i'm sick but still sober. stuck

Old 05-11-2007, 04:04 PM
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ghostgirl's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2007
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i'm sick but still sober. stuck

hey guys... i'll make this a short as possible... i've posted a few times about my breakup with my bf (he broke it off with me... said he should not have been dating me in the first place with only a couple of months of sobriety, and i was so fearful and insecure, just needed to let it go). reading some of the other posts i've come to realize that i have used him (and other men) like a d.o.c. i'm elated when i hear from him, yet bothered and obsessive, too. i see him almost every day at work, which is really hard. (we still chit chat). at first he did call me, but then he stopped when i said it was too hard this "friendship" thing. i do not want to lose his friendship, but hearing from him is like taking a drink for me... i just realized that today. a college friend of his (a very pretty and younger girl) started to contact him again, and i guess they hang out now sometimes and it bothers the p!ss out of me... i pray ;and pray, and a part of me says oh God i wish he'd call... pay me some attention!! but i know it is like alcohol. God has taken my concerns as God's own burden, and damned if i don't keep trying to take them back again.

and this is testament to my sickness... today i thought "well i can drive by where he hangs out and see if he is there with HER"... and it occured to me after a "help me PLEASE" prayer that that is my sickness talking, and i did not do it. i went on about my business. if i would have, i may drink. i would have thought bad things about myself.... and, believe me, i would have done it if i was still drinking!!

god why is it so hard to let go???

i took the last two days off of work because i didn't want to see him, because i REALLY wanted to see him, if that makes any sense???????? i expected that he would be off of work today, but he wasn't, and when i saw him, again with ALL THOSE DAMNED THOUGHTS....

first time ever dealing with a break up while sober...

thank you for reading this and thank you all so much for the words of encouragement, not just that you've given me specifically, but to everyone. this place is a life saver.
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:14 PM
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Hiya, hon.

I don't really know what to say, but I'll share something that I read this evening. It was from a book called "Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. I would urge everyone to read it if they have a chance - it is only short book, but unbelievably powerful.

Anyway, he was a psycotherapist who spent time in concentration camps during WWII. And from his experience, before and after, he developed a branch of psychotherapy called logotherapy. One of the techniques was to use humour to resolve some psychological difficulties, for example obsession. How about you try and stand outside yourself and see if you can make your thoughts and behaviour into something comical? Exaggerate the thoughts and behaviours until they become charactures. Imagine seeing standing behind yourself and seeing what you like when you do and think this stuff.

It can't harm, can it?
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:27 PM
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Letting go of an addiction is not meant to be easy, but it can be done, as those of us who work a recovery program in al anon or nar anon know. For me, I cant do it alone, I need the help and hope of my fellows.

Have you thought about attending these 12 step groups? YOur life will change for the better, promise!
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:33 PM
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I really know how it feels to obsess over another person and I agree it sucks....

One of two things use to happen before I learned/learning to control that.... I would either isolate myself and go through the whole morning process.... play it all out... or I would become so busy I had no time think at all.

Its hard when you see them all the time, I have not dated someone I work with mostly because of that reason.... Why dont you try thinking of him as alcohol ... and what issues you have that are causing it... are you insecure? untrusting?... whatever the reasons you react like this.... just get the focus off him hon.
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:59 PM
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I love the Frankl book too, Minnie! My copy is worn to the bone. I like the idea of remembering I have the freedom to choose my attitude. You might want to try that too, ghostgirl. It's right up there with contrary thinking. When I find my mind tending toward obsession, I consciously steer it elsewhere. It takes some practice, but gets easier with time.

I also had to do the work (through therapy) to figure out why I wanted his attention so badly, when I knew it was not good for me.

Keep posting and take care.
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Old 05-11-2007, 06:19 PM
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Hey Hon,
I can relate. I sobered up the same weekend my exAbf and I split up (for the second painful time). I kept going to AA meetings obsessing about his continued drinking and drugging the whole while. I found this board early on in my sobriety. I have an addictive personality type...and relationships ..yes, are one of them. I had 5 months sober yesterday (man, what a ride its been so far). But a couple of weeks ago...I started thinking about my exAbf ...worrying about him again. I have moved 3000 miles away from him since we split. In all honesty, I was on my last leg of being concerned about him...something in my brain knew he was fading to dust...and another part of my brain (the addictive part)...went "nooooooooooo".....

I'm the drama in my life has pretty much gone...and the ole me was restless I guess. I emailed him. Argh. I reinitiated contact. Argh. We've exchanged emails. And I have made myself miserable and crazy again in the process.

It was stupid on my part. Really, really stupid...and just part and parcel of my addictive tendencies. The addiction part of me recognized I was almost through with him..... so it pushed me for one last kick to the head. Geezus!

A part of me likes to kick myself...a part of me craves toxicity and drama and misery and the pain, pleasure cycle...ah well, at least I didn't drink.

This too shall pass.....
Have you read "It's called a Break Up Because it's Broken?". There are some really great self deprecating belly laughs there. It's a worthy read.

Keep on keeping on. And huge congrats on your sobriety. I'm right there with ya sista.
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Old 05-12-2007, 02:40 AM
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Don't know if this will help ghostgirl but a recovering alcoholic once gave me a greta analogy(I think thats the right word) when I had a horrible break up with a guy I was living with (looking back aalcohol was a prob in my life then I just didnt know)

Anyway when we broke up it was real bad, I wanted to phone him all the time, drive by the house, drive by his work, send him letters etc etc I spoketo my recovering friend about all this in great detail he was a rock and he put this to me

Imagine you are allergic to oranges, you know they are really bad for you, if you even so much as smell them or taste them it will hurt you real bad....but you think you love them, you think there is no substitute for oranges and you think if you can just get a wee bit of one, a taste a smell, just a little it will be ok (like driving past the house, or writing the letter or hearing his voice) So you buy the orange and lick the skin - its not like you are actually having the orange (back to the you phone him, drive by his local pub/house etc) and it tastes so good for a second then it makes you really sick (like it makes you sad to hear his voice)

Thius guys advice to me of many years ago was "don't lick the orange!" and it has stuck with me loud and clear to this day and we are sadly no longer in contact with each other but he was SO right.

I suppose he may have been taught this to deal with his alcoholism ie the taste of 1 drink will be just as hurtful as a binge??? I don't know, but for me it was great advice

Hope this post helps even just one person, and hope it was useful for you ghost

Take care

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Old 05-12-2007, 08:43 AM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
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I also have obsessive/jealous tendencies w/ I would recommend moving jobs so you don't see him (really elped for me - I worked in the ame place, too) and yoga/pilates/dance/exercise (very powerful to help me focus on me) and meditation (good, but not as immediately helpful).

I know this is really hard.
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