Stephanie

It really is just the be all and end all. Why can't I just accept that this is what it is. I married an alcoholic who isn't using but will never accept recovery. He's just stuck in the it's "all about me phase" "The can't see beyond his own nose phase"

It's very disheartening and I'm pretty sick and tired of it. My biggest problem with him is that most of the time he has his own agenda, things he's involved in that keeps him from participating in the family. We have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a house with a lot of bills. We have an enormous amount of responsibility with refinancing the house, having a step child, 2 babies, an old house where everything is needing to be replaced one by one all at the same time. I am not working right now and money is pretty tight. I do all the financing and to say I am creative about it is an understatement. We're borrowing from one month to pay the other basically. We need a new furnace and airconditioner before the summer. Our AC bill in the summer is $450 a month because our equipment is 25 yrs old. We ran out of oil and it's $2 a gallon right now because of the war. Well, my husband has decided to go skiing for the next 5 days in Utah, so not only does he want 1500 for the trip, he won't be making any money this week either. I'm telling you if we weren't getting our tax return back soon I don't know how we would pay mortgage.

I told him from the get go that we couldn't afford it but he just bought the ticket anyway. I took out $900 to give him t take with him. That would leave me and the kids with $350 for a week. However he is insisting at this very minute that he's going to the bank to take out another $250.

Now how do I work the program with this stuff. It's infuriating me that I keep explaining the state of our finances to him and he acts like it's not reality. If he takes out $250 we'll have like $100 and he says "Uh Yeah, ok so what's your point? What if there is an emergency?

Now do I just say well he's going anyway, might as well just turn it over and accept it. I mean he does make the money and he has been working a lot of overtime and been working really hard, but you know so have I. I do everything else and that includes, single handedly bringing up my step son. He went skiing last year too and said that I could go on vacation this year. Well my friends from AA were going on a cruise but I couldn't go because he couldn't leave work to stay home and watch the kids like he promised. But it seemed like he had no problem taking this week off. Can you spell resentment?????

I haven't had any time off since i gave birth to my 2 1/2 yr old. I'm talking 24/7 here because I got pregnant when he was only 6 months old. I am not complaining about that because I knew it would take dedication and hard work, I just didn't think I was doing it alone.

I am not a raving bi..., I would probably not be so mad if he acknowledged what he's doing but he keeps justifying himself and this trip. We won't be able to take a trip to the beach as a family this summer because he's going skiing. I mean if he said, I know things are tight but I'm going to work a lot of overtime when I get back and I really need this because I have been working so hard, I would lighten up but all he says is bottom line is you need to go get a job. We agreed I would quit working while the kids are little and I'm comitted to that. He just wants me to go to work because my earning potential is greater than his.

Ok is this selfish of me to be harping on him about all this. I mean he has been clean since November and he has been much more attentive and awake and he does help when I ask. I'm involved in a lot of things and he always watches the kids. When he had relapsed things were so bad.....should I just be happy that things have gotten a lot better or is my anger legitimate. Sometimes I feel like it's the only state of mind I have with him. He's just never good enough. What is that about? I can't see ever accepting him for who he is. How do you do that?

I'm sorry so long, I really needed to vent....thanks.

JT

Searching,

The family is a unit. Look at the traditions of AA and the common welfare of the group should come first. I don't think either party should be selfish financially to the detriment of the unit. I think he is being selfish...as if you couldn't read between the lines.

I am a dreamer and a spender, Ward is practical in all ways. We snit a bit about money but we both acknowledge that we compliment each other. He would live in a tent with a big bank account if it wasn't for me and I would live in a tent with nothing if it wasn't for him. But I would have great cloths and take vacations.

Again...the good of all should be the first priority. And you can tell him I said so!


JT

smoke gets in my eyes

I don't know how leaving four members of your family with practically nothing to subsist on for a week (when you have a choice) can be "good enough". That notwithstanding, it seems clear that you can't count on him to make his family's welfare his first priority. And if this is how it's going to be, leaving the situation as is would be a pretty precarious thing for you and your kids. It's lousy, but having your own income may be the safeguard you need. It wasn't the deal... but it sounds like the deal is already broken.

