denny57

Exactly, janitw.

harleygirl92156

My husband cheated on me while drinking, it came out when the rehab bill arrived two weeks after he got out of treatment and had a long list of STD's on it. At six weeks sober he was confronted with this, admitted to a one night stand two years earlier, but that ended up being a one year long affair with a drunken co-worker and and emotional affair with another drunken co-worker. That said and done, I agreed to stay one year before making any decisions on our marriage. This was the advice of aftercare and concerned persons program I was in through the rehab center. They said he would grow and change and if I stuck around long enough and he stayed sober I would see a different person.
I moved on, in a fog. He saw how hurt, devestated and the pain I endured because of this. So what did he do, he got 13th stepped by the local AA *****. Only difference was I was more aware of things and I busted it up before it went very far. Caught them going to a meeting alone together, don't know if that is where they were really going but their night was ended together when I confronted them at the local convenience store getting gas. Being new to the program, IT WAS A SCENE TO BEHOLD for all the other patrons of the store. Quite a sight I am sure, me screaming at the both of them in front of God and everybody.
Well, it was the best thing that could have happened. I went home, packed and moved out. He took her home, went to the meeting, told what happened, was GUIDED by some old timers and came home. I am sure he expected me to be there waiting, but I was gone and he had no idea where I was for 5 days.
When I finally contacted him to discuss divorce he begged me to come back, give him one more chance. Ok, how many chances do you give them. Then he reminded me of my promise of one year, of course, he didn't have to keep any of his promises, but felt I should.
I am a person of my word and after discussion with counselors, moved back home, but to the guest room and set my schedule so I would have to see him hardly ever. That went on from March to September, then something amazing happened.
I know if you have read this far you are expecting this relationship to end, but it didn't.
The amazing thing that happened nine months after my husband went to rehab was he got SOBER, truely SOBER. It was an amazing transformation, but it took time. Since then he has continued to grow.
I never believed the "I would never have done that sober." especially after he tried to do it again after he quit drinking. There is a difference between not drinking and sobriety. Sobriety is a wonderful thing if it can be achieved.
I guess my point is cheating while alcoholics are active is not uncommon. They are looking for something, they don't know what, and they look in bars. What is in bars, alcoholic women WHO UNDERSTAND THEM.....duh!
I can not believe I stuck it out and that is actually worked.
Some of you say once a cheater, always a cheater, and I think that can be true in come cases, but right now I know my husband would never cheat on me. Now if he started drinking again, that would be out the window because I KNOW he would.
I have had to let go of the anger, hate, jealousy, pain and heartache of the PAST and love the husband I have today. He is a good man......TODAY. If I met him for the first time today and we had no past I would fall in love with him very quickly.
If I was you, I would be more concerned with the fact that he was drinking within 24 hours of getting out of rehab. That is the bigger issue. The cheating won't quit for sure if he is still active. It might not quit if he gets sober as some just have that in them, but it won't quit for sure if he is active.
Deal with the alcoholism first and then the infidelity.
I know my case is the exception to the rule, but just wanted all to know there are exceptions even when it comes to cheating, no good drunks. They can change in rare cases and I must say I am one of the few, VERY few lucky ones.
God bless and good luck, I pray for you all and that someday my situation will be the rule rather than the exception.
My name is Becky and I am a very grateful member of Alanon.

Sunflower

Boy he thinks you would believe anything it seems...on the couch--yah right---Hey its nice to know I am not the only one who screams at the HP....hang in there.....(HUGS)....

MsGolightly

harleygirl, i'm so happy to see that the relationships do work out for some of us, but i was just wondering... how did/do you get over the trust issues? i know i'd have such a hard time and i imagine you did too at some point... how do you get past that?

