hope2bhappy

I think everything else has pretty much been covered, so I'm going to take a different approach...

The odds of your husband getting sober are MUCH greater if you learn how to detach with love and how to become a stronger person within yourself and for yourself. That is what you want, isn't it? You want him to be the person he used to be before he sank so low into his addiction, and your marriage fell apart. No one knows the magic words to make this happen, but it is much more likely to happen if you take the necessary steps to make changes within yourself, because our good intentions can play an important part in whether or not they find sobriety.

What you describe, above, is not one who loves, but one who enables. Your taking care of him and/or preventing him from facing the consequences of his drinking, only prolongs his recovery. This is not an opinion -- it is a fact. I know your intentions have been good and loving (in your mind), but you are dealing with an alcoholic -- not an ordinary person. And this is what makes the difference.

miss communicat

in my experience, this is not exactly right.

As an A in recovery, it mattered zilch what ANYbody's intentions on the matter were. And, as a codependant person, this line of thinking would be unhealthy for me.

hbb

Hugs to you, so sorry for what you are going through. What you mention about living with yourself if all of this happens. That's for HIM to live with, his choices. Your not making him drink. I'm learning here myself over the past several months but i know it's not MY fault if heaven forbid my exabf got in a car and injured or killed a person or family, or developed liver desease, that's not on you or your fault.

Al anon taught me alot at beginning of all of my mess. It truly was a godsend.

Keep posting, everyone here is so great

hope2bhappy

I'm not sure I made myself clear in my earlier statement. I'm trying to say that all our "good" intentions (which are usually bad) can interfere with the A finding recovery. We have good intentions when we try to control the A's drinking, or fix the A's problems. But our behaviors will do nothing to bring about sobriety. We stand a better chance of achieving this if we learn to detach and learn how to focus on ourselves and live our own lives.

My gosh. The interferring mistakes I made along the way... but, in the end, my A found sobriety in spite of me -- not because of me.

Pick-a-name

I am sorry you are hurting;I understand the way you are thinking,I think!

It has taken me a long time to understand the difference between detatching and abandoning....they are not the same. And detatching does NOT mean not loving,in fact,I think it is a "higher" form of love than helping him stay sick or get sicker. It can be confusing to understand,especially at first,but I tried "baby steps" and surprisingly learned that there was good reason for the people who were farther along in their recovery to suggest detatching and "hands off the alcoholic". The "Getting Them Sober" books gave me some ideas of gentle ways to start this and understand the process.

I still love my exAH.......we have been together 30yrs and share two children. Our "kids" are often better at the detatching/reminding me to detatch and it DOES make a difference...to their dad,to me and most especially,to them and their lives. Funny thing has happened lately,since the kids and I have started to live our life without exAH as the focus of all we do/don't do....he is now wanting to do things with us...HE is starting to feel left out,I guess. I casually mentioned the kids and I were on our way to see a movie this evening, before son headed back to college, and thought I'd be kind and mention that he was welcome to join us,if he liked (since he lives a few blocks from there) NEVER expecting he'd be interested. Floored me when he said he thought he would and actually showed up and joined us there! (what?!) This has happened a few times lately,since I have really started to put him into the back of my mind.

Detatching and focusing on yourself and learning about what alcoholism has/is doing to you and your life is not selfish in a bad way. It is like in an airplane when the parent is told to put the oxygen on themself first,in the event of emergency and then tend to their children. That certainly does not mean that the children are of less value or are not to be helped;it just means that if the parent does not help him/herslf first,NONE of them will be helped or saved. This is the best way to help them ALL!

Please keep reading and posting. That is how I have (FINALLY) come to start to understand this and be at peace with it in my heart and head.

