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I wish there was a smoking anon!

Old 06-01-2003, 09:11 AM
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we're all mad here!
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I wish there was a smoking anon!

God knows I need it! My s/o put me thru hell with her smoking (3 packs/day and I'm asthmatic) and she's putting me thru even greater hell trying to quit!

I'm a recovering crack addict and recovering alcoholic so I'm applying the 12 steps to this prob, but I REALLY want a smoking anon!
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Old 06-01-2003, 10:38 AM
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Ann
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Moot

LOL - and welcome to the anon forum. Her withdrawls from smoking are not unlike what you went through withdrawing from your drug of choice, and I gotta tell ya - sometimes it isn't pretty.

But it may save her life, so hang in there, feel free to join us here, and learn how to let go of her addiction and her recovery. Just remember that it's about her and her addiction, and you don't have to take ownership of her bad moods.

Hugs and prayers for both of you.
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Old 06-01-2003, 10:48 AM
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Hi Mootpoint

I think my husband would be with you on this one. He is an Alcoholic / crack addict in recovery as well, and I am a smoker - I smoke 15-20 cigs a day, but a smoker is a smoker .

A long time ago, before my husband and I really understood the AA / Alanon programs we made a pact: You quit drinking; I'll quit smoking. That was a disaster. I can't remember who slipped first but we were perfect excuses for each other. If I knew he would be drinking / using, I would go buy a pack of smokes; if he thought I had been smoking, he would go get high.

But, once we started working our OWN programs, we realized that we are completely powerless over each other. We learned that only WE ourselves would suffer if we used, and each had no bearing on the other. If we truly wanted to stay "straight", we had to do it ourselves... you know what I mean?

Back in February, I quit smoking for 2 1/2 months and it felt GREAT! I didn't have my hubby breathing down my back... it was all my own decision.
I ended up going back to smoking when I thought I was "missing out" on something, but it taught me a lot not having the PRESSURE from others to quit. I learned what it took to accomplish the abstinance... and I am looking forward to trying again.

And my husband quit drinking/using about 1 1/2 months ago and is finding a new sense of freedom, peace, happiness as the days go by - he never felt this when I was PRESSURING him to stop; he did it THIS time all on his own.

I think it is important to recognize the difference between nicotine addiction and addiction to a chemical such as alcohol, crack, cocaine, meth, marijuana etc. I share with my husband the CHEMICAL addiciton, but I do not suffer the mood and behavior altering effects of the chemicals HE is addicited to. I am in a SOBER state of mind whether I am smoking or not...
Of course, an addiction is an addiction... I am making NO excuses. I think that you are on the right track by utilizing the tools in Alanon to cope with your wifes' smoking, and the effects on you. Be careful not to impress on her the sarcasm, sinicism and resentment you may feel, no matter how bad you want her to quit. Just keep working on YOU and YOUR program.

Meg
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Old 06-01-2003, 11:03 AM
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Ann,
thankyou for the welcome....I needed that!

Her withdrawls from smoking are not unlike what you went through withdrawing from your drug of choice
I've heard they are worse than heroin.


But it may save her life
Well, she just stomped thru here, grumbled "I give up. I'm gonna buy cigarettes on Tuesday", grabbed her cigarettes, and stomped out. I guess that is that.

Now I'm mad. I'm asthmatic and we are on disability. And "I give up. I'm gonna buy cigarettes on Tuesday".

Just remember that it's about her and her addiction, and you don't have to take ownership of her bad moods.
I don't take ownership of her moods. But this might spell the end of our relationship. I'm really mad.

Emotional Meg sez....

sorry for getting mad on the way to your post...

If we truly wanted to stay "straight", we had to do it ourselves... you know what I mean?
I guess she doesn't want it enough.

only WE ourselves would suffer if we used
As an asthmatic, I suffer. She smokes 3 packs a day. And, as a couple on disbility, I suffer on my half. She's responsible for her half.

but it taught me a lot not having the PRESSURE from others to quit
Maybe that's the problem. She said she quit for me. Maybe that's the wrong reason and why she failed.

. Be careful not to impress on her the sarcasm, sinicism and resentment you may feel, no matter how bad you want her to quit
I'm going to be hard pressed at this point to even talk to her. She is still stomping around. When I'm upset, I'm quiet. I'm being very quiet right now.
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Old 06-01-2003, 11:09 AM
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we just had a screaming match. I'm sleeping on the couch out of my own choice tonight.
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Old 06-01-2003, 11:16 AM
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Moot

I have a confession to make . I am a closet smoker....well not entirely in the closet.

My husband and I both quite years ago, I started again and he hated it. So I don't smoke around him, I don't smoke in the house unless he is working out of town for a long period of time and can air it out before he comes home, and I smoke much much less than I used to - maybe a pack or two a week, instead of a pack a day.

My point is that it is unhealthy for me to smoke and I know that I will need to stop someday soon (okay I'm stalling), but I don't smoke in his space and I don't spend much on cigarettes.

Not that any of this will solve your problem, but she should perhaps keep her smoking out of your space, especially if you are asthmatic.

And I really do pray that she will be able to give it up soon.
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Old 06-01-2003, 11:20 AM
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My point is that it is unhealthy for me to smoke and I know that I will need to stop someday soon (okay I'm stalling), but I don't smoke in his space and I don't spend much on cigarettes
she's a 3 pack a day smoker and we're both on disability.
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Old 06-01-2003, 12:12 PM
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Hi again Moot,
I just realized that in my response to you I did not touch on the fact that you are asthmatic... this is a BIG issue.