WhatAboutME

So here I am at 4AM, not feeling so strong. I have been going through stages of disbelief, shock, anger, numbness and sadness. I truly don't believe my husband has cheated on me before. I really don't. Up until February 2nd, despite his drinking, binges, etc., we were still very much together. He was always at home, every night and never "disappeared" during his binges. He binged at home in the garage. I say up until Feb. 2nd because on this date, 24 days before he entered rehab, he started staying at different half-way houses at the suggestion of his intensive outpatient counselor. It was thought that being surrounded by a fellowship in an atmosphere with accountability and rules would help him get back on track, combined with continued IOP sessions and AA. Well, he never did get back on track. He went down hill fast with the drinking and was in and out of the house (a day here, a couple of days at a half-way house, etc.) until entering residential treatment on the 28th. The funny thing in this is I think I met this woman while he was in treatment on "Family Day". He introduced me to her. She was visiting with her 3 kids. She is divorced. I visited him several times while he was in treatment and we attended an individual counseling session together. I don't know why any of that matters in our current situation. I guess I'm just surprised that he paraded me around in front of this woman.

My AH actually was terminated from his job while in treatment. It was a well deserved termination, and he knows it. Still I knew he would take it hard and the reality of the situation when he got out of treatment, seeing the "see ya" letter, really hit home. I knew before he ever got out that dealing with this could very well trigger an immediate relapse. I can't say I'm terribly surprised that he started drinking within 24 hours of being released from treatment. He seems to use these half-way houses as a place to hide. He will drink until he gets kicked out or just move before he can verbally get the boot. Tonight, I think he is sleeping in his car somewhere. Well, that was the last I heard at 9:30 PM. But then again, he also told me he was back in FL and I'm wondering if he was still in GA. Who knows, maybe he's back on this woman's "couch". Or in jail. Or in a hospital. Or even dead.

I don't think this woman is my friend. I mentioned that she was nice on the phone becasue she was honest with me about him spending time and the night with her. God knows I couldn't get even that much out of my AH. I think he finds in her compassion, comfort, etc. that I just can't give him anymore. The funny thing is, he just kept saying that this is her first time through treatment and she's going through alot and he's just trying to help her. To which I responded, how can you help her when you can't even help yourself to stay sober and if she's such a nice girl why are you putting her sobriety in danger by being around her when you're actively drinking.

I just didn't picture it ending this way, not with another woman involved, whether it be physically and/or emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I have pictured it ending, very vividly, just not this way. It's just disturbing that he abandoned his family to latch on to another.

dollydo

The new girlfriend is in AA, how truthful do you really believe she will be? They are birds of a feather.....

Again I say, trust your gut...work on you...his choices are his, yours are yours.

I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

harleygirl92156

Is this really a fair statement? Many on here pray for nothing more than for their loved one to get into AA. Many in AA work a very STRONG honesty program, there are a few who just don't get it, but I find that to be the exception. You have no way of knowing if this woman is working a good program or not and it really isn't fair to make a broad statement implying that everyone in AA is a liar and a cheat because they are in AA. The program deserves better, it saves lives and changes lives.....it is not a liars club.

Maybe, just maybe she is telling the truth and maybe, just maybe so is he.

mallowcup

I think blaming an organization is misdirecting responsibility. I'm sure in many cases there is a connection between people facing the same vices. They are tricking themselves, misinterpreting that commonality.
There is an old and simple concept that I believe has merit.
They say that if a man breaks a womans heart, she is done with him forever. It's over. They say that if a woman braks a mans heart, he will love her forever. Just the difference between the make up of each.
I don't usually get into gender genralizations because they usually aren't true. In thinking back, I do find that once women learn of an infidelity, it's over, either slowly over time or all at once. Something just clicks off. Men do tend to lament over a woman whos left him, even though she was bad news from day one. I guess if we can find enough other things to blame it on, it isnt' their fault, because if it's there fault, we have nothing to save. They don't even want us.
Suddenly all that suffering we do makes us feel like a flaming fruitcake.

harleygirl92156

But statistics show a woman will stay with a man who cheats a lot more often than a man will stay with a woman that cheats.............hum. Confusing isn't it.

WhatAboutME

I'd like to say that she seemed honest in telling me that he slept on the couch. Maybe she was lying, I don't know for sure. Frankly, I know he had been drinking that night and my husband is a to-the-extreme binge drinker. He does not pace himself. He does not drink "too much". He guzzles a pint or 2 of vodka within seconds until the point of passing out. I am not making excuses for him, he's just a sloppy drunk. Maybe I'm being naive, but at this point, I do believe that he slept on the couch. And I don't believe it because it will save our marriage or anything else. Sleeping on her couch may be the starting point to getting in her bed. Who knows.

