A mother searching for answers
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Hey everyone! Thank you for all your support and encouragement. You guys gave the strength to say, "I didn't cause this, it was his choices" just like all of us, we have made some mistakes and moved on.
Today when he called an his speaking was slurring somwhat...he told me he wasn't drinking. My reply: If you aren't drinking maybe you over did your meds or a reaction. Or you might simply be using something...I HAVE NEVER said anything like that to my AS...it wasn't pretty what happen after that with all the comments.
I have to tell you guys something. I have all the respect in the world for all the advise and sharing you have given me. I felt like the VERIZON commercial, I was up front and knew I had the suport network behind me...thanks!
He was doing the blame game, guilt, and I told him flat out I would not accept bad behavior...you know the rest....dial tone. Any other time I would have cried all the way home, this time, it felt good to get it out in the open.
OK...my mentors what next.
Today when he called an his speaking was slurring somwhat...he told me he wasn't drinking. My reply: If you aren't drinking maybe you over did your meds or a reaction. Or you might simply be using something...I HAVE NEVER said anything like that to my AS...it wasn't pretty what happen after that with all the comments.
I have to tell you guys something. I have all the respect in the world for all the advise and sharing you have given me. I felt like the VERIZON commercial, I was up front and knew I had the suport network behind me...thanks!
He was doing the blame game, guilt, and I told him flat out I would not accept bad behavior...you know the rest....dial tone. Any other time I would have cried all the way home, this time, it felt good to get it out in the open.
OK...my mentors what next.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by parentrecovers 
mom of an alcoholic/addict daughter here - mom hugs! k
(go to alanon - it helps!)
(go to alanon - it helps!)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 14
unsure?
Originally Posted by sunshine85
Wow, I am sitting here typing this with tears running down my face. You guys are the greatest. It was/is so hard to watch my family be torn apart. They are not talking to each other, not welcomed....you know the rest. It make me feel like you have to make a choice while having your heart ripped apart....
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
Thank you guys so much! I am look for the Al-Anon meetings in my area.
Did you find yourself so consumed that you where becoming depressed yourself?
I also have kids that say.. " AS is not welcome, what do you do or say?"
I dont want to turn my AS away.. I think my other kids should understand he needs our support.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by 2much2handle
I also have kids that say.. " AS is not welcome, what do you do or say?"
I dont want to turn my AS away.. I think my other kids should understand he needs our support.
I dont want to turn my AS away.. I think my other kids should understand he needs our support.
There is a huge difference between support and enabling. Enabling only makes everything worse for everyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
There is a huge difference between support and enabling. Enabling only makes everything worse for everyone.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, enabling my AH involved so many things, large and small. I allowed him to sit on his butt and drink, unemployed for 2 years while I worked everyday, paid for everything, cleaned the house, took care of the yard, and so on. I also enabled by getting angry and fighting with him over his drinking so that he could tell himself he was drinking 'cause I was so "mean." I enabled by not letting reality hit him in the face, by rescuing him from the consequences of his choices.
I finally had enough of him screwing up my life. I left him.
He is now responsibile for all his choices. He still isn't working so I have no idea how he'll pay bills such as utilities. But its no longer my problem. He says he's stopped drinking but he won't go to AA or anything. He still views himself as a victim, nothing is his own fault. He will hopefully reach a point where he wants to change his life and work toward recovery. But again its his choice and I have removed myself from the situation.
I know its different emotionally when its your child rather than a spouse. But, logically, rationally, its the same thing. You do the addict no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. That may be the simplest way to define enabling really.
I finally had enough of him screwing up my life. I left him.
He is now responsibile for all his choices. He still isn't working so I have no idea how he'll pay bills such as utilities. But its no longer my problem. He says he's stopped drinking but he won't go to AA or anything. He still views himself as a victim, nothing is his own fault. He will hopefully reach a point where he wants to change his life and work toward recovery. But again its his choice and I have removed myself from the situation.
I know its different emotionally when its your child rather than a spouse. But, logically, rationally, its the same thing. You do the addict no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. That may be the simplest way to define enabling really.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
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Originally Posted by Tenderheart
Dear Sunshine85: My son is 36, an alcoholic. We have been dealing with his problem for the last 8 years. It started with the nightclub/party/college scene and has escallated to full blown. He has lost everything - his apartment, car, job, income and as we speak is in a rehab/half-way house - sober for 10 days. Just went to court this morning and had a judgment levied against him for past due rent at his apartment complex. We are thankful for small favors - 10 days without alcohol, he's on a work program, has a roof over his head and 3 squares a day. The name of the facility is Good Samaritan. They are a Christian based, non-profit organization that takes in those who have basically hit bottom. I will say this because I know - there is nothing you can do for your son until he wants to do something for himself. For some alcoholics, like my son, it takes great loss. My son is a college grad and was making $65,000+, beautiful apartment, etc. He is now homeless. My husband and I will not take him in. That probably sounds callous, but I will say this because I know - he will take you for every dime, dollar, sense of sanity, time and send you and your whole family into a down spiral IF YOU LET HIM. The tough love has got to come from someone. Establish rules and if those rules get broken - get tough. You may have to change the locks on your house, you may have to lock all the doors and make him sleep outside if he comes home drunk. The bottom line is he either needs to abide by your rules or get out. Tough love isn't giving up one someone, it's erecting boundaries for his well being and for yours. Maybe you can't controll him, but you can control what you will and will not allow. Start there.
