A mother searching for answers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
A mother searching for answers
I am really new to this experience, so please forgive my computer skills. My son is an alcoholic. Wow, that is a word I never dreamed of typing much less saying. While he was in college, I thought it was only a party mode. Well, the party ended several years ago and the drinking is horrible. He has now been employed three times due to his drinking. He is single and asmits he has a problem.
The part that you guys might be able to assist me. He lies, hides the booze and the mood swings are horrible. He tells me he is in out patient rehab...joke. The rest of the family has given up. He is my son, I will never give up.
I don't know how to help him...would someone offer some suggestions
The part that you guys might be able to assist me. He lies, hides the booze and the mood swings are horrible. He tells me he is in out patient rehab...joke. The rest of the family has given up. He is my son, I will never give up.
I don't know how to help him...would someone offer some suggestions
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, sunshine I'm glad you're here and I hope we can be of some help. Please notice the stickies at the top of our forum. You will find a great deal to read and a wealth of information on this terrible disease. As I always suggest, please find Al-Anon meetings in your area. Try six meetings, which is what is suggested to newcomers, and see if you find a few that work for you. It took me awhile, but I found my niche at two meetings in my area.
Here's where all of us have had to start when we had reached our wit's end (and hit our respective bottoms) with the A ("alcoholic") in our lives: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." Notice I didn't say that the alcoholic's life had become unmanageable. This is the first step: I had to admit I was powerless over the ALCOHOL. MY own life had become as crazy as the A's. I was making myself crazy trying to figure out the mood swings, outbursts, blaming, drama, chaos, and downright insanity. I was so involved in the A's mess, I had lost my own life. I was trying to fix someone else. I wasn't taking care of fixing ME. The drinking was driving me nuts. I was probably crazier than my AH ("alcoholic husband") because at least there was a reason he was out of his mind - he was frying his brain with booze!
It hurts each of us, but we have to get out of their way and let them hit their bottom. They won't stop until they want to stop. I'm sorry I can't tell you what else you can do to help him. He's a grown man. He has to stop by himself. He alone has to make the very personal decision to seek sobriety. Give up? No, you don't have to give up. Have you heard the slogan, "Let go and Let God"? That's what you need to do. Someone told me last summer that we can love an A, but oftentimes we have to love them at a distance.
Lying is part and parcel with the disease. He's lying to himself. He's lying to you. He's lying to everyone. You can't make him see the light, although when he's sober you can suggest he seek treatment and attend A.A. Do you think he's actually attending an outpatient rehab but not taking it seriously or do you think he's outright lying about that too and not in one?
Here's where all of us have had to start when we had reached our wit's end (and hit our respective bottoms) with the A ("alcoholic") in our lives: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." Notice I didn't say that the alcoholic's life had become unmanageable. This is the first step: I had to admit I was powerless over the ALCOHOL. MY own life had become as crazy as the A's. I was making myself crazy trying to figure out the mood swings, outbursts, blaming, drama, chaos, and downright insanity. I was so involved in the A's mess, I had lost my own life. I was trying to fix someone else. I wasn't taking care of fixing ME. The drinking was driving me nuts. I was probably crazier than my AH ("alcoholic husband") because at least there was a reason he was out of his mind - he was frying his brain with booze!
It hurts each of us, but we have to get out of their way and let them hit their bottom. They won't stop until they want to stop. I'm sorry I can't tell you what else you can do to help him. He's a grown man. He has to stop by himself. He alone has to make the very personal decision to seek sobriety. Give up? No, you don't have to give up. Have you heard the slogan, "Let go and Let God"? That's what you need to do. Someone told me last summer that we can love an A, but oftentimes we have to love them at a distance.
Lying is part and parcel with the disease. He's lying to himself. He's lying to you. He's lying to everyone. You can't make him see the light, although when he's sober you can suggest he seek treatment and attend A.A. Do you think he's actually attending an outpatient rehab but not taking it seriously or do you think he's outright lying about that too and not in one?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
(((Sunshine))))
My son is also an alcholic and drug addict. He's been drinking since he's been 13 apparently. He's now 33 and no closer to getting sober, although now, he's expecting a child.
He's also been through a plethora of good jobs and lost them.
He's lost his driver's license
He's lost respect.
He's lost friends and lover's.