I am more bothered by the emotional connection they seem to have than any physical attraction or connection. It feels like he has abandoned his family (me, our pets, etc.) to latch onto her and her family.

mallowcup

Frankly, he is abandoning his family. Sleeping on her couch is a hair I wouldn't split. He has his own couch. I think when they are drunk, it is a coincidence where they land for the night. I would go and get tested for STDs.
It may be me but I never seem to find myself on some mans couch for the night.
You seem to resent the bond they are forming, you should. What he's doing is outside any boundary of common respect for you. Have you ever found yourself on some mans couch?
What if you decided that this is 100% unacceptable? Asdie from his bad manners, is this woman not aware that he has a wife?
Nothing changed in my house until I made boundaries. He wouldn't accept this behavior from you in a million years.

harleygirl92156

I agree, glad you came to that conclusion. If this woman is sincere, and you sound like you think she was, I would call her, tell her how you ar feel about him sleeping on her couch and their connection. If she is working a good program and sincere, she won't let it happen again.
She shouldn't have him sleeping on her couch with three children anyway.
That is what I would do, confront the situation head on. Ultimately, the choice is hers, but I would sure discuss it with her.
She may be a recovering alcholic, but they can be enablers too, sometimes the worst enablers there are. She may be in that role and not even realize it. If she didn't let him sleep there he may have had to sleep in his car......closer to his bottom. She gave him a soft place to fall, she should have done that just for that reason, in my opinion.
If she refuses to abide by your wishes in this situation, then you will know it is more than they are admitting.

Pick-a-name

I understand completely.

FYIW:I would not talk to her about it; whether she is telling the truth or lying or giving her spin on things.

He is still drinking,etc......trouble will continue to swirl around him no matter what or "who" it is.

Sorry about your pain;I've been there,too. Just makes ME sicker when I get caught up in the details of his sickness. (Also,I think it just feeds their ego when we get caught in the drama, and that inflated ego always ups the outrageous behavior in my A.) JMO

mallowcup

I have one problem with her sincerity. At 3am when you are worried sick, a sincere woman picks up the phone and lets you know where he is. She would KNOW you were agonizing.
If a man found his way to my couch drunk or otherwise, my first thought would be to call his wife to spare her worry. It would be HER decision to either leave him there or allow me to come and get him.

denny57

I'm with mallow on this one. Though I don't believe the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" especially in the land of alcohol, here we're talking basic respect for a marriage.

harleygirl92156

But, if he was passed out she may not have known how to contact her. BUT sounds as if when he was awake the next morning they spent some time together and THEN it should have been a point for her to insist that HE contact his wife, let her know he was safe and where he was.

mallowcup

If you are passed out on my couch, I promise I would know at least that much about you. Sorry, I just don't buy into this. In other words, this sincere woman has a man in her house passed out or not and she doesn't know enough about him to know he has a worried wife and probably a listed phone number? Naw.........

harleygirl92156

yea but remember we are talking about two alcoholics her, one active and one in very early recovery.......yea I can see it happening.

denny57

It doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. It's how it makes me feel. When I figure that out, I act on it. I got to the point where I said: let them have each other. I don't care why.

Nuudawn

Bit of hairsplitting going on here. You have already scratched the surface of the emotional infidelity already going on here. This woman's sincerity has little to do with the relationship between you and your husband. At worst or best, this is triangulation. Everyone in AA is at some level or screwed upness...and some are sicker than others. We're not all liars but some still are. AA ...like life...you get all kinds.

Something in your gut tells you something is terribly wrong. I've come to realize my gut is never wrong. Fear lies..but my gut don't. Unfortunately, over years of addiction, emotional repression and my eager to please tendencies have all allowed me to obiterate and ignore my own intuition (very bad self care).

I'm somewhat at a loss at to what to tell you other than ....do not lie to yourself. Take care of yourself...that is all you can do right now. Drunk, early recovery...believe me..it's all a bit hellish.