hbb

Hi, i'm back writing again, i text with my bf who wanted a break, today is his 6 months sober, he still insists he wants a break and will not see me when i mention even once in a while. He still claims he loves me and wants to clear his head, i've flat out asked him if there was someone else and he says no, not very strong no but says no. Should i be worried about him meeting someone at AA? I don't want to be that person that follows him or checks up on him but my gut tells me that's why he's pushing me away and what if we do talk and he wants things to work out, should i be worried that it didn't work out with someone else, is there someone else? I asked him in a text "is there someone else, is that why he's avoiding me" and he sent back a ? mark and i said it again.....did he meet someone? He said we already talked about this and so I wrote "so no?" and he wrote back "right". Should i take his word?

parentrecovers

i was really struggling awhile back and astro sent me the passage below - i hope you take comfort in it today:

From the Big Book of AA-

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Keep saying that serenity prayer;-)

hbb

Thank you for that passage, I just can't stop thinking there is someone else, i really wish i could just take his word for it. At first those thoughts never crossed my mind but as time has passed and he's still distant i can't help but wonder. He wouldn't even see me on my birthday, instead, dropped a gift off when no one was home.

parentrecovers

you have no control of what he does. you have many choices as to how you are affected by all this. let it go, just for today, let it go. you deserve some peace today.

blessings, k

QU31

I used to worry about this all the time. Then I realized I am totally powerless over whether he meets someone in AA. Just like I am totally powerless over whether he meets someone in the grocery store, at the gym, etc. I try really, really hard not to obsess over the things I am powerless over. Sometimes this means saying the serenity prayer over and over again, maybe even for an hour. The good news is, it does get a little easier. The other good news is, even if he does meet someone else out there in the world, this only means there is someone more wonderful out there waiting to meet you.

Spiritual Seeker

Leave him alone. The more you push + cling the more he will retreat. You will be most attractive in your strength not your weakness. He is a recovering addict. To stay sober they are told to do everything differently. Let him get on with his life and you do the same, because you have no other choice. Remember the "Serenity Prayer"
Have the strength to Change the things you can, accept the things you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. He is changing his life and you have the opportunity to do the same. You've been dating an addict, figure out your own behavior and part in that. Use the pain of this separation as a motivator for change.
"Letting go + detachment" literature can be found inAlanon publications available at the library, online and here at SR.

minnie

I'm gonna be blunt here - he giving every sign that he's just not into you at the moment. The only reason you think otherwise is because of 3 little words he is saying and those are keeping you from seeing the real picture.

Why are you so desperate to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you at this point in time? Don't you deserve more?

hbb

Thank you so much, it makes total sense, I really wish i could take his word that there isn't someone else and get that out of my head without checking up on him because i'm not that kind of person, but can't help wondering if he's being truthful and if i can trust his word if things do work out in the end. I know there are probably no answers but to know me you would find i wear my heart on my sleeve and would do anything for him or anyone and NEVER do anything less for someone.

parentrecovers

trust is just not possible sometimes. so let it go. and let it take the course it is supposed to take. let go today. blessings, k

Spiritual Seeker

The only thing he needs you to do for him is give him space. Try not to live in fear doubt and worry. for today you are separated...what are ya gonna do with that reality. Make the most of your freedom to do something besides obsess about him. Really hear really see and act.

hbb

I know Minnie and thank you, I need to hear it bluntly. We unfortuantely are financially bound together, he owes me alot of money which is set up at the bank for him to pay once a month so i don't know if i just continue to check that thats being done and move on that way. I told myself as long as he paid that tomorrow that it would give me a solid month to do for me till the next payment and see what happens if he contacts me or whatnot.

hbb

Thank you SS, you've been wonderful to speak with over the past week or so. I couldn't get through this alone, that's for sure. I guess it comes down to insecurities that i've experienced from a past cheating relationship and assume this is the same where in fact i should take what he says but not sure if i whole heartedly believe him. I do know that he's not the type to constantly reassure me but just get a funny feeling that maybe "someone" is getting him through this other than his male sponsor.

minnie

I spoke to you previously about the financial thing and Denny mentioned getting a signed promissory note. Have you looked into doing that?

