Married and feeling trapped

Old 05-06-2007, 04:57 PM
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Married and feeling trapped

I don't know where to begin. My husband is taking my Vicodin. I have tried locking them away, he sees me in pain and will still take them all. I am partially disabled, my husband started taking them for his toothaches, and at some point never stopped. I am living with a mad man. He lies, steals, he's threatened suicide...

He's going to work somehow though pretty much everyday, but now he's threatening to not go if I don't give him enough to "ween off"--

Should I give him the couple a day he says will keep him functioning?? If so, how long? I don't know what to do... how do I truat again and again and again...

he lies to me about other things as well... stupid things,

I can't afford our mortgage and everything as I'm not able to work f/t- I feel so trapped.
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Old 05-06-2007, 06:21 PM
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Hi there (((Voided))). Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your troubles. You have found a great place to find support and wisdom. This is a great website - I know it's been a livesaver for me.

We are happy to have you here, but just so you know, there's also a "friends and family of substance abusers" board where you might also find useful info about your situation.

Addicts lie, manipulate, and sometimes even steal to get their drug of choice. But in your situation, it's even worse because he's taking something from you that you really need for yourself.

I don't know enough about your situation to give you advice on what you should do, but it sounds like a very serious scenario...either you are going to suffer terribly without your pills, or you are going to have to find a way to cut him off. Do you have friends or family who you can go to for support? This is a very heavy thing to be going through all alone. Hugs to you.
I am sure that others will be by shortly and will give more advice (the weekends can be slow). Please keep posting and reading (the stickies at the top of the main page are full of good info). I hope to hear more about you.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:05 PM
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I'm sorry to say that if your husband is truly addicted to the Vicodin (and it sounds like he is), the "couple of days" to ween off the drug is just another excuse and will likely not be the end of this nightmare. At this point, I would suggest reading as much as you can on this forum and asking as many questions as possible. Also, have you tried going to an Al-Anon meeting? I think that might be very beneficial for you - It certainly has helped me tremendously with my alcoholic husband.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:18 PM
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You CANT go alone. Take in some support, there is a problem here. It will work out, you can't worry about the mortgage have an addict involved.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:21 PM
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Welcome. I am glad you found us. Perhaps a confidential discussion with your physician would help. You are being legitimately prescribed medication, which your husband is abusing. Could your doc prescribe something for you that is less addictive? If you no longer have access to this drug, then hubby will have to go elsewhere in his quest to maintain his addiction and you'll get some peace from being badgered. If you must stay on this med, can you hide it when he's sleeping?

You say you are living with a "mad man." He has threatened suicide. Has he, in any way whatsoever, threatened you with any type of physical harm if you don't give him the med? Do you have any friends or family you can stay with, even if it's temporary? How about refusing to give him the med? Call his bluff if you feel confident he won't hit you, although if he gets "mad" enough he might resort to violence. This is when you get out, regardless. Period. End of discussion.

He's upping the ante. You are believing his threats. You are reacting to him. He's getting everything his way: the drug and keeping you in the victim position. So, with that said, do you honestly believe he would just walk away from his job, walk away from you, walk away from his house, walk away from whatever, if you refused to give him the drug? There comes a time when we have to calm ourselves down to the best of our ability and decide if they're just blowing smoke or if their threats are serious.

God didn't put you on this Earth to be a victim or live with a drug-crazed maniac. You deserve a whole lot better than being terrorized by an addict. Are you able to drive a car with your disability? If so, have an escape plan. Have important phone numbers you can call if needed. Have some money stashed where he can't find it and you can get your hands on it quickly. If you can't drive, have a friend or family member who can come get you, if need be. There is always 9-1-1. You have the option of calling the police if your husband threatens suicide and appears to be serious about harming himself or you. Take care of yourself FIRST.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:36 PM
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I agree with discussing this with the doctor who is prescribing these pills to you. He/she would know what is going on with you this way and probably be able to assist in treating your husband for a medical detox,if it is warrented. he could at least give you options. Should it become necessary, the threat of legal action could even be held over your AH's head (I would guess,possibly by the doctor...those medications are tracked carefully and the doctors can get into trouble with the DEA.)

Best of luck to you. Get help for yourself. Sorry you are going through this. Should things seem to be heading toward getting out of hand, call 911 and tell them what you have told us when they get there. JMHO
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:38 PM
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I hate to say this but my best advice is to tell a big fat lie to him. Here's why....
It's a prescribed medication and his name isn't on it. If you are handing them to him, I think that could be considered drug trafficing, especially if he gets into an acident and they do a drug screen. Vicodin? Where did he get Vicodin?
Aside from the pain you are in, it will get worse and instead of better.
He will want more not less.
Since your options are limited at the moment. I'd tell him the doctor took you off that medication, leave some motrin or extra strength tylenol out. Hide the vicodin and take it yourself.
You can talk to the doctor but this really isn't a doctor issue. The doc has prescribed a medication that works for you. This is a marital issue, a legal issue.
Vicodin is a controlled substance.
Some way this has to stop and given the situation, I'd just let him think you don't have any.
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Old 05-06-2007, 08:26 PM
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mallow is right---you are giving it to him---I am disabled and on Morphine--I would never give anyone one pill ever---they would take the medicine away from ME--doesn't him taking it leave you short on pills and in added discomfort?If he gets in trouble for anything and says you gave him the drugs--it will not be good.
I am trying to bite my tongue here cause I have flashes that he is being cruel and abusing you while you are ill--that is the worst kind of person.
I will let the others give you advise here--be safe--no more pills for him......
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Old 05-07-2007, 09:44 AM
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Physically he isn't abusive. He's gotten "out of control" a few times and hurt me in a tantrum, but he's more self destructive than anything. All of this started I think when his step daughters mother took her for the summer last year and never brought her back. We don't have any way of getting her back and she's four states away from us. I'm not making any excuses for him, it's inexcusable, his behavior; the position he's put us into. I've been depressed and I'm not a healthy person, he's held it together for us for a long time. I owe him support, no question, he's my husband. I decided last night though, this is the last lie I need to endure. I've plotted his course and cleaned up the messes for a long time in our relationship. I appreciate him going to work and being responsible about keeping a f/t job, but that's just part of life. I'm not leaving my home, I will figure out something. I have pets that are like my children. I rescue abused animals and they are here because this is there last chance, they don't have anywhere but me.

