aztchr

I've had a great weekend and it's not over yet.
I spent Friday and Saturday with other teachers at a workshop. The training was on how to help new teachers work through many of their challenges. The message was to help guide others in finding their own solutions. There is a questioning process and it really applies in so many areas.
It's a type of coaching that allows me not to feel the need to jump in and rescue. I don't have to have all of the answers and step in and try to fix everything for someone. Where have I heard that before?

Today, I had a relaxing afternoon by the pool and started talking to a guy I usually just say hi to every weekend. We had introduced ourselves a few weeks ago, but actually had a conversation today. He just moved here from the Midwest and we talked a little about the differences. Kept the conversation very simple and light.

It's hard to know what I'm supposed to do or say that won't jeopardize my progress.
When he left, I thought, oh it'd be nice to keep talking to him. How do you show an interest without coming across as co-dependent/needy? I've done that already and I know how that ended.

Any thoughts from the guys point of view, too?

kglast

yikes - i have been wondering the same thing myself....i am interested to read the responses.

CE Girl

Last time I checked AZ, I wasn't a guy,,,, he, he, he,,,,

But I can relate some of my less than considerable experience here,,,,

I've had someone show interest. Especially now that he knows my A and I are not together. We went out a few times, but my codie/needy self was safely tucked away. Going out with him showed i was interested

But I came to a conclusion. I needed to be fair to MYSELF, and in turn him, and realize I need time. Getting into "something" (wouldn't even go so far as relationship) is a distraction from continuing my recovery. See, I beleive the adage, "don't make any major changes for a year" holds true for my codie self also. I've made some changes that were in the works in the midst of all this, and those were hard enough. In fact, I'm still dealing with them

The other guy? Well, he says he understands and wants to be friends. And since the BEST relationships start off that way, I'm ok with that. Haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, but sure I will once things settle down. By the way, i've know him almost 4 years, and seen him have less that a six pack in that time. Of course, one never knows, does one?

I guess what I'm saying is, "up front and honest" always works. Gradual and natural does too

Peace my teacher sista,,and I'm happy, happy, you had such a good YOU weekend

(((((())))))

aztchr

I appreciate the experience and I do want more friends anyway. I'll just be my (recovering) self and go from there.
I'm so much more aware of red flags and what I don't want now. I hope things will be easier the next time around.

Sure is making my summer more interesting.

MsGolightly

well i'm not a guy either, but i would suggest just being friendly and taking things verrrry slowly. i know it seems like common sense and easier for some than others, but not having any expectations and not jumping into the future is what i think keeps things on a slow and steady pace.

denny57

It can be difficult. I'd see how it progresses over the next few weeks, months. After some more talking and/or going out on a few dates, I'd check in on my thought processes then. I think if a man is truly interested, taking it slow won't bother him in the least. The ones it does bother aren't the ones I want for the long term. Short term can be fun. ;-)

SaTiT

I'm a guy..and You don't have to fall in love
just talking to a guy. You can hang out
and be freinds, there such a thing as a
plutonic relationship...

you can always date and say no if you don't
like him or not ready...
imagine that ?..walking away sometimes.

i think for me it's around 6 months becuase
i can even condiser anything after the romace
stage is over and you're actaully more friends.

Nuudawn

As I'm in my first year of recovery (alcohol and codie issues) I'm finding this process incredibly interesting. I have a wee (okay kinda huge) crush on a coworker. We've worked together a few months and therefore have a working relationship. What I find so darn interesting is how all my "issues" rear their heads in simply dealing with someone I find attractive on a daily basis. My patterns keep coming up. When I feel slighted by him in any way...when I perceive he's flirting with someone else or ignoring me or whatever...my same old same old knee jerk kicks in. I'll go off in a distant little snit and not talk to him awhile. It's beyond ********...it's childish really. It's kinda nice going thru these motions without any further intimacy. He and I are getting to know one another..... that's all we need to do. Take the TIME to get to know people...relate with them...keeping ourselves in check all the while.

Talk to the guy...don't put cart before horse.

aztchr

Great advice from all! Thanks!
When I asked about the guy's perspective...I guess I meant what do I need to be careful of doing so the guy doesn't sense I'm being needy.

Should I always wait to be asked for my number, wait for them to ask to go and do something, etc. It's hard to know whom is waiting for whom to make a move sometimes. Just want to follow the rules...

denny57

I read a great quote by Drew Barrymore not too long ago about this:
"Be your freaky self."

aztchr

Yes, it's all about me now. Can't control how others will react to me and I shouldn't worry about always doing the right thing. The right thing could be so many different things. To each their own...
Thanks!

chero

Thanks for posting this, A! So what are the rules??

I was asked out and I'm freaked about it. But only because I feel guilty. But CE is right, you have to be upfront and honest. This guy that asked me out knows the situation and understands I can't do anything serious right now. Nor do I want to.

I like what SaTIT said, "you can always date and say no if you don't
like him or not ready...imagine that ?..walking away sometimes."

That's the issue for me, I think. My codie heart/brain says, "Walk away!? What??" LOL! We are so used to giving so much of ourselves to everyone we meet that we forget we have options.

And if someone doesn't like our options or isn't willing to work within them--WALK AWAY!
Be true to yourself, Aztchr!

Pick-a-name

I've always done (the above) in the past. Thanks for reminding me that maybe I COULD do it again in the future. I'm so badly burned now, the idea even scares me! I feel a little bit better now.