deax

I dunno what I'm looking for here. A kick in the ass maybe? I'm feeling myself weakening lately. Maybe I'm just lonely, or it's a product of continuing to detach emotionally from my family-- which is so new to me, but which feels right and which my therapist strongly encourages. But I'm losing focus or something in relation to R.

I feel like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 2 steps back lately. Is that normal? For a while I’ve been feeling a lot better. Even had my moments when I said to myself, what was I ever doing with him?

But lately it seems like I’m starting to miss him again more and more. Is it because he hasn’t called me in over a month? Is it because I haven’t been keeping as busy? I dunno. But I am remembering all these good times and nice memories, the ways I felt with him when times were good. There was something very sexy about him, or he made me feel very sexy, either way there was a little fire burning between us, and he was very funny and we really could talkto each other, believe it or not. Plus the holidays are coming. Last year at this exact time we were at our super best, really enjoying each other. I was very happy to wake up in the morning.

Why can't I remember the bad stuff as easily this week? I know it was there. After all, you can only have a good conversation with someone who answers the ******* phone.

I still live with my mom while I finish grad school and I was remembering last year in March when she kicked me out of the house, for dating him basically, and I had to stay with different friends for a week, I only had 3 outfits with me so I had to do laundry, and you know what? It was kind of fun, in retrospect. Liberating. He got us a hotel room the first and last nights of my “homelessness.” He was there for me with that. My mom was and is 100% wrong in that particular argument we had about him, I know that to this day.

No one in my family called me to see where or how I was for three days. And when I did talk to them, I called them. My family (mom, grandma, brother) who supposedly loves me SOOOO much they couldn’t bear to see me throw my life away on him. Noone knew where I was sleeping at night. But he was there for me. Still...

Nevermind that we were sort of broken up at the time and that the first night, he went and got in the other bed in the hotel because I didn’t want to have sex with him. That made me cry so he apologized for acting like an ******* and came back right away. And then 2 nights later when I was at my friend Gail’s, I didn’t get a hold of him all night, which hurt my feelings because that particular day I was in meetings all day at work and I hadn’t spoken to him since around noon, at which point I didn’t really know where I’d be sleeping that night. Brooklyn or Westchester or the Bronx. I thought he’d be more concerned as to where I ended up. He said the next daythat he knew I’d be with one of my friends, it’s not like I had nowhere to go. Meh… still bugged me.

Why do I feel myself moving backwards? Or if not backwards, then standing still? For a while there I felt I was moving forward, making progress. I still do, but some weird shift is happening where I’m starting to miss him again. I have a feeling I’ll hear from him over the holidays, and part of me wants to talk to him. Just to say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Maybe I won’t see him for a whole year, but what would be the harm in the occasional phone conversation after 6 damn months, which it will be by then, if it makes me happy. Shades of gray are popping up more and more lately. I’ll be done with school before the Spring and will FINALLY be able to get my own apartment. No one will be as directly in my business anymore as far as my family goes. So it would be easier for us to hanf out. But as far as getting back together, I don’t know if I should be with him anyway, whether he's sober or not. He’s kind of beneath me, as much as that sickens me to say. I don’t know if I could ever marry him. But I am happier when he’s in my life. And I don't feel ready to meet someone new. Or rather, to go out looking for someone new. I try, but I always end up comparing people to him.

When I compare him to other addicts people talk about here, I still say he seems different from them. I believe he is sincere when he says that he never meant to hurt me, I believe he loves me. The absolute WORST things he ever did to me were lie about whether he’d drank/used (sometimes with elaborate stories justifying the disappearances), pretending not to know who certain numbers in his phone belonged to (dealers), and got wasted one night and ruined our entire weekend plans. Never hit me. Never cheated. Never called me mean names. That makes it easier for me to continue to justify things. And I dunno what to do about that.

I’m doing all the right things. Al Anon, still reading all the books, still going to meditation workshops (though they had a few weeks off, starts up again this weekend), still praying. I hear myself giving this great advice to other people sometimes on here. But lately I feel kinda like a sham. I feel like there's still so much I still haven't figured out.

