Hey Everybody!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hey Everybody!
Man, it's been a long time since I've been on here. I still see some familiar names....it's good to "see" you again.
I'm not here because of the A bf. The minute he got out of rehab with another gf, I walked away for good and haven't talked to him since. That was last Aug.
I'm here because of my son. He's 29 and has a drinking problem. Because I was a drinker when he was growing up and his Dad was a pot smoker, he was around it, that's for sure.
I quit drinking in 1994 and by the Grace of God, have never wanted to go back.
My son, L, was raised by his coach Dad that "real men never cry" and so, L has always kept in his feelings of pain. Being bullied as a kid for being overweight back then and then our divorce (it was an abusive marriage, both physically and mentally). He has thee hugest heart I've ever known. SUCH a great person.
His uncle, whom he grew up with (his Dad's younger brother), died of an accidental overdose of cocaine on Christmas morning 2005. L was with him the night before he died with his cousin, Jim. They all 3 had beers and then they all went home to their different places. My ex found his brother in his home on Christmas. That's been SOO hard for everyone. Especially L and Jim and my ex.
Then, the 85 yr old mother (my ex's mom and mom of the one uncle that died) was so devastated over the death of her youngest, that she gave up and had a stroke and she died last June. So, my ex is drinking to numb his pain, Jim is drinking/doing drugs to numb his pain and so is my son.
I've asked them to help me help L. I know all too well that I can't make L get help. But, I cannot, for the life of me, sit on my butt and watch him self destruct. They all yell at me saying "It's not MY fault L has a drinking problem". (they've always have been a yelling family) and turn the tables on me.
I tell them "I don't care what you call me or think of me, I just want someone in this family to look at the seriousness of this and come together to support L."
So, I need your help, Al Anon family. This one is my son. My baby boy. I can't lose him. Please advise me on this.
THANK YOU!!! And I hope so much that you're all doing so much better.
((hugs))
I'm not here because of the A bf. The minute he got out of rehab with another gf, I walked away for good and haven't talked to him since. That was last Aug.
I'm here because of my son. He's 29 and has a drinking problem. Because I was a drinker when he was growing up and his Dad was a pot smoker, he was around it, that's for sure.
I quit drinking in 1994 and by the Grace of God, have never wanted to go back.
My son, L, was raised by his coach Dad that "real men never cry" and so, L has always kept in his feelings of pain. Being bullied as a kid for being overweight back then and then our divorce (it was an abusive marriage, both physically and mentally). He has thee hugest heart I've ever known. SUCH a great person.
His uncle, whom he grew up with (his Dad's younger brother), died of an accidental overdose of cocaine on Christmas morning 2005. L was with him the night before he died with his cousin, Jim. They all 3 had beers and then they all went home to their different places. My ex found his brother in his home on Christmas. That's been SOO hard for everyone. Especially L and Jim and my ex.
Then, the 85 yr old mother (my ex's mom and mom of the one uncle that died) was so devastated over the death of her youngest, that she gave up and had a stroke and she died last June. So, my ex is drinking to numb his pain, Jim is drinking/doing drugs to numb his pain and so is my son.
I've asked them to help me help L. I know all too well that I can't make L get help. But, I cannot, for the life of me, sit on my butt and watch him self destruct. They all yell at me saying "It's not MY fault L has a drinking problem". (they've always have been a yelling family) and turn the tables on me.
I tell them "I don't care what you call me or think of me, I just want someone in this family to look at the seriousness of this and come together to support L."
So, I need your help, Al Anon family. This one is my son. My baby boy. I can't lose him. Please advise me on this.
THANK YOU!!! And I hope so much that you're all doing so much better.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome back, Girlfriend - still love that avatar
I can't remember - are you in any recovery program?
I'm sorry you're going through this; I attend a parents Al-Anon meeting and I see the particular agony that's faced when it's one's child.
((()))s to you.
I can't remember - are you in any recovery program?
I'm sorry you're going through this; I attend a parents Al-Anon meeting and I see the particular agony that's faced when it's one's child.
((()))s to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Denny!!
I was....in Al anon and stopped going after I walked away from the xabf for good.
Look's like it's time to go back, huh?
I'm super frustrated at the family and how they wanna just sweep it under the rug because of their own stuff. I'm sorry they lost a brother and a mom, but, God forbid,they could lose another one, too.
I guess I'm needing some feedback. What's the best way, that you've found, to deal with a whole family that ignores it and calls you "looney" because you bring up the subject? (that's my situation now)
I was....in Al anon and stopped going after I walked away from the xabf for good.
Look's like it's time to go back, huh?
I'm super frustrated at the family and how they wanna just sweep it under the rug because of their own stuff. I'm sorry they lost a brother and a mom, but, God forbid,they could lose another one, too.
