My dad came from such a severely alcoholic family that he managed to get himself into a situation of near-total desperation and hopelessness without even drinking. He did not die homeless and destitute, but that is only because he died of a heart-attack shortly before his life got to that point. And the honest truth was, I had told him very directly that no matter how terrible he managed to make his situation he was never going to come to live in my house. I meant that with all my heart, in complete serenity, and without hating him.....and that was long before I came into Al Anon.
My dad's disease -- which he had many, many opportunities to address and to get help for, all of which he chose to ignore -- turned him into a black-hole of constant paranoia, negativity, self-delusion and self-pity. He was the human equivalent an emotional/spiritual parasite that sucked the life-energy and the sanity from anyone who tried to be close or helpful to him. I came to accept that in my mid-twenties and I consciously chose not to put myself -- or my family -- in that position. I had long earlier ceased to love him, in any way beyond the he-is-part-of-god's-creation-too way, and I had grieved the fact that he had never been and was incapable of being the father that every child needs and deserves. I felt a great deal of sorrow for the loss of his life -- but it was also perfectly clear to me that the truth was that his life had been lost long before he died and that my allowing mine to be sucked-away, too, was not going to help or change anything.
Now, of course, it is possible that, at any point, a miracle could have occurred and my dad could have turned his story around...but my program teaches me that I live my life and make my decisions based on what is....not based on what might be....or what I would like to be./..or what I dream of....or on what I was deprived of as a child and am still trying to manipulate out of someone who cannot give it.....my dad was sick and toxic and I owe it to myself and to the trust that my HP has put in me to take care of myself not to allow toxic people -- regardless of their position, their title, or their relationship to me -- to seep their way into my life.
One more thing, I know a lot of people in and out of program who have maintained problematic relationships with parents who exhibit all kinds of unhealthy, hurtful, life-draining behavior. In most cases, these people nourish a hope -- sometime consciously, sometimes not -- that there is going to be some kind of miraculous change, some kind or resolution, some kind of apology and/or clearing of the slate before the parent dies. Then the parent dies and the miracle has not occurred, but because the child has clung to the fantasy and the unfulfilled need -- as opposed to accepting the situation, taking care of themselves and turning to HP to get the need fulfilled -- the grief is excruciating because, aside from losing a parent, the child has also now set themselves up to have to deal with a vital need that -- in their scheme of things -- can now never be fulfilled. (I am dealing with this with a sponsee right now, and it is scary and painful to watch.) For me, my dad's death was sad -- but most of my real grieving had been done long before that and I was (relatively) healthy and whole and, from what I can tell, that made things a lot less torturous for me...and for that, I am very grateful.
freya