You are very wise and and have worded the above direct and to the point. I can empathize with you as a parent. It is terrible to do the tough love stuff but we must realize it is the "loving thing to do" as continuing to help them will only hurt them.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome sunshine85,
I am sorry you are having to travel down this road as so many of us have. I think al-anon will be great for you and your family if you can get them to attend. I am so proud of you for your conversation with your son. It's great you can begin to make a change. You may not be able to change your son but you certainly can change how his actions effect you from now on. His reactions are a good indicator of your changes, the madder he may get, know how much stronger you are becoming.
Glad you are here, I wish my boyfriends mother got involved with al-anon and learned different ways to address addiction. Her solutions were always to send him to expensive re-habs but never got involved, she left that up to the doctors.
I know there are alot of parents here who can really help you and offer from their own experiences, glad you found this site.
I am sorry you are having to travel down this road as so many of us have. I think al-anon will be great for you and your family if you can get them to attend. I am so proud of you for your conversation with your son. It's great you can begin to make a change. You may not be able to change your son but you certainly can change how his actions effect you from now on. His reactions are a good indicator of your changes, the madder he may get, know how much stronger you are becoming.
Glad you are here, I wish my boyfriends mother got involved with al-anon and learned different ways to address addiction. Her solutions were always to send him to expensive re-habs but never got involved, she left that up to the doctors.
I know there are alot of parents here who can really help you and offer from their own experiences, glad you found this site.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Hi Sunshine,
I just started posting here this week and new to all of this too. I must say there are some really great people here. I have a long way to go yet for my own recovery with AH and still listening and taking all this in. This board was my first baby step. My life is a total mess and when I found this board I was literally crying my eyes out, overwhelmed and feeling mentally paralyzed. I couldn't think straight at all. These folks immediately responded with some good solid advice, inspiration and support I never dreamed existed.
I spent this week researching Al-Anon meetings in my area that might work for me and my work schedule. I found meetings not too far from my home available every evening of the week! I'm sure there must be meetings where you live too.
I just started posting here this week and new to all of this too. I must say there are some really great people here. I have a long way to go yet for my own recovery with AH and still listening and taking all this in. This board was my first baby step. My life is a total mess and when I found this board I was literally crying my eyes out, overwhelmed and feeling mentally paralyzed. I couldn't think straight at all. These folks immediately responded with some good solid advice, inspiration and support I never dreamed existed.
I spent this week researching Al-Anon meetings in my area that might work for me and my work schedule. I found meetings not too far from my home available every evening of the week! I'm sure there must be meetings where you live too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Almost a good day
Today was a good day with my son...I swear, it seems like you get adult child calm and then something else happen in the family. DRAMA...the older I get the less I like it..know what I mean...I think, no I know my other adult children are upset with me for enabling my AS..now, I know it is called that and not helping him...thank guys! One day at a time...
Will there ever be peace with the family?
Will there ever be peace with the family?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by 2much2handle
how do you decided if you are enabling or supporting.. I am also struggling with this and cant help but wonder?
any insight sunshine?
any insight sunshine?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
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Originally Posted by atalose
Welcome sunshine85,
I am sorry you are having to travel down this road as so many of us have. I think al-anon will be great for you and your family if you can get them to attend. I am so proud of you for your conversation with your son. It's great you can begin to make a change. You may not be able to change your son but you certainly can change how his actions effect you from now on. His reactions are a good indicator of your changes, the madder he may get, know how much stronger you are becoming.
Glad you are here, I wish my boyfriends mother got involved with al-anon and learned different ways to address addiction. Her solutions were always to send him to expensive re-habs but never got involved, she left that up to the doctors.
I know there are alot of parents here who can really help you and offer from their own experiences, glad you found this site.
I am sorry you are having to travel down this road as so many of us have. I think al-anon will be great for you and your family if you can get them to attend. I am so proud of you for your conversation with your son. It's great you can begin to make a change. You may not be able to change your son but you certainly can change how his actions effect you from now on. His reactions are a good indicator of your changes, the madder he may get, know how much stronger you are becoming.
Glad you are here, I wish my boyfriends mother got involved with al-anon and learned different ways to address addiction. Her solutions were always to send him to expensive re-habs but never got involved, she left that up to the doctors.
I know there are alot of parents here who can really help you and offer from their own experiences, glad you found this site.
