Because

I have such a long story. I will provide the highlights. We have been married 8 years - been together 9. My husband was a highly functional alcoholic - he ran two businesses of which he owns one. He is very successful. We were able to travel and do many fun and exciting things together. We don't have any children. He was my best friend, companion, lover, and soulmate. As alcoholism is progressive, he started to deteriorate rapidly over the last 2 years. This past year has been horrendous for him and for me. I asked him to move out for a temporary separation in May. He did. He came back twice. He went to Betty Ford for 28 days. He started drinking heavily right away when he returned. He made plans to return to Betty Ford, but when he returned to Palm Springs he entered the facility and said he wasn't ready. He spent the week in a hotel binge drinking. He ended up in the ER w/ alcohol poisoning. He flew back to our home on the east coast. He was shaking and withdrawing. I had him taken to the local ER and then he went onto Silver Hill detox and rehab. He detoxed for 5 days, promised to stay for the 28 day residential treatment, but then begged to come home after a week and a half in residential. He came home and started drinking about 10 days later, then 7 days, and then the days became closer to gether. I kept it cool and didn't get upset until he came home highly intoxicated during an ice storm. How someone can drive drunk is beyond my comprehension. So, he walked out that night, Dec 7th, and never returned home. On Dec 8th, he withdrew our very sizable savinigs account. On Dec 14th, he served me with divorce papers. He has called and emailed me over the last 3 weeks with conflicting and confusing feelings for me. He tells me that he loves me. The roller coaster continues. I know, he knows, and the whole world knows he walked out because he is in the depths of alcoholism and doesn't know what to do. I feel so hopeless because there is nothing I can do to make him realize what he is giving up. He has expressed to me that he does realize what he is giving up, but I suppose he sees no hope for him and for us. We go to court in a few weeks to deal with financial issues pending the divorce. In CT there is a processs to request conciliation in which the parties must attend at least two counseling sessions. We are going to request that. I am so hurt because we shared so much, including some very good times. We had big dreams for the future. I am also so hurt because I literally and figuratively picked him up off the ground when he was too drunk to do so. I went through hell and back with him in rehab and for that I am being punished with divorce. I hope that he will seek treatment and go back to rehab. The short stints that he had could never erase 31 years of drinking - he started when he was 13.

Barbara52

I am sorry for your pain. It sounds liek you have through an awful lot lately.

Have you contacted an attorney? You might want to do that to protect yourself, especially since your AH has taken your savings already. You may not want the divorce and may not end up getting one but you do need to find out your rights and how to protect yourself legally.

I also recommend going to AlAnon or individual therapy to help you get through all this.

Because

I have an attorney. She is excellent. Our motions should be on the court calendar on January 17th - one of them is to return the funds, others are for alimony and payment of household expenses pending divorce, exclusive possession of the home, and attorney's fees.

As far as al-anon, thank you for the suggestion. But, I am not interested in detaching. I am not interested in being labeled a "codie." I love this man and would love him and care for him regardless of whether he was an alcoholic or not.

As far as individual therapy, we engaged a marriage therapist when he was in rehab. I met w/ the therapist a few times alone and once w/ my husband. It really didn't help me personally. He would be a good person to utilize if my husband is ready to talk about reconciliation. The therapist is a good faciliator. But, that's about it. In fact, my husband asked for a meeting with me a few weeks ago. I agreed as long as it was at the therapist's office. He agreed and then canceled via email the morning of the appointment.

I have not been able to locate a therapist that understands. So, throwing away $150 hour is a waste of money. I am having dinner tonight with an old friend whose husband walked out and divorced her after 23 years. She didn't want the divorce and doesn't believe in divorce, like me. I get more out of talking to her and dinner doesn't cost $150.

NoChoice

Your story is a sad one. I think that the more you will read the more you will find that we all have similar stories. The thing is it takes two. If one is an A the alcohol usually comes first. Some of us have had our A choose; us or the alcohol. 9/10 times the alcoholic goes for the bottle. I know it is devastating to be there picking the A up off the floor, we probably should have left him/her there. We continue to want to make them realize "what they will miss." The problem is that the A isn't ready to nor do they want to see that or hear that. Depending on where they are with their disease, all they can focus on is that next drink, where it is coming from and how they can get away from us to have it.

