dac4

Hi,

A few months ago my father came to live with me. He was having difficulty with his girlfriend and needed somewhere to stay. He was psychologically in a bad way but I thought it was due to the circumstances and he would get better in time if I helped him.

When he came to live with me he also lost his job. He had previous poor attendance and after the break-up with his girlfriend he decided to take another day off which was the last straw. Since that, he has borrowed money from me and, although he insists he hasn't, I believe he has stolen from me too. When I reached this realisation I first wanted him to leave then he apologised and I set a few house rules instead, including that he shouldn't ask me for any financial help. I fear that without me giving him a place to stay, he could finish up on the streets, he's in such a bad way.

He attended a short course of NHS therapy which reached it's conclusion when my father admitted he was an alcoholic. This brought a lot into perspective for me, he suffers with high blood pressure and what he calls 'cold sweats' on a night and his behaviour is unlike any regular problem I could name. He has asked that I keep his alcoholism between us which is why I am writing anonymously to this group.

He continues to see his girlfriend, another alcoholic, who abuses him when he goes to see her. He generally goes round for as long as he can until another argument occurs and he gets slung out, usually stripped of any money he had and left to walk for two hours to get home when she has a car. Then he comes back here and mopes around saying how bad things are. I have highlighted the connection between seeing her and the abuse as best I can but he will downplay it saying "she's got some good in her", and talking about "loyalty". I have pointed out that it looks like a codependant relationship to me and that the abuse is his own fault as long as he continues to see her, but any acknowledegement is temporary and he later goes to see her again - and the exact same thing happens.

Speaking to him is difficult. He talks endlessly about percieved problems. He keeps talking about me, and also what life in general is like rarely speaking in the first person about himself. His outlook on life makes little sense at the moment, it just seems like a stream of rationalisation for his actions. He will continue to talk nervously whenever he's around me, he can't watch a film without talking over it all, if I leave the room he even continues to talk to himself. Despite all of this, he clearly means to be a loving person and is grateful for the chats we have.

About eight months down the line, this has been a burden on me, I have been feeling down since it's tragic to see him this way but nothing seems to help. I'm a single 29 year old and having my dad around in this state makes it difficult to have friends and dates come over.

His behaviour so far seems constant. In the time I have known him nothing has improved apart from the admission to me about his alchoholism. He talks about taking action to get himself off the booze, getting a job, leaving his girlfriend, but none of these things actually seem to take place. He generally seems to sabotage himself, then seek help because he's unable to cope with the consequences.

I've read a few bits and pieces and I've started to think about 'enablement', i.e. which of my behaviours enable my father to continue to abuse alcohol and continue his abusive relationship. I no longer lend him money, but perhaps providing support and free lodgings are counterproductive to his recovery? Maybe he has to see the full extent of the results of his actions before he will be motivated to change? This seems very harsh but I feel I would be martyring my own life away if I continued to help indefinitely. I also wonder if it's best to keep this a secret as I have been asked to, or to get someone involved so he can get better help and I can have some support.

I would really like to hear any views and experiences which would help me decide what to do. It seems I need to find a balance between good ethics, helping my father, and respecting myself.

--
dac

Lilyflower

Hi Dac from another Brit,

I feel as though you should not have to keep this to yourself. Part of the disease is the secrecy around it. It is so stressful to deal with an A that I seriously advise you to reach out to who you can. It is nothing to feel ashamed over. You'd be suprised how many people are affected by this problem. My abf told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, and for the first few months I carried the stress alone. It is extremely difficult, and it is also a way to control you and cover up for himself.

Try to locate an Al anon group near to you. the web address is http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ .

Wishing the best for you
Lily xxxxxxxxx

denny57

Welcome, dac4, glad you're here!

There was a time that I also believed this - about martyring my own life away. Over time, alcohlism beat me down to where I didn't care about my own life. I think it's fantastic you realize this and hope that thought stays with you through it all.

Keeping the secret kept me stuck. Al-Anon, therapy, my family doctor and close friends who understand have freed me.

Keep posting - look forward to getting to know you!

keepingmyjoy

Welcome dac, sorry I do not have wisdom to share for you, but a warm welcome!dshake

Barbara52

You sure are in a difficult situation. Its not easy to be rational and logical about a situation that contains so many emotional pitfalls. But thinking about this all in a coldly rational manner may help you reach a decision about what you want to do. Perhaps think of it al in terms of whether you would continue to support this person if they were a stranger. Would you continue to provide for his needs if it wasn't your father? Is it really helping him to protect him from the choices he has made?

dac4

Thanks for the replies and kind words. Good to meet you all.