A big hug to you..I know it is often overwhelming,especially at first.

p.s. Going to a few open AA meetings helped me see how valuable detatching really is to the active alcoholic,too.

member31986

Because, I read thru some of your threads and can relate. As for myself, I am not an ALAN-ON goer. I have never liked those meetings- and it just is not me. Friends, family and faith has got me thru this. I know I can not control my AH of 23 years. He is highly functional and I too have watched his steady decline. Yes, pictures of the past hurt when one notices what this disease has done to his body, mind and spirit. I have 2 children (17 and 13) and my oldest is aware of this. My husband has been a "closet" alcoholic for years (was in rehab 16 years ago) but to this day still believes he has everything under control. He never appears "drunk", just different when he drinks. (usually talkative and more emotional), he does not go to bars. He has never lost a job, we live in a nice home etc. etc. However, now that he is 48 the A has taken its toll. I know I wonder how in the world he can look in the mirror and not see it himself as he has the beer belly, is overweight, has red blotchy/spider vein skin and yellowish eyes (liver). I also know that what will be will be. He is a wonderful father/ husband in every other sense, so I live with the cards I am dealt. Sure, I want him to "quit" desperately and pray for sobriety but I know unless HE wants it, it will not happen. I figure at this rate, it will eventually kill him prematurely which is sad for my kids. He probably is already diabetic (his father was and lost both legs to it-now deceased) but won't exercise or watch his diet. (New years Resolution??!!) So, for myself, I watch mine and try to exercise every day. I figure I at least will be here for my kids if he is not. At least you don't have kids so walking away/ divorce may be easier-even though it still hurts. I wish you the best. This site does help to vent even though you may not agree with everyone. It is my "Alan -on" online. Blessings

Jwife22

JMHO-
To protect him from his consequences (notice I said HIS consequences, they are his and not mine) just prolongs his using. If he never has a reason to stop, why would he?

If I am always there to bail him out and protect him to make sure he doesn't do anything bad or get into trouble he has his cake and can eat it too.

He doesn't suffer consequences, I SUFFER FOR HIM.

I got tired of that, thats not what marriage is about. Marriage is about a commitment to each other in which you both give equally to each other. If one partner isn't giving at all, how is it fair and reasonable for the other partner to expect to give 200% to make up for it. Its not.

I didn't divorce my husband. I wasn't ready to do that. I didn't want that. I am sure none of those who did divorce didn't want that either. Detaching isnt wrong or inethical, its the RIGHT thing to do. Its allowing them to suffer the consequences of their drinking/using and to live their lives as they choose. There is a saying that we can love them to death, literally.

You aren't his mother and he's not five. He's old enough to make his own decisions and if his decision is to drink then that is his choice. You CANNOT stop it, you CANNOT stop him getting liver disease, you CANNOT stop him from drinking and driving now, YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIS DRINKING OR HIS ACTIONS.

I am truly, truly not trying to sound harsh. When I came here two years ago I was that way. I thought everyone here was a bunch of idiots and I suffered for longer than I needed to. I wasn't willing to open my eyes to really really see what was going on in my house and how miserable I truly was because I was protecting him. He's an adult, he didn't need my protection.

My husband got clean when I stopped doing so much protecting. He suffered consequences to his using. He realized that he didn't want that life any more. He changed, all by himself. I stayed out of it. Sure, there were a couple of slips here and there but now he is clean and HONEST.

I don't have the man I married back, I have someone better. (((Because)))

justsharon

Your post helped me so much today. I am sitting here alone and my Drug addictied hubby is in rehab, AGAIN. I feel so lost!

NYC_Chick

(((Because)))

A good therapist would understand BUT would also be honest with you. If you want someone to lie to you about what this really is, there are plenty of people to do it, and you don't have to pay them. Fortunately our couples therapist had compassion for him, but was very honest with me about what it means to live my life with an active alcoholic and the behaviors I had that contributed to my own misery.

I now see her on my own after the split. During our last session, I told her that I wish he had just cheated on me because the decision would be easier and I would walk away quicker. She told me that couples dealing with infidelity often find ways to work through their issues and remain together. Addicts are another story altogether because the addiction will win until they are completely ready to do something about it. I said that I felt if I went back my life would look like this, filled with chaos and pain, 10 years from now. She said "you are probably right." Then told me to keep taking care of me and let him make the choices he needed to whether they are poor or not.

I realize you are in a lot of pain. A lot of people here have been in the same situation, but choosing yourself and taking care of yourself doesn't mean you don't have to love him or want to be with him. It just means that you are taking control of your own life and your own happiness. It sounds like all of that has been tied to him only for the past several years.