My husband said last night after I gave him the day to think about his priorities, that they were family, the house and his job. I asked him to close his eyes and imagine a photograph of his family. When he finally did, I asked him who was in it (he doesn't have a big family, and he doesn't like many of mine) and he didn't name himself. I asked if he was in the picture, because right now, he isn't. He wasn't, he's calling a psychologist today and he's cutting down to 1.5 pills a day just to get through work. Because I do think that keeping the things that are important to him from falling apart is part of my responsibility as a wife until he lies again. And he Very well may, but he knows what's at stake. I couldn't even cry yesterday. He was sobing half the day and I couldn't cry, I've grown numb to his sorrow. There's so much healing to have here. I'm going to make some calls for me also, to talk to someone about crying again.
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Old 05-07-2007, 09:46 AM
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let it grow!
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nice to meet you, voided. i have a daughter who is an alcoholic/addict. i go to alanon meetings and do private counseling - both really help me. blessings, and keep posting - k
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Old 05-07-2007, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Voided View Post
Physically he isn't abusive. He's gotten "out of control" a few times and hurt me in a tantrum,
Welcome voided!

When my therapist asked me "did he ever hit you," I replied no, he just shoved me to the ground once, because I said something he didn't like (this was very early in the 18 year relationship). I wrote it off by saying he "just meant to shove me" as if that made a difference!

I can look back now and see how I minimized much of the destructive behavior. I did it for my own self preservation, though that seems twisted now. At the time I was terrified I'd lose my marriage. Then I worked very hard on being the person he needed me to be and he never shoved me to the ground again, though a few tables got flipped and a hole ended up in the wall. Truth is, in the back of mind I knew he COULD shove me to the ground again and I'm beginning to see that my decline really started on that pavement.

By the time I sought help for myself I, too, had become numb. I also thought it was my responsibility as a wife to keep it together for him. Problem was, he wasn't keeping it together for himself, and he certainly wasn't keeping it together for me. I had to decide what was I worth?

Good luck with your own therapy - it's been a god send for me.
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Old 05-07-2007, 12:43 PM
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Set goals

Voided, I think you need to change you handle because you are not void in any way shape of form. You are a human being that deserves better then the treatment you are receiving. My wife has be on all kinds of medication over the years and it never occured to me to take them because I knew she needed them. Not only is he abusing a controled substance but he is also denying the relief that you need to have some quality of life. He needs to stop taking your medication right now and you both need to set some goals regarding his behaviour. You can check the phone book for any organizations that assist the disabled also you might want to look at animal shelters or other rescue organizations that can help you with your animals until things are stable again and you can get them back or at least until they are safe as your spouse appears to be a loose cannon and could be capable of anything. If he is truely coming around he may want to talk to his job and let them know what is going on. It is pretty hard these days to fire some one who has any kind of an addiction with out offering them some help. Take care and I hope I helped point you in some possible directions.
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Old 05-08-2007, 02:28 PM
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Thank you all for your time and encouragement.

My husband went to see a psychologist last night, (one he was seeing years ago, before he and I even knew each other) and he even stopped home before and was in a very good mood. I went through the whole house, called all his doctors, and even went through his car... he doesn't have any more vicodin. He has agreed that being as he's cut down so much already, and that the majority of the physical withdrawal is over, he is going to completely stop taking the 2 pills a day this weekend. He's going to work on his recovery, and I explained to him, that I needed to figure out where my head was at also. I told him I was going to be here for him, but he needed to give me space to clear my mind and heart. You see, I have a sister who's been on methadone for 6 years as well, and she's off of it as of last month. It's been a VERY tough time for her and I've been trying to be there for her when this happened. I'm not a stranger to being lied to and stolen from you see, even my ex-best friend is a herion addict. I just never thought I'd put myself back into a situation where I was feeling unsafe at home again. My guards are back up and I'm having some serious trust issues that I need to work out. I just hope I have enough love left in my heart for my husband. Some days I feel like letting the world crumble in on me... but I got through another day. He also told me he would no longer smoke weed. I was thinking about it, and I don't think this man has been my husband for a couple years... My thoughts are everywhere right now, but it feels good to let it out. Thank you all so much. I wish you the best in your situations, I know I'm not alone.
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