It strikes me that unless my dad gets better we're going to fall out leaving him homeless, so I have rolled my sleeves up and decided to get further involved.

I have decided to help him by taking him to AA meetings and have found my local one, thanks for the tip Lily. I don't think he would find the wherewithal to stick at it himself.

I don't think I'm so affected by it that I need a support group myself yet but from what I've read I might if this continues. So, I decided for my own sake that there will be a cut-off point of one year as to how long I continue to give him somewhere to live if he shows no improvement. I'll only tell him that if necessary.

I've also decided to take a unfettered approach to talking to him and just give him the full reality of the situation, including his part in it, and offer specific solutions when he asks for advice. I don't have all the answers but I think my judgment is more sound than his at the moment.

I have decided to continue to offer no financial support, even if he's suffering because of it, otherwise I'll be facilitating his addiction and dampening his motivation. I have made that clear to him.

I really hope the AA meeting has a way to help him. Alcoholism seems like a thoroughly difficult addiction to shake and my dad has been drinking excessively for seven years now.

--dac

Barbara52

AA will only help if HE wants it too. I hope he does and gets serious about recovery.

LaTeeDa

I felt that way, too. I didn't realize how much I had been affected. At the very least, you might want to read some books like "Codependent No More." I really helps to understand the human dynamics involved in alcoholism. It's a condition that can only thrive when others (besides the alcoholic) are involved. You are one of those others and you may be perpetuating the problem without even realizing it. I know I was.

JMHO,
L

dac4

LaTeeDa: that's an important consideration, thanks for your input. I do know a bit about codependant relationships, but I didn't consider that this might be one.

Since I said that I wasn't going to lend my dad any more money I've been getting the squeeze from him. He's been calling all the family and sobbing about how hard done to he is making me seem mean for not helping him. He is in a tough spot at the moment since his benefit wasn't paid but it's happened so regularly I think he creates these helpless situations.

All of the pressure from him seems to be to financially support him and make sure he has cigs and booze. You are probably right, I'm being invited into codependency here.

My goal at the moment is just to make sure he doesn't finish up homeless and that means helping him beat alcoholism practically instead of the way he thinks is best. Hopefully all of that psychology I've read over the years will come in useful here and I will try to steer clear of codependency, by making sure I don't participate in any of the mindgames that are going on.

Where's that support group again? I'm checking in, lol.

--dac

freya

My dad came from such a severely alcoholic family that he managed to get himself into a situation of near-total desperation and hopelessness without even drinking. He did not die homeless and destitute, but that is only because he died of a heart-attack shortly before his life got to that point. And the honest truth was, I had told him very directly that no matter how terrible he managed to make his situation he was never going to come to live in my house. I meant that with all my heart, in complete serenity, and without hating him.....and that was long before I came into Al Anon.

My dad's disease -- which he had many, many opportunities to address and to get help for, all of which he chose to ignore -- turned him into a black-hole of constant paranoia, negativity, self-delusion and self-pity. He was the human equivalent an emotional/spiritual parasite that sucked the life-energy and the sanity from anyone who tried to be close or helpful to him. I came to accept that in my mid-twenties and I consciously chose not to put myself -- or my family -- in that position. I had long earlier ceased to love him, in any way beyond the he-is-part-of-god's-creation-too way, and I had grieved the fact that he had never been and was incapable of being the father that every child needs and deserves. I felt a great deal of sorrow for the loss of his life -- but it was also perfectly clear to me that the truth was that his life had been lost long before he died and that my allowing mine to be sucked-away, too, was not going to help or change anything.

Now, of course, it is possible that, at any point, a miracle could have occurred and my dad could have turned his story around...but my program teaches me that I live my life and make my decisions based on what is....not based on what might be....or what I would like to be./..or what I dream of....or on what I was deprived of as a child and am still trying to manipulate out of someone who cannot give it.....my dad was sick and toxic and I owe it to myself and to the trust that my HP has put in me to take care of myself not to allow toxic people -- regardless of their position, their title, or their relationship to me -- to seep their way into my life.