I guess I'm needing some feedback. What's the best way, that you've found, to deal with a whole family that ignores it and calls you "looney" because you bring up the subject? (that's my situation now)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
so nice to meet you and welcome back!!!!
I will share that I have an AS who is 27 and in recovery right now after 14 years of a nightmare.
We-at one point-had about 5 people in our immediate family die in a 2 year period. It was awful.Top that off with the fact that they were really the only family we liked and spent time with.A huge void was left--our holidays went from a full house to 3 people.Very depressing.
One of those we lost was my cousin--more like my brother-we shared everything together our whole lives-went to the same schools--double dated-everything brother and sister do. My AS was close to him and my cousin always made a point of being good to him as my son has no Father in his life.
He was 40. He committed suicide. I couldn't get out of bed for almost a month I was sooo distraught. It has taken me 7 years to even be able to halfway deal with it.
ok I am getting off the subject(sorry)
While I was feeling sorry for the losses--I failed to see how hard my AS was taking these passings until he said to me''how do you think I feel I had to carry alll their coffins'''
It was around then that he did start drinking VERY heavily-and I would hear him sobbing in the shower.It really put him right off the deep end.
Looking back I would say I am sorry I didn't get him counselling for his grief right away....I should have.
Praying for you and your son!(((HUGS))))
I will share that I have an AS who is 27 and in recovery right now after 14 years of a nightmare.
We-at one point-had about 5 people in our immediate family die in a 2 year period. It was awful.Top that off with the fact that they were really the only family we liked and spent time with.A huge void was left--our holidays went from a full house to 3 people.Very depressing.
One of those we lost was my cousin--more like my brother-we shared everything together our whole lives-went to the same schools--double dated-everything brother and sister do. My AS was close to him and my cousin always made a point of being good to him as my son has no Father in his life.
He was 40. He committed suicide. I couldn't get out of bed for almost a month I was sooo distraught. It has taken me 7 years to even be able to halfway deal with it.
ok I am getting off the subject(sorry)
While I was feeling sorry for the losses--I failed to see how hard my AS was taking these passings until he said to me''how do you think I feel I had to carry alll their coffins'''
It was around then that he did start drinking VERY heavily-and I would hear him sobbing in the shower.It really put him right off the deep end.
Looking back I would say I am sorry I didn't get him counselling for his grief right away....I should have.
Praying for you and your son!(((HUGS))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Sunflower,
Thank you for sharing that. 5 people in 2 years!!! That must of been ssooo hard.
I'm glad to hear your son is in recovery. God bless his heart.
I re-read the setting of the limits and boundaries and my son came over and we talked. He told me that he has "too much pride" and doesn't want to "disappoint" people. So, he keeps his pain in. I used to live that life and......it's pure hell. A huge burden to carry around.
He told me that he spends his money every week buying food for his friends to come over and bbq and drink and no one pitches in. That's where his $ goes. He lives in one of my real estate investments, a condo and is supposed to pay me rent every month on a certain date at a certain amount. We did this together, shopped for the condo as a Mom/son thing.
He hasn't paid rent once on time or in full. So, when he told me that about his spending $ on friends each week, I said to him "and you forget about paying me rent on time and in full. The partying with "friends" that never help you pay for food and take advantage of you is more important than paying rent." Because he knows that I'll get mad, get on him every month for being late and not in full, but will let it go.
Not any more. I hired a property manager today and he'll be paying rent to them, OR he'll be out. We'll renew a contract next month with definite terms on it.
I also told him that I need to hear from him when I call him. He doesn't ever return my calls when he's late with rent. Then is when I contact his Dad to find out where he is. I don't WANT to go to his Dad, but his Dad lives right down the street from him and they talk/party together. He doesn't like me contacting his Dad.
So, I made a deal with him. I told him that I need to hear from him when I call, to return my phone calls (he says he doesn't call me back because he doesn't want to disappoint me and then he "runs" from it) and that if he could do that, I won't contact his Dad looking for him.
We agreed on that. I also told him that if he ever felt like going to therapy to work on his greif, I'd be more than happy to pay for it.
It's a beginning. Atleast I know now where he's coming from better than I did before.
I feel better about that. One day at a time for us both.
Whew! What a long, hard day.
Thank you for sharing that. 5 people in 2 years!!! That must of been ssooo hard.
I'm glad to hear your son is in recovery. God bless his heart.
I re-read the setting of the limits and boundaries and my son came over and we talked. He told me that he has "too much pride" and doesn't want to "disappoint" people. So, he keeps his pain in. I used to live that life and......it's pure hell. A huge burden to carry around.