I can't tell you how much I appricate this site and everyone..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Lady Blue: You described my life, "My life is a total mess and when I found this board I was literally crying my eyes out, overwhelmed and feeling mentally paralyzed. I couldn't think straight at all. These folks immediately responded with some good solid advice, inspiration and support I never dreamed existed."
It's funny how strangers can come into your life and give you support...maybe, becuase we all have shared the pain...
It's funny how strangers can come into your life and give you support...maybe, becuase we all have shared the pain...
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 26
Enabling vs. Supporting
Dear Sunshine: the difference between enabling and supporting has much to do with what your son is willing to do to meet you half way. When he shows you by his actions that he willing to start doing what you have asked of him, then you can begin to support him with his needs (not wants - there's a difference). Enabling means you do things that contribute toward helping him to continue on the path of his addition rather than forcing change. For instance, we paid my son's rent, caught him up on bills, etc. while he did nothing but continue to drink. That is enabling. When my son finally hit bottom and committed himself to rehab, we began to help him with things like filing bankruptcy and helping him with his materials needs as he committed himself toward sobriety. You might ask youself the question, is my support (monetary or otherwise) helping my son to make needed changes in his life for the better, or will it contribute toward helping him continue his current lifestyle.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
Hi Everyone....well the money support DID stop except for paying his COBRA insurance. he was recently in an accident (not his fault-really)..$500 decutible. He will have to pay. Car is in the shop getting repaired. In the mean time he has had his resume out in the area. He was called today for the last interview. He got the position...no more from me...90 days probation time.
In the mean time my daughter is not taling to me becuase she thinks I have chosen to stay home and take care of my AS instead of going to something for my grand daughter 8 hours away. I tried to explain with apying the double bills and it that time of the year to pay flood and home insurance. The money was a little tight. She is upset because she thinks, it is because of AS....it isn't it really is the money is to tight..... My ex was going to pay for an airline ticket then my daughter got upset because I was coming, thought it was a guilt trip....man, I can't win for losing... it seems like you get one adult child calm and hear goes the other one. I do understand I have been enabling and supporting my AS... it's a mother thing.
After finding this site, it has helped me in so many ways. I just want to go somewhere and have a good long cry and make all the bad ju-ju (bad stuff) go away...
I love and support all my children but they are upset with me because of my AS....I give up... I am one day at a time...
In the mean time my daughter is not taling to me becuase she thinks I have chosen to stay home and take care of my AS instead of going to something for my grand daughter 8 hours away. I tried to explain with apying the double bills and it that time of the year to pay flood and home insurance. The money was a little tight. She is upset because she thinks, it is because of AS....it isn't it really is the money is to tight..... My ex was going to pay for an airline ticket then my daughter got upset because I was coming, thought it was a guilt trip....man, I can't win for losing... it seems like you get one adult child calm and hear goes the other one. I do understand I have been enabling and supporting my AS... it's a mother thing.
After finding this site, it has helped me in so many ways. I just want to go somewhere and have a good long cry and make all the bad ju-ju (bad stuff) go away...
I love and support all my children but they are upset with me because of my AS....I give up... I am one day at a time...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 14
[QUOTE=sunshine85. I tried to explain with the double bills ...
I love and support all my children but they are upset with me because of my AS....I give up...
QUOTE]
You give up??? WHAT? Let me get this right.. you are giving up on your sober kids & Grandkids who are tired of you coddling your AS.. I am in the same situation.. BUT, like I said in my last post get to an Al-anon meeting.. it has helped me to start to open my eyes.. I am now (after just a few meetings) starting to relize: what I have given up, what lies I have belived, and how much I have to admend for with my other children & granchilldren.
DONT GIVE UP... NEVER GIVE UP! (at least I wont.. I CANT)
I love and support all my children but they are upset with me because of my AS....I give up...
QUOTE]
You give up??? WHAT? Let me get this right.. you are giving up on your sober kids & Grandkids who are tired of you coddling your AS.. I am in the same situation.. BUT, like I said in my last post get to an Al-anon meeting.. it has helped me to start to open my eyes.. I am now (after just a few meetings) starting to relize: what I have given up, what lies I have belived, and how much I have to admend for with my other children & granchilldren.
DONT GIVE UP... NEVER GIVE UP! (at least I wont.. I CANT)
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As a mother of a addict and alchoholic son myself, I can tell you that nothing you do will make a difference. They must fall down, reach bottom and decide for themselves to get help. We cant force it on them, and we cant make them want to quit.
If you enable him, meaning you are cleaning up after he skrews up, you are not allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions.
I quit enabling my son. I didn't know what else to do until I found alanon.
Now, I see that I could very well stand in the way of his getting better, because they will continue to drink untill they feel those consequences, and those consequences are the very thing that make them want to get on the road to recovery.
If you enable him, meaning you are cleaning up after he skrews up, you are not allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions.
I quit enabling my son. I didn't know what else to do until I found alanon.
Now, I see that I could very well stand in the way of his getting better, because they will continue to drink untill they feel those consequences, and those consequences are the very thing that make them want to get on the road to recovery.
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