Don't know if this will help ghostgirl but a recovering alcoholic once gave me a greta analogy(I think thats the right word) when I had a horrible break up with a guy I was living with (looking back aalcohol was a prob in my life then I just didnt know)
Anyway when we broke up it was real bad, I wanted to phone him all the time, drive by the house, drive by his work, send him letters etc etc I spoketo my recovering friend about all this in great detail he was a rock and he put this to me
Imagine you are allergic to oranges, you know they are really bad for you, if you even so much as smell them or taste them it will hurt you real bad....but you think you love them, you think there is no substitute for oranges and you think if you can just get a wee bit of one, a taste a smell, just a little it will be ok (like driving past the house, or writing the letter or hearing his voice) So you buy the orange and lick the skin - its not like you are actually having the orange (back to the you phone him, drive by his local pub/house etc) and it tastes so good for a second then it makes you really sick (like it makes you sad to hear his voice)
Thius guys advice to me of many years ago was "don't lick the orange!" and it has stuck with me loud and clear to this day and we are sadly no longer in contact with each other but he was SO right.
I suppose he may have been taught this to deal with his alcoholism ie the taste of 1 drink will be just as hurtful as a binge??? I don't know, but for me it was great advice
Hope this post helps even just one person, and hope it was useful for you ghost
Take care
hugs