As a smoker, who is concerned about the other members of my family, I DO NOT smoke in my house or in the car etc... basically, I smoke where no one is effected by the second hand smoke. It seems that your wife is not taking your health into consideration, and you certainly are justified in having serious issues with this. I am not sure how easy-going or understanding she is, but perhaps you need to sit down and talk to her?

Give her a bit of room, so it does not come across as a forced RULE... Something like "I will not give you a hard time about your smoking - and you will not smoke around me (in house, car etc)".

Just a thought...
Take care
Meg
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Old 06-01-2003, 12:42 PM
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I agree with Meg, I am also a smoker, about 2 packs a day, and I honestly do not think I could give up, for any reason. But you can set down ground rules, tell her you will lay off the moaning about her smoking if she promises not to smoke near you, if she can do that she may find that cutting down is not that bad, it may even lead to her quitting. Speaking for myself, the more pressure I am under to do something I don't want to do, the more I resist doing it, the more moaning I get, the more I resist, and if anyone gets nasty to me, I will respond by doing exactly what they don't want. The female psychi is a complicated one, you need to strategically plan your moves.
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Old 06-01-2003, 01:53 PM
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she is a partner/roomate and, as such, is due half the apartment. She says there is one room she can smoke in out of the apt and she should be able to smoke in that room.

Unfortunately for me, the smoke goes all thru the apt.

Now that it's summer, I might be able to get her to smoke outside.

BTW... hate to tell you guys this, but I'm female Damn that 5th step and its honesty :-)

I remember how it was when she got on me to quit drinking! Gawd I want a drink, but no, I'm not going to have one (don't keep booze in the house).
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Old 06-01-2003, 02:07 PM
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BTW... hate to tell you guys this, but I'm female Damn that 5th step and its honesty :-)
LOL. I have that problem when I post on car sites, I am so used to 'talking' like a guy when posting about our cars that they all assume I am one, on some sites its better to leave it that way - their whole attitude changes, on others the truth prevails.

Anyway you still have the problem of the smoke, I realise you on on disability, but what about getting a extractor fan, something that will syphon the smoke out. If you can't get her to stop then you are going to have to think of a way to get around the problem, and apart from wearing a gas mask all day, the extractor might be the best way to go.
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Old 06-01-2003, 02:28 PM
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on the days when its nice out, she opens the window and blows as much of it out as she can with the aid of a fan. But at 60 ciggies a day, that's a tall order for a fan. It just doesn't do the job.

some sites its better to leave it that way - their whole attitude changes, on others the truth prevails
OMG ain't it the truth! I've encountered that, especially with cars

What does "Noli nothis permittere te terere" mean?
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Old 06-01-2003, 02:41 PM
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Hi again Moot,
Geesh... this would be so much easier if we could all just sit down and have coffee together LOL. :p

Sorry about assuming you were male, guess I fit the stereotype more than I thought.

Anyhoo, I STILL feel very adament about your partner having to smoke OUTSIDE. I just think it is ridiculous that she wouldn't be able to understand what a health risk she is putting you in... but I can't claim to understand everybody, and their intentions. We all know how much of that smoke DOESN'T stay in the room she is smoking in, no matter how many fans you have going. If this is as much of an issue to you as it sounds, TELL her how you feel!

AND.... I wanted to make sure I gave you some praise on how you are handling all of this. You are not just someone who lives with a smoker... you are a recovering addict, and you've done so well! Make sure to get out of the house (if you can) and allow some peace to set in for YOU.

Take care
Meg
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Old 06-01-2003, 02:52 PM
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Sorry about assuming you were male, guess I fit the stereotype more than I thought
Kinda hard to guess gender from the nick "Moot Point", a picture of Marvin the Martian, and a Heinlein quote. Dontworryaboutit

I STILL feel very adament about your partner having to smoke OUTSIDE
We both have seperate leases and she says she should be able to smoke in ONE room of the apartment. This would make sense except, as you observed, the smoke goes much farther than that one room. And if I tell her about it, she either gets EXTREMELY defensive or says she'll start smoking outside and never does.

I wanted to make sure I gave you some praise on how you are handling all of this. You are not just someone who lives with a smoker... you are a recovering addict, and you've done so well
thankyou

Make sure to get out of the house (if you can) and allow some peace to set in for YOU.
I am a major hermit so getting out of the house is tough for me, except for my AA meetings. And I'm looking forward to that AA meeting tonight.

She's already calmed down, but it takes me a little while longer to calm down. I'm putting on a calm facade because I appreciate the effort she's going to to make peace. I am really looking forward to that AA meeting!
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Old 06-01-2003, 03:16 PM
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What does the latin phrase mean, well in respect of the no swearing rules on the forum, and I hate seeing swearwords in print so I can't translate it, its not that bad tho'.
Basically it means 'Don't let the B*****ds get you down'
*'s were put in by me, otherwise go to ***** search, paste in the latin phrase, and you can have fun finding latin phrases for all sorts of situations. Just go to any of the sites that be listed, its quite funny actually. Well it appeals to my rather wierd sense of humour.
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Old 06-01-2003, 03:19 PM
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Basically it means 'Don't let the B*****ds get you down'
LOL LOL There are some Heinlein quotes I'd like to use but can't because of, uh, content.
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Old 06-01-2003, 03:38 PM
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Thats why I like those Latin sites, no matter what you say, it still looks good.
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