Freedom1990

There is no glory in going down with a sinking ship.

My ex-husband (active alcoholic/addict) was buried last year at the age of 47. AIDS had finally taken his life.

Had I not walked away when I did, I too would have ended up with AIDS.

My oldest daughter would have been left without a mother, my parents without a daughter, my brother without a sister.

This disease kills, and that can very well include loved ones.

abcdefg

Alcoholism(or addiction) is the only disease that can kill the person who does not have it.

Al-anon does not tell us to leave or not care about our loved ones. In fact, Al-anon suggests making no major decisions about a relationship for the first six months to a year after beginning the program -- unless, of course, there is violence, in which case safety is top priority.

Al-anon teaches us to take care of ourselves when affected by someone else's drinking or sobriety.

I'm glad you are posting here.

NothingToLose

I think you're an honorable woman for saying that. A marriage contract states 'through sickness and in health'...

However, you've got to set up a timeline, a plan. An ultimatum. While it may sound like to us that he won't come around, maybe he will. Give it one, final, last chance, and once your planned timeline of opportunity is over... You'll have no choice but to let it go.

zoi

I know this post is very old-but how similar to my husband. Started drinking at age 13, dropped out of college-due to his parting, drugs alcohol. In/out detox's.. I met him he'd been sober for over a year, and I gave him the chance. We've been together since 2005, and had this incredible beautiful long relationship, partner, friend-my soul mate. Married in 2016, and 8 months into our marriage-he loses two people dear to him, and started drinking again. We struggled to get him to agree to get help, and in 2019 we purchased our own home. Did detox 2019, then continued to drink, stopped being responsible, stopped being an adult. Sat, played games, drank .. 2021 during Covid, even though we both worked, his drinking and drug use was off the charts! It hurt us, our relationship. Yes I also literally picked him off the floor, cleaned up his vomit, took care of all bills, the house and worked my stressful job in healthcare. He wasn't capable of functioning other than barely going to work. He then turned to a female co-worker-who was living w/ a man-she claimed she loved, but she also drank. She was divorced, had 6 kids, whom her ex-husband had custody of. Tells me right there who she is. But here is my husband, chatting it up all day, night-spending time with her due to their work. Claimed they were drinking buddies. I managed to get him to agree to a extensive rehab facility out of state Feb/March 2021.. I had this woman arguing with me, why I was sending him away, try local places, she pretended she loved him "as a brother:"... She had experience ... (I'm sure.. ) He did the 2 months rehab, came home and I thought for once in several years, I'd have my sober husband back and we could move forward with our new home, our blessings and our marriage. Unfortunately one month home, I came home to find him drunk-claiming he's drinking to have courage to tell me his feelings. He blamed me for not being connected or intimate. He failed to mention he was completely drunk 24x7.. but he blamed me, his family blamed me-saying "get away from her, you don't love her-she's causing you to drink".. They also denied they all drink, they know he's been addicted since he was 13, they know the struggle and all his previous detox's prior to meeting me. Yet, I was the one at fault. So he left our home claiming he thinks he wants a divorce, and leaving to figure it out-going to stay with his father. To "help him not drink." He was gone for about 3 weeks, me trying to figure out divorce, our home, finances etc.. he's addiction kept throwing us into financial issues-and I'd work hard to catch us up. I almost had a nervous breakdown! He returns home.. no mentioning of anything other than he loved me, he was sorry he hasn't been a good husband, but he wouldn't work for a couple of weeks afterwards, he drank all day, all night. He was depressed, hating his job... making bizarre statements, self doubt, self harm. I came home one day, after getting it set up to get into the local hospital for phys evaluation/detox when he informs me his brother was on his way to pick him to take him back to his house. Knowing what his sister in law did, telling him I'm a b&*(%$#^, leave her, she is the reason your drinking.. I didn't want him going to his brothers house, yet he did show up, and saw the shape he was in. I explained to him how I've been reaching out to him and his wife for 2 years trying to get their help, and I am not to blame for this. He admitted no, he's always been like this, only with you he was sober all those 13-14 years. So his mother passed, he needs to get over that.. His brother could have cared less what I've been dealing with for that year. Once admitted to the