Lots of pain, lots of tears and lots of joy has been shared on this site. The pain and tears for me came from the the state I was in when I got here. The joy is the relief I felt when I finally realized that I am responsible for my life and my happiness. I am a strong woman but not strong enough or powerful enough to battle the bottle. I am in recovery myself. I know that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. That is where the sheer joy came from in time.

It is a tough road...Al Anon helps, friends help and SR is always here.

Hugs,
NC

Barbara52

Seeking help at AlAnon or elsewhere for yourself does not mean giving up on you AH or accepting a label of any sort. I am only suggesting that you are going thru a very difficult time that many have found is a tad easier with outside help. Many in here have chosen to stay with their alcoholic. Its a perfectly valid choice. It may be a choice you will not have because of your AH and that is a painful situation to be in.

It can be hard to find a therapist that you connect to and usderstands the dynamic of the alcoholic family. Perhaps you can get a referral from your local mental health agency.

Of course, not seeking help is also a valid option.

Jwife22

I am in no way trying to push alanon on you by this post but I am stating my experience in staying with my husband.

I love my husband (as did/does everyone here) and I stayed with him. I still learned to detach from his using (my husband is an addict) so I wasn't devastated everytime I had a month of my loving caring sweet husband back and then he used.

Detaching doesn't mean leaving, it doesn't mean stop loving him and it doesn't mean giving up on him. It means learning to make myself happy and allowing him to make his own mistakes. It means giving him enough space to fall if that's what needs to happen. It means allowing him the dignity to live his life the way he pleases even though its not how I wanted him to live his life.

Naranon/Alanon teaches me how to detach. They don't push me to leave, they don't push me to stop loving him and they don't push me to give up on him.

I will say this, until I detached, my husband kept on keepin on with his using but I was no longer involved in his using too. I stopped controlling it. I quit searching for pills, I quit snooping around his car, I quit searching his eyes for signs of use and I quit fighting. I was so tired I couldn't do it any more. I changed. He noticed. He changed. He quit. He's clean now.

People seem to have this preconceived notion that alanon is all about pushing you to leave your addict/alcoholic partner. Its not.

I wish you well and I am glad to hear that you are protecting yourself by getting an attorney.

(((Because))))

queenteree

Because - If you want to read my posts on here, you and I share a similar story. My AH was my lover, best friend, soulmate, etc. and believe it or not, still is. I know he loves me and I do love him, but as you stated, yours is in the throws of alcoholism and that causes them to do many things they would otherwise not do. My husband was sober for over 14 years, drunk for the past 6 years, has alcoholic liver disease of which there is a good chance he will die in the next 5 years if he continues to drink, went to rehab at the end of this past May, was sober for 98 days, and has been drunk ever since. I have taken him to court, he's court mandated to treatment which he keeps putting off and failing urine tests, saw a divorce lawyer to divorce ME, all to protect his God given right to drink alcohol. It's sad, but it's a fact of alcoholism and the only saving grace I have is Alanon. As others have said, detaching doesn't mean leaving, it means doing for you and letting him suffer the consequences of his own actions. To tell you the truth, I don't want my husband court mandated to treatment, I'd rather him keep drinking and doing what he's doing cause he's not ready for treatment yet, and it's just a waste of everyone's time and resources. In Alanon we have a saying something like this "the quicker the sicker the sooner the better." Alanon teaches you the tools to detach with love. Much luck to you on this journey.

Rella927

AMEN!

Al-Anon taught me along with my counseling and of course SR! The means of how to live my life on my terms and that did not include taking on others problems-My brother is someone I love very much and will always be a part of my life-but I needed to "detach" from him with love in order for my mental well being. I could not allow his drinking and behavior to bring me down anymore-

We do not detach to give up we detach with love so that we remember ourselves and can make choices and grow on our own. Ok this may sound crazy but puppy's have to be detached from their mothers when they are young-and then they go and make choices yes? That does not mean the mother is not still watching or supporting them, loving them....

I'm so sorry for your pain that you are going through and please keep posting

prodigal

You are correct regarding your assessment of the disease. It is an equal opportunity destroyer. It has taken him down and apparently he's taken you down with him.

It appears he doesn't wish to maintain sobriety. He may have sincere intentions to quit, but he doesn't follow through. It has often been said of alcoholics that they have a plan for a plan to quit ...