He's lost the right to be in my home unless clean and sober, so he doesn't come around often. He told me yesterday that he had stopped using(questionable) but, wasn't ready to quit drinking. I told him that was his choice. That I couldn't be around him when he was drinking. It's just too painful for everyone involved. It's a shame, he could be so much more than what he chooses to be.
___________________
Trish
My son is also an alcholic and drug addict. He's been drinking since he's been 13 apparently. He's now 33 and no closer to getting sober, although now, he's expecting a child.
He's also been through a plethora of good jobs and lost them.
He's lost his driver's license
He's lost respect.
He's lost friends and lover's.
He's lost the right to be in my home unless clean and sober, so he doesn't come around often. He told me yesterday that he had stopped using(questionable) but, wasn't ready to quit drinking. I told him that was his choice. That I couldn't be around him when he was drinking. It's just too painful for everyone involved. It's a shame, he could be so much more than what he chooses to be.
___________________
Trish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by prodigal 
Welcome, sunshine I'm glad you're here and I hope we can be of some help. Please notice the stickies at the top of our forum. You will find a great deal to read and a wealth of information on this terrible disease. As I always suggest, please find Al-Anon meetings in your area. Try six meetings, which is what is suggested to newcomers, and see if you find a few that work for you. It took me awhile, but I found my niche at two meetings in my area.
Here's where all of us have had to start when we had reached our wit's end (and hit our respective bottoms) with the A ("alcoholic") in our lives: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." Notice I didn't say that the alcoholic's life had become unmanageable. This is the first step: I had to admit I was powerless over the ALCOHOL. MY own life had become as crazy as the A's. I was making myself crazy trying to figure out the mood swings, outbursts, blaming, drama, chaos, and downright insanity. I was so involved in the A's mess, I had lost my own life. I was trying to fix someone else. I wasn't taking care of fixing ME. The drinking was driving me nuts. I was probably crazier than my AH ("alcoholic husband") because at least there was a reason he was out of his mind - he was frying his brain with booze!
It hurts each of us, but we have to get out of their way and let them hit their bottom. They won't stop until they want to stop. I'm sorry I can't tell you what else you can do to help him. He's a grown man. He has to stop by himself. He alone has to make the very personal decision to seek sobriety. Give up? No, you don't have to give up. Have you heard the slogan, "Let go and Let God"? That's what you need to do. Someone told me last summer that we can love an A, but oftentimes we have to love them at a distance.
Lying is part and parcel with the disease. He's lying to himself. He's lying to you. He's lying to everyone. You can't make him see the light, although when he's sober you can suggest he seek treatment and attend A.A. Do you think he's actually attending an outpatient rehab but not taking it seriously or do you think he's outright lying about that too and not in one?
Here's where all of us have had to start when we had reached our wit's end (and hit our respective bottoms) with the A ("alcoholic") in our lives: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." Notice I didn't say that the alcoholic's life had become unmanageable. This is the first step: I had to admit I was powerless over the ALCOHOL. MY own life had become as crazy as the A's. I was making myself crazy trying to figure out the mood swings, outbursts, blaming, drama, chaos, and downright insanity. I was so involved in the A's mess, I had lost my own life. I was trying to fix someone else. I wasn't taking care of fixing ME. The drinking was driving me nuts. I was probably crazier than my AH ("alcoholic husband") because at least there was a reason he was out of his mind - he was frying his brain with booze!
It hurts each of us, but we have to get out of their way and let them hit their bottom. They won't stop until they want to stop. I'm sorry I can't tell you what else you can do to help him. He's a grown man. He has to stop by himself. He alone has to make the very personal decision to seek sobriety. Give up? No, you don't have to give up. Have you heard the slogan, "Let go and Let God"? That's what you need to do. Someone told me last summer that we can love an A, but oftentimes we have to love them at a distance.
Lying is part and parcel with the disease. He's lying to himself. He's lying to you. He's lying to everyone. You can't make him see the light, although when he's sober you can suggest he seek treatment and attend A.A. Do you think he's actually attending an outpatient rehab but not taking it seriously or do you think he's outright lying about that too and not in one?
About his rehab I know he did attend the meetings for a period of time. He requested, I go with him to the first visit. I was so proud of him! After a few weeks the lies started. He would always make excuses (without me asking) why he didn't go that day. His speak would be slurring, you know the story.
It is so nice to have this site and people who share the same issues.
