skills to empower other women who may actually have a desire to learn...........

Or, who knows? Keep the ideas coming!

L

hope2bhappy

Yes.

No.

Not an option this late in the game.

I think that those of us who work in a service-type career (where our primary responsibility is to assist and help others), have it much tougher when it comes to applying everything we've learned in our recovery to our daily lives. How I strive to live my personal life is such a contradiction to how I am expected (and paid) to live my work life.

LaTeeDa

Well, call me crazy, but I believe it's never too late to do what you were meant to do. I've been at this job for nearly 11 years and I'm 45, but I still think I can change careers if I want to.


This is precisely where my dissatisfaction lies. I am expected to do for people what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves, and I am scolded for trying to show them how to do it. Uhggggggg. I have no problem doing for people what they cannot do for themselves (configure a network router, maintain an enterprise database, etc.) But when I try to empower someone to help themselves with a trivial problem (like reset a UPS ), it is perceived as me trying to shirk my responsibility.

L

FormerDoormat

I think that's an excellent idea, LTD.

denny57

I agree, LTD. Volunteering is great. I also agree it's never too late to try something new. I recently bought a business in a field I have absolutely no experience in and I'm having a blast. There are many things I'd still like to try and today I feel more confident than ever that I will.

DesertEyes

Pardon me for jumping in so late here

Please correct me if I misunderstood. Are you saying that your bosses hired you to fix trivial problems, but when you try to do what _you_ want instead of what _they_ want you get scolded?

I've had a few jobs like that. _I_ knew what was good for them even if they refused to admit it. If they only did it my way instead of the way they had always done it then their operation would run much smoother.

_So_ many jobs like that.

What my sponsor taught me was to look for the common denominator in those situations that caused me pain. What I figured out is that I was doing in my work the same thing I was doing in my relationships, and what the first half of the 12 steps helped me discover. I was trying to change other people to meet _my_ expectations.

The second half of the twelve steps shows me how to change my expectations to meet the reality of the world around me.

Today I work for a little company that has a contract with a huge corporation. This huge corporation is the most disfunctional, helpless, and toxic bunch of people I have _ever_ worked with. There is never ending bickering, politicking and even the ocasional outright sabotage. If there were a Jerry Springer of the corporate world these people would be the stars.

Thru al-anon I have learned not to even _try_ to "empower" them. That is _not_ their expectation of their life. I adjust _my_ expectations to the reality of that particular corporation, and in the process have found a handful of other people like me with whom I can sit around and laugh at the insanity of it all. Once I changed _my_ expectations I realized that I have the _easiest_ job in the world, all I do is run around and do the equivalent of turning on their puter for them. And I get _paid_ for this!!!!

HP, grant me the serenity to accept these people who refuse to change
The courage to change the one that will
And the wisdom to know it's me.

Mike

DesertEyes

hmmm.... are you saying that people with obvious, untreated, co-dependency issues don't get along with each other? That there is bickering, resentments and downright disrespect for each others needs, fears and issues? That they don't accept each other as they are but each one tries to force their own expectations onto the others behavior?

You know, I've seen that happen a _lot_ in al-anon meets. People constantly telling each other how they should do this or that, how they are flawed because they said this or that. You're right, I would think they would draw together because they share a common pain, but they don't. They are so angry at the whole world that they get angry at each other. And it's not just women, in my experience, us guys are equally to blame.

I keep thinking I've seen that happen in places other than al-anon meets, but I can't quite remember where.

Mike

ICU

I refrained from commenting in this thread 'cause, well, I didn't have anything to add, but, it was interesting to read.

Then I saw this...

What a wonderful idea!!! Many of them need marketable job skills to go out there and rejoin the working world, or perhaps, join the working world for the first time. To gain skills, free of charge, would be so appreciated and beneficial!!!

Maybe senior citizens might be interested in learning 'the basics' too!