hospital, I returned to our home, and it was then I learned-he left me to go and be with this female coworker, the one who was living w/ her live in boyfriend.. yet she and my husband committed adultery last year, and he left blaming me for his drinking. She too was a drunk.. two feather alike. I did confront him at the hospital the next day. So she talked my husband into falling for her, she was sleeping with him, then ended up dumping my husband because she thought she was in love with yet another coworker-and that one-gave her money to get into an apartment-leaving the live in guy. He broke down, and didn't know what I was going to do. But I was in love with my husband, and wanted our marriage minus the tramp, minus the alcohol addiction . He was going to get sober.. so he told me. "it's us, you and I and we can get through this." When he was released-we tried to get him medications, his Dr wouldn't help. He continued to drink-and then next thing here comes the female coworker again. Claiming the other coworker was mean to her, abusive, she wanted to marry the past live in guy, she wanted to be friends with my husband and once more-she's back in his life telling him to start a pool company with her, we can make money together. So she convinced him in doing so, as she asked him to steal supplies from his boss, asked him for customer information so she can approach them to steal the business from his boss. And my husband was emotionally involved with her as he denied it, and telling me he loves me, there isn't anything going on, they are just friends. All last summer I had to deal with her in our marriage, no time spend with me, and yes, it was killing me, and destroying our marriage. This past winter-he promises me he'll be a better husband,loves me-and does another detox. So three months sober, yet he was spending all his time with her, and not working. Threw us into a great financial mess! I struggled with my feelings, my husband having an affair yet denying it. Then in March he starts drinking, and then tells me his feelings changed for me, doesn't want our marriage. Denys she has anything to do with it, yet I've seen the texts from her. She pretends to be his friend, and "I'm not a threat to you, he's my friend." Yet she sends him pictures of herself, she tells me she knows he's more important to him then his wife. She tells him I'm nuts, I'm a b&^&^*%, leave her, take the house, start over again-you'll be happier. We sleep in separate bedrooms at that point, and in May he files for divorce. I know he has severe addition issues, I know she is the one who by her vindictive & evil actions, she destroyed my 17 year relationship with my husband. Yes he allowed it, but she took full advantage of a drunk. She is playing a deadly game... currently separation papers are signed, waiting judge to sign off in September, he asked in the papers to stay in our home till August 31st. It's killing me, wanting my marriage, the man I fell in love with-to ignore me, not be there for me, not hold me at nights, no longer my friend, my partner.. He sits after work and drinks. When he's doing so-a few times we've been intimate-trying to talk-me thinking he is now figuring out me, and our marriage... A recent fight over the weekend with him and her, with her firing him from her little company-him going off the deep end.. she is still playing her game. She claims hes a drunk, yet-funny thing-the previous weekend-she goes to one of his customers home to work and she drinks and passes out at the customers house. They both are completely screwed up ...mentally and emotionally. The problem is, she helped ruin my marriage, my future, the man I was to spend my life with. Why do woman or men-cheat, and ruin their spouses life??? Move on? I am trying... my heart breaks, literally it's breaking. I can't sleep, I'm doing therapy, trying to maintain my own self worth, my own dignity.. yes I'm letting him go... I know I deserve better than a drunk and his tramp. I only constantly keep praying our Lord holds me up, holds me tight and doesn't let me go...for He is the only one who is keeping me on this Earth right now, is my faith in Jesus Christ. I will continue to pray asking HIM to heal my husband's addictions, heal our marriage and bring the man I married back. I also know my husband has to do it on his own. I truly hate additions... it truly kills and ruins lives. My fear, is now my trust is gone, I will never allow another -how will I trust anyone ever again?!!

trailmix

Hi zoi, so sorry you have been so hurt by all of this. You may also want to start a new thread (even just copy and paste), so you will get more replies.

As you know, it's completely up to your husband whether or not he decides to get sober, it doesn't sound like he is in the mind frame for it right now, not even close.

That said, you can't hold on to his potential, which you have realized. He is who he is right now. That's him. The absolute best thing right now might be for him to go and forge his own path, whatever that is.