Thank you again for the support. Now, I have to figure out how to post this to you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Hi LadyJane, it appears we have been down the same road together. My son is 34, great education. However, the past four years the drinking is out of hand. Sounds like you have already been where I am....How did you guys let go? I feel like I am so guilty of something as a mother, what could I have done different...I am sure all of you understand. I have already in my taken the first step. Starting the first of August the only expenses I will pay is his health insurance. I have been paying everything for the past 5 months he has been unemployed.
I am so happy the God lead me to this site. I just have to figure out how to use it
I am so happy the God lead me to this site. I just have to figure out how to use it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Just wanted to drop by and say hello and welcome here- keep coming back, say whatever you like and get it all off your chest. Many many people here in your same shoes. Read everything you can about the disease, the more you learn the better you will feel. My A was my x-BF and father to my 10yr old daughter. He is now deceased, but I had to learn that I couldnt help him, it took me years to do so, but this place helped me get where I am today.
Keep coming, keep reading and drop by anytime. Your not alone!
Keep coming, keep reading and drop by anytime. Your not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Wow, I am sitting here typing this with tears running down my face. You guys are the greatest. It was/is so hard to watch my family be torn apart. They are not talking to each other, not welcomed....you know the rest. It make me feel like you have to make a choice while having your heart ripped apart....
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Before I reached the point where I was able to detach myself from my AH's problems, yeah some depression set in. Now that I left my AH, I still incredible sadness sometimes that he is unwilling to take the steps to help himself, to regain the person he used to be and could be again. But its his problem, not mine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?"
I think that anybody who is in any kind of relationship with an addict gets "consumed" by the addict's disease. Enabling and co-dependent behaviours are crazy-making.
((((((((Sunshine)))))) The wonderful advice you will find on this board is for you!
Welcome!
ARL
I think that anybody who is in any kind of relationship with an addict gets "consumed" by the addict's disease. Enabling and co-dependent behaviours are crazy-making.
((((((((Sunshine)))))) The wonderful advice you will find on this board is for you!
Welcome!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sunshine85
Wow, I am sitting here typing this with tears running down my face. You guys are the greatest. It was/is so hard to watch my family be torn apart. They are not talking to each other, not welcomed....you know the rest. It make me feel like you have to make a choice while having your heart ripped apart....
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
I became very depressed and physically ill as well.
The great thing I hear over and over in Al-Anon is how when one person changes, it increases the chances others will, too. Keeping the focus on my own recovery allows others to take control of their own lives. I became a positive force in my own life.
Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Sunshine
It took me a long,long time to let go. We didn't make him move out until after he was 30 and he's been back a few times since then.
My son has been a master manipulator and I've allowed him to make me feel guilty and put him before everyone else in our home. He's not the only one sad to say. I also have an ad who's 2 yr old son I and my husband are raising.
My son nor my daughter are allowed to live in our home anymore. They have lied, stolen, cheated and done everything imaginable.
I still love them, but I can't tolerate their behavior anymore.
______________
Trish
It took me a long,long time to let go. We didn't make him move out until after he was 30 and he's been back a few times since then.
My son has been a master manipulator and I've allowed him to make me feel guilty and put him before everyone else in our home. He's not the only one sad to say. I also have an ad who's 2 yr old son I and my husband are raising.
My son nor my daughter are allowed to live in our home anymore. They have lied, stolen, cheated and done everything imaginable.
I still love them, but I can't tolerate their behavior anymore.
______________
Trish
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by ladyjane
Sunshine
It took me a long,long time to let go. We didn't make him move out until after he was 30 and he's been back a few times since then.
My son has been a master manipulator and I've allowed him to make me feel guilty and put him before everyone else in our home. He's not the only one sad to say. I also have an ad who's 2 yr old son I and my husband are raising.
My son nor my daughter are allowed to live in our home anymore. They have lied, stolen, cheated and done everything imaginable.
I still love them, but I can't tolerate their behavior anymore.
______________
Trish
It took me a long,long time to let go. We didn't make him move out until after he was 30 and he's been back a few times since then.
My son has been a master manipulator and I've allowed him to make me feel guilty and put him before everyone else in our home. He's not the only one sad to say. I also have an ad who's 2 yr old son I and my husband are raising.
My son nor my daughter are allowed to live in our home anymore. They have lied, stolen, cheated and done everything imaginable.
I still love them, but I can't tolerate their behavior anymore.