Last night I was doing some cleaning upstairs and I found the card I wanted to give him last Valentine's Day but couldn't cuz were were fighting. It said, "Sometimes you have to stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart. So glad mine led me to you." At the time I thought that described us perfectly. I also found some other relics from when we were together. That stuff is always hard to see.

We broke up, I dunno, probably 15 times in one year. Well, I broke up with him. Think we had problems?? What is with me.

So yeah, I know this thread is kind of random, and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, lol... But if anyone understands what I'm getting at, or if this emotional back and forth is normal, any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

justme2007

Deax, I lost my focus over the weekend too. Just feeling nostalgic. I believe the longer I have no contact, the less frequently that will happen.

Something useful I heard at a 12-step meeting once was, "Feelings are not facts." In other words, just because you miss him, doesn't mean that's based on facts that would support that emotion! I don't know . . . I just keep reading the Al-Anon 12 and 12, and that gives me renewed confidence. That's what works for me anyway . . .

This too shall pass - - Hang in there! :-)

Minx1969

Easy Does it Deax. There are major periods of growth in recovery (usually triggered by pain) and then it slows down somewhat..at least that's been my experience. Remember that it took years to become the person that you are and it's going to take time to undo some of the bad habits as well.

Holidays are major triggers for everyone. It has taken me years to actually enjoy the holidays (I have greatly lowered my expectations and I do what I want to do not what other people want me to do). It can be a lonely time of year..Volunteering and being of service to others in need is a great way to feel better about yourself this time of year.

Go back and read the paragraph about how you spent the night with him at the hotel and what happened..Read it again..

Is that REALLY the type of relationship you want?

Now is the time to figure out what YOU like to do in life..what are your hobbies etc? It's great that you are almost done with school - now you will so much more time to explore, travel and get to know you better.

Don't worry so much about meeting someone else..Believe it or not, there will be someone else at some point..Enjoy the "meantime"..Get busy.

You can call him, if you are ready for some more pain.

Hang in there..you are doing great..

denny57

Maybe you need to go back for a reason. Sometimes that happens. Perhaps there are still lessons to be learned.

Only you know. What motivated this sentence?:

deax

Hi Minx.
This is something my therapist tells me all the time. There's such a sense of obligation and guilt in my family, but I'm not required to do anything, she always says. And that is so liberating for me- I'm not bound to my family, I can give them a set amount of time, etc. It's freeing.

I've actually been thinking about volunteer work. I think I would do it for the homeless. If I can find the time. I have Student Teaching next semester so I need to quit my job-- which means I'll need to work nights and weekends part-time starting in December.

But I feel like I don't know myself, and I am looking forward to figuring myself out. I spent so many years being defined by others, I think, or living in reaction to them.

No, but I have to say that I kind of led him on that night. I was so mixed up about him, we were on and off and on and off, and I loved him and wanted to be close to him so I made some conflicting choices, but I had no right to make out heavily with him for 20 minutes and then say, "I don't wanna do this." I had issues with sex with him, I think because that general trust piece was so in question all the time. And he was very patient with me with that overall. So yeah, even though his getting in the other bed was F'd up, I can justify it. Is that bad? Fair? All I know is I've been thiking about that situation a lot lately. Not sure why. Oh and he also said, "I could have gone home" when he first got into the other bed. He lives three hours away so he was saying he could have left to go home that night since I could have gone to my friend Jen's. So it made me feel like he didn't stay with me because he wanted to be there for me. It was in case maybe he'd get lucky. Jerk much? He realized lately how horrible that sounded, but I've been thinking about it.

deax

How bad does it have to get? Or how much time do I have to waste before I convince myself? I'm gonna be 30 in April. But I feel stuck re: him lately.


