Avoidance...help!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Minnie,
Great advice above me. If he doesn't pay, you have the promissary note, and it can be enforced and should be.
If he has moved on with another, consider yourself lucky, there is no future for you in this relationship, hard truth to swallow, but no less the truth.
I am glad to read that you are so active, this is a positive force in the healing process.
Nice to meet you,
Dolly
Great advice above me. If he doesn't pay, you have the promissary note, and it can be enforced and should be.
If he has moved on with another, consider yourself lucky, there is no future for you in this relationship, hard truth to swallow, but no less the truth.
I am glad to read that you are so active, this is a positive force in the healing process.
Nice to meet you,
Dolly
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Not sure how much he goes but he is members at Leigon's and plays horseshoes and darts out of there and drinks O'douls, but to his defense i don't know much about the ins and outs of that. Anyways, i already feel stronger and better after your stories and advice. It's not my problem.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Care and love yourself, not someone who is going to suck you dry.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by hbb 
Hi Minnie, well where to begin, i'm 33 this week, he's 34...we actually went to high school 14 years ago and i remember the football playing, handsome guy he was then 
. Anyways back to me, i have a GREAT group of friends that support me to death along with you guys..thank God!! I live with my roommate and brother. I LOVE the beach so thats good living in Mass. i can do that now. I'm on a bowling league, i go to the gym 4-5 times a week, not lately though 
i cried in step class, that was enough for that week!! I love walking and listening to music and playing cards and so on.....i do have stuff to do it's just that i'm so used to caring and loving someone else i've lost that desire at the moment. I'm going to Al Anon right now for the first session. I'll be back on at 9!! Minnie, thank the Lord for you and so many others on here
. Anyways back to me, i have a GREAT group of friends that support me to death along with you guys..thank God!! I live with my roommate and brother. I LOVE the beach so thats good living in Mass. i can do that now. I'm on a bowling league, i go to the gym 4-5 times a week, not lately though 
i cried in step class, that was enough for that week!! I love walking and listening to music and playing cards and so on.....i do have stuff to do it's just that i'm so used to caring and loving someone else i've lost that desire at the moment. I'm going to Al Anon right now for the first session. I'll be back on at 9!! Minnie, thank the Lord for you and so many others on here Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
minnie....i'm speechless....and crying. that could have been my story with my xh. turns out not only was he an alcoholic, he was a huge con man....every action and deed towards me had a purpose....to scam and scheme. then throw in the abuse and the weirdness of his personality. it hurt like hell to know that what had felt so genuiine with him was only a farce.
so then hbb......i was left with myself. how had i let this happen to me? what was i about that i could have been targeted like this? what was i telling myself to justify my actions. forget about him (my xh)......he was doing what he did.....what about me???? why was i so vulnerable and why did i accept the unnacceptable?
it all became about me. and unraveling my own mind.
so then hbb......i was left with myself. how had i let this happen to me? what was i about that i could have been targeted like this? what was i telling myself to justify my actions. forget about him (my xh)......he was doing what he did.....what about me???? why was i so vulnerable and why did i accept the unnacceptable?
it all became about me. and unraveling my own mind.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No you are right it isn't your problem.
I'll say one thing, when I started sobering up nine years ago one of the first things I was told was to stay away from slippery people and places if I was serious about sobering up. Bars for sure was one of them. And it also is not recommended in A.A to drink O'Doul's. Carry on with taking care of yourself. The best person we can invest in emotionally,financially,physically and spiritually is ourself. We get the biggest payback from that.
Earthworm
I'll say one thing, when I started sobering up nine years ago one of the first things I was told was to stay away from slippery people and places if I was serious about sobering up. Bars for sure was one of them. And it also is not recommended in A.A to drink O'Doul's. Carry on with taking care of yourself. The best person we can invest in emotionally,financially,physically and spiritually is ourself. We get the biggest payback from that.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by hbb
Not sure how much he goes but he is members at Leigon's and plays horseshoes and darts out of there and drinks O'douls, but to his defense i don't know much about the ins and outs of that. Anyways, i already feel stronger and better after your stories and advice. It's not my problem.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thanks Earthworm....I can sit here and say it's not my problem but i'm still crushed, i go from mad, to sad, to disbelief, to annoyed, to guilt and i know what i need to do but i can't stand my own skin right now. I wish i was far far far away and had a crystal ball to know exactly what is going to happen. Every minute is eternity with me. I want to cancel my plans tonight because i know i'll be miserable as much as i say i won't be. Weekends are the worst for me, wondering around even though i am trying to keep busy, "what's he doing, where is he at, is he having fun, is he relieved about not being with me" all these things are killing me inside....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I had to have a break and re-group after that long post on here. It doesn't really upset me anymore, I am just left with the feeling that I have left out so much that is relevant and wonder if I have fully expressed myself as I would wish. I fully get why some folks might think "well, my situation's totally different" and I wish it were so. Unfortunately, I see time and time again that they are not, especially when events unfold. Before I post, I always check with myself whether I am projecting my own history onto others - I have no idea whether I stop it in all instances. However, the facts often speak for themselves.