______________
Trish
If you don't mind me asking: How did you tell then not to come back? I understand that you still love them very much. I can ditto the part about not tolerating their behavior anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 26
Dear Sunshine85: My son is 36, an alcoholic. We have been dealing with his problem for the last 8 years. It started with the nightclub/party/college scene and has escallated to full blown. He has lost everything - his apartment, car, job, income and as we speak is in a rehab/half-way house - sober for 10 days. Just went to court this morning and had a judgment levied against him for past due rent at his apartment complex. We are thankful for small favors - 10 days without alcohol, he's on a work program, has a roof over his head and 3 squares a day. The name of the facility is Good Samaritan. They are a Christian based, non-profit organization that takes in those who have basically hit bottom. I will say this because I know - there is nothing you can do for your son until he wants to do something for himself. For some alcoholics, like my son, it takes great loss. My son is a college grad and was making $65,000+, beautiful apartment, etc. He is now homeless. My husband and I will not take him in. That probably sounds callous, but I will say this because I know - he will take you for every dime, dollar, sense of sanity, time and send you and your whole family into a down spiral IF YOU LET HIM. The tough love has got to come from someone. Establish rules and if those rules get broken - get tough. You may have to change the locks on your house, you may have to lock all the doors and make him sleep outside if he comes home drunk. The bottom line is he either needs to abide by your rules or get out. Tough love isn't giving up one someone, it's erecting boundaries for his well being and for yours. Maybe you can't controll him, but you can control what you will and will not allow. Start there.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Another Mom here to welcome you. If he is living at home you have leverage. You could do an intervention, with professional or using Debra Jay's book (see it at amazon) He goes to rehab or gets out or lose anything else you give to him. I have known my only child is an addict for 5 yrs. and it still hurts to say it, think it + know it. 5 yrs, of Al-Anon has been a savior, especially bec of the close friends in the same situation that I have now. My AS has been to rehab 2x and both times carried on w/ drugging shortly thereafter. It seems most go to rehab 4-5 times bef. they work recovery upon discharge. I know your pain and disbelief. We are here to support on another. Glad you found us.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi Sunshine, welcome! My exabf is 34 and has been drinking since he was 17. At Christmas he hit his rock bottom (on his own) and sought out AA with my encouragement and I went with him. He's now been sobrer 7 months (i believe). I was at Al Anon last night and it's a great support system as is SR. Stay here, read, post, there's so much information that can be learned for yourself as well as your son. Good luck and hugs.
heather
heather
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
welcome (((((sunshine)))))
My XABF is 35 and on his own. He didn't start going to meetings regularly until I kicked him out of the house, but I have a feeling he's not yet doing it for himself. Regardless, I try to detach and take care of myself.
Lies - it's what active A's do.
Glad you're here!
My XABF is 35 and on his own. He didn't start going to meetings regularly until I kicked him out of the house, but I have a feeling he's not yet doing it for himself. Regardless, I try to detach and take care of myself.
Lies - it's what active A's do.
Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Sunshine
We told them they couldn't come to our home drinking or using. If they did we we're going to call the police.
Two weeks ago my son came home with the intention of moving in again. My daughter called me at work and I told him that he couldn't move back in, especially after a previous episode in which he cursed me and intimidated me in my own home.
He said "Mom, you said you forgave me for that". I said "I do forgive you, but I haven't forgotten, nor will I allow it to happen again".
In the meantime, his dad came home and made him leave. He went back to girlfriend.
Daughter called today and wanted to come home. Of course she's using again. Dad told her absolutely not!! If either of them come and are using or drinking we will call the police. I'm tired of the merry-go-round and I don't want my grandson exposed to it any more than he's already been.
____________________
Trish
We told them they couldn't come to our home drinking or using. If they did we we're going to call the police.
Two weeks ago my son came home with the intention of moving in again. My daughter called me at work and I told him that he couldn't move back in, especially after a previous episode in which he cursed me and intimidated me in my own home.
He said "Mom, you said you forgave me for that". I said "I do forgive you, but I haven't forgotten, nor will I allow it to happen again".
In the meantime, his dad came home and made him leave. He went back to girlfriend.
Daughter called today and wanted to come home. Of course she's using again. Dad told her absolutely not!! If either of them come and are using or drinking we will call the police. I'm tired of the merry-go-round and I don't want my grandson exposed to it any more than he's already been.
____________________
Trish
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