That's certainly true for you, although it may not seem so today. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If you have read around the forum here a bit you will have seen that the most often recommended book here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. Just so you know, I'm not saying you are co-dependent, that can have a lot of negative connotations on the surface, just that the book can help you navigate all of this, especially boundaries.

Alcoholism is progressive and it sounds like your Husband is well in to his addiction. That's running his life.

I'm really sorry he will be staying in the house for another month and a half. It's very difficult for you, I'm sure, to see him as he is now, when you know how he was. Keep in mind that this IS how he is not though and all the hurt he has brought to your door. It might make it easier (as counterintuitive as it sounds).

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself. Do things you like to do (sometimes doing them even when you don't feel like it can still make you feel a bit better). Try to eat very well. Sleep when you can. Perhaps find a support group, even Al Anon, you need as much support as you can get. I hope your therapist is familiar with addictions, because they can help you to understand what is going on as well.

Of course you now have us as well!

zoi

I've tried Ala non.. I've talked to divorce groups, Pastors etc.. I drove him to the woman's place Friday night-why? Because yes he was drunk and it was like a hour drive-he needed to pick up all his tools/equipment-I drove because again-he was drunk and wouldn't wait till the morning-AND I didn't want him to cause an accident-for I know we (still married) would be sued and I WASN'T going to lose my house over it! Call me enabler? Yes I guess I am. But again-I wasn't going to be sued because he had an accident and injured or killed someone. Do I want this divorce?? NO!!!! I get alcoholism.. they are unfaithful, they are untruthful..they feel bad about themselves, they hurt those around them. I've read so much material I am sick to death of reading about it. I want the person he was-I can deal with some drinking.. but he can't not do some..he has to stop completely. I know he won't till hes darn ready to. He's tried 4 times in the last three years.. his so called girlfriend-tells me "at least I was taking him to AA meetings".. umm 1........all other times they for some reason couldn't find any open and then just hung out during his last 3 months sober trip. Look-I know I can't fix him, I can't make him change, I love him for him, just not the extreme drinking and drunk every single day. We missed out on fun things to do, he wouldn't help me do anything with the new house.. I am angry that he says he hates me during his drunk trip this weekend.. I'm angry she came into our life, I'm angry he chose his bottle over our relationship, I'm angry he went outside our marriage.. I would NEVER to that. Yes I married late in life, and now I am sixty.... knowing full well I won't have anyone in my life to come home to, or for him to be worried about me driving during a storm, or holding me at nights... I'm angry as hell!!! I am extremely hurt as hell to. I'm tired of my heart hurting, I am tired of looking and dealing with lawyer paperwork crap. I loved being his wife...I love him very very much and I want our marriage!!!

sage1969

When I first came to SR last year, I'd expressed that I was ready to commit to XABF if he could get sober and be in recovery, and someone pointed out to me that I needed to accept XABF exactly as he was, all parts of him, including the part where he was an alcoholic who was usually in a blackout.

Unfortunately, though you love your husband the way he was, alcholism is a progressive disease. Things won't go back to how they used to be. For you, and your well - being, you will have to accept that things are the way they are now, and then you'll have to decide how you want your life to look for you. Your husband makes his choices, you will have to make your choices.

trailmix

I completely understand.

But the truth is, he is an alcoholic, deep in to his addiction. You want him to be sober and be the way he was before, but that's not an option right now. Right now he is drunk all the time,, not working and you are driving him to his girlfriend's house.

Is that the life you would choose? Probably not!

Leaving him, divorcing him is going to hurt, no question about that and I very much understand your anger as he would rather drink that stay in the marriage. You know some people can't ever quit. For some people climbing the mountain to get to sobriety is too hard, too much or just seems like too much, so they don't do it. He may never choose sobriety and how sad it would be for you to waste your time waiting for that.

60 is not that old! You won't want to think about this now, but you have many great years to live, alone or with someone else.

It will take time for you to heal from this. Time and effort on your part, to really engage back in to your life and make it what you want it to be. There will be sunshine there, it's very difficult to imagine that right now when you focus on what you have lost, however, I'm sure you have a lot in your life that is good?

