TexasGirl

Well, as I have mentioned before, very-stbXAH is in a rehab program. While his checking in threw me for a loop, I know that the relationship is over. Period.

My question, though, is how on earth should I act while he's in treatment? He has called non-stop, leaving me those lengthy, I love you, baby, I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner voicemails. While I truly hope this program works out for him, those words make my skin crawl. I just can't begin to believe that. Blech. Anyway, I feel like I should tell him, via phone or even better a letter, that there is no opportunity for reconciliation and that I would like him to cease contacting me. When I supposedly went "no contact" back when I first moved out, I didn't straight up tell him I was doing that. I know...chicken. I just ignored him and hoped he would go away. Long story longer, he didn't. I think I need to finally be up front with him (and that is sooooo out of character for this make-everyone-happy chickie), but is it reeeeeeally wrong to do that while he's in treatment? I know I should have done it a long time ago so that this wouldn't be an issue, but I didn't. If I wait though, I'd have to tell him after treatment, right? And while I really do get that I'm not responsible if he drinks afterwards (logic), I don't want to be the thing that sets off a relapse (emotion).

Any insight on when to set my boundaries that should have been set loooooong ago?

minnie

I would say better done whilst he was in treatment, with access to counsellors and the like, than later.

You wouldn't set off a relapse, hon. He is the one that would do that. Heck, if he can't get the message given that you have moved away and got a new life, then that is his problem, no? That kind of begging behaviour seems a tad non-recovery to me. A bit "look at me, I'm in rehab, I did what you wanted" kind of thing.

You can set your boundaries whenever you want. This is about your life, not his. If things are going so peachy in rehab, he will have the tools to deal with it. If things aren't going that way in rehab, then he's just going through the motions anyway, so timing doesn't matter.

dobiediva

I agree. I would tell him while he's in rehab. And I would probably write a letter rather than a phone call to him. If it were me I'd tell him how proud I am that he is trying to make a better life for himself but that the damage has been done and I have made my peace that it is over. (ok, actually if it were me RIGHT NOW I would probably take him back cuz I'm a wuss right now But its NOT me. Its YOU )

kglast

TG - I agree - do it while he is in treatment with other resources available to him. For me, a letter was the way to go (see my post from yesterday). That way, I know that is says exactly what I want it to say - I can't get sidetracked or manipulated by him during a conversation. Good luck with your decision.

daisyjen

Tell him now!!! Less chance of him talking you into staying if you wait. I told my AH I was done for the "final" time in January. He said "I will do whatever it takes." I felt if I left he wouldnt get/stay sober. He "couldnt do it without me". Here I am 5 months later, he is still sober, but I still want out....

okay4now

When my b/f was in rehab - that is when I told him a couple of things he wouldn't
like to hear. He had a good support system there.

But...He was a tad doped up from the meds. they were giving him. I would do the
letter so he can read it at different "mental" times. Just my opinion.

Mr. Christian

I vote to tell him now also.
Since he is ther he will have a little more hell to deal with.
Then since you want no contact you can change the number if you like.

Oh-Riley

I'm with Minnie. Tell him the hard truth when he's in a safe place. Hopefully the docs there will help him deal with it. And he'll have other patients who will sympathize with him, because no doubt they've lost loved ones the same way.

Take care of yourself!!!! Good luck.

fluffyflea

Don't call him, write him a letter.

Earthworm

Bjen

Yep, right now is the best time. That way he will be trying to recover for himself, not you.

I am not good a point blank either. I tell my A in a nice way alot. Sometimes when he is crappy I tell him in a bad way. I hope he gets the picture but just when I think he does, he crawls back to his Mr. Nice guy - I want something from you self.

The thing is with me, my A knows it is over. He is just looking for a morsel of hope here and there that it might not be. I try to be very precise when I tell him I like being alone, I am happy he is doing well for himself, I tell him I pray for him to learn to be comfortable with himself. I leave "us" out of the equation.

Last conversation I had with him he claimed it was over and blamed it on me. I agreed and said that was fine, I would take the blame.

Do your best. It really is hard but remind yourself it is the best for him as well (for his recovery) and you will feel better about it. Hope I made a little sense here. B

denny57

I've been thinking about this TG, and I'm not sure - if I were to write a letter, it would just say please don't contact me. If he is calling you non-stop how seriously, really, is he taking recovery, if at all? Do you think a letter will convince him any more than staying no contact? Maybe so; if not, what will you do if he continues to contact you after you ask that he not?