Exactly, Jeri. And this is something I didn't really touch on after my huge typing session. It was never really about him. Certainly, my recovery isn't. He did what he has done for years and is still doing now. I had to look deep inside me to figure out why I bought his lines, ignored his actions and was someone who he thought was an appropriate target. Perhaps that deserves another thread.
It has been a long haul to get to where I am and I still struggle immensely with trusting men. However, I love my attitude now. I don't sweat the small stuff and I have great boundaries, even if some of them are still a little wall-like. I don't expect anyone else to pander to my issues and I don't pander to anyone else's.
Sorry for the hijack, hbb. I hope what we are saying here makes some sense.
Originally Posted by embraced2000
so then hbb......i was left with myself. how had i let this happen to me? what was i about that i could have been targeted like this? what was i telling myself to justify my actions. forget about him (my xh)......he was doing what he did.....what about me???? why was i so vulnerable and why did i accept the unnacceptable?
it all became about me. and unraveling my own mind.
it all became about me. and unraveling my own mind.
It has been a long haul to get to where I am and I still struggle immensely with trusting men. However, I love my attitude now. I don't sweat the small stuff and I have great boundaries, even if some of them are still a little wall-like. I don't expect anyone else to pander to my issues and I don't pander to anyone else's.
Sorry for the hijack, hbb. I hope what we are saying here makes some sense.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hbb,
I found what helped me in the beginning when I left my ex was to do things that I liked to do that had NOTHING to do with him. Slowly but surely it worked. I'm not saying I wasn't upset or didn't miss him, I did, but it was imperative for my sobriety and sanity that I move on. Talking about it alot also helped to get it out.
Earthworm
I found what helped me in the beginning when I left my ex was to do things that I liked to do that had NOTHING to do with him. Slowly but surely it worked. I'm not saying I wasn't upset or didn't miss him, I did, but it was imperative for my sobriety and sanity that I move on. Talking about it alot also helped to get it out.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by hbb
Thanks Earthworm....I can sit here and say it's not my problem but i'm still crushed, i go from mad, to sad, to disbelief, to annoyed, to guilt and i know what i need to do but i can't stand my own skin right now. I wish i was far far far away and had a crystal ball to know exactly what is going to happen. Every minute is eternity with me. I want to cancel my plans tonight because i know i'll be miserable as much as i say i won't be. Weekends are the worst for me, wondering around even though i am trying to keep busy, "what's he doing, where is he at, is he having fun, is he relieved about not being with me" all these things are killing me inside....
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I know, i'm trying to do that. I was checking my email on sat. and he had included me in a forwarded joke type email so i was kinda thinking that he wouldn't do that if he wasn't thinking of me.....i don't know what to think, i'd just like to hear from him at this point.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Step one----
from one day at a time-Al-anon----sometimes i find myself so busy wondering what someone else is doing ,and where and why,that my own thoughts create turmoil inside of me.When this happens,i know im a candidate for a new,honest,self-appraisal.If i allow myself to evade this self-confrontation,I'll be a candidate for a rude awakening.I must not forget that my first obligation is to work out changes in my own thinking patterns
----i can change nothing but myself.Do i need changing?If things are going wrong--or seem to be--maybe its because of the way i am reacting to them.If i accept the fact that the principal source of my unhappiness is in me,i will be giving myself a good reason to do something about me.It isn't easy--but the rewards are beyond reckoning.
my happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else.nor does my misery come from anyone--but myself-.
i will not set a pattern based on my own experience and wishes--and expect someone else to live up to it.this interference of a subtle and damaging kind.it damages my peace of mind and dignity,and those i am smothering with my expectations..
i too often fail to live up to the expectations of others.
Hope you will find thios helpful.I know these passages have been really helpful to me.
Try not to expect,a sick person,on da the road to recovery,to act and behave as if they are well,healthy,human beings.For at this moment,they are progressing along.
Prayers are with you and your man.
from one day at a time-Al-anon----sometimes i find myself so busy wondering what someone else is doing ,and where and why,that my own thoughts create turmoil inside of me.When this happens,i know im a candidate for a new,honest,self-appraisal.If i allow myself to evade this self-confrontation,I'll be a candidate for a rude awakening.I must not forget that my first obligation is to work out changes in my own thinking patterns
----i can change nothing but myself.Do i need changing?If things are going wrong--or seem to be--maybe its because of the way i am reacting to them.If i accept the fact that the principal source of my unhappiness is in me,i will be giving myself a good reason to do something about me.It isn't easy--but the rewards are beyond reckoning.
my happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else.nor does my misery come from anyone--but myself-.
i will not set a pattern based on my own experience and wishes--and expect someone else to live up to it.this interference of a subtle and damaging kind.it damages my peace of mind and dignity,and those i am smothering with my expectations..
i too often fail to live up to the expectations of others.
Hope you will find thios helpful.I know these passages have been really helpful to me.
Try not to expect,a sick person,on da the road to recovery,to act and behave as if they are well,healthy,human beings.For at this moment,they are progressing along.
Prayers are with you and your man.
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