hbb

Yup I did that at the start of the loan and he totally was willing and agreed to do anything i asked so thank God i did that. And we had it notorized so I did cover my butt there and i know him better than to be like that and stiff me on the loan. Just i guess that part of me was holding on to things like that, like maybe that would make him realize that i do do good for him...not saying i want a relationship because of a loan but was on the back of my mind that we were working together for a future together.

embraced2000

so lets say the worst happened....what you have been suspecting. then what? i used to obsess over my a's actions, too. awfulizing, what-ifing, projecting.....it was a big waste of emotion and time for me....altho i didn't realize it at the moment.

i was so used to chaos, that i craved chaos from my xh. if he was on an even keel, i would rock the boat to get my fix. then i could start the worry and obsessing all over again, and i would be "ok" for a while.

the best thing i ever did for myself during this time, was to drag my ass to al-anon meetings and start the process of recovery.

hbb

I am obsessing over it thinking if it does work out will i ever know the truth, do i believe him, i'm not one to follow him around as i said, maybe i should. My head really hurts and i truly feel like i'm going to end up sick. I was going to go to Al Anon because it started at week 1 again but originally i was going to see my bf go get his 6 month chip but why, for him to ignore me some more as i stand by him, i'm done with that, i was going to bring a card to his truck but why, like you've all said for what anymore?? Its obvious i don't trust him if my head is racing this way even though he's given me NO reason to mistrust him in the past, guess i thought he would have been more aggresive about there being no one else.....

laurie6781

HBB, again, he is in a very fragile place right now. I won't repeat what I have said in response to some of your other posts.

I am going to be blunt. BACK OFF. You keep texting and wanting to meet and he may just end up telling you, out of total frustration to GET LOST. Give the person some space. He is incapable, at this point in recovery of REASSURING you of ANYTHING. Hell he can't even reassure himself. Besides, that is not his job.

Exactly. "It's not about him it's about YOU. When are YOU going to something about YOUR INSECURITIES? When are you going to start meetings and WORK, REALLY WORK on YOU? Or, in the alternative, when are YOU going to see a therapist for YOU?

I ask this, because all YOU are doing right now is MAKING YOU CRAZY. You are going round and round in circles and making YOURSELF sick.

All the reassurances from us will not change a thing, until YOU start dealing with and working on YOU. YOU are the only one YOU can fix and control. Not one of us or HIM can heal YOUR INSECURITIES. You are wanting HIM to fix something that only you can fix. YOU have to work on YOUR insecurities and LACK OF SELF WORTH."

That by the way that was said to me, almost word for word, by my Alanon sponsor almost 23 years ago now.

She was right then and she is right now.

Please, for your own sanity get to meetings and get a sponsor, or in the alternative get into some therapy NOW.

Love and lots of hugs,

lovemypup

You know its weird but the more our A's ignore us and have nothing to do with us the more we want to talk to them, but if they bother us daily it makes us want them to just go away.

Maybe it works both ways. If you "let go" and get on with your life and cut off as much contact as you can with him then maybe he will see that you have a life of your own and when he gets out he will respect that and want to try again with you if he is sober.

On the other hand, if you bother him daily, it may make him think that he just wants you to "go away.
Just something to think about.

If he finds someone in rehab then there is really nothing you can do about it. Just be happy that you found out now and you are not married to the bum. Stop obessing over it and go find your new life.

denny57

If this is true, then I'd do what he has asked - give him space. Otherwise, I only do "anything" for others what "I" deem is right.

hbb

Thank you and Laurie I need you to be blunt!! I know you've given me wonderful advise through this and I know everyone is right and I am going to Al Anon tonight and give it a chance. It's just hard to let go of something you thought may have been everything to you because HE assured me of that. He is different, caring and so loving (until a month ago) so different than anyone i've ever dated. Wears his heart on his sleeve and maybe he has to be this way for himself to get better and that's why i have respected his wishes when he said he thought i would have stopped by by now. I told him that i was doing what he had asked of me, that's why im so confused in all of this. He also said he thought he would have heard from me by now....WHY......he made it clear he wanted a break......