Pick-a-name

I can't remember if you have any access to the people at the rehab. If so,perhaps they can offer you advice or help. I'm guessing you are not the first one who has felt like this when their SO finally got into treatment.

Good luck to you (and him)

Spiritual Seeker

part of recovery is learning to live with the wreckage of their past. Just a thought; MAYBE it would be good for your own recovery to learn to communicate openly and honestly. Ending this relationship in such a manner might be good for both of you. The more you learn to commun. effectively, the healthier your next relationship can be.

Janitw

I vote with those who say to do it while he's in treatment so he has a support network.

Rella927

I vote now as well.
He has a support system in there and it becomes his and Their responsibility not yours! First do what you feel you need to do in order to follow through with this i.e. phone or letter.(emotions yours) Which will make you more comfortable because it is not about him it is about YOU!

Then try not answering the phone when he calls because I’am sure with today technology you do know when it is him. (hard I know but if you are sure you want no contact it is a way to start)

((((TG)))))

TexasGirl

I think you are right....I'm terrible at communicating when to do so would hurt someone else's feelings. So to avoid doing that, I try to just avoid the person or the situation entirely. I haven't been answering his calls, but I haven't said stop calling. Or I'll say something in general, but leave the tiniest out so I'm not the complete bad guy. Even when I talked to that counselor who called me from his program to "plan his treatment accordingly," I could not bring myself to say it's over...I told here there was a 96% chance that it was over. I had to throw in that 4% so that I wasn't the total meanie. I guess that's why leaving was such a drawn out and uncomfortable process for me. Finally the burden of avoiding it was too much, and that was it. Finally the burden of avoiding the divorce papers was causing too much hurt, so I did them. And finally the burden of him "not going away" is eating at me. I need to change this pattern...address things on the front end instead of hiding from them. I have to start being more honest with people...myself inculded. Ugh...

elizabeth1979

Dont beat youself up for not spelling it out for him.
You did file for divorce and are moving forward with that agenda, so I dont think you mislead him. I think its in my nature to feel that if another party doesnt agree with or 100% understand my position on a matter, Ive failed to communicate properly. Not true. I remind myself, my actions speak just as anyones elses do. Filing for divorce is an action, no?

I personally (ideally of course) would not even respond to the pleading, but if I felt so compelled, I would do so only in the form of, please do not contact me any longer, Ive made the decision to move forward with my life and am being proactive about said decisions. ..and I would do it when he was in treatment, with access to therspists etc..this reminds me..when D was in treatment he wasnt allowed to call anyone a million times a day, they had a structured schedule..seems like his focus is a little out of balance.

You are doing great

TexasGirl

You are very, very right. This raises an interesting point that I was just chatting about at lunch. We all talk about watching for actions, not words. In the case of our As, we learn to watch their actions and not their words. I think I'm on the flip side....my actions indicate that I am done with him. I am almost divorced, I am casually dating (and he knows that because his mom went and hired a PI on me!!!), and I have a new life. My words are the ones not lining up. How serious can he take me when I do answer the phone 5% of the time? How serious can I look when I dragged my feet for sooooooo long on the divorce? Am I taking too much responsibility because my actions are clear? But I also haven't set clear boundaries, and I think it's because I selfishly fear shutting that door completely, so I let there be a little crack......just in case I were to ever change my mind. That's really unfair to him.

Sorry.....I feel like now I'm going in circles with this.....

CE Girl

HOLY MOLY TG (batgirl ) You got a lot of DRAMA goin on there,,,

For me, that was/is the hardest thing to let go,,,,

So, I use the "excuse" that I don't want to be the bad guy.

In my case, my A, berates me. Its a major DRAMA button pusher. I don't want to be the BAD GUY. So, I break my "no contact" rule and email him how wrong he is? Do I get any satisfaction? NOT What I get is a barrage of mail back, reinforcing his BAD GUY image of me. And the continuim continues.

Is it over or not?

Thats what I ask myelf

Peace

PS, oh an yes some TOTAL getting honest with myself. If I don't have that drama fix, I find myself LOOKING for it. Almost like the A trying to get past a craving,,,

elizabeth1979

Excellent for looking at youself, as usual TG.
So, which speaks louder..actions or words?

For me actions do.
I am the queen of doing one thing and feeling a little badly about it, so I gloss it up with some words. Usually, when I do this, my words are not necessary, bc I have been more than clear with my actions, but I do this as an attempt to make my actions easier to stomach for others.

Good topic for me today, I did this very thing this morning.
A good reminder for me to say what I mean, mean what I say, or say nothing at all