WhatAboutME

Some of you may have read my post over the weekend that my husband just got out of rehab and started drinking less than 24 hours later. If that's not bad enough, if everything that I have been through BEFORE rehab was not bad enough, now I have reason to believe that he may have met someone in rehab and be spending the next 2 days w/ her on a "business" trip. Are you freakin' kidding me?!? I've got to say, I'm pissed that I did not pull the plug on this ridiculous "marriage" some time ago before he had the chance for this last dig. I know it's the disease. I know that, in reality (well his distorted version of reality), he has more in common with this woman right now than me, despite almost 10 years together. And I'm really not upset like I would have thought I'd be. I'm not imagining them together and getting jealous. I'm not crying. I'm just pissed. If this is in fact what is going on, I'm sure it will hit me soon and there will be more emotion, but right now I'm just spitting mad. And maybe this is ***my*** HP working for me - Giving me the final push to leave this relationship, because for me, infidelity is a deal-breaker. Yes I've cleaned up his puke more times than I can remember and even been peed on in the middle of the night when he was too drunk to get up and go to the bathroom, but cheating on me?!? Hell to the no. There will be life after him. I know I deserve better and I won't stop until I find better and feel better - every single day, not just a day or so here and there. To hell with him.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out. I just can't bring myself to tell my friends or family of my suspicion. I'm sure they already think I'm a nut for staying with him through all of this drinking crap. Time to get thee to Al-Anon again and fast!


Thanks for listening!!!

denny57

When I got wind of the same, I hired a P.I. $350 later I had all the proof I needed so he could not tell me one more time I was a paranoid nut case. Something clicked in me and I thank my higher power every single day for allowing me to hear that click.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Everything about it sucks except, perhaps, the freedom you will gain from it.

MsGolightly

i think it just might be the 13th step! it seems so many of us have experienced infidelity with our A's and it's so sad and heartbreaking.

i'm hoping this is my cue to move on and that i deserve better... i just hope i'm strong enough to follow it.

good luck to you! keep us posted.

free2be

Me too, had a suspision, No, I knew. but AH was a very good liar and very convincing, charming. Kept checking his voicemail on his cell phone. One day, BINGO, busted. "I know you are going through a rough time, I love you, we will be together". Spent time and money tracing numbers trying to find out who this person was. Never did. Didn't matter. He would lie his way out and make me believe I was crazy anyway. She can have him.

lillian

my husband cheated on me right after getting sober; at least you are mad and know your boundaries- mine are like water-- all over the place. being mad is healthy- i blamed myself, felt sad- anything but mad- and i know if i cheated on him, he would have killed me! he did it again, too- it sounds like you are doing the right thing by talking about it to someone, going to alanon- it can be very disorienting- keep posting and hang in there. do you have friends you can talk to about this? any way to relieve stress? have you addressed this with him?

hope2bhappy

I'm not trying to throw up any dust clouds, here... but are you sure? You said it was a suspicion. Will you be able to find out for a fact?

guyinNC

Rehab romance..... Join the club. My wife met the love of her life, another drunk, in rehab. Thus ended our marriage. We do the worrying, pay the bills, clean up the mess...............and they do whatever suits their own desires.

Alcoholics lie, thats what they do.

Janitw

The pain from infidelity is nothing short of earth shattering....it shakes you to the very core of your being. I was and am so very effected by what my XAH did to the kids and I that I cant ever look at him again and wont. The kids wont have anything to do with him either as they are the ones who tried to tell me their mom that he was cheating.....but mine was not in AA or in any type of recovery program...the 13th step is when two people who are in AA decide to have an affair with each other..plain and simple. But I read the stats on this and the chances of this type of a relationship lasting in about 0. I know this doesnt seem to make you feel better hun but as the time goes on and the reality of this affair if in fact that what it is comes full circle be glad that we are here for you because as I say the pain can do all but destroy you....it almost got the better of me and now, today my XAH is married to his affair partner..and they drink and whoop it up every weekend at the bar right next to my home the very home that he and I raised our children in. I still cry alot but I get stronger each and every day and all I can say is stay the course, keep your chin up and stay mad......the anger will - believe it or not - get you through it. Try to catch them if you can...it will help alot...I never got this opportunity and I now know that it would have helped me a great great deal....because like you - for me - cheating was always a deal breaker - in the end I even second guessed this truth that I lived by and tried to rationalize it away...of course I couldnt and it didnt matter anyway because when he left he didnt look back and still hasnt..