Are you selfish? Seems like a little cash on hand in case you or one of your children has an unexpected need is a sane kind of selfishness. But it doesn't sound like harping is doing you any good either. Is your anger legitimate? Probably. It just isn't useful. What do you need to do to make sure you aren't left in an insecure position again?


Hugs,
Smoke

Stephanie

I was probably like this too, but it's as if A's in their disease have absolutely no concept of the consequences of their actions on others or even on themselves. He just left at 1:30a to go to the ATM. Sheesh, skip a day of skiing and go sight seeing so we can pay the oil bill. He says we don't need heat anymore, it's April. Well, it's 40 degrees right now.

I have been wanting to go back to work but the idea of leaving my boys just breaks my heart. What am I going to do let a day care bring them up? Day care for 3 kids is going to be like $2000 a month. But guess it's my only alternative. I'm all flabusheled....I need sleep and I'll be able to think more clearly tomorrow.

JT

Searching,

I provided daycare out of my home for 8 years (so I could be at home and be sure the Beav had a stable upbringing....whatever) and there are good alternatives in home settings as well. Close to school so they won't have to move. 3 kids is tough I know but how about alternatives to bring in income?

JT

Morning Glory

Searching,

I can't say anymore than JT and Smoke have, but I would be resentful too. That just doesn't seem fair.

It's hard work raising 3 children. You deserve a break too.

Hugs,
MG

Josie

(((((Searching))))
I always read all your posts and replys.
I think you are amazing, and all that you
do!!!!
Ditto to all above, I hope this all works
out for you, and I'm sure it will in time.

Hugs,

Gypsygirlmom

Search,

I thank you for posting this today!!! And as you already know, your story is so much like mine. I just had to laugh when you said, he said "He says we don't need heat anymore, it's April. Well, it's 40 degrees right now." Mine is "its 40 outside, we don't need a fire, so I don't have to cut anymore wood" so there's like 8 sticks of wood downstairs and a blizzard outside. ??? or, it's hot in here, so we don't need to put any wood in the woodburner...well it's going to be 50 in here at 2am and guess who gets to start a new fire??? No maintaining concept. He has also been alot a places, yet if I want to do something...of course there is no money.

I think you have everyright to feel angry, it is a family hardship that he is causing for his own selfishness & satisfication. Mine will NEED to build a stock car, it will cost a couple thousand, won't call for sponsors & will expect me to do it, if I refuse, oh well, he deserves it cuz he works so hard. I just won't even bother going on here....

Did you think about maybe opening a daycare? or babysitting? I did it when my kids were younger, I know alot of women who did this. Like you said, child care is so expensive. Maybe if you can find something you can do from home, start making some money, a plan, and what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids. As I have been told, and you and I both know, unless there is recovery, it is not going to change unless WE change something. Change the things we can.

********{I am right here with you!}}}}}

We will need to discuss this bathtub situation I noticed!!

lyn_blossom78

I know how hard it is to go it alone! Why is it, so many men think they are only secondary (or less than that), in raising the kids? If I was there, I'd watch those kids awhile while you took a long JT Bubble Bath, and then took a shopping break!

Heck, I'd be mad at the inconsideratenesssssss !?! of it all, but I'd also feel relief for mine being gone for 5 days (relief? heck I'd feel elated!)

And on the staying home with no income--did you ever sell on e-Bay? You'd be surprised how much one person's junk is another person greatest desire! That's what I'd do!

Lyn

Live

Searching,

Since you handle all the finances I am assuming he doesn't keep track....you get all the responsiblity and worry about one month not making it to the next.