When he drank or used, the first tip-off was that he would just stop answering the phone. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to reach him for 12 hours or all night, after he didn't call when he said he would, etc.

mazey

Deax, do you have a list of reasons you AREN"T with him. Can you look at that and have a clear reminder of why you aren't with him? Sometimes we need reminders, without the contact pain. Feelings are just that, feelings....
Prolly not where you really want to be, and a moment worth of "tickled" can mean a longer worth of pain! It's so hard.....

parentrecovers

Clarity and focus are tough. I'm sorry that you are struggling. Good thing to write it out. Be patient. It takes time. Be patient. K

deax

Yeah, I never actually wrote out a formal list. Maybe I should. I know the reasons. But my problem is that I can justify the majority of them. Fortunately, the ones I can't are reason enough to continue on my path-- and logically I know that. For some reason though I just go so thrown around lately. And I've been finding a lot of fault with myself, and realizing how many times I had his back up against the wall. For all his flaws, that man put up with a LOT from me. Just dunno why it's all coming back to me now.

It'll pass, eventually.

mfisher

My mind goes over and over things, that is the insanity of the whole thing.
Sometimes when the chaos slows down we don't know what do with ourselves, I call it self sabatoge, I start having these thoughts, justifying, ratiionalizing, questioning myself.
I have to refocus, its is not rememebering the good or the bad, it is remembering what drove me to leave.
Sure their were good times, every needs the feeling of being loved, but do you really want to be loved by such a sick, a person who makes you so insane.
Things didn't get "that bad" for you, consider yourself lucky. The disease is progressive and the behavior gets progressively worse.
It sounds like you have alot of unfinished business and issues. I pray that you can resolve them on your own, but as Denny said sometimes you need to go back and get another reminder, been there done that.
Give yourself time before you do anything, this to shall pass.

deax

I should tattoo this on my forehead. I think this has a lot to do with it. I wasn't feeling this bad when he was calling every few weeks. I'm definitely gonna wait this out, not gonna DO anything at all yet but keep on keepin on. Despite how I sound, I don't feel as bad as I used to in the beginning.

Minx1969

Deax -

Yeah..I've beaten myself up alot over past relationships too..but we are human and we get to be human faults and all...

One thing that is really helpful is to do is work the steps..In our 4th step we get to look at ourselves as whole human beings and then by the time we reach our 8th and 9th, we get to make amends to the people we have hurt...Sometimes we do direct amends and sometimes not.

In my case, my sponsor wouldn't let me do direct amends to my ex..But I'm keeping him and other exs on my list should I ever run into them in the future - I'll make those amends..

Even today I was kind of an a$$ to my boyfriend this morning..so I'll have to apologize...

I guess the key is to clean up the past (which you are doing) and then keep the present clean!

denny57

Don't beat yourself help. Try not to think of it as "wasted" time. You are following your path. You're questioning everything and that is good. The flip side could be being so paralyzed with fear that I end up making no decision. I was 42 before I started to see the light and I really mean started. It took another 5 years before I learned what alcoholism was and started my own recovery. Up til then I thought I could love him out of it.

Take care of you. You are worth it.

DESIGNER

.......

DESIGNER

Hi Deax,

Girl I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have been reading on here for a while and I wanted to let you know that I feel as though I can relate the best to you. I think that our situations are the most similiar and sometimes I feel as though you are writing and feeling exactly what is in my head and my heart at that very moment. It is sometimes kind of scary how closely I relate to you. The one thing that really hit home is this.

I have gone through numerous stages. There are times where I feel that everything in my life is going the way it should and I feel that I can go on with out him and then there are times like this week that all I could think about was how much I missed him. I just want to be the way we were-when it was good. We had a closeness and a love that was real and I miss the way I felt when he used to hug me or the way I felt when he used to kiss me good night and I knew that I had someone lying next to me that loved me. Those are the times that I want back so badly but I also have to ask myself if I would take back the lies and the broken promises ,and that is for sure a no. I try to keep telling myself that there is someone else out there for me who will give me all the wonderful things that he gave me without all the extra baggage. I deserve that kind of a love and so do you.