My heart goes out to all of you whose spouses are cheating because its got to be the worst feeling that a human can experience in life....add abandonment to it and its nothing short of and an attempt to destroy, hurt and maim and scar the faithful and loving co-dependant spouse. And in some cases does just that. And this folks is why we stand strong with each other because there is safety in numbers...and we pick each other up when we are down..I was torn up from the floor up when I came here in April of 2006 and I have so much more to go as far as what one would call recovery but ....I couldnt have come even this far without all the kind and loving people here on this forum...

We are here for you hun thats about all I can say but do yourself a favor instead of trying to guess if he is cheating on you go to where ever this business trip is and find out for yourself...or hire someone to do it for you. It will hurt to see them together but at least he wont make you feel like a fool. Pictures never lie !!!

Stay strong.

(((((((hugs))))))))))

Janit

thejig

Hang in there girlfriend!
Love,
Jig

denny57

I wish I could share my dvd with all of you who worry about this. You know what it showed? 2 drunks stumbling down the street, her walking a little ahead of him waving her hand in the air, him pretty much ignoring her. No acts of affection, etc. I could see he was doing that walk - trying very, very hard, to act sober. They held each other up going into the apt. building. I don't know if he was on his Levitra by then, but I don't think it was anything sexy or romantic going on in there.

It was a RELIEF to me to see that it wasn't the fantasy I had built up in my head.

You might be surprised at your feelings when getting the "proof."

MsGolightly

i actually was never suspicious of cheating... i was suspicious of and worried of a "friendship" that my ex had which she described as a "very close connection" - that she even ended at one point because i was uncomfortable with it. well little do you know, she did cheat on me with this "friend" within our first month together (2 years ago!) - and i just found out two months ago!

and to think... i was always made out to be paranoid, insecure, controlling, and selfish, not being able to understand a deep friendship, and i was right all along! what made it even worse is that the "friend" called me and told me that my ex cheated on me 2 years ago, and my heart sank... even though i was suspicious of something all along. it felt good not to feel CRAZY and "paranoid" anymore! and now they're seeing each other, now that we've broken up, which upsets me beyond belief. i'm in more pain than i ever thought was possible, and i still cry myself to sleep at night.

but anyway, janit, your post made me tear up. i just can't believe how people can do that to each other... i would never have the heart to treat someone so badly.

in my heart, i know it won't work, for any of our exes. the way i see it is: once a cheater, always a cheater. and, i'm a firm believer that what goes around comes around. sometimes it's the only way we learn a lesson. just because our exes are with other people doesn't mean they're any happier. everyone here is so caring and kind, and we've spent so much of our time "helping" and loving our A's... i definitely think they will all realize that one day, and how rare it is to have someone truly love you and care about you... they'll all regret losing us.

just my two cents

MsGolightly

another question... is it wrong of me to think that cheating has something to do with the alcoholism - i mean, they don't necessarily go hand in hand, but could some of our exes have cheated as an effect of being an alcoholic? is that making any sense?

or am i searching for comfort in a place i'm not going to find it?

golden4life

My A never cheated, but he lied and blamed me for a lot of things. I really believe that the disease of alcoholism is NOT an excuse for lying, blaming, cheating, etc. People don't cheat because they are alcoholics, they cheat because they don't care about how their actions affect others. Don't feel sorry for him for cheating on you...that's just crazy. And don't try to seek comfort in rationalizing his behavior. You can't rationalize it because it isn't rational.

MsGolightly

i think what i needed was for someone to tell me i was crazy... thanks golden

i just keep looking for some explanation about why i wasn't "good enough," when i know i'm the most amazing person my ex will ever know... why she was still able to cheat on me and move onto someone else so quickly... it's so much easier for me to blame the disease than to blame her, and i just don't know where to draw the line anymore - and it's very frustrating

dollydo

A cheater is a cheater, plain and simple, and the act in most cases is re-occuring...you may never know the truth, but always trust your gut...it doesn't know how to lie. The desire to cheat may be magnified by alcohol, however, the basic core is there from the beginning.

Take care of you,

Hugs,
Dolly

WhatAboutME

Well it seems as though my "suspicion" was on the right track. To make a long story short, he had excessive calls to this number in the city where his "meeting" was. I called the number last night and it went to a girl's voice mail. When I say excessive, I mean there are 12 calls between the 2 of them yesterday - most made from him to her. I found out her name from the voice mail. When I confronted him today he denied knowing anyone by that name. Then he said SHE calls HIM all of the time. Then I asked if he stayed with her last night and he said no he stayed at a hotel. Then he admitted to sleeping on her couch. I hung up...and called her. Now keep in mind the last call he made last night before turning off his cell phone was to her at 5:30 PM. She was actually very nice. She told me that they went to an AA meeting together last night and that he came over to watch a movie and passed out on her couch. She said nothing happened and that he never acted inappropriately towards her. But, she also told me that he had said he told me where he was staying. They went to breakfast this morning and then another AA meeting. And now no one knows exactly where he is, but he's drunk to the heavens.