He told me that he spends his money every week buying food for his friends to come over and bbq and drink and no one pitches in. That's where his $ goes. He lives in one of my real estate investments, a condo and is supposed to pay me rent every month on a certain date at a certain amount. We did this together, shopped for the condo as a Mom/son thing.
He hasn't paid rent once on time or in full. So, when he told me that about his spending $ on friends each week, I said to him "and you forget about paying me rent on time and in full. The partying with "friends" that never help you pay for food and take advantage of you is more important than paying rent." Because he knows that I'll get mad, get on him every month for being late and not in full, but will let it go.
Not any more. I hired a property manager today and he'll be paying rent to them, OR he'll be out. We'll renew a contract next month with definite terms on it.
I also told him that I need to hear from him when I call him. He doesn't ever return my calls when he's late with rent. Then is when I contact his Dad to find out where he is. I don't WANT to go to his Dad, but his Dad lives right down the street from him and they talk/party together. He doesn't like me contacting his Dad.
So, I made a deal with him. I told him that I need to hear from him when I call, to return my phone calls (he says he doesn't call me back because he doesn't want to disappoint me and then he "runs" from it) and that if he could do that, I won't contact his Dad looking for him.
We agreed on that. I also told him that if he ever felt like going to therapy to work on his greif, I'd be more than happy to pay for it.
It's a beginning. Atleast I know now where he's coming from better than I did before.
I feel better about that. One day at a time for us both.
Whew! What a long, hard day.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Heya Girlfriend!
Good to see you back
Although my relationship with my ex was very similar to one with a child (
) I dont really have any terrific advice.
I can tell you that I do have some family that generally is in denial about the disease. To me, when I'm in denial, its a coping mechanism bc dealing with the truth would be be too painful in my mind..or Im not willing to do what I think would be the appropriate thing in response..so I deny or minimize the issue.
I know Im not making a mountain out of a molehill and I know there were major issues to address. I address them with my therapist and in my own recovery...bc they may or may not choose to admit the issue.
Good to see you again!
Good to see you back
Although my relationship with my ex was very similar to one with a child (
) I dont really have any terrific advice.I can tell you that I do have some family that generally is in denial about the disease. To me, when I'm in denial, its a coping mechanism bc dealing with the truth would be be too painful in my mind..or Im not willing to do what I think would be the appropriate thing in response..so I deny or minimize the issue.
I know Im not making a mountain out of a molehill and I know there were major issues to address. I address them with my therapist and in my own recovery...bc they may or may not choose to admit the issue.
Good to see you again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Elizabeth!!!! It's so good to "see" you again. You sound great. I'm so glad.
Yeah, I sent out an e-mail to my ex and my daughter about Al anon and a few quotes from others that have gone through the same thing and suggested that we all address our issues, get healthy (my ex is drinking alot, too, b/c of his own greif and so he fires back at me alot b/c, for him, that's easier) and educate ourselves with Al anon's program and together, help my son.
My daughter texted me back and said "I just read your e-mail on Al Anon, Mom and I cried. You're speaking very truthful things about this problem. Thank you!"
THANK GOD!
My ex just wrote and said that he agrees that we need to "confront" L about his drinking and that he does that all the time with him (right,.... he's drinking, too) , but he does not know how to communicate with "you" (me....putting it back onto me).
I just suggested that we all work on our issues, don't point fingers, come together, educate ourselves and not "confront" L without the help of a professional because there are too many arguers in the family that just want to hear themselves talk. A counselor could keep the focus on L and lead us in a better direction.
It's so good to "see" you again. You sound great. I'm so glad.Yeah, I sent out an e-mail to my ex and my daughter about Al anon and a few quotes from others that have gone through the same thing and suggested that we all address our issues, get healthy (my ex is drinking alot, too, b/c of his own greif and so he fires back at me alot b/c, for him, that's easier) and educate ourselves with Al anon's program and together, help my son.
My daughter texted me back and said "I just read your e-mail on Al Anon, Mom and I cried. You're speaking very truthful things about this problem. Thank you!"
THANK GOD!
My ex just wrote and said that he agrees that we need to "confront" L about his drinking and that he does that all the time with him (right,.... he's drinking, too) , but he does not know how to communicate with "you" (me....putting it back onto me).
I just suggested that we all work on our issues, don't point fingers, come together, educate ourselves and not "confront" L without the help of a professional because there are too many arguers in the family that just want to hear themselves talk. A counselor could keep the focus on L and lead us in a better direction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It sounds like you are making some great steps. I love how you are just keeping your eye on the point and blowing off the comments. Your daughter sounds like a great girl. She gets it. We should all be praying for each others kids. It would give me great comfort to know that people were remembering my kids in their prayers. Know that your kids are in mine.
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