I'm sure you have also spent years now in this tornado of alcoholism. Focusing on him and his problems and his rehab and him, him, him. That can be hard to break away from. It becomes almost a lifestyle. Anything you can do to break away from that will benefit you in huge ways. The sooner you start to detach from him, the sooner you can start that healing.

zoi

In all fairness to him (maybe) he was sober for 14 years-when we met, and during our relationship. This is who he was, and who I fell i love with and married. I get relapsing...I get overcoming the addiction is very hard. I don't get how you can stop loving someone you were spending and building a life, to go deep into addiction, and then as he said over the weekend during his drunkiness "I hate my boss, I had M (the other women) and at times I even hate you (meaning me).....he has a dark past of traveling as a panhandler & being in trap houses sometime in the late 80 or early 90 I think. He was off the charts with all he was saying Saturday. No one cares for him, no one does anything for him. Yes I know you can't argue or talk to a active drunk. But there isn't any time to talk to him when he's not-because you can't talk when we are working-and after work-he's home drinking or as all last year spending all his time with his friend/girl friend.. I know they are more involved-at least he is emotionally, she is only using him as a game to keep him from me, and to anger her other boyfriend. I know I should have walked last year, but I don't abandon people, especially my husband. Yes he abandoned me last year when he left to go run off with her... I am so damn stupid!!! I believed in marriage, true love, being there thru good and bad etc... Now what? Okay we will be divorced by September... I'll live by myself, struggling financially, struggling with the deep love I have for him even though he screwed up (which he admits, but doesn't do anything to fix it) How fair is this? I mean-to find absolute love, a beautiful relationship-then evil comes-alcohol...infidelity.. and guess who gets screwed?? The innocent. Sorry-I am just very heart broken, and angry that my life has been destroyed because of alcohol-and a woman who has no morals or dignity and doesn't care if she destroys... my husband isn't the first man she messed up, there are two others she toyed with. People like her, don't deserve my forgiveness! I honestly don't know if I'll survive this... I am completely breaking down, at work, driving, in bed, at home... I can't control all these feelings!

trailmix

You will survive this, it will take time and in that time it's going to hurt. I completely understand the feeling of panic over the feelings that are hitting you. You have been blindsided and are reeling from what you thought would be to what is. There are ways to help yourself. Go online and read blogs, articles and watch videos about alcoholism. Pick up a copy of Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. Read other threads on this forum.

While all of that might be counter intuitive, it will actually help, you are not alone by any means. Post here as often as you like.

She may be a shrew, but she's not married to you, he is and he is the one that cheated, that stepped out of your relationship. I think it's really important to keep that in mind as it's not her that is hurting you, it's him, he did this. Once you accept that, you may well start to look at him differently.

While he was sober when you met him, did he continue to get help? AA, therapy, etc. Many people fall off the wagon after a number of years. Unless he stays with people and groups he can rely on, it can all come to fruition again (either way it can), as it has. Of course that is his decision and his issue now, not really anything you can do about it.

This gets stated here, not infrequently. Is there a switch? Can someone just flip a switch and have no feelings? Well I think two things come in to play here. First of all, of course, there is the alcohol, for many it is a switch. Have you ever been drunk? If so, imagine being drunk every day. Imagine being barely able to get home fast enough to have a drink because that is all you want. That's how he is living, he's really not all that focused on anything else.

The second thing is, do some people have a switch? Yes, I believe some do. Maybe it's not like an auto - well I'll just flip that switch - but people can build defenses around themselves that will kick in when a situation presents itself that they can't deal with.

Well a month from now he can go and live with her, see how she gets on with all of it. It's very easy for both of them right now, since you are the one doing all the heavy lifting.

It will get better, it really will, it's very hard to see right now, I know. It will be (although it doesn't seem like it) much better when he moves out.