Although it may be beyond your comprehension, it is not beyond his. It's not your place to comprehend him. You can only comprehend your own thoughts, motivations, behaviors, and role you've played in this disease process.

Sad, but true.

He is giving up a relationship and a part of his life; he is NOT giving up the booze. With the realization of what he is giving up, he is willing to do so for the sake of maintaining his addiction.

You made the choice to help him. I admire your loyalty for standing by him through thick and thin. However, he has made his choice. He probably loves you, but at this point in time he loves his addiction more. If you went "through hell and back" for him, he still does not owe so much as a thank you. Stinks, doesn't it? But when we help others, we cannot do so with the expectation that we'll get any appreciation - particularly when dealing with an addict. I don't see his divorcing you as punishment. I can understand why you would. But you are seeing this from your own perspective.

You mentioned you aren't interested in Al-Anon. I don't know what it is you want from us here. I've gone through similar situations, having been married to TWO alcoholics. I can offer my experience, strength, and hope for YOU. I don't have the ability to offer hope to him because you're the one posting. I wish I knew what it is you are seeking from us. I hope you post again so I can get a better handle on what you want besides your husband getting sober.

GiveLove

If you do not want outside support, and do not want to learn more about disease in order to reduce the pain and stress in your life, and therapy is a waste of time.....with all due respect....what are you doing here? This is a support board (and a damned good one at that), and so far you have sneered at all help offered.

Wishing you the best. Alcoholism is a vicious foe.

Pick-a-name

(((Because)))..............sorry you are hurting;I understand fairly well what you are feeling as my AH of 27yrs (2 children) has not been to rehab but he did divorce me (against my wishes). He,too is still highly functional and has the $ to leave,etc. (he also ran his own company and before doing this,sold it for a hefty sum and now works for them doing what he did before). It's been a nightmare for me and our kids,too. Actually, that is what got me to this site and it has been a God-send,in many ways.

This happened about two years ago, and there have been many twists and turns along the way. I have found that detatching with love,as much as possible(a real struggle for me) has been the best for me,kids,AND especially exAH. I think he felt he could have us waiting in the wings for him (and he could) and also the freedom to do as he liked,probably with whomever he liked,too. I think it is starting to get "old" for him...I know that it is for me. We'll see what the future brings....for us all. Right now I am concentrating on me and the kids....it's getting easier for me,and it's much healthier for us all!

I have to run,but will check back on this thread,with interest. Glad you have found us. Stick around and take one day,hour,minute at a time.....

p.s. The "Getting Them Sober" books really have helped me a lot,esp. with practical information. There are some "preview" chapters you can read at Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications. As for the Alanon, I started it several times over the years,but at the time,was just not at a point where I could or would hear or understand (much like the addict in treatment sometimes,maybe even your AH). The Getting Them Sober books helped me in a gentle way to get to the point of understanding,without feeling that I was to "blame" for yet another thing. Actually,it was my own "hearing". Same thing on SR. I came here every day for as long as I needed and slowly it started to sink in and I started getting and feeling a little better....even a little is a plus when you feel the way I felt! Please stick aroud and go at your own pace. You do not have to do or not do anything you do not feel ready to do....it is YOUR recovery and at your pace.

denny57

I loved my AH, too. Today I love my life, which is free of the daily chaos of living with alcoholism. I know I believed if I could just get him to see how much loved him he would stop drinking. Funny, he told me how much he loved me, too, until I told him I was going to Al-Anon. Then he, too, filed for divorce. Today, almost 2 years later, I am so very, very, glad I did not fight him on it.

Miss Pink

As far as al-anon, thank you for the suggestion. But, I am not interested in detaching. I am not interested in being labeled a "codie."

Well, if you are interested in attachment, then you are succeeding.

Doesnt seem he wants you to be attached to him any longer.

Doesnt seem to be working well for you. It sounds like he is your oxygen and you feel like you will die with out him.....

ever though you are already dying....with him.

You really dont want help?

whalespicy

We have similar stories: nice home on acreage, stable career of mine, finances in order, happy together under 'normal' circumstances, current separation. Unfortunately my AW has progressed from intermittent to chronic use. She has managed to trash her life. Right now she is in a psych unit courtesy of the local police. Her new diagnoses is alzheimers/pyschosis.