I do the same exact thing. I find myself justifying everything that my exabf did because I know that he is a really good person. He was actually really romantic at times. He never hit me, cheated on me or called me a bad name in the three yrs we were together. The only time that we really ever got into heated arguments was when the bottle was around. That bottle changed my sweet wonderful caring boyfriend into this lying awful heartless person. I miss that sweet guy that I knew but honestly I don't miss the sleepless nights, the lies, the ruined plans, the way I felt when I found him wasted. I too have to stop myself and really focus on the bad times when I start to remember the way it felt when he held me or kissed me and told me he loved me. Of course I am going to miss that and who knows one day we may be together again but for right now I know that he is not the person that I could plan my future with so for right now I am just going to hold on tight to my dreams and as hard as it may seem some days just focus on myself. It is tough and these holidays are going to be very hard. I know because Halloween was hard for me- I can't even imagine how thanksgiving or christmas is going to be. I just wanted you to know that I know the exact pain you are going through and I know that there are others on this disc. board that also understands what it is like to miss the ones that we truly loved.

You had said that you are doing a lot of things to keep yourself busy and that is good ,but do you workout at all?? I have started working out again( and it was not easy getting myself back to the gym) and I am feeling better everyday that I continue to workout. Give it a try!!!

Take care Girl!!!

deax

Hey DESIGNER. Thanks for posting. Not that I'm happy to know you feel the same way but it is nice to know that someone else is in a similar place emotionally. Logic vs. nostalgia. I was only with Rich for a year- you have 3x the memories! (hugs) I cant believe such a short relationship that was so bumpy is still having such an effect on me. Or why it's so hard to remember that the good and the bad went hand in hand. You understand.

I'll fill you in on my therapy last night in case any of it helps you too. So I told my doc about all this. And she said, so you're not ready to let go of him yet. It's ok. Stop resisting that and trying to force it to happen. Focus on other stuff you need to deal with, your family etc. But she always says that the healthier I get, the more I won't want him anymore, eventually. And that pisses me off, for some reason. That makes it sound like my entire relationship was built on my dysfunction-- and some of that I totally understand: my self esteem issues, knowing I was 'superior' to him and the other people in his life, I always had every advantage over them, etc., but at the same time I feel like my feelings, and even his, were more than that. She told me not to stay with someone out of pity, which I didn't think I was doing but at the same time I already do feel guilty already if the day ever comes that I don't want him anymore, especially if he gets sober. Then I told her I have a few videos of him on my phone, like one where he's showing his stupid vegetable garden in his yard, one where he was cooking me dinner, one he got a ticket and was mad (but it's funny) and how cute he could be, and she said you're attracted to him and he's clearly not a malicious or vicious guy, and THAT made me feel bad for him. But driving home I realized.... so is that the least common denominator? That he's not mean? Still doesn't mean he's enough. Ughhhhh. So confusing. The guy just pulls at my heartstrings.

THEN, after therapy I had coffee with a friend. And she was like, but you weren't happy when you were with Rich. You were always either crying, or angry, or whatever he DID do right wasn't good enough. You didn't seem happy. But I was-- I was actually happier in the chaos than without it, and mixed into the chaos was the fun stuff. Myt therapist also said what mfisher alluded to earlier, that I might be creating drama now that he IS staying away. Coming from my family, I dunnno what to do with myself when things get too peaceful. So I have to get upset all over again.

I TOTALLY equate love with drama. I do. The more he fights for me right now and doesn't accept the no contact= passion. The angrier he gets over me indicates how strong his emotions are. The more jealous he gets, the better. Etcetera. My worst nightmare is like, 2 people sitting at a breakfast table reading the newspaper. Bleghhh! My therapist said that's what was at the heart of my attraction to him, that until my ideas about love change, I'll always bring this drama into my life.

Good advice. My doc reminded me I could call him if I want to, the sky won't fall. But I don't want to do that after all this. So she said maybe there is a little part of me that wants to let go after all. Encouraging, I guess.

When I'm depressed, which feels like always lately, the hardest thing is for me to get active. I just wanna stay in bed all day. But yeah when I push myself to start running again, it does tend to make me feel better. I took this week and last week off due to my mood but I'm gonnna try and force myself to start again. Physical activity does help relieve depression, I think I read that once.

Thanks again, D! You take care, too.