BohemiMamaof3

Now that what I was mentioning in my post that got lost yesterday. We are a ministry family, and I often laugh about our co-de job! If anything though, I think my experience with my Abrother, have helped with our ministry, in that we are learning the best way to “help” some of the needy that come our way is to let them help themselves, if that makes sense. Oh I could tell you stories. I think I will tell you one. Our church has been helping a young single mom the past few years. She became homeless this fall, thru a series of bad decisions on her part, NOT emergencies or unexpected troubles thrust upon her, mind you. In times past I would have taken her in. Instead with her permission we got temp. custody of her 2 older boys, another couple from church took her dd, and her infant son went to the paternal grandmother. After we had the children for two months and she was still not getting her act together, we had an intervention where I gave her a week to get into a program or I would call the police for abandonment. The next day she was set up in a program for homeless women & children, which of course, she could have done from the beginning. She did talk the other couple into keeping her dd for a month longer, and while I disagreed with that, I just stayed out of it. She would exaggerate about how bad the place was, so they were afraid to let the little girl go, also she would have to find daycare for the girl whereas the boys were in school & after school programs. In times past I would’ve stressed - but I detached and let them deal with it. When the time came for her dd to go back to her, she tried to ask the family to keep her another week, but the family stood firm. She has now settled into the place, worked on her GED, gotten a job that is m-f , 8-5, better for a mom then her previous jobs. While she was telling the other family all the horror stories of where she was at, I was reminded of my Abrother and how he did the same thing about the Salvation Army program. He thought that program was beneath him, because they will not turn anyone away. But the SA is the one program where he has been sober the longest - going on 15 months now. So why did I say all of that? Sometimes our co-de background can be an asset, in a mixed up way!

LaTeeDa

So, what you're saying is you're okay with doing for people what they can obviously do for themselves. That's great! I spent 20 years doing for my husband what he could obviously do for himself, and I'm having some trouble with this. Being paid to be a codepedent worked for me for awhile, it's just not working for me now. I'm not in a position to just walk away today, but I do not intend to spend the rest of my life babysitting the intentionally helpless. It's not healthy for me. And I will continue to strive to find a career that does work for me. Even at the ripe old age of 45.

L

sketscher

I can understand that people can be frustrating in this regard, however...

what i have noticed with some IT professionals is that they assume all people are "stupid" so their frustration seems to be taken out on anyone, even those truly needing IT help (unlocking the network, resetting passwords etc.)

My point is that if you are unhappy and frustrated with your job and taking it out on others even though you are being paid very well to do it, maybe it is time to re-evaluate your career.

FormerDoormat

One last question I thought of before I fell asleep last night:

Couldn't choosing to be a therapist for a career be construed as a co-dependent job as well? Something to ponder....

LaTeeDa

Oh, I think it absolutely could. I have met two therapists in the last two years, one who I went to for counseling, and one who I just met in a social setting, and they both identified themselves as recovering codependents.

L

LaTeeDa

Exactly what I am doing.

L

LaTeeDa

Um, no, that's not exactly true.

I was hired 11 years ago by a man who was, IMO, a true visionary. He hired me to implement his vision of an organization where technology empowered people, helped them do their jobs more efficiently, and allowed them to put out a better product. I was tasked with bringing a sorely lacking technological environment into the present day, and even with innovating solutions to the every day problems of the organization. One of my assigned goals was to empower people and help them get past their fear of technology. We accomplished much toward this vision, and were admired and envied by other similar organizations across the state. My job and my department/employees were structured based on this vision.

When he retired approximately four years ago, the man who replaced him changed the entire flavor of the organization. Innovation and progress are not important to him, maintaining the status quo is. Instead of viewing technology as a tool that can empower and improve, he despises and fears it. As a result of the change in leadership, my job, my deparment, and my employees have gone from vital assets to necessary evils. And the atmosphere of the organization as a whole has gone from self-sufficient to needy. I am not the only one who has noticed the drastic change in dynamics. On a personal level, my career has transformed from exciting, challenging and fulfilling into annoying, frustrating, and dull.