I don't know if anything physical actually happened. I am more bothered that they were hanging out like a couple. I don't know if he even really had any business meeting. It seems he just ran to her for comfort. She told me that he kept saying that he loved me, but was sick of hurting me. We have been togther for 12 years and married for almost 7 of those 12 years. He has done some pretty ****** things during all of those years secondary to alcohol. He's said some pretty rotten and selfish things. But I have never ever once suspected or even had a "feeling" that he was unfaithful or anything related. I'm glad I called her. I'm glad I know some version of the truty. I thanked her for her honesty and wished her well in her own recovery. I can't be angry at 2 people who are so messed up. And I just don't want to be angry anymore. I am definitely hurt. I wish I would have ended this on my own terms. I had actually finally made some moves to secure my finances and transfer some of our savings into my own private account yesterday morning before all of this.

Oh well, I don't even know what to say. I guess this is just one more thing he will have to come to terms with should he ever recover. And when that time comes, there will be no making amends with me. Not ever. For me, this really takes the cake, alcohol or not.

denny57

You can end it on your own terms, WAM. The fact that you transferred those funds shows that. It hurts, I know. I promise you it will get better. Once I removed myself from the situation and got some distance on it, I improved every day.

I'd like to share something. I have become very good friends with a man from one of my meetings. He has been a very, very important part of my recovery. When we met, he had a girlfriend, who is now his fiance. I made a point of getting to know her, invited her to my home, we cooked dinners together, etc. She understands the program and the fellowship. I felt it was important for her to know that's all it was. In the process, I've made a friend.

((()))

Nuudawn

The infidelity of another speaks volumes about them...it's never about you. Sadly, the incidences of "hooking up" in rehab is very, very high. It's just another escape from "the self". You're dealing with a "sick" individual who has no coping mechanisms whatsoever. You're dealing with a child who has fed off instant gratification continuously. We drunks (I'm 3 months sober) have incredibly low pain/frustration threshholds. We're usually cross addicted all over the place...give me anything...booze, dope, cigarettes, sex, food...whatever...so I don't have to feel my feelings, deal with my pain or at the heart of it...deal with the person I don't know and suspect I dislike intently...myself.

Trying to deal with the insanity of the alcoholic mind (whether you're in it...or around it) is incredibly painful and confusing. There is no rationale..and their/our hearts are buried beneath too much fear. We are too self involved...too overwhelmed by our own pain to even bother thinking of anyone else. It's always..."give me what I want right now..to hell with everything else". We are a selfish and self involved breed. It takes a good long stint of sobriety and recovery to even scratch the surface of this mess.

MsGolightly

WAM, i'm so sorry to hear about your husband like everyone else says, follow your gut and your suspicions... i think it was even worse for me always being paranoid and always wondering what was going on, knowing i didn't trust my A anymore, and having it confirmed was a relief that i wasn't crazy anymore, although i'm not sure i'll ever get over it or ever stop wondering why i wasn't good enough. i'm so sorry, we're here for you to vent away anytime though...

nuudawn, i truly appreciate your posts - in fact, i look forward to reading them. i feel like i have much to learn from what you have to share, and i love that you're so honest and willing to describe "the other side" to us --- it's been hard for me lately to look back on the relationship with my A and decide if she was really being honest or not, so thank you

Janitw

ITFM - if their lips are moving.....their lieing.....
I want to thank you for your post it was very kind of you to give me such a warm response...thank you.

WAM - I went to an open AA meeting a long back - shortly after my discovering by divorce notification papers that he was living with a woman and who she was...and at this meeting a man got up and told his story...he was in tears because he had cheated on his wife and kids and she and the kids kicked him out and she promptly divorced him...this was 5 years earlier....and he still had soooo much regret and remorse....he kept saying if only he could have gone back and made other choices...I asked him if it was the alcohol that contributed to the cheating at all...he said no...that the only thing the alcohol did was lower his inhibitions about doing the act itself...and continuing on in that adulterous affair which lasted about 6-8 months....so you see I wanted in the worst way to blame the alcohol for my husbands indiscretions and now I couldnt....these men and women wouldnt give me this excuse for him...needless to say I cried alot that night..

Do what you have to do for YOU and YOU alone....it does get better with each and every passing day..it is a slow trudge but we all get there. You have started the process already by doing what you have done with regards to your finances....let this be only the beginning. If he slept on her couch he meant he slept in her bed...but then I think you have figured that out by now havent you?

Whats that saying? Keep your friends close to you but keep your enemies closer???? She is NOT your friend hun she is HIS...if she were a decent woman she would have made sure he didnt fall asleep at her place at all.....

Janit