Midnightfrost

I was with an A bf for 3yrs. we've been broken up for just over 2yrs. I still go through boughts of longing for him and thinking on the good times. I've told my close friends about our relationship and how unhealthy I know it was intellectually but how I'm still not "over it". I usually turn to them when I'm feeling that way and they remind me about the tough times that seem to fade away when I really miss him. I talked to a mutual friend of ours recently and he unintentionally did this for me. Ex A bf had come to visit him and the friend said to me "he's exactly the same" and described the weekend the spent together. It reminded me of the bad times and helped me move past the missing him pains. My advice would be to reach out to friends and ask for their support. I know my mom is still hostile towards him and it seems like she just thinks I'm being stupid but my girlfriends are supportive and kind and remind me of what I want.

deax

Thanks, yeah sometimes I wish I had mututal friends with him that I could talk to about him, his family are people I no longer talk to due to the falling out of the relationship, which is just another thing that really bothers me because I've known them a long time. So I have no one from whom I could get info about him these days, but maybe that's a blessing. My friends are good too-- a little judgmental sometimes but certainly keep me on track, the reminders are a good thing. My mom is extremely hostile too, I can't talk to her. I think I know that I will always love him on some level too, I just look forward to being able to move on a bit, in time. Thanks for this, hearing about others still having bouts after so much time about someone so unsuitable helps me feel more normal.

Minx1969

I had to laugh with you on this one Deax...go back and read my posts about 16 months ago when I go involved with my non-A, non drama boyfriend L.

When I first met L - he wasn't my type..too nice, too responsible, safe but my gut/intuition KNEW that this was the type of guy I really wanted to be with. To grow old with, to have kids with etc. So I kept on dating him..and I'm expecting a ring any day now..

So I had to examine my views on passion/love/relationships etc. What I found is that I can have excitement in other parts of my life..I can travel, I can jump out of airplanes - I can get passion and drama in other parts. I just come to SR or talk to my friends and watch the drama from the side lines..

Not that I don't have passion for my boyfriend.. I do..I just learned that secure doesn't mean boring. I have so much more freedom in this relationship to be me and to focus on my life. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be supported - I mean truly supported and able to be me..100% me - even when I'm bitchy.

L and I probably are the two people reading the newspaper but we are also talking about what's going on in the newspaper, cracking little jokes as we go - definately not avoiding each other or not talking to each other.

The more peace and serenity I have, the happier I am.

Peace and serenity does feel weird in the beginning but now I'm so grateful that I can truly say I'm pretty happy most of the time..

Oh yeah..another thing..once I got into this relationship I realized that I had commitment issues..relationship yes - marriage is another thing..I picked those dramatic guys for a reason - it kept me from committing...

But I've worked through that in therapy as well..The idea of getting married is not as scary to me today as it was before..

DESIGNER

Deax, girl it totally relieves depression and I don't know about you but I need to lose some weight and that is the best thing for that too. Excercise helps improve your body, self esteem and it gives you energy. I work out because it helps me with the depression(which I need a lot of help with right now) and I am going to look like a barbie doll in a couple of months!!!! LOL

Girl I totally understand this also but the thing that you need to do is put yourself back in certain situations that were bad. Were you happy at that moment? Probably not. As much as it hurts try to go back to those places. I remember one time that really sticks out in my head. This was actually the night that I realized that he was really sick and I needed to get his family involved. We had just got our new place together and he called me at work and wondered what time I would be home. I told him around 6 and I asked why? He told me that he had a surprise at home for me(remember pretty romantic and sweet). I was so excited to go home that night. I told all the girls at work that he had a surprise at home. I figured he had cooked us dinner( he was an amazing cook-thank god for me!!! LOL) and so I rushed home. When I walked in the door I smelled the food from the front door and tried to sneak into scare him in the kitchen(we were goofy like that). Well as I walked around the corner into the kitchen all I saw was broken glass, and red pasta sauce splattered all over my kitchen and in the middle a bottle of rum that was gone!!! I started crying immediately and new that he was drunk. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. How could this be happening. I was so happy just minutes before and I new that i would find him wasted in the bedroom. Well sure enough i walked into our bedroom and he was in the fetal postiion on the floor crying. He told me that he was only going to have one drink and he didn't know what happened. Well needless to say from that night on our lives were never the same.