One more thing, I know a lot of people in and out of program who have maintained problematic relationships with parents who exhibit all kinds of unhealthy, hurtful, life-draining behavior. In most cases, these people nourish a hope -- sometime consciously, sometimes not -- that there is going to be some kind of miraculous change, some kind or resolution, some kind of apology and/or clearing of the slate before the parent dies. Then the parent dies and the miracle has not occurred, but because the child has clung to the fantasy and the unfulfilled need -- as opposed to accepting the situation, taking care of themselves and turning to HP to get the need fulfilled -- the grief is excruciating because, aside from losing a parent, the child has also now set themselves up to have to deal with a vital need that -- in their scheme of things -- can now never be fulfilled. (I am dealing with this with a sponsee right now, and it is scary and painful to watch.) For me, my dad's death was sad -- but most of my real grieving had been done long before that and I was (relatively) healthy and whole and, from what I can tell, that made things a lot less torturous for me...and for that, I am very grateful.

freya

dac4

Freya,

That is a sad story, thanks for taking the time to share it. It sounds like you've been through hell. Your experience shares many similarities with where I am at the moment and I will try to learn from it.

It seems very important that I stick to my guns in defining a time limit in which I'm prepared to help my father. I would be remiss to do nothing, but if nothing works - as seems likely - then I'll sack it off as a bad job before it impinges on my own life too much. I'm not sure how much longer that will be. The stop on financial aid is turning into a game with my dad taking every opportunity to tell me how destitute he is and how terrible that all is. Lets see if he's done anything to improve his situation by next month.

Many thanks for all your comments. You've helped hit home how serious the situation is and I think your combined input is going to save me some serious headaches.

--dac

FormerDoormat

Untreated codependency has the same affect on the partners of alcoholics. They fall into a black-hole of constant paranoia, negativity, self-delusion, and self-pity, too. One form of self-delusion I exhibited was believing that sacrificing one year of my life in the name of helping my alcoholic partner would somehow help him turn his life around. That one year stretched to two, and then to three, and all the while I didn't think I was exhibiting co-dependent behaviors--much in the same way my partner didn't think he had a drinking problem. He was never able to turn his life around; he drank himself to death five months ago.

Giving away a year of my life didn't change anything. His disease continued to progress and my resentments continued to grow. Co-dependency was my problem. Alanon was the solution.

dac4

Okay I'm a little scared now. Constant paranoia, negativity, self-delusion, and self-pity sounds very much like my dads world. I've not quite been myself recently but I've recently split up with a partner so I put it down to that.

Do you guys advocate getting him out of my house straight away? You make it sound like I'm taking a much bigger risk than I imagined.

Thanks,
dac

Barbara52

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with and for how long.

Personally, I would set a very short time limit for him to find a palcew of his own, say a month at most, simply because I know I wouldn't want to deal with all the problems and drama and everything else. In 8 months, he's done not much of anything to imporve his situation its seems, you are suffering for it and there is no end in sight. For me, this would be intolerable. For you, perhaps not.

But one thing to remember is that he's got a comfortable place to live, doesn't have to pay the bills, doesn't have consequences. What is his motivation to change in this picture?

dac4

Since I've never seen a situation quite like this before I don't really know what I might have to put up with as things progress. It sounds like the effects of a relationship with an A are damaging and difficult to detect from previous posts so I might not fully know what I'm putting up with right now.

I'm subjected to plenty of tales of hardship and what seem like good reasons that his situation hasn't improved. The job centre mess his payments up, people don't give him interviews because he's overqualified, etc. I'm starting to become doubtful though - all this hardship in succession just doesn't seem feasible.

He just 'accidentally' sent a text message to me instead of his girlfriend saying things occurred between us tonight that didn't. I'm wondering if I'm being led up the garden path.

Very true. I hoped that stopping loaning him money would stop me 'enabling' his addiction but I just seem to be getting a load of passive-aggressive grief for trying to help like that. I think it might be in both our best interests if my help went away altogether.

Cheers,
dac

FormerDoormat

I advocate doing what you think is best for you. If you don't look out for your best interests, who will?

Lilyflower

Hey Dac,

One thing that never amazes to suprise me is how manipulative and two faced an alcoholic can be. Once upon a time my abf left for work. I got a phone call, from his boss, who was a friend of ours to say he hoped my mum would feel better soon. Huh? my mum was fine! I told him as much not realising what had happened. Turned out my abf had called in work ill with the excuse that my mum had been rushed to hospital, I was distraught (sp??) and he was minding the kids. All so he could spend the night with a friend getting drunk.

From my experience, which is minimal compared to others here, a's will play you off against whoever in order to get the upperhand, the sympathy vote, money, a place to stay, diffuse an arguement, get out of responsibility, in fact any sticky situation they are in.