Before I started recovery, I thought I could resolve to live with the changes and try to make the best of it. Now, I want more. I know I cannot change this job into what it was or what I would like it to be. But I do have the power to find something better for me.

L

edit to add: I'm not looking for the "easiest job in the world." I'm looking for something that fulfills me and adds value the the world.

LaTeeDa

I guess I have the opposite problem. I assume all people are smart and I get annoyed when they throw their hands in the air and play helpless.

L

nowinsituation

LTD - Sounds like it is more an issue with current administration than with the profession as a whole? I am in finance -- and it is much the same. The person I replaced was a much-hated tyrant; so I started out being too nice to people to try to undo a lot of that damage. I had a lot of grand ideas that if I would give them the information and teach them how to use it -- everything would be good. Pretty naive!! However, my boss has my back 100% and that makes a huge difference. Life is too short to spend your days in a job that does not give you personal satisfaction. I have never been afraid to move on from a job that wasn't right -- don't know why I didn't apply that to my marriage? It has ALWAYS worked out for the best. BTW - I am 46; and my boss is retiring in 5 months. I suspect when his replacement is on board I may need to dust off my resume -- it's just a fact of life and it doesn't scare me at all.

Pajarito

WOW- It sounds like you have come a long way- and I have felt that before just in the little time I have "known" you- but the above hit me after going through this long thread. You thought you could live with the changes- not only personally, but professionally? Now you know that's not the case. I'd say that's huge. I am so interested in this post, because I think it says something about how you can "recover" in so many ways in your life.

Last year I decided to try to get into grad school- get my MFA in graphic design, so I can teach. Teaching has been a goal for me for 20 years- since I got my BFA! I put off going back so my AH could finish school, so I could take care of our young daughter, so we could move to a new state for my AH's new job. . . put myself off for too long! I did get into school, I am still working as a graphic designer, but taking one class a semester AND teaching. A lot on my plate. . . but, I feel good about finally doing something for me. Yes- I do feel graphic design is one of those codie jobs- totally into perfection. I am so tired of that. Teaching is a great move for me- no perfection here- I admit when I don't know something, and I expect students to teach me as well. I'm also taking my recovery seriously in class- I do not babysit. Recovery has really started to affect everything- not just my relationship with my AH. I guess that's what I am getting out of this thread. What I hope you are getting is that you have obviously come a long way. I know someone mentioned teaching a few posts back. . . I can vouch for how great it's been. I'm 44- and yes- it's never too late to switch careers. Keep on truckin' LTD!

Lilyflower

I have only just come to this thread and read the whole thing through. Its a very interesting read, and strange how similar everyone's jobs are.

I myself, work in a finance department, but basically I am solving problems every day relating to my organisations Facilities Management. I love my job. I love the responsibility and the thrill I get when i know I have 'fixed' a problem and can see the results. Until now, i never considered this would have any connection to my codependency.

Now that i am thinking that way, I can honestly say I don't think it applies. I have always enjoyed problem solving and handling figures. I do logic, word and crossword puzzles all the time and have a strange love of number puzzles too such as sudoku. I think it is just the type of personality I have. So my job suits my skills and my pleasures.

As long as I am happy with my job I don't see the benefit of connecting it to my codependency. I don't go home and cry when I can't get things solved like I have done with my personal life!

LTD it sounds to me you are just feeling the changes that have happened and realising you need a change of scene. Nothing wrong with that. Why does it need to be linked to your codependency/recovery?

Just a thought
Lily xxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

Good question. I guess I brought it up in that context because my therapist and I talked about the parallels in my job and marriage. Also, I thought it might spark some interesting replies/points of view. And it definitely has.

I can't help feeling that everything in my life is linked to my recovery. I notice changes in me all the time that have nothing to do with my XH, but everything to do with my recovery. Then again, I tend to view recovery with a wide-angle lens, not just within the scope of being an ACOA or a codependent. I have undergone such a life-changing transformation in so many ways in the last two years, 'recovery' really doesn't even begin to describe it. Maybe 'awakening' would be more accurate.

L