I have done my fair share of time in the A war zone. All manor of interentions, proactive interceding, pouring out of heart, etc. Net result: she's going to do what she's going to do and there ain't nothing I, MDs, family, humiliations galore can do about it.

To me it's like I know I should lose some weight for a number of reasons. There is a solution to being overweight that is available to me. But I love food! Although my overeating causes problems I don't want to lose weight enough to fix it. So, I've made a choice. Please understand this is my own theory, the forum may not agree.

Also, it's great to get help wherever you can but I've found that people who don't know much about addictions mean well but don't know the drill.

I must be very careful. Just today I got this new DX of alzheimers. My first thought is now it's different and I could easily slip back into 'she needs me, I must go back to her'. Or, I could recall her last detox visit just weeks ago the docs said straight out alcoholism. I could remember that this thing is consuming me and that I must step away. I could keep in mind that this thing could actually take me down further to a deep dark place.

Steve

FormerDoormat

I was not interested in being labeled "fat," and I didn't want to stop overeating, yet 48 years later, I still found myself on an eternal quest to get thin.

I was always shocked to see myself in photographs. I looked about 100 pounds heavier in photos than I did when I looked in the mirror. So I just avoided having my photo taken. But someone would always catch me off guard, and I'd be faced with the truth in an occassional snapshot. It was not a pretty sight. I prefered to live in denial and think of myself as just a few pounds overweight. That way, I could avoid the truth and I wouldn't have to take any steps to remedy the situation. But the camera doesn't lie. Oh how I hated being called fat. Oh how I hated that camera.

One of most important things I've learned from SR and Alanon is to always tell the truth--to others and myself. I am addicted to food. I was also addicted to my ex alcoholic boyfriend. That makes me not just a codie, but a fat one, too.

In order to see the truth, I had to ask myself this:

What words am I most afraid to hear? What words am I most afraid to speak?

best

Al Anon is free and the people understand.

The things that can be learned at Al Anon are what changed my wife's attitude about my attitude and behaviors. Such things as ...detaching and finding out if she was being codie or not. (no lable doesn't change facts) Well Her learning and leaving me to deal with "my" issues is what started me on my path to find my answers.
We were separated for 2 1/2 years. I filed for the divorce but I also started to find recovery and with 10 days left before the divorce became final...We stopped it.
When she stopped picking me up off the floor, the only way I could get up was to do it myself. Detaching in a healthy way does help things.

My issues...only I can deal with or change them. Believe me...she sure tried and when she let go and left my issues for me to deal with is when things started to happen.

hope2bhappy

I'm not clear on this. Did he stay the full 28 days, or did you go and get him when he begged to come home? My AH's counselors told me that it is very common for them to try to get you to come get them after the first few days. That's why they are not allowed to keep their own vehicles there, and why the facilities are usually located out in the sticks somewhere. My AH said he wanted to come home, also -- that he was all better now -- that he wasn't like the other people up there, etc. (all the things they said he would say). Luckily, the professionals had prepared me for this.

I have worked on a lot of divorce cases. This happens all the time. I can't stress enough the importance of having your own separate bank account.

Unfortunately, you would have lost all this anyway because of the alcoholism.
It's a pay-me-now or pay-me-later situation.

Based on your description of his drinking and the number of years he's devoted to it, I believe he could be nearing the end stages. What that "end" may be is unknown.

Trying to talk with someone who is in love with an alcoholic is often like trying to talk with the alcoholic, himself. They just aren't ready to listen. We all know your pain. I wish that you would reconsider attending Alanon so that you can learn how to deal with this.

alahub

Your story is sad and familiar to me...my wife pushed me away due to her abuse of alcohol. This disease is just like cancer and diabetes, he needs medical attention and lots of it.
Alcoholics will push their loved ones away...they are filled with so much shame and guilt they need to justify their sick feelings by pushing away the ones that love them the most.
I took it so personally with my wife, who is now living in a sober living home. But she pushed me away at the time, cause I was the one standing between her and the bottle(s) of wine.
Read, pray, and go even to open AA meetings, not just alanon. I actually prefer open AA meetings, all the participants know what you are going through cause they have been there.
Much love and guidance to you..

Miss Pink

Fat? maybe....but your a big old healthy and sane cutie pie!

Now shake you bum bum and keep that awarness coming!

FormerDoormat

Awe, thanks, Miss Pink!