I know you don't have a dime to spare but on the other hand there is enough for him to vacation. Well that is an oxymoron...but, anyway, I would suggest systematically siphoning off whatever you can and maintaining it in a separate account of your own, call it an emergency fund for you and your children or whatever but I wouldn't tell him about it because he obviously is not responsible with it......it is kind of closing the barn door after the horse is out...but it might help prevent the barn from being wrecked and ruined

Angry? Boy, oh boy I would be furious!

live

journeygal

Ok, so now I feel like a horse's a$$ for posting my resentment about our finances in RAPS

But I sooo know how you feel. I've been at both extremes of this and it's so damn frustrating. Some months I have wanted to throw the bills at him and see how he handles it all - but I know we'd be on the street in two months!!!

You have every reason to angry. Looks like it's time to pull out that dart board w/his picture on it!!!

Hugs,
JG

margo

(((((Searching))))) Sending lots of hugs and support. That is NOT cool at all. JT's idea about the daycare is a really good one if you can swing it, although it would add a lot to an already full plate. My sister-in-law did it with her own 3 boys under the age of 5 at home, and although it got pretty chaotic at times, it worked out well for her and brought in that extra cash.

As for "selfish," I disagree. So what if he's been working hard and paying attention. So have you. That's what raising kids and running a household is all about. I'd be more than a little miffed....

Love and hugs.

Stephanie

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's very validating. I should know by now to trust my instincts.

I had a rough morning. I was looking at the account online and making sure the pending payments were going to be covered. I noticed that yesterday the grocery store charged me twice $277.68. First I called the grocery they said they only got paid once then I called the bank and show there's been 2 payments recorded. Both were blaming eachother and continued to send me back and forth. The bank finally said they would have to research it and they said it would take them 48 hrs., maybe more. That meant no money and bounced checks

Well, here's where I got out my skillet and took care of the bank people one by one until I got the person that finally said they would take the second charge off my account.:uzi2: I was in no mood to be reconed with especially about takng away the last $100 my husband left us with.

He's gone. He left at 4 this morning to make his 7:00 plane which, by the way, he missed because he went to the wrong airport. Hee Hee

Live

LMAO Missed the plane! hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

margo

Searching - that is priceless!!!! Even if you'd wished it, would you ever have believed it might happen? ROFLMAO

Debbie

Hey Searching,

So he has gone on vacation and left you at home with the kids......I see something wrong with the picture.

I think I would have gone to the bank and taken out all the money. I have actually done this when he was in a using mode.

Oh well, I guess all you can do is let it go and hope for the best.

You know I say this with love

Hugs,
Debbie

PS.....Missing the plane is priceless as Margo said....perhaps one of those Visa commericals......will have to think on that......

margo

Skiing trip in Utah....$900.00
Extra spending money....$250.00
Going to the wrong airport and missing your flight....PRICELESS!!!!

Stephanie

Yeah You're right....I guess I didn't appreciate the beauty of that situation. He was a little frantic when he called.......

The airport he was suppose to go to is an hour away in one direction and the airport he went to is an hour away in the other direction. He called to get his buddies cell phone number. Of course his friend was already on the plane and his friend was the one who made all the reservations so if he doesn't get in touch with him, things could get a little tricky:p

It's actually kind of peaceful around here, I like it. My blood pressure hasn't been this low in years. I wonder if I stress when i'm just in his presence?? You know like when someone has to walk on eggshells, this is more like walking on nails. Hmmmmm. Maybe this trip will turn out to be educational.

Live

OUta sight outa mind

You are handling this so much better than I would.

I just think it is really wrong and I would have done something rash like "if you go you better take all your stuff with you!"

Stephanie

I know what you mean live. I have been able to control every boyfriend with threats, manipulation, ending the relaionship. I was even able to do it with my husband for a while but not for long. He is the stubbornest man I have ever met. I tried though, believe me, I tried. He's the one that brought me to my knees with stuff like that though. I know that if I say stuff like tha, it's not going to change what he's going to do and I better be able to back up what I say. It's kind of a wake up call.

I believe very much in the universe, carma....stuff like that, you know what comes around goes around. I'm hoping god has a way to teach him about priorities that is far more effective than I can do.................actually, so far...good old god is doing OK, huh. Maybe he'll lose his luggage