zoi

I get the switch part...believe me I do!! Last summer we took a beach trip-this was after him leaving the first time, we hardly ever get time away. The beach trip-a bad trip. He had me pull over many times driving so he can fill up his cup of vodka. The whole several days at the beach, non stop hitting the bar, disappearing, I was basically at the beach by myself. I know he doesn't drink during work, only as soon as he comes home-stops off at the ABC store, hits a couple mini's then once at our house-drinks till they are all gone. I encouraged when we were dating for him to stay engaged with support groups. He kept saying he was okay, no need, he's fine "Oh God no I'm not going back there again..." (meaning drinking) He realized his past was bad, and he came out of it, and met me and we had this incredible relationship, and my god how she showed me love... not buying me things, but what he did in actions. When he started drinking again in 2017 I tried very hard to get him to go to meetings, talk to people-again-refused. Once we moved into our own home-the drinking worsened..he would sit after work and drink. Yet as strange as it sounds, we were still connected, still intimate, still sharing our thoughts, having conversations. But 2021 was the year his drinking, the drugs from his coworkers.. nothing would convince him. Then the woman, again a drinker crying to him about how unhappy she was with her live in, him complaining that I didn't understand his drinking. Two month Rehab spring 2021, him telling me he's going to be a better husband, me telling him, be honest, just love me, and we can handle the drinking together. But in reality he was already involved with her then left in May 2021. Came back never confused, I had to find out on his cell phone about his adultery... and when I did confront him, again-he said he loved me-we can get through this together. All last summer, all this year, there's this woman-telling him "get away from her, she's causing you to drink" Yet she does it too, had detox, relapsed herself.....he loves me but apparently isn't in love and doesn't want to be married anymore. He said "we've tried." I told him, no you haven't tried anything because you have been spending all your spare time with her. So called working side jobs, yet I've seen no money for house bills. Drinking and staying at her house ...wrong on so many levels. Him listening to her, him confiding in her, her egging him on.. Yes-I'm told if he loved you he wouldn't have gone to her. Yes true, but also alcoholism doesn't allow you to think, act or do properly. He is to blame, and so is she.....I hate her with every thing I have, and I am trying to hate him as well. I'm tired of being a door mat, I'm tired of him getting intimate with me, then ignoring me the next day. I'm tired of him acting as if I am nothing to him. I have done so much, and yes I ignored me. When I fought back to tell him I will not do this anymore, I'm not living with three in my marriage. You have to get sober for yourself, and only you can do it. I know people tell you, in time it gets better, in time you'll met someone, in time, in time... I'm so tired of hearing about time!! My guts and heart are ripped out completely!!! I don't have time. I want to hate him now!!! I want to not love him so that yes maybe I'll find happiness. However my life for 17 years was with him, and yes the last two have been hell because of his cheating and drinking. So I abandon him? Yes I have to, for he filed for divorce and he will not stop it and say "I am so sorry..." He wont have a place to live, NOT my problem I know. He made the choice not me. He chose to drink, he chose to go and sleep with another woman, he chose to ruin a good relationship. Because he claims he isn't in love anymore. Well GD him!!!! How easily it is for those to use, step on and then just walk away. I am keeping the house, not sure I can afford on my own-it will be very very tight, and I need another part time job. But I will have a home to sleep in, I won't have to get rid of my pets. I guess he won't have a place to live, unless his tramp takes him in, yet he said "why would I go there?"......my response was "well for over a year, that's where you've been and that's why our marriage was destroyed" I do hope she stomps on his heart just like he did mine. I do hope that down the road, she too has her heart broken hard as she did mine when she knew he was married, and used the excuse "he wasn't happy." is why she said she slept with him. Yes I know I have much bitterness and it will eat me up. But I'm dying on the inside, I don't know who I am, I don't have "hobbies" anymore, what I enjoyed these last 17 years was hanging out with my husband, going grocery shopping, or lounging and watching TV, or going to a farmers market, or a day trip drive. Laying in bed at nights, just holding onto each other so tight, him reaching out to touch me to make sure I am there. Me reaching out to him and holding onto, with him saying "I'm right here baby I'm not going anywhere I promise" And even this past weekend, we just laid in bed holding on, with him telling me it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay"... yes he was drinking-and I'm sure he was just playing or using me. god I feel like crap!!! When they say ...I just want to crawl under a rock and die"... yep feel that. I don't have any more strength to go through another day, honestly. Outside the drinking, even during it-he still was this man I love greatly. The feel of his skin, he;s face I just like to put in my hands... I know I will never find anyone that has made me feel what I have with him.....and I don't want to settle for just anyone.....but I need that great love, that companionship, that person that's just for me. I get